Alice's Pregnancy Journal

25 weeks, 2 days

2012-02-11T00:21:00.005Z

STILL haven't taken a belly pic! :( Okay wait, it's after midnight but I am fed up with keeping on forgetting! I am setting the camera timer and getting whatever I can for 25 weeks, and then I've DONE it!...

Wow, that only took a few MINUTES! I should do that every time. But it's not exactly a great photo, lol! Nicely framed, mama! ;)

So there is my 'Lijah baby belly for 25 weeks! :) My uterus is a fingerwidth above my tummy button, though I don't know what my actual bump measures. Usually a fingerwidth (cm) per week above the belly button (the 20 week mark) is normal, so I'm not sure why I am only measuring a fingerwidth above, but I think I look nice and pregnant for my stage, so I'm not too worried about it. Also I know I was "small" earlier in the pregnancy but he measured fine anyway, so that's good.

I'm loving the sweet baby inside! :) I talk to him when I have a quiet moment, or at night, whenever he kicks or wiggles about in there. He responds to me doing a gentle drum of my fingers in the same spot, by kicking there. He had hiccups for the first time a few nights ago! It was so clear and familiar to feel - I definitely haven't felt him have hiccups before then, although he may have had some at night while I was sleeping I suppose. When I woke up the next morning, the first thing I was aware of was MORE hiccups going on! :) How I love feeling baby kicks and hiccups!! It's so special! When I ask him how he's doing in there, I am finding that I mostly refer to him as "lil 'Lijah" - you know, like lil 'Liza Jane?! ;) It's just what comes out. And it makes me MUSH inside to say it, so I am guessing it's going to stick as a nickname, for me anyway. My little 'Lijah. *sigh* I love him so much already.

I am currently looking forward to his birth so much, but I know that I will start to feel slightly less thrilled about the prospect near the end of my pregnancy! It's an ordeal for sure, but I am SO eager to meet this sweet little manny, and I know that's the precious moment when I'll first lay eyes and hands on him! I can't wait for that part! :)

I am still queasy, but for the past 4-ish days I haven't noticed any queasiness! I felt sure that it was definitely going this time, because (unlike last time I thought it was gone), I keep finding myself chewing my fingernails, which I am absolutely unable to do from the start of morning sickness onwards, until it's WELL and truly cleared up. So now I am chewing my fingers up, yay! ;) Shame about that, but oh well! Today though, I feel sick again, and I'm struggling with the habit of chewing my fingers, but feeling really yucky when I do. So I guess it's not gone yet! :S Still manageable though, so I can't complain!

I am in quite a lot of pain in my pelvis now, especially at the back on my right side, and my hips in general. I'm not over-doing it at all really, but I have been doing a lot more housework lately. This is GOOD, as I have always been next to useless at getting housework done, lol! I have a new routine which is actually working (gasp! faint!), which means that between breakfast, which I finish by about 8ish, and school (9.30ish), I have the table cleared and wiped, the bench and booster seat wiped down, the floor swept, the laundry sorted into loads, the tumble dryer load folded, the washing machine load transferred to the tumble dryer, a new load started in the washing machine, the dishwasher loaded and started, the boys changed (nappies) and dressed for the day, and I've washed, dressed and brushed my hair. Sounds like TONS, and for me it totally IS! But the more I repeat and repeat the routine day after day, the quicker it's becoming to do those things, and it seems quite easy now compared with a couple of weeks ago. And I don't feel "right" any more about leaving the kitchen with food stuck to some part of it, so I go back in and quickly clean it. All of which means, the house is actually looking so much better! And feeling nicer to be in! And I have another "school" area - the kitchen table!

But I am hurting! I don't hurt while I work, but about 30-60 minutes later, my pelvis starts to hurt - just aching with a sharp central point in the right side of the back of my pelvis. If I sit still for a few minutes, getting up is awful, and putting weight on the right leg as I walk can be unbearable for a moment as I get going. Once it's hurting like that, it doesn't really clear up for an hour or so (or several hours today), and it's harder to pick little ones up or get down on the floor to change a nappy and then up again, that sort of thing. And when it does fade off and feel better, if I do any MORE housework (not even anything much), like sweep the kitchen floor again after lunch (can you believe I - ME! - am actually routinely sweeping the kitchen floor 2-3 times a day?!!!!), then it comes back with a vengeance. I am slightly unnerved about this at 25 weeks, when I am going to get more prone to pelvic pain as the weeks go by, but I don't think there's anything to be done about it. I would like to exercise (I STILL don't do any!) but once I have pelvic pain it seems like any and all exercise makes it worse and worse, even going for a walk. So I'm not sure what to do about that. Swimming is gentle but not on the cards for me - not practical really. I might ask my doula what she thinks...

I MUST phone and make my next midwife appointment! It's at 28 weeks, but I have to book it. I think I have blood taken at 28 weeks? And anti-D if I were consenting to that, but I'm not. Otherwise just a general check-up.

