Friday, 15 May 2015

6 weeks, 4 days - scan!

I have to be quick, but I needed to update tonight about today's scan!
It went great! :) I didn't even have a full bladder, and they only used the transabdominal scan, but straight away the sonographer saw a baby with a beating heart! :) She showed me the grainy image of a little blobble which was pulsating beautifully in the middle as the tiny heart beat away busily. As always, I fell SO IN LOVE!

She was able to measure the baby's CRL (crown to rump length) which was about 4mm. She said that was so tiny - "not even 6 weeks yet", which is where I got concerned and told her I was sure of my dates and that I'm 6 weeks and 4 days. She checked again and got 3.7mm, and said it was fine for my gestation, and maybe it took a little longer to implant or something. :/ I was not convinced, but I saw a doctor right afterwards, and was able to talk it through with her. She was reassuring (and she examined my cervix and declared it to be looking perfectly healthy - yay!), and I googled when I got home and was much more reassured by that. :) Seems there are lots of people saying they got a measurement of 3.6 or 3.7mm at 6 weeks and X days, and were concerned, but they all got reassuring responses and things turned out fine, so phew! Hopefully everything is going great!

The sonographer said that maybe the fact that it's dating a bit earlier than I thought, was why we didn't see anything but a sac last time, and why we didn't see even a sac at the first scan. Things are just a few days later than "schedule" with this pregnancy. I hope so.

Anyway, YAY!!! A precious baby with a  beating heart! I was so very tearful on the way home, praising God and praying over my new tiny one's life. I am generally having an emotional patch at the moment, feeling tearful (not sad, just ANY feelings well up in my eyes, lol!) easily, and that's why!

I feel SO nauseated all the time. Any time I am awake. Yesterday and today were the worst - today is a bit worse than yesterday. I wonder if my usual 5w6d start is actually "delayed" like the rest of it, given my hormone levels maybe are a few days behind with the general development of the pregnancy, and so I'm more like 6 weeks-ish now, rather than in the 2nd half of 6 weeks? Although, I did have morning sickness at 5w3d, mildly, and a gradual build each day until 6 weeks, when it was proper. Milder than usual, but definitely proper morning sickness. The problem yesterday and today is familiar from my other pregnancies - my stomach and intestines seem to be full of air, groaningly and bloatedly so, and that in itself is making me nauseated like nothing else. I can't eat anything to take the edge off any more. The sweets and such that were working earlier in the week are just adding to the amount of wind in my system now, and not really improving the nausea in the meantime.

I also totally CANNOT eat again: macaroni cheese, pizza, or lasagne. Never again, until I am feeling better. Those meals seemed like worth a try at the time, but made me feel awful for hours afterwards, whereas other meals have so far taken the slight edge off the nausea because my stomach isn't empty, BUT they don't actually make me feel gross themselves. I felt so sick this evening that I thought I might be sick, but I sat with a handful of chocolate Weetos, and just crunched them slowly, one at a time. After about 2 handfuls I started to feel slightly less sick, and continued to improve a little as I ate them, but within seconds of stopping, my mouth watered and the bitter taste came back, and I felt just as nauseous again really quickly.

I reeeeeeally hope that I will have "good weeks" along with bad weeks, as I wrote about in past pregnancies. Weeks 6 and 7 are always grim, so I am just going to hope that I can grin and bear it for a couple of weeks and that it will pass quickly enough, to get to 8 weeks. The nausea itself doesn't seem to ease at 8 weeks, for me, but somehow it's more manageable, like I've adjusted in some way. So that's my first milestone to aim for!

I am SO GLAD that I implemented a new chore system with the boys a few weeks ago, because with a tiny bit of tweaking, I am able to make it so that someone other than me clears the table after every single meal, which helps a GREAT deal! I still have to do the kitchen related stuff and make the food, but I had Arthur make beans on toast for them all yesterday evening when the bleurghiness was overwhelming - he was thrilled, and did great! :)

We told the rest of the children today! :) I drew a picture of our family with stick figures, and put it on the wall. They gradually realised it was there, and came to comment on it, and Nathan wanted to colour in the faces, and Samuel's hair, etc. So he did that. I drew a triangle dress on me and on Lydia, in the picture, and we all stood back to admire it and name each person in the picture in turn. After we named Lydia, I said, "Oh! I forgot something!" and they watched while I drew a little curled-up baby on my triangle dress! :) They stared at me with shining eyes, and Matthew started leaping up and down and screaming and yelling about a baby in my tummy! :) I was videoing the whole thing, but Matthew jumped so much that his jeans fell down, lol!! So yeah, not for public viewing! :P

Matthew in particular is so excited - he kept asking if I was serious, wondering if I was messing with him (can't think why! I never do things like that!), and saying he couldn't BELIEVE it, it was so amazing and exciting, etc! Arthur, who has known all along, started acting weird (completely nuts) and attention-seeking from his brothers once they heard the news, and in the end I sent him off upstairs so the others could enjoy hearing the news properly without Arthur's distractions. He has Asperger's and I kind of expected his behaviour, but having him go upstairs was a good idea.

Nathan was quieter about it, but he always is, even though he's thrilled. He IMMEDIATELY found pencil and paper and started drawing a picture of me with a baby in my tummy, and that was very reassuring to me because whatever Nathan loves, or is happy, excited or passionate about, he draws. So I knew he was really happy. :) The littlest ones, of course, have no idea really! ;) Benjamin and Samuel seemed very pleased, but they are still quite little themselves at 5 and 4.

Anyway, happy day! :)

The doctor said they saw a source of bleeding, which was a possible area near the gestational sac, like a cyst breaking down (?!) or something, so I do wonder about a vanishing twin. I didn't ask though. She didn't seem all that sure about what it was. She said I may continue to get spotting from that while it clears up, but right now since the last red bleed, I have had 72 (count 'em!!) hours TOTALLY BLOOD FREE!!! Not even light spotting! Awesome few days! :) Yesterday I began having some light brown spotting again with some CM, and today the same, but that last time I mentioned the red bleeding was my last sighting of red blood! :) I know it could happen again, and they have discharged me now, saying that if I continue to bleed like I have been, not to worry about it. I can go back to them if I start bleeding or have pain that is DIFFERENT to the way I've been bleeding or cramping until now, and they will re-assess me.