Samuel is stirring an awful lot at the moment, and I should really be in bed sleeping, so I think I will cut this entry short and go to bed. At least I got one in there! ;) And a belly pic at last. I will try to get it in the gallery as well, and update again soon. All is well though - thanks for the comments on my last post, after my long gap! :)

23 weeks, 6 days - still here!

2012-01-31T08:21:00.003Z

Thanks Meegs for the comment asking if everything is okay! :S So badly behind on my blogs, and somewhat fed up that I've let this one go when I like to keep everything recorded during my pregnancies! Also I haven't been taking belly pics :( I will try to get one for 24 weeks, but who knows. I am just utterly foggy of brain lately, this pregnancy more than any other (though they seem incrementally worse each time!) and also starting out with a new academic year of homeschooling THIS WEEK. So I'm completely consumed with that for now, and will be for a while.

So this is just quick! :)

I had my 20 week scan and confirmed that Elijah is definitely a boy! :) Also my placenta has moved RIGHT out of the way, praise God!!! The sonographer was surprised they'd even considered it low a few weeks before, as it was almost fundal (up over the top!). This is exactly what happened with Nathan's placenta - they could not believe it had been low to start with (it was completely covering my cervix 4 weeks before this scan with Elijah!). So much prayer has gone into this (both pregnancies) and all I can say is, God is good to me! :) So so relieved because now I don't have to worry about bleeding and delivery options, etc.

I'm also VERY relieved to be 24 weeks pregnant tomorrow - I always like this "viability" milestone! It means that if Elijah was born, he would have a chance of survival outside my womb, whereas before tomorrow they would not even try to save him.

My womb is still on the small side for me, height-wise. It's a continous growth pattern, but always the same amount "behind". Maybe it will measure normally, but as far as fingerwidths to my tummy button, it's always about 3 weeks behind where it normally is for any given week. But at least it's consistent throughout the pregnancy, and thus IS growing, and Elijah has measured right on track every time I've had a scan. At the 20 (almost 21) week scan, he measured spot on for his legs (not an Arthur or Benjamin then, who have my short leggies!), a week under for his abdomen (don't know who has done that yet!) and a week ahead for his head circumference (Arthur and Benjamin after all then, lol!). It's so much fun to see new combinations of our genes every time - they are ALL different, no matter how many we have! I don't think we've yet had a combination of Arthur and Benjamin's little round heads and Matthew and Nathan's more proportionate legs!

I just. can't. WAIT. to meet him!!!! Seriously! I am so excited, and just want to squeal with glee every time I feel him move and lay my hand on my bump and remember he's COMING and I'll get to hold a new snuffly baby in my arms soooooon!!! I can not get over how blessed I am. I get to do it again, I get to do it again!! I keep saying this (in high-pitched child tones, lol!) to Neil and Heather, just randomly as it occurs to me! :) I think this feeling is stronger this time than the last, and that it is getting stronger each pregnancy, each time I have a baby. I feel more excited, and more blessed, and more wonderful about having a new baby every pregnancy. I didn't think that was possible since I already felt SO over the moon about the first and second, and so on, but it's WAY more now, which is such a precious feeling to have!

I wonder if he'll have dark hair like most of his brothers, or fairer hair like Matthew, or even be blonde like Samuel has managed to be! I feel like we're due a red-head though! :) Neil and I both have red hair in our families, and copper tones to our own hair (well, Neil's beard more than anything else). I would love a red-haired boy! :) But anything is exciting to me. Will he have blue eyes, and will they be soft blue like Samuel's, or dark blue like Nathan's? Will he have grey eyes with some hazel like mine and Benjamin's. Or greenish eyes like Matthew's? Or BROWN eyes like Arthur?! We have a proper mixed bag to choose from, as far as the gene pool goes, lol! SO MUCH FUN every time to find out! :)

He kicks and wiggles much more strongly now, and quite often. He is gentler than some of my other babies, not very vigorous, although he's kicking strongly. I love feeling him move about in there! I can now feel his kicks very clearly with my hands, and can also see my tummy blip when he kicks. Matthew is (so far) the only other person to feel Elijah kick, as he laid his hand on my tummy when he was active (he isn't often active for very long at a time, and prefers late at night or even the small hours of the morning to really thump about in there), and felt some little blips to his hand. He seemed awed, but not as excited as I'd expected! ;) I can't wait until the movements are bigger and more predictable, and all the boys can feel him kick as the opportunity arises.

I haven't had an appointment since the scan, although I've had a urology follow up for my kidney stone (that I had in July) this past week. I am having side pain quite a lot, but they scanned my kidney and there aren't any particular changes, still just this small pocket of accumulated fluid which isn't concerning them, so they are putting it down to pregnancy. I AM getting a lot more ligament pain on that side than usual this pregnancy, and now that my womb is bigger and the ligament pain is higher therefore, I REALLY know about it when I tweak that ligament getting up too suddenly at the same time as twisting, for example. And that's when I realise that the ligament pain is a sharp nasty version of the dull pain I have fairly constantly. So maybe my ligament on that side is just kind of tired and stretched and unhappy this time around? Or being pressured by this pregnancy in a different way? I don't know.