I need to contact my GP to book in with a midwife and get my bloods taken and in the system for a 12 week scan appointment, etc. It feels bizarre and surreal and SO EXCITING to be "moving on" now to normal pregnancy, after slightly holding my breath in uncertainty for 3 weeks - the entire pregnancy so far! Lovely to be able to do that. I told my parents the update tonight, and they were very nice and congratulatory, which is nice! :)

For those who have asked about my grandparents' reaction last time, I went looking for a link to a blog entry from when it actually happened, but discovered that I never wrote about it - how weird. That's not like me! It was a big and upsetting deal to me at the time, maybe so upsetting that I just didn't want to dig it all up again writing about it. It was once I'd found out I was having a girl, and I called to let them know. They have been pretty cold every time I announced a pregnancy, so that with Elijah (I think??) I sent them a letter instead so I would be able to avoid the cold tones on the phone. :( Anyway, once I said I was having a girl, my grandfather said that now I had got my girl, it was time to stop. There were a lot more (fairly stern) words spoken than that, but he implied that I should listen and obey! So I said that I would see what happened, because he knows we trust God with my womb (he is not a Christian, in fact he is pretty anti-Christian). When he realised that I was not going to take his advice, he told me that if I became pregnant again, he would not be congratulating me. :( It upset me so much more than I thought it should, because we are a very small close-knit family, and I love my grandparents SO much. It bothered me even though I tried to shake it off all of the rest of that day. I remember going to the evening church service that night, and choking back tears during the worship, and then I went to the ministry team at the end of the service for prayer. They asked me what I wanted prayer about and I started to cry so much that I couldn't even talk to tell them! After a while I was able to tell them what he said, and they prayed over me for comfort and peace, and that was soothing. I can't believe I didn't write about it here at the time! :/ So I don't know... I have no desire to tell them at the moment. There are two big family events in July - Grandoug's birthday around the 5th, and my brother's wedding at the end of the month - and I will be 14 and 16 weeks at those, so I am sure I'll be showing. I am not sure what to do about that yet. It's sad and awkward, and I am not going to think about it for now.

Too nauseous to stay any longer - will update again soon. No pics of the scan as it was an emergency clinic and they are not allowed to give pics. Ah well - at least I asked! And I have the beautiful image of my 8th precious tiny, ingrained on my memory. :)

Monday, 11 May 2015

6 weeks pregnant! :)

Hooray! Six weeks pregnant today! :)

I'm tired and really want to be in bed sleeping, so I will hurry this a bit - I really needed to update though! Thank you for the comments, and the Happy Mothers Day messages (ours in the UK is in March, but I will totally take extras in May! ;) )!

I am getting really kind of fed up of bleeding now. :/ It has changed since I started bleeding when I first found out I was pregnant. It was continuous (mostly) back then, but now it's very stop-start. When it's "start", it's bright red, fresh bleeding. It's a sudden, "soaking" amount. I always need to have a pad on, 24/7, and change it immediately when I feel it start, because it goes right through. If I sit on the toilet it drips constantly into the water (you get all the TMI here, don't say I didn't warn you, lol! I need it this detailed for my own records). Then it quickly (within an hour) goes to brown and peters out within a few hours to almost no brown spotting left at all. Then a certain amount of time will pass before the next fresh red bleed. Lately the time is becoming almost predictable. It's every other day, or ever day. Basically once every 24-48 hours I will have a sudden fresh bleed. Always fades off like I described, so that's reassuring, maybe? NONE of this is reassuring, despite my vast experience with bleeding in pregnancy - aaarghh!! It's just annoying. Every day I am wearing pads and checking my underwear, rushing off to the loo at the slightest sensation, and becoming uncannily accurate in knowing what sensation means blood and what isn't. I can be emptying the dishwasher, say (calmly) to Neil, "Oh, I'm bleeding - I'm going to the loo." and off I go - and there it always is. So annoying when it becomes this constant and familiar! :/

I feel like it's getting more frequent. Sometimes it's every day, sometimes every other day. Yesterday around lunch time I had a bleed. Today at lunch time I had a bleed. Then I had another about 8 hours later, this evening. :( More than usual. I phoned the emergency gynae clinic today, at the number they gave me to call if I had any concerns before Friday's scan. Where we've moved to, the hospital is SO FANTASTIC so far! For early pregnancy care, it's amazing. I felt looked after at the hospital where we used to live. Maybe they are less overwhelmed here (having moved from a very busy greater London hospital), but I am not having to ask for anything. They are offering appointments, scans, numbers to call out of hours, I get talks with the doctor that didn't used to happen at the other hospital, etc. I didn't even have to persuade the GP to let me get an early scan in the first place! He suggested it right away! :) Really grateful!

Anyway, by this morning I had got myself (if you know me, I know this will shock and astound you! :P ) into a huge flap about having cervical cancer on top of being pregnant, and then I was going to have to choose whether to let my baby live or die so that I could have chemotherapy, and then my baby would die and in the end, so would I, and I would leave my babies without their mama, and they would grow up with broken broken hearts and struggle with depression and never find happiness, and I could see the sadness in the grown-up version of their eyes as I hyperventilated and waited for the nurse to answer the phone. I possibly am very very good at anxiety.

So the nurse was wonderfully reassuring. There's no point beating around the bush (or hiding my anxiety - I am learning to tell it like it is, as evidenced in the above paragraph!), so I told her I was bleeding on and off, and off and on, and it was like before except fresh bleeding and more frequent, and what if it was cervical cancer?!?!?!! So of course she was like, "Oh GOSH now, that's very very rare in this situation!" and "Don't fret over it now, everything is probably fine - bleeding is VERY common, and even clotting is FINE (haven't got any at the mo) if you've been bleeding!" which, phewww! Thank you nurse! :) She said they wouldn't even be thinking of cervical cancer, but sometimes the cells that cover the inside of the cervix can protrude outside the cervix during pregnancy and be very prone to bleeding. She said if it would reassure me, the doctor could examine my cervix when I go for my scan on Friday, and I said yes please. Because, knowledge. An anxious person needs to KNOW! I really know that I need to let go and let God, with basically my whole life. But there it is. Anxiety. Not a walk in the park.

So that's the bleeding. Still going right now. Not sure when it will ever go away!!! But hopefully it isn't a threat to my little one.

The other source of anxiety for me this week has been morning sickness. It has been SO WEIRD, from the start. Proper yucky all-day morning sickness, including the typical can't-bear-to-chew-my-fingers symptom, and worse in the evenings - but starting at just 3 weeks and 5/6 days!!! Crazy early for me. Then, fading off from 4 weeks and 4 days - half as bad as the day before. 4 weeks and 5 days, almost gone completely, which it maintained for most of the rest of the time. I have had an underlying minor quease, and this past week there have been times when I've thought, "Ah! Here it is at last!" because I'd get a bit too hungry and then feel yucky. Somewhere between quite queasy and mildly nauseous. But I'd eat, and it would improve and I would feel pretty much okay the rest of the time. Sometimes I feel properly like morning sickness (still mild, but nausea all the same), but it would only kick in around midnight if I was still up! Then I'd feel gross, suck on a couple of mints or something, the edge would be taken off it, and I'd go to bed after a while anyway. So weird. Also, all this time, I could totally bite my nails and chew my fingers, so to me, that made it "not legit". Even the mildest morning sickness comes with the aversion to biting my nails, in my experience...

Anyway, so my apprehension was building as I approached the weekend, because in ALL my pregnancies, by the end of the day at 5 weeks and 6 days, I have always had full-blown morning sickness - or as full-blown as it would be. Many of them, I had zero morning sickness until that day (with Arthur I was fine in the morning - I remember because I had a scan as I was bleeding and sure I was losing him! And then suddenly morning sick all evening - first inkling of nausea in the pregnancy!), with others I had started it in the days leading up to that gestation, and with Lydia I had started over a week before, but although it was fairly grim, it was milder than the morning sickness I was used to, and I was just feeling pretty happy about that when I arrived at 5 weeks and 6 days, and the intensity of the nausea about quadrupled overnight! So there is something about that gestation for me. I knew I needed to be feeling sick by then, or I would not have a good feeling about things...

I felt slightly more queasy at 5w5d than I did at 5w4d (which felt marginally more queasy than the day before), and at 5w6d... I felt pretty much the same as 5w5d! :/ I was soooo worried! In the evening I did feel pretty yucky, but the intensity that I was used to just wasn't there. After 7 babies it kind of makes you wonder, you know? Today is the very next day - 6w0d, and I am definitely feeling morning sick today. It's SUCH a relief!! :) But it's milder than I'm used to. Because it's so obviously *there*, I think I am just going to accept it and be thankful that it's milder (and hope it stays milder too!). I can totally function at this level of nausea. It's not pleasant, but it makes me realise HOW EASY people have it when they have just mild queasiness or none at all!!! I am nauseous, but can totally manage life normally. It turns my stomach and makes me grimace to change a nappy, pick up squashed banana, or breathe the smell of fresh air on carpet-with-food-in-it (the combination is truly gross!). Making gravy from the fat and juices of a roast made my throat close up like a gag, several times, two days ago, and I had to mentally chant, "Look ahead, mouth breathe, look ahead, mouth breathe" to stir it until it looked and smelled more like gravy! ;) But THAT'S IT!! And even when I have had my worst morning sickness, and felt it was unbearable, I still have it SUPER EASY compared with vomiting mamas, or those with HG - I seriously cannot imagine, uggghhh. I'm really grateful for the easier time just now. I just hope it's not because something isn't right with this pregnancy.

I heard from various people that as they got older their morning sickness lessened, so I did a bit of research online, and found many studies confirming that (yay!), and then quite a few studies disproving it (boo!). I'm going to lean with the confirming studies and hope that it's just being older that's helping me! :)

I cannot eat Oreos!!! I LOVE Oreos! They taste like disgusting chemicals, which make my mouth water and my gullet arch, and my throat close, while I chew them. I literally sat crunching them with this going on, shaking my head in disbelief because my head KNOWS how yummy they are, and yet my taste buds were lying - LYING!! - to me, and making my stomach do all bad things because of the LIES!!! lol! Oh well.

I still have a very sweet tooth. I also am particularly enjoying salty food. Neil made steaks earlier in the week and he salted them, and OH MY GOODNESS. I tasted them in my memory tastebuds for days afterwards, mmmm! Then we had a joint of roast beef at the weekend - again salted, again OH MY GOODNESS!!! Lasagne with garlic bread tonight did NOT go down well - usually that goes off the menu once I am morning sick, so whilst it's a shame, I'm reassured by it! I did manage to eat it all anyway though, which I never would have been able to in other pregnancies...

I smelled fish and chips outside tonight, and my mouth was watering like crazy! I was longing for it, until I realised that it was the SALT and VINEGAR that I wanted, and then I realised, and literally said out loud, "Ohhhh... it's a BOY!" ;) I am definitely feeling like this baby is a boy. I am not desperate for protein, but I am not sure if I always was by this stage, with my boys (NO interest in protein, particularly, with Lydia), and I am certainly enjoying it a lot when I do eat it. I have no real urge to eat a load of cheese, boil eggs for lunch, or buy cottage cheese, etc. So those things were typical for my boy pregnancies... but it's the salty, vinegary, meat-enjoying thing that has me wondering. That and the six boys we've produced so far, lol! ;) The only thing that doesn't match up with a boy, is the early start to the morning sickness (even though it didn't stick for a while!). Two boys to start?! I just hope I have at least one baby in there on Friday!