The other thing that's different this pregnancy is that I STILL have morning sickness! Never had anything like it before! My other pregnancies have had morning sickness up until varying stages, but the very latest (by a couple of weeks) was Samuel's at 20 weeks. It was gone by then and didn't return. This time it hung around until 18/19 weeks ish, and then seemed to clear up, but I noticed it again by 20 weeks, though I presumed it was just tired/queasy feeling - it was sooooo mild, barely noticable. It has gradually got worse though, and this week has been quite yucky. I did wonder if it was just tiredness exacerbating something I otherwise wouldn't notice (I'm really tired and sleep deprived just now), but it's definitely proper morning sickness. After I eat, I get the usual few minutes (up to 5, no more) and then my mouth starts to taste a bit yucky and metallic and I start to feel nauseous. Then it stays. Always after lunch and dinner, not always after breakfast, but sometimes it is. The nausea isn't dreadful, like earlier in pregnancy, but it's bothersome now, and the yucky queasiness is dragging me down a bit in the evenings. Bleurgh! Oh well. I'm just glad it's totally manageable, and that I'm only 4 weeks away from my THIRD trimester (gasp!), so the end of the pregnancy seems pretty close all of a sudden, if it ends up continuing to the very end.

I have a nice little baby bump now, which I am extremely proud and fond of! :) I am really enjoying my maternity clothes, and looking pregnant! My bump has had a growth spurt two weeks running now (with a brief breather in the middle), and in that time I have really started to FEEL pregnant. I'm hurting in my pelvis and getting shooting pains to one side of my pubic bone now and again. My hips basically hurt most of the time, but it's not bad yet. I have had some sharp pain when putting weight on my right leg, in the back of my pelvis somewhere, but not all the time. Things are definitely loosening and under more pressure these days! I am also having to shift my balance now, and getting up from the floor is juuust beginning to become more difficult than before. I can't bend tightly over my bump without it being in the way (and hurting from the pressure!), but I'm otherwise able to do all the usual non-pregnant things still.

I am getting spots more often these past couple of weeks, and have had some crazy emotional moments recently! I can go from nothing to majorly over-reacting and tearfulness in a matter of seconds, lol! Absolutely anything slightly sweet or sappy can make me cry, and I want to watch my Anne of Green Gables DVD that I got for Christmas, but NO WAY am I opening that can of worms, lol! I don't think I can deal with the emotional onslaught! It will have to wait until my postnatal hormones have calmed down! ;)

I have scan pics to post from both the 17 week and 20 week scans, which I must/will get around to posting! But I just wanted to get an entry posted for now, otherwise it just won't happen. And now I need to change a few nappies, put Samuel to bed for his nap, and start school for the morning. I NEVER update my blogs in the mornings, but they're playing nicely and I was just sitting down with my necessary cup of tea (didn't sleep until nearly 2am AGAIN - having trouble with insomnia on and off this pregnancy - and then Samuel was up for the day AGAIN at 5am!!!) and thought I might just type a short entry to keep up, while it was all going well in the other room! ;) Now I've managed a pretty solid entry, so that's good! And right on cue, the boys are beginning to bicker about a combine harvester, so I must go! Back asap though, and thanks for being patient! :)

20 weeks - halfway there! :)

2012-01-04T10:23:00.003Z

I can't BELIEVE I am 20 weeks pregnant today! :)

I also didn't realise it had been quite so long since I updated last! Oops! I meant to come back with a belly picture for 18 weeks and the pictures from the scan of Elijah's measurements, BUT I still haven't scanned the pics onto the computer, and I never did get around to an 18 week belly pic :( MUST take one for 20 weeks. I usually do one dressed in the same clothes each time I'm pregnant at 20 weeks, but I didn't get one done for Samuel :(

Anyway, it's day time so the boys are about, therefore I really shouldn't spend long on a blog post (they're busily occupied at the moment, but that's not the point!). I just realised how long it has been and wanted to get started so at least I'd have done SOMETHING by the time I get a chance to finish it off in the evening sometime.

My bump is really (reeeeally) growing now! The top of my uterus is still small, to me. It's still 2 or 3 fingerwidths below my tummy button, and at 20 weeks it should be right at my tummy button. A fingerwidth is roughly a week. So at 21 weeks it should ideally be a fingerwidth (a centimetre) above my tummy button, and so on. But it is really filling out forwards and sideways. Sometimes I can feel that Elijah is lying across me - his head as a little hard round ball in my side. And then a few minutes later the little hard round ball will be up at the top, right under my tummy button! :) Having no placenta over the top of my uterus (which it usually is, for me), I can feel soooo much more, baby-shape wise, at the top.

I am wearing maternity clothes all the time now - I think I started that at 18 weeks, though I didn't show much in them yet, at least they just about fit me. They were kind of loose at the waist though, and now they're not. Elijah kicks and moves and wiggles a LOT, and his kicks are a lot stronger just these last few days. I LOVE feeling them! :) I can feel them easily with my hand, even his smaller wiggles, as it's really clear through my tummy now. I can just about see my tummy move if he does a big movement or clear kick to the front - it blips a bit :) LOVE this stage!!