So otherwise I am doing fine. Tireder than usual, but not overwhelming. I went to bed with the boys last night, and felt better for it, but still tired and breathless in general. Totally manageable, which I'm happy about. So far, anyway. Occasionally sore breasts, but not painful to breastfeed yet. I often feel a kind of heavy pressure in my groin, kind of a bit like being constipated, but further forward! ;) I know there is changing and growing going on in my womb - every morning when I wake, and every evening when I go to bed, I lie in bed and press gently right above my pubic bone, to see when I might feel a change there. This past week I have started to notice changes - a "rise" of soft tissue that isn't solid, but wasn't there before. My waist line on the front is feeling very bloated and squashy, as though "stuff" in the way of my growing uterus is being shoved up out of my pelvis. This morning the "rise" is more of a roundness with much firmer resistance, but I don't think I am feeling my uterus yet. I have felt it at 6 weeks and 3 days before, juuuust about, so maybe it's nearly within reach! Exciting!! :)

I MUST go to bed! I haven't snacked at all in this whole time I've been online (over an hour) and am still just mildly nauseous - it hasn't driven me to switch the computer off and go to bed, or rummage in the kitchen for something to take the edge off. Unusual at 6 weeks, but at least I am nauseated, I guess! Four days until my scan. I may update before then, but I will definitely update if there's any news, and on the day of the scan. They don't appear to give scan pics, but if there's a baby visible, that won't stop me asking for one! :)

Thursday, 7 May 2015

5 weeks and 3 days - scan update!

Sorry it's taken me until the evening to update here!

The scan went well! :) It was at 8.40am, so I just left for the hospital without going to the loo at all after getting up. Unlike last time, I had SUCH a full bladder, lol! They were able to see the gestational sac with a trans-abdominal scan!! At five weeks!!! I didn't know that was possible so early without a trans-vaginal scan, but there we go! :) She saw it straight away, and said, "I can see a diddy little sac!" so I was relieved immediately that I didn't have to worry about ectopic pregnancy any more. I was not terribly worried by today anyway, because I still haven't had any significant pain on one side, and on the odd occasion that I thought I did, I pressed about in my tummy and it didn't hurt to do so.

But for some weird reason in the waiting room (I had to wait ages! Even that early there were lots of people waiting), I began to get so nervous. I had to focus on my breathing to get my heart rate down at one point! So silly really, as I didn't have much to be anxious about. I guess it was just the anticipation, the unknown, and the waiting that got me.

After the scan, which was very quick, and after dashing to the loo (great relief!), I waited some more to be called to see the doctor. It was a different one from last time, and she was really lovely too. She asked me lots of questions about my last cervical smear test, when was it? Was it normal? etc. She was making me nervous, but then she explained that as they couldn't see a source of bleeding in my uterus, and I was still having spotting and light bleeding, if it didn't settle down by the end of next week, they would like to examine my cervix to see if it is the source of the bleeding. :/ Anxious woman alert!!! :( She did reassure me that some women just bleed. I said that I thought I was one of them! ;)

She asked how I was feeling, and I told her I feel pregnant. She said, "Oh, is this your second?" hahahaha! ;) I always can't keep a straight face when people ask me that one in total innocence, lol! Something about it makes me chuckle inside. ;) I said it was my eighth, and she asked me how many children I had, so I said seven. She said, "Wow! You look so young!" :) I told her I thought it was all the progesterone! :D I actually look less young than I ever used to, but I will take her compliment all the same! ;)

So, she told me that it is great news that they have seen the gestational sac in my uterus. I asked if it was consistent size for my gestation, and she said yes. The sonographer said it measured just under 1cm, but I checked the actual measurements on the report, and it's 7mm x 3mm x 7mm (which actually seems a little bit small for my exact dates... :/ ). Anyway, she said it was a good shape, and that they would like me to come back in 7-10 days for another scan. By that time, we should be able to see the baby and a heartbeat. She said it's great that the sac is now visible, but they like to err on the side of caution when they haven't visualised the baby yet.

So, I have another appointment booked for 9am next Friday - 8 days away. I chose first thing in the morning because I have quite liked that so far with these scans, getting it over and done with in the first part of the day. I am feeling quite nervous, despite the good news today, about the next scan. I am queasy but not really morning sick as such... and I'm 5 weeks and 3 days. With ALL my pregnancies, it was well and truly established by the end of the day on 5 weeks and 6 days. With Lydia, that was also the day my established morning sickness ramped up a notch! ;) That's only three days to go... I think if I get there and I'm not feeling really sick, I will be worried, and with 7 pregnancies of identical experience on that gestation, I think that I will have good reason to be worried. I have way too much knowledge on things like Blighted Ovum and so on, for my own good. :/ I just need to get to next Friday and find out whether the baby has appeared in the sac or not, nothing much else will relieve this anticipation, in case that doesn't happen. On the other hand, everything is very much the same as my other pregnancies - a non-threatening (it seems) bleed, normal pregnancy symptoms, normal scan for dates, etc. So I should have every reason to be very confident for next Friday. But then I remember the one thing that is REALLY out of the ordinary for me - the morning sickness (way worse than today), that started before 4 weeks, and started to disappear 5 days later. A vague queasiness has hung around, but nothing more. I still can't figure out why that would have happened, and unfortunately I'm one for wanting to know WHY on everything! ;) I can't seem to settle otherwise, but oh well, I can't know everything can I?!

I have announced my pregnancy to the world today (Facebook, family - except my grandparents, who I am not sure if I ever want to tell after last time!), and I'm trying to keep my focus on that of praising God for his good gifts to me! I am so excited to be having another baby! I hope I get to keep this baby, and I can't relax into this pregnancy at all until I hopefully have good news next Friday. But the outcome doesn't change a thing about the moment NOW. Right NOW I am blessed with new life! Right NOW God has chosen me - ME! - again, for the privilege of carrying a precious new life inside me. For a while I thought maybe my childbearing days were over, and I felt sad about that, thinking how much I took for granted the joy of even the discomforts of pregnancy that I might never know again. And now here I am! Whether it lasts or not, God be praised! I am so excited and happy and grateful to be actually PREGNANT, again! :)

Arthur wanted me to tell the boys after this scan, but I said no, not yet. I told him things look good today, but they won't be sure that everything is going fine until they can see the baby and a heartbeat, which we hope to see next Friday. If everything is fine then, I will tell the boys. Not long to wait now, really. :) He knows there is still a chance of loss. I can't believe how grown up and mature and understanding my first baby is all of a sudden! Bizarre and surreal to me to think that this blog (well, the original at Diaryland) was started for HIM, all those years ago! :)

Symptom-wise today, I am breathless and tired again, all normal and good. I felt pretty yucky leading up to a late lunch and dinner too, but better for eating. I also discovered a new thing today - Oreos make me want to gag! OREOS!!! I love Oreos! I am so sad! lol! They taste REVOLTING. I keep eating one anyway and shaking my head in disbelief that something I *know* is so awesome-tasting, tastes so genuinely nasty, lol! Chocolate is good though. And oh, I meant to say this a couple of days ago - SALTY food. I am enjoying my food salty. I am definitely beginning to think boy. Which does not at ALL explain the 3w5d start on the morning sickness!! Unless there had been two boys?! Or a boy (this one) and a girl (who isn't with me any longer). Only ONE gestational sac today at the scan though. I only have one corpus luteal cyst (she noted it was nice and big (?!) and doing a great job sustaining the pregnancy with progesterone!), so I only ovulated one egg. It is too early to see if there are identical twins in that sac or not, though, but I'm thinking probably not, because I would SURELY be more sick than this by now, if that was the case! ;)

I am unusually moody and stubborn and irritable these last couple of days - maybe it's the stress leading up to the scan? But I think it's more likely hormones. ;) My bleeding has slowed down to dark brown spotting today, which is reassuring!

I can't think what else... I will update again soon! Thanks for the well wishes for the scan! :)

Wednesday, 6 May 2015

5 weeks and 2 days pregnant

My scan is TOMORROW!!! I was so excited about it, because everything is going well - and my bleeding was just a bit of dark brown spotting yesterday (the VERY tail-end, in my experience, yay!), and although I'm not really feeling morning sick, everything else seems great. I am moody as heck, spotty, ridiculously breathless, and have the usual twinges and growing "pains" and ligament pulls of early pregnancy. Putting the weird "why was I morning sick and now I'm not?!" thing aside, I feel very healthily pregnant, very normal, not like anything is wrong.

Then this morning when I woke up, I felt kind of crampy and I had some pretty bad backache. That has come and gone a bit since before my first positive test, so I didn't think much of it. Until I went to the loo and found I had been bleeding enough to go through a pantyliner. Those are thin, though, so I tried to put it out of my mind. Within an hour, though, I had to change - and the bleeding was red. And I was feeling almost period-crampy. Backache was still there too. :( I didn't know what to expect for the day, but I knew that red bleeding and cramping was not a great sign. Over the next hour I had light-to-moderate red bleeding, and ended up slowing my activities down (stopped doing housework and such, and stayed mostly sitting on the sofa with my little ones, or getting up and down to help kiddies with chores) for a while. I was suddenly really nervous about the scan tomorrow. I hoped that I didn't miscarry today, because then at least maybe I would see some glimpse of a sign of my little one before losing him or her.

But then - the weirdest thing! I stopped bleeding! I mean, just like that! Next time I checked, only the lightest red-brown spotting. A few hours later, a couple of brown spots. A few more hours - NOTHING!!! I know it can always re-start, but I hadn't got down to bleeding this light at all, even yesterday! So I don't know... maybe it was a last "hoorah" from the original bleed?! Or maybe my uterus is having a sudden stretch-and-growth spurt, and that caused the crampy feelings and led to a pick-up in the bleeding for a while? The cramping and most of the backache disappeared over the afternoon. I took painkillers in the morning because it was sore enough, but also I wasn't sure if I was starting a miscarriage. I do hate all this up-in-the-air unknown stuff! :/ But I'm glad and grateful that for now, it has settled right down. I have had some more periody cramps and backache this afternoon and evening, but only for a  few minutes at a time, and no bleeding has accompanied it.

I think maybe my uterus is growing. Today is the first day I am feeling full before finishing a meal that I have been putting away easily. Not that I have a huge baby bump restricting my space or anything, but every time there's growth, I find that the "other stuff" gets shoved up a bit and then my body has to adjust. My usual muffin-top (you know, the mummy tummy that won't quite fit under the waistband of jeans!) is WAY more muffin-y today. I was standing at the bottom of the stairs, leaning my back against the wall in a sort of arched way (so my tummy was most prominent) to stretch out my lower back, whilst waiting for a little boy to finish on the toilet so I could wipe him, and happened to glance up and see myself in the mirror in the hallway. I looked like I had a little baby bump, and I stood straight quick, before any of my not-in-the-know boys might see me! ;) I even lay down when I had the chance, and felt just above my pubic bone (and down under a bit) to see if I could feel any sign of my uterus yet - waaaay early at 5 weeks and 2 days, but I usually can feel it just after 6 weeks now that I've had this many babies! ;) No sign yet, but there is a resistance there that wasn't there a couple of days ago, so that's exciting! Signs of change and growth! :)

I really really hope everything is okay. I am nervous about the scan tomorrow, because what if....? Even if everything seems that it will probably all be fine. The what ifs, they get me.