I haven't been feeling too well lately. It took ages to get over that coldy/cough virus that we had before Christmas, and we're still coughing just a little bit now. I gave it to my sweet doula! :( I feel sooooooo bad. She must have caught it from me the day she went to the scan with me. Thankfully she didn't give it to any of her family, and was well in time for Christmas, but still I feel awful because she was so lovely to be with me, and it was SUCH a horrid bug!

Anyway over New Year's weekend I felt really unwell. I had no energy whatsoever and my arms felt heavy like lead, I couldn't even hold a book or they ached and ached, and my hands shook with the effort. I felt just wiped out physically, but not particularly the type of tired that comes from being sleep deprived. Just physical. I didn't have much of an appetite at all, and as the day when on I got exhausted enough even lying down to start to feel nauseated. Yuck. It reminded me so much of M.E. and I really hate reminders of that horrible time! The weird thing was that it could not have been anything viral at all. We had had literally no exposure to people or places since Christmas Day, and my family were all healthy. I had a bit of a tummy ache to one side, but that was it really. I was somewhat encouraged later in the day on the Sunday when I read an entry in my pregnancy blog from Samuel's pregnancy at 19 weeks and 3 days, where I said that I had been feeling utterly physically wiped out for the past few days, although I didn't feel unwell with it at all. I put it down to a growth spurt on Samuel's part at the time, because I'd read that the baby more than doubles its weight and addes 3cm to its length between 17 and 20 weeks. I was 19 weeks and 4 days pregnant on Sunday when I read that, so it was very reassuring at the time!

The only thing that really bothered me that I couldn't explain was the tummy ache. It was "boring" and continually bothersome, and it felt to me like it was in my kidney area (the same one which had trouble with a kidney stone in July), but if I lay down and actually palpated my kidney then there was no tenderness. Weird. I wondered if it was IBS, because I get that a LOT and it can cause my whole bowel to feel "punched" and bloated, so maybe it's that? I didn't like how it was so one-sided though. As the days went by it became more bothersome and more defined, although I do have some of the same discomfort on the other side as well, and another patch of it lower down on the other side. It's weird. IBS? I don't know. Maybe (hopefully!) just my womb growing and putting pressure on stuff that gets annoyed easily and is trying to adjust? I would have thought it would be familiar from other pregnancies though, if that's the case?

Well on Bank Holiday Monday, Neil took the boys out for the day to his brother's, and they all went out for a walk and stayed for tea, and came home at bedtime. They were gone about 6 hours and it was REALLY weird after 4 hours without them. I really did not like it! It was so quiet, nice at first. And then after about the 4 hour mark, the house was too quiet, and it wasn't nice. Just appliances humming, and I couldn't help but think of life before the boys were born, and how BLAND it is without children. I had no idea, even since they've arrived, because I guess I haven't stopped to compare. I'm so thankful that they're here, making our house noisy and causing me strife, lol! I would not ever rather be without them, or EVER look forward to the days when we "get our lives back" (what sort of selfish phrase is that to say anyway?! I have my life in all its fullness, right here and now!) This is life, and life to the full. How bland and lonely it would be without children in the house! I was so glad to have them home again!

I expected to feel unwell and need to lie down most of the day, because that's how the previous day had been. I was not happy about it, because a combination of New Year and nesting kicking in means that I am DESPERATE to organise, clean, declutter, etc! So maddening when I can't do a thing, even hold a book!!!

I rested for a bit and then started to feel a bit better. I was drinking TONS of water, because I started to worry that the one-sided discomfort might mean a UTI of some sort, and I wanted to flush it out. I have urinalysis test sticks at home, and I had a little protein and some leukocytes in my urine - although that can be normal for me. So just in case, I drank a LOT of water. I did a few sitting-down organising activities and then felt well enough to get up and do some gentle sorting and organising, yay! I felt better that evening than I'd felt for days, so I was encouraged, but at the same time the pain in my side/tummy/back was getting gradually worse. I did notice similar pain on the other side again, but only if I pressed gently. The one-sided pain is there all the time now, no matter what I'm doing. It makes me anxious :(

Tuesday morning Neil went back to work and thankfully my energy was completely back to normal and I felt fine in myself, hooray! Just the pain remained, which was nagging and uncomfortable. I tested my urine through the day and it seemed okay actually - less protein, just a trace or maybe one + of leukocytes at most. So I felt better about it (and in all honestly, probably drank less fluids therefore!).

Today is Wednesday and the pain is STILL bothersome. I don't know what to make of it, but one thing that really disturbs me is the fact that it's right in my side and sometimes feels awfully similar to the pain I was having before the terrible pain of the kidney stone I had in the summer :S I'm so anxious about it today, having realised it could be a possibility. It's so excruciatingly painful (worse than labour, or probably on a level with the worst transition contractions, for me) and utterly unmanageable. I would HAVE to have pain-relief, and anti-nausea medication, and I am not sure I can have anything other than paracetamol because I am pregnant.