IF everything is fine, today is a very special day. At 23 days past ovulation, my little one's heart began beating today for the first time! Isn't that just SO AMAZING?!! It always is, and never gets old. I'm in just as much awe and like it's fresh and new to me, every single time. We wouldn't be able to see evidence of that at the scan though, because I don't think I am far enough along to even see the baby at all. I think I am not even far enough to see the yolk sac. At this stage I should see a gestational sac though. I remember my scan with Arthur at 5 weeks and 6 days (after I started bleeding the day before), we could see the gestational sac and the yolk sac, but not the baby - he was too tiny yet. So I think I should see the gestational sac, but I'm not sure about the yolk sac at 5 weeks and 3 days... Mayyyybe, but possibly not yet. I hope to see a gestational sac! Hope hope hope!! :) That will be such a major relief, if we do, and it measures about right for dates. I also can't rest easy until I know if there is one, or more than one. I have such a strong gut feel about there being two, but then I remember the morning sickness I had which disappeared, and I'm thinking the gut feeling was there for a reason, but there is likely only one now.

Anyway, we shall see. Moreover I just hope for a healthy pregnancy and a lovely baby! My scan is super early - 8.40am at the hospital, but I chose that time to get it over and done with, and because it would be easier for Neil, since he's working from home, and because I would not have any trouble finding a parking space at the hospital at that time! ;) I was there a couple of hours last time, and then was swamped by children who had missed me for a couple more hours, lol! I don't necessarily expect to be able to update until later in the day, but if everything looks good, and there are no question marks hanging over anything - things they want to follow-up on or "wait and see how it goes", etc. - then I will be a hurry to tell the world, honestly. I need to publically rejoice in this little blessing while I can, even if it's not for long. When I thought maybe I was starting a miscarriage today, I felt a pang of sadness that I'd never told the world, never rejoiced while the baby was still with me, and said, "HEY WORLD!! There's a new life growing inside me!! Celebrate with me!" I really want to share my news now, but I want to wait and see what happens tomorrow first.

I will update when I can! Thanks for the well wishes and lovely support! :)

Monday, 4 May 2015

5 weeks pregnant! :D

I have made it to FIVE weeks pregnant! :) I am excited! So early, but so significant - each week of carrying a baby is precious! I think I am always anxious about losing my baby, looking back over my blog, so each week achieved is another week I can say I carried my little gift from God, if it all ends tomorrow. Not that I am expecting it to all end tomorrow... :)

I have some vague background queasiness. Not much at all. Last night I definitely had some yucky queasiness in the evening, but only mild yeurghiness during the day. And today the same really, except the queasiness hasn't been much noticeable until the hour before midnight, and it's so mild. It's definitely morning sickness related, and not any other source of quease (I am very familiar with many other sources, lol!). But soooooo mild.

Until 4 and a half weeks, I felt PROPER morning sick. From the end of the day at 3 weeks and 5 days - well, that was just queasy, but more so than today or yesterday, for example. 3 weeks and 6 days - the real thing, and from then onwards. I definitely did not have a virus, imagine it, or feel ill due to anxiety/stress/wishful thinking, etc. Just saying! ;) This mama 100% knows what morning sickness feels like, whether super mild like today, or totally bleurghy like with Lydia at 7 weeks! ;) There is a specific feeling that isn't like other nausea - the closest thing is motion sickness, but even then there are subtle differences, and I am so familiar now after all these pregnancies. I was really surprised to start it so early, I mean, confused surprised. Lydia was my "early" one at 4 weeks and 3 days. 12DPO though, not on my radar! I know people who have had morning sickness start that early and that is their norm - earlier even. But it's SO not my norm. I only have experience of one girl, so mayyybe... maybe it means a girl? Maybe Lydie's started at the late end of my "girl range", and this is still within normal for me if I'm pregnant with a  girl? Who knows. I know it's nowhere near my norm for my boys, and after six of them I am thinking that's safe to say.

I have wondered and wondered though, about twins. I know I've said all this before - I am just rambling with my thoughts tonight, so just bear with me! ;) I have been googling up a STORM (lol!) after the morning sickness was SO much better and remained so, this early on. I know all about how morning sickness can ease up temporarily or even disappear for good, in healthy pregnancies, "unexpectedly early" at 7, 8 or 9 weeks. But this is different, it's SO early and it was only just established, but established properly, with the best part of a week proper nauseated from the moment I woke up to the moment of falling asleep at night. All day. No mistaking it. Super early, but there it was anyway.

All the googling keeps leading me to vanishing twin syndrome, when I am going to forums and things for people's actual experiences. I have no way to know, one way or the other, except in heaven one day. Weird thing: the day after I ovulated, I was up late and randomly browsing YouTube (never do this, lol! In case anyone thinks that's how I spend my evenings! ;) ), and came across a video of someone finding out they were expecting twins at their first ultrasound. I was hooked, and literally spent two hours (should have gone to bed!!!!) watching video after video of all the twin discoveries I could find, followed by all the "telling my dad/grandma/the cousins (etc.) it's twins" videos, followed by all the twin gender reveal videos, and I would have gone through as many twin arrivals/births as I could have but I was almost falling over with tiredness, lol! The next two nights, I continued watching twinny videos, until I was re-watching the ones I had already seen. I showed a couple to Neil, my favourites that were funny or unique. I remember commenting to my friend at 4DPO that I had been particularly obsessed with twins for the last few days, for no particular reason.

When I went for my scan on Thursday last week, I knew I was only 4 weeks and 3 days pregnant, and that it was possible I wouldn't see anything at all with it being too early, but I really thought I WOULD. I thought I would be lucky and see the gestational sac, and I totally felt this calm assurance inside that they would tell me there were two. I sat in the waiting room imagining it, and thinking how my heart wouldn't skip a beat if they did say that, because it felt like, "Of course there are two!" But, we saw nothing, and there's only one corpus luteal cyst (which I think means I only ovulated one egg), so there would only be a chance of identical twins from that. I know my age means I have a higher chance now, of having identical twins (not releasing two eggs, as far as I can find out), but that doesn't mean that's what has happened THIS time. Anyway. The only time I think I ever felt like that at a scan was with Elijah's at 6 weeks, when they DID say, "I don't want to freak you out.... but I think there might be two...." For a second I waited for the tight throat and adrenaline and "I can't believe it!" to wash over me as I lay there, but it didn't, and I realised that it was because somewhere inside I was totally expecting it. I hadn't given it much thought or anything (if any?!) but it was just an "Oh yes..." feeling. So this time felt the same. Another thing that makes me wonder.