I am praying and praying that it's NOT a kidney stone. The one thing that encourages me is that even with a test stick I haven't got a trace of blood in my urine - I know that doesn't rule it out, but it's very common to have blood in the urine, even if it's just a trace amount. Last time I had a lot. At one point I had FRANK blood (just blood, no discernable urine). That was SCARY. Anyway. I also can't have an X-ray at any point to diagnose a kidney stone, even if my symptoms become severe (which I think is the only way to really diagnose a kidney stone?), because I am pregnant.

I phoned Heather and she said I should go to see the doctor. I didn't want to bother with that because it's such a huge faff and honestly there's hardly any point. They can't know one way or the other if it's a kidney stone (even when it WAS one last time, I had several doctors appointments in the run-up to the acute pain over a couple of weeks and they could only guess based on symptoms). And last time when it DID look like it could be a kidney stone, they basically just said to wait it out and hopefully it would pass. They said if the pain gets too bad I would have to go to A&E. Which is what happened. So I can't imagine they'll have anything particularly useful to say, and I don't want to waste a morning or worry about the boys (no way am I taking them with me, with the viruses we've suffered from, courtesy of the doctor's waiting room this past year!). But Heather says I should go, because the difference this time is that I'm pregnant and they may have something different to say or do. Also she is happy to watch the boys at home for me while I go to an appointment tomorrow morning, so I will phone as soon as the lines open in the morning and hopefully get an appointment with the one REALLY good doctor there. Heather also said to take some paracetamol to try and minimise the pain/discomfort so that I'm not dwelling on it and getting anxious so much, and drink plenty still. If it's a kidney stone, drinking plenty to flush it is a good idea anyway. Oh how desperately I'm hoping it's NOT one! It's a horrible prospect, to me, but worse than last time because the pain may not be able to be fixed with drugs. I can't fathom managing that, and being away from my boys again - and what if it somehow affects the pregnancy, in that being in tons of pain for a prolonged time can't be good for the baby, never mind me. And I know the uterus can get irritable and contract-y if there are nearby systems in turmoil. And I have full placenta previa! :S So much to worry about. But now that I've written it all down, I am going to TRY not to. It's not my natural way! But I'll try.

I had better post this for now, and hopefully get chance very soon to post the scan pictures from 17 weeks and get a belly pic for 20 weeks for the gallery. Next week (already!!!) is my big scan, though we already know that he's an Elijah! :) But it'll be exciting to see him and check him out thoroughly all the same, and get a better idea on what's what with my placenta.

Oh, I THINK I am finished with morning sickness, although I have had some very familiar nausea and queasiness this past 5-ish days, with the other symptoms. Sometimes it really felt soooo like morning sickness, so I wondered if it was just re-surfacing a bit. It was gone before 18 weeks, I think - I would say it cleared up officially at 17 weeks this pregnancy, but at 19 weeks I was queasy/nauseous again every day to some degree. It could be whatever is going on with my body though. Today I feel fine so far, nausea-wise, so I'm not going to say it's morning sickness unless the other symptoms go and queasiness is still there. I'm eating fine and my appetite is now good again, so that's good! :)

Back soon!

17 weeks - it's a....!! And quick scan update!

2011-12-16T20:31:00.002Z

Oh I'm so sorry not to update all these days since my scan! I forgot that some readers are not Facebook friends so will not have known what went on! We have been poorly with Neil's lurgy since then. I have basically been in bed with it for the most part, and was really not well on the day of the scan. Neil finally went back to work for a half day as he's still so exhausted from the virus, and I'm still not there yet. All the boys have it - Arthur started the same day as me (Monday), and all the others started Monday night, except Benjamin who was more like Tuesday night. Anyway, they're all okay, just coughing and snotty and tired out. Ugh! At least it seems to be moving quickly enough, so hopefully we'll be 100% fine before Christmas.

I can't stay to update properly, but I just wanted to say that everything is FINE with my little one. All the measurements were spot on 16w5d for head and leg measurements, and 17w0d for abdomen (I was 16 weeks and 6 days at the scan, so pretty much perfect measurements) - SUCH a huge relief! The sonographer could not tell why I was measuring small but she just said maybe I'm hiding it well?! ;) The baby had a healthy amount of amniotic fluid in there, etc, so all looked fine.

We did find out that the baby is a BOY!!! :D I had zero bad feelings, and just felt so happy and excited. I have much more to write about the details of the scan and I have a few photos of measurements (not particularly exciting ones of his face or anything) that I want to include here, but I haven't been well enough to sort out scanning and uploading and so on, yet. So I will come back and do a proper catch up another time.

So our baby boy is Elijah Douglas! The boys are really thrilled to be getting another brother, and seemed quite relieved, lol! We are not telling them his name for a while because we like to keep the name a secret until the birth announcement, and I think they'll tell friends of ours in the meantime, when we see them. I am beyond excited to be using this lovely name, and delighted to honour Grandoug at last! :) I can't believe I have SIX sons, and my Elijah after alllll these years loving the name! :)

He is kicking a lot more now, and I'm feeling the kicks and movements more clearly.

The one thing is that I have currently got complete placenta previa, where the placenta completely covers the cervix (and thus the baby's way out). I'm only 17 weeks though, so it has plenty of time to move up out of the way. I am hoping and praying that it will even have done so by 21 weeks (my next scan) because otherwise they'll book me a scan at 32 weeks to check on it, and that's a LONG wait to worry about it (and the risk of heavy bleeding) and have the various restrictions imposed, etc. It may well resolve long before 32 weeks so I don't want to have to wait that long to find out it has, if you see what I mean?! Anyway, for now I am being careful. And hoping it's moving up!

Will update again soon!

I love my doula!

2011-12-12T00:44:00.002Z

Deja-vu, anyone?! ;)

Thank you so very much for the sweet messages after my last post. They were so uplifting, and Shannon, I just read yours a minute ago and it was basically what I have needed to hear all day long, which God has put on my heart earlier this evening, so it was a blessing to have that confirmation in your message! Thank you all for taking the time to encourage and love me!

Today has been superbly sucky. I just. can't. shift. this weight about the baby. It's pulling at me like an achy weight that I'm dragging along. I have had ample opportunity for distraction today, so it has been nagging at me subconsciously instead of being right in my face.

Neil is so poorly right now. His heavy cold thing has really messed with his asthma and he is using his inhaler like never before and struggling to be out of bed at all. I do not exaggerate when I say I have probably been the worst at wifeyness that I have ever been before. I have not coped with the slightest thing, and I do mean SLIGHTEST. I have never known hormones like this before in my other pregnancies, unless they're not really hormones so much as anxiety about the baby plus some sort of hormone surge maybe.... Anyway, I have been angry and shouty and blamey and plain MEAN and nasty, and have not just saved it for my poor sick husband, but my children as well (bonus points for the Sucko-Woman 2011 contest). They have been so bloomin' difficult today, just rude and shouty to us (wonder where they picked that up from??), out to cause as much noisy trouble as possible, and picking fights with each other. Samuel didn't get his afternoon nap and cried and screeched a lot late afternoon, and Benjamin doesn't usually nap but acted like he was missing one anyway. I hope nobody is coming down with Neil's lurgy...

Anyway. Ugh. All day I have been having to physically squash down that "ugly" sort of crying that got to my throat and eyeballs often enough to make me just ache there for the afternoon. I am not good at losing it in front of my kids. I am not good at losing it at all. I'm more of a squasher. It hurts, but not as much as letting the lid off the thing and exploding everywhere.

I just feel so tired somewhere in a weird place, and just burnt out emotionally and physically. For some reason I have been shaky a lot today, and breathless easily. Every time I was moody I KNEW I was doing the wrong thing, but if I could squash it, it just came back like 5 seconds later. I am not really one to lose my temper, but you know that sort of "seeing red" feeling that you get (rarely for me) when you REALLY lose it, and then you feel all out of control with what you say? My trigger button seemed to be broken today, and I was flicking onto "seeing red" all OVER the place, even from nowhere, or over nothing at all. I've never known anything quite like it (thankfully!)!

I just made sooooo many screw-ups today. I know that tomorrow is a new day, and God is gracious, and I can do all things in His strength. He also extends grace to my husband and children when I mess up. But today just went so horribly, and I could not see clearly about it at all. After I put the boys to bed, Neil started a migraine - he is bed bound for 24 hours once those start, plus he is really poorly otherwise too. I needed so very badly to just get some time to myself so that I could sort all my feelings out with God and ask Him to equip me for tomorrow (and forgive me for today). I needed head space. They went to bed a bit late, but once they were down, I drove to a late night chemist (it's Sunday so no local ones are open) to get Neil's prescription. It was a long wait, and the weather was rotten, but it was helpful to get some quiet around me. When I got home, Neil felt too sick to take the medication, and since the two bedrooms have little ones in, he was downstairs in the living room with a bowl in case he threw up. Being scared silly of vomiting in any context, that left me the kitchen (right off the living room, and covered with food and dirty dishes at the mo) to decompress in, silently, since I couldn't disturb Neil. Or go to bed.

I am sure it's hormones but I felt so weird and unhappy. I got Neil a drink and sat in the dark living room crying without any noise while he dozed for a bit. After a while he decided to go up to bed, and once he did and I closed the door behind him, I completely lost it. The amount of crying and not being able to stop after a while made me scared, and I didn't know what to do so I ended up picking the phone up and calling Heather at 9.45pm. I think I just wanted to tell her that I was feeling hormonal and overwhelmed, and to know that she would be praying for me would make me feel better. That and to hear someone's voice, listening to me.