People online talking about early morning sickness, or bad morning sickness unlike their other pregnancies, which disappeared or eased right off, noted that they had already seen two gestational sacs before their symptoms changed, and at the next scan, only saw one baby - or one baby and the other sac unchanged. Most of them had bleeding with or without some cramping, and were told it was vanishing twin syndrome. So of course I can't say that's me, because I haven't visualised any little sacs or people inside them, and maybe I won't get to... If I had two little ones starting out, and my symptoms changed before we could even visualise them, I will never see evidence of a second one, because that one would have stopped growing and developing before being big enough to be seen. I hope I have one healthy baby in there still, though!

I have been nervous with this bleeding because everyone (the doctor at the hospital, and websites about "normal bleeding in early pregnancy") keeps saying that it's all fine so long as there's no clots or cramping. Now, I know that cramping can be normal for me with *normal* bleeding in early pregnancy - like my uterus just gets irritated with the bleeding and becomes crampy (sometimes REALLY crampy) without it being anything to do with miscarriage. But clots I'm not used to, as far as I can remember, and I have had some tiny clots on and off through the entire time of this bleeding. I have had a few days in the last week where there were no clots of any size, but then a day with a few, a couple of days ago. Yesterday, my bleeding seemed slightly less, maybe. And mostly brown!!! What a change from mostly red! :) Everything on my pad was brownish, and no more dropping blood into the toilet, these past 3 or so days, which is a big relief (I hated that!). When I wipe it's reddish though. Today, I would say I'm between light bleeding and spotting - no heavier than that. And it's brown! :) A couple of times when I wiped it was reddish-brown, but I think there's a definite gradual change, and I'm relieved to see it. I know from experience that I can start up a new bleed at any second, so I'm just happy that it's like this for as long as it keeps on settling down.

Today I said to Neil that I have reached 5 weeks pregnant, and he said, "Are you sure it hasn't come out already?" I love him, and he didn't mean anything by it, but that felt (WAS!) cold and insensitive ("it"?!?!), and just made me feel sad. Also, surely he knows my bleeding by now, after all this experience, and knows that I would know the difference between a "bleed" and a miscarriage?! I kind of hoped he'd rejoice with me that I had reached 5 weeks, but he came back with a negative. If I miscarry, he will know about it. I will likely bleed very heavily for days, cramp up like nothing else, and need to rest a LOT. I feel very alone today. In terms of my pregnancy. Like nobody is with me in it, just me alone. Nobody is connected, interested, invested, or willing to share my ups and downs each day with this unknown, in-the-balance, symptom-filled experience of a new life inside me. I was kind of hoping my husband would, so I am feeling pfththth about that right at this moment.

Another great sign today is that I am super super SUPER irritable, fault-finding, and emotionally set-on-edge, lol! At the drop of a hat, I am like, "WHY WOULD YOU *SAY* SUCH A THING TO ME?!!! *sniffle*" Neil has been uncharacteristically moody and cheer-less today  though - maybe he is unconsciously being sympathetic?! ;)

Something that really encouraged me today, was that we went out to a country park for a walk this afternoon. I felt more tired than usual today, from getting up this morning, but once we were walking at the park, I was having to just concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other some of the way! I was too out of breath to talk sometimes, just walking along trying to keep up with the boys! I sat down on the wall or on benches as often as I could, because my legs felt tired, or just to catch my breath. I am definitely not that unfit, but breathless exhaustion like that is absolutely classic for me at this stage of pregnancy. It's due to blood volume increasing by 50% (!!!) over these couple of weeks that I'm starting now - it happens quite early on, and is fairly exhausting - breathlessness is really common apparently. I have always had it, but it's good to know why, and that it's normal! :) So it is a GREAT sign that I had issues with that today! :D

Still breaking out a bit with spots on my face (nice). I had a moment of frustration (I know that must shock and amaze you all after my account of my state of mind today, lol!) this afternoon and cut 7 inches off my hair! It was straggly and unhealthy-looking, being long and thin and split-ended. So off it came! :) I cut it to resting-on-shoulders length, and it's still thin as anything but at least it looks stronger for it (hopefully!) and thus maybe healthier.

No particular foody things to report except that I have a crazily sweet tooth at the moment. I have not got much interest in protein still, but I am not having aversions to anything at all right now. If I have lost a twin and still have a healthy baby, it may well be a boy after all, if my morning sickness doesn't start properly again until later this week (appropriate timing to fit with all the other boys' morning sickness starting). Although Lydia's wasn't all that bad until the end of 5 weeks when it went up a few gears overnight, lol! Same time as the boys' morning sickness started, and then it was worse than theirs had been, but not by LOADS. I still am forever grateful to have evaded actually vomiting.

So we shall see. Right now I am feeling cautiously optimistic, and hopeful that I might see at least a gestational sac at the scan on Thursday (3 days to go!). I have had some pains and twinges fairly ongoingly in mostly my right side, which has worried me at times, because sometimes they have been quite searing. But I attacked that fear by laying on my back and then pressing gently but firmly down into the area that hurt, which didn't hurt at all! So I am guessing it's okay, and not likely to be ectopic, because if there was a baby growing in a tube at 5 weeks, it should hurt quite a lot to press down and increased pressure in that area, even if it wasn't directly on it. I am thinking (hoping) that the pains are growing-uterus related.