Such a surreal thing, emotions are. To me, anyway. I am not used to them, or how I feel and sound when I give in to them. I told Heather briefly about the day, and that I was feeling just burnt-out and she listened so sympathetically, which was balm to my soul. She suggested coming round tomorrow to help in some way with the boys, and I said that there's illness here and I didn't want her to get it. She said that she wouldn't be kissing Neil, and my laugh turned into a whole bunch of sobbing, and I told her that I just felt so miserable and I didn't know what was going wrong with my head. She said, "I'm coming. I won't be long. Hang on." and was on my doorstep 5 minutes later.

She spent two hours listening, saying soothing things, making sure I was hydrated (lol, a true doula in any situation!), just letting me cry and talk. After a little bit she asked to pray for me, and OH how I needed that! We must have prayed together for an hour or more. So much that God is doing in me. There's some hurt and stuff inside - waaaay deep where I must have hidden it a long time ago - that I am too scared to hand over to God. We prayed into that for a good while but I just can't bring myself to release that yet. I know I need to, and it's doing me no good hanging on. And I'm believing a lie that it will be more painful to release it than to keep it stuffed. But still I hang on, for now. So much peace though, from the prayer time. Every time I said, "But God, THIS!" instantly a Bible verse contradicting it came to mind. Eventually I said, "But God, I'm worried about my baby!" and instantly the baby kicked my hand, which was lying over my tiny bump, for the first time. It was no longer than one second after I said the word baby, seriously. I love God! :) I haven't felt any really good little kicks yet, and none have ever been strong enough to reach my hand through my "layers". Immediately I felt such peace, and even felt like laughing for joy! :) After that I felt less achy inside and unhappy, and we spent some time praying LIFE over this baby I'm carrying. Which was really special to me.

Eventually Samuel woke for a feed, and after I came back down, Heather suggested that she (and maybe her daughter if she wants to) come round tomorrow morning to help me take the boys to the park. One of the main things upsetting me about the boys is that it seems like they are not getting out of the house much right now, what with one thing and another, and I feel so bad about it. It's such hard work taking them all out, physically, and can be rather difficult emotionally when they have a mind to be mischievous and I am kind of fragile in that department. So I was just amazed at Heather suggesting that she come and help! Bless her heart, she is so wonderful! She is also helping me the day after by going to the scan with me. I can't get over how much God is blessing us right now through Heather and her family. I'm honestly in AWE of it. And I just love her so much. She's a wonderful friend, and I praise God for bringing her into my life!

She had me tell her about my favourite place in the world, and also how I met God - both things which make me feel happy and glowy inside. And then she went home, and I realised I had not finished my Tesco order in time and it can't be cancelled now, so tomorrow they'll be delivering a pack of bendy straws instead of a whole big bunch of groceries, for a delivery price of £4.50!!! Oh well! You've got to laugh, I suppose! ;)

Samuel has been wakeful since then, and now I've come down it's really late, but I feel like I want to "download" all this stuff to help me feel lighter about it. And I do, so I'm glad, even though I'll be tired from it tomorrow. I am so encouraged by my little baby's kick this evening! :) And I am going to bed now. I'll update very soon, as the scan is only 2 days away. Hopefully everything will be okay.

16 weeks, 3 days - new belly pic

2011-12-10T22:13:00.002Z

Back again. I guess I need to write here more at the moment.

I just put my belly pic in Sausage's belly gallery. The link is to the whole list of allll my babies' belly galleries (except Arthur's which is at the old pregnancy diary - must transfer a ton of posts over here sometime!), and Sausage's stuff is at the top. I'm really kind of concerned now, seeing the picture - it does show what I've been feeling, that I'm really not showing much for 16 weeks. I think I actually look smaller than I did at 11 weeks, but Neil pointed out that could be due to bloating at 11 weeks. But, that's typical for me in ALL my pregnancies and there's always a definite progression of growth from the 10/11 week belly pic, through the 14 week one, to the 16 week one. Each one is always bigger than the previous one. All my 16 week belly pics from my other pregnancies are bigger than I currently am - especially Benjamin's! I missed a photo that week with Samuel... And Nathan's 16 week picture is probably the smallest of the bunch, but still there is growth through from 10 weeks that I am not showing this time.

I am probably (maybe) blowing everything out of proportion, but I am just SO. WORRIED. :( I am trying not to dwell on it, but failing miserably. It really isn't helping that I am having the weirdest hormones these past two weeks - more so the past week maybe. I just feel adolescent and weird and unhappy. Very HORMONAL though, not unhappy in another sense. It's hard to shake off, and I am very sensitive to everything, and much more so since Thursday.

I feel like I have had bad news about the baby, that's sort of how I seem to have internalised it, even though that's stupid because I HAVEN'T, and I'm jumping the gun.... But I do. I feel anxious and unhappy, and completely unmotivated to do anything at all. I am wearing some nice cosy PJs in the belly pic, which I put on to go to bed on Thursday evening and am still wearing. I just feel in such a slump, and the big boys are being so horrid and difficult, and I'm being all weird and feeling like they're picking on me instead of being a grown-up and dealing with it. They make me want to run upstairs and cry, and I just have zero motivation to do anything with the boys at all these last couple of days. I feel such a horrible mother :( I know I'm not REALLY, but that kind of head knowledge isn't really sinking in at the moment. Right at this moment I am not particularly being a GOOD mother, which is sad. The boys are watching DVDs and playing happily for the most part. And otherwise giving me a lot of trouble (attitudes and disobeying and acting deaf and the usual kid stuff) - I am just dealing with it soooo badly, emotionally.

Ugh.

Anyway. I have had some advice here and there from people who have BTDT, and some have been wrong about their dates (I know I'm not), and others have ended up with 2nd trimester miscarriages. Yep. Often the first sign of a chromosomal abnormality that hasn't already ended in an early miscarriage, is restricted growth in the 2nd trimester or beyond. Those are the types of abnormalities that aren't compatible with life. OR maybe everything is fine and I have a little baby in there? Or some other reason that I can't actually find at the moment? One lady is currently pregnant (33 weeks I think) and her baby has been diagnosed with Intra Uterine Growth Restriction since 18 weeks, and they've found no reason so far. They are continuing to monitor the baby until birth, so I don't know the outcome on that one. Another lady's uterus was retro-flexed at this kind of stage and as it got bigger it caught up FAST in the "showing" department!

I don't know about those things for me, because it's my 6th pregnancy and I find it hard to believe my uterus could go flexing differently than it ever has before after all this time, to the point where I look less pregnant than I should (when I NEVER do at any stage of any of my pregnancies). Some folks are saying (sweetly, to reassure!), maybe it's a girl this time?! And maybe it is! But I should still measure 16 weeks when I'm 16 weeks, surely? I just can't think of a good explanation. None of them seem to hold water for me.

Soooo Neil and I have had some discussions. He feels sure the baby is fine, well, he did until he saw my belly gallery with the new picture up, and now he is praying with me that all is well. He saw Benjamin's 16 week picture and said, "THAT'S 16 weeks?!.... Oh."

We have decided that Heather will accompany me to the scan on Tuesday, and he will be off work that day (he has finished some work ahead of time, and they are really good about him taking off for appointments and such) and stay home with all 5 boys. I actually really WANT Heather with me, although I would ideally have both of them if I could. I feel scared. I hope I am wrong, and everything turns out to be fine and dandy (and it COULD!). But I am scared until I know.

If something is wrong with the baby, I know what I would choose, when they start discussing options with me, and Neil says it's my body and I'm the one carrying the baby, and he would want me to make the decisions at the time if I am happy to. I told him they might offer me an amniocentesis to diagnose a chromosomal problem if it's a possibility, and that I would decline. I don't want the small risk of miscarriage. I don't want anything invasive, even if it would give us answers. It would be helpful to KNOW but it wouldn't change anything other than that. If our baby has a problem that means it may die at any point during the pregnancy, be stillborn, or die shortly after birth, I would not, and will never terminate a pregnancy. I just can't play God. As unbearable as it must be to carry it out, I would choose to continue the pregnancy until God decided to take the baby home. If I was blessed with a few minutes or hours with my baby in my arms before that point, I would be forever grateful and so very glad not to have chosen an alternative earlier on. I don't know how anyone bears that though...

So Neil is happy with those choices - they would be his too. I think that's all I need to have covered with him before going to the scan. He doesn't like the name Rachel, but if it's a girl and she will not live, I NEED to call her Rachel. I haven't asked him yet because I will cry if I do, and I can't be on with that right now. But if it does all come to that, I hope he will be happy to let me.

Now that we're all prepared, I should put it out of my head and just wait for Tuesday, where hopefully all will be well! :) It's harder than I thought, though.

I phoned Heather today to tell her I would like her to come with me to the scan instead of babysitting some of the boys, and she is happy to do whatever we want her to. She asked how I was doing, and I said I was having trouble putting one foot in front of the other mentally and emotionally, but physically I am fine. I think it is mainly hormones - bad timing for those at this particular time, hey?! :) I told her the same as I wrote here, that it just feels like I have received bad news about the baby, when I haven't yet, and it's hard to see straight about Tuesday. She reminded me to focus on the Lord, and that is the best advice really.

I was calling her upstairs because we are saying nothing to the boys, obviously, except that I am having a scan on Tuesday (they knew I wasn't due one until January) just to check the baby and see how big he or she is. They know Heather is going with me and that Daddy is home with them that day, and that I might get to see whether the baby is a boy or a girl. Maybe! As soon as I put the phone down, I sat in the quiet and wondered what to say to God. I told him that I hope my baby is okay. And that I was scared to ask Him to make the baby be okay if he/she wasn't going to be. But that I trusted Him. Then I remembered something from a song we sing at church called "Blessed be the name of the Lord":

He gives and takes away, He gives and takes away. My heart will choose to say, "Lord, blessed be Your name!" Blessed be the name of the Lord, blessed be Your name. Blessed be the name of the Lord, blessed be Your glorious