Being 5 weeks pregnant, it is time to start a belly gallery for this little one! I felt unsure about doing that before having confirmation that everything is okay, at first. But then I thought, if I were to miscarry tomorrow, I would be so blessed by having a photo where I could always say that I was carrying this special gift of a baby, at the time it was taken. I would treasure it. So, I have taken one. It's blurry and grainy, and at 5 weeks, there's nothing much out of the ordinary about my profile, but I'm glad and happy and excited to have taken it, whatever happens! :) I don't think I will make a belly gallery page just yet though. I will post it here for now:

I will update again soon! :)

Saturday, 2 May 2015

4 weeks and 5 days pregnant...

I am so nervous... I have really not had any nausea that I can recall today. Maybe a slight edge of quease at one or two moments, but yesterday, as I mentioned last entry, I had a MUCH better day for nausea. I know these things can ebb and flow, but I hadn't thought so this early on, right after it gets going? Anyway. Better day yesterday. Almost no nausea today. Nervous about why. It's 48 hours since my beta (the blood hcg test), and I wish I had had another one done today so I could know if it's doubling or not, now that I have lost my morning sickness.

I am STILL bleeding. Most of it this morning was brown - great sign from experience! But new red again this afternoon, as always. Also a few little clots today. :/ I have had backache from waking up, and a mildly crampy discomfort low in front, almost the whole day.

Of course I am speculating all over the place - a week suddenly feels FOREVER to wait for a scan - there are still 5 days left to go! By which time I could have completely miscarried! :( I am wondering maybe I am losing a twin or something? Both were starting out well, morning sickness arrived, and subsided after one died? Or just, maybe there were never twins, but the bleeding risk has proved too much for the one that was there, and that's why the improved morning sickness? :/ I am even second-guessing - it was SUPER early for me to feel morning sick (although I was morning sick by this gestation with Lydia, now), and maybe it WASN'T that? Maybe I was just under-the-weather, or feeling yucky for some other reason? But that's not the case, because there's nothing that feels exactly like morning sickness nausea, and this was definitely IT. I just can't understand why it has cleared up, for a good and healthy reason, anyway...

In other news, I am having an unusually irritable, weepy day, have new spots breaking out, and really tender breasts for the first time this pregnancy. I have had the odd moment of twinges or discomfort, but today they are just tender and uncomfy. I am also feeling really headache-exhausted, so that's all pregnant of me... I have an increased appetite and need to wee a bit more than usual. That one-sided pain has continued but isn't so persistant today, and has appeared once or twice on the other side, so I am hoping it's a normal pregnancy thing.

I really hope to keep this little one, but I am just feeling anxious about it tonight. There's nothing I can do for peace of mind, to check on things, like I do earlier on than this by taking a pregnancy test to see if it's getting darker or lighter. It would be nice and positive even if the pregnancy was failing, with a beta of 147 the day before yesterday, I think.

I hope I will feel better about things tomorrow, and have some encouraging signs like nausea (can't believe I'm hoping for nausea - should be rejoicing that it has cleared up!), or improvement with the bleeding. I didn't really need to update tonight, as I've only just done so and haven't really got any news, but I wanted to get that worry off my chest and written down. Just in case it's relevant.

Friday, 1 May 2015

4 weeks, 4 days - photos of Lydia and announcement idea!

Ella, your comment encouraged me so much, thank you! :)

I am still having the same right sided pulls and twinges and pains very low down, but I noticed once or twice this afternoon that I had the same kind of sensation on my left side, so...

Today something new - my bleeding turned BROWN this morning!!! At laaast!! This makes me feel a bit more confident that it's just my usual pregnancy bleeding, as those always are red, red, red, red, kind of still red, brownish, brown, brown, dark brown, gone! :) So all this time I have been hoping to see the colour change, but nothing until today. Of course I have since had some red bleeding, but I'm still encouraged to have had some brown.

I have not felt quite as nauseated today, I am not sure why... I am so paranoid right now, lol! I have (thankfully!) definitely felt queasy throughout the day, but much better than recent days. I am super tired and having a hard time staying awake today.

I put up some photos of Lydia in a little outfit I bought for her, on Facebook today. I bought her a tutu because she loves to dress up (already!) in pretty dresses and ruffly skirts. I promise it's not my leading! ;) She squeals when they arrive in the post, and tries to put them on straight away! As soon as they are on, she says, "Daddy?" because the first thing she loves to do when she has new clothes on, is to show her Daddy - so precious! She likes to parade a little bit and sticks her tummy RIGHT OUT and pats it to show her clothes. Because Daddy was at work this morning, she went up to each brother in turn who happened to be in the room, and stuck out her tummy and patted her clothes with a sweet little smile - and of course they were very adoring and flattering! :)

Anyway, I had this idea, involving teeny 2mm hot pink diamante stickers! ;) I am always wondering about fun ways to announce a new pregnancy, and this time, because my last baby was my first GIRL baby, it HAS to be done using the term "big sister"! I honestly can't wait!!!! I have to wait until after the scan, at the very earliest, because I need to know first if this is a viable pregnancy. I am itching to tell, already!! I can hardly bear to stay silent over such an amazing, miraculous, joyous happening!!! I'm having another baby! My little girl will be a BIG SISTER!!! (I'm so glaaaaaad! I hoped she would have the blessing of a younger sibling!) I (we, all of us) get to do this wonderful rollercoaster all over AGAIN!!! So so so sooo exciting and thrilling! I feel fairly confident about the pregnancy right now, and can't wait for confirmation that it's all okay. Next Thursday can't come fast enough! :)

Here are the photos I posted today, of my sweet little 18-month-old daughter:

Then I had a little practice attempt at my idea. I took a photo, but she was beginning to get bored of photos, and had picked off a couple of the little stickers, lol! Anyway, I HAD to come here and post this one (hence the others, for context), because it almost did me IN to not post it with the others at Facebook! :D

"Big Sister" is just such an exciting thing for me to write!!! And to think, I was only just in absolute shock that I was going to be referring to one of my children as "she" and "her"!!! I'm amazed at God's blessings! Wouldn't it be hilarious if I had two girls in a row, after alllll these boys and thinking that no way would I ever have a girl?! :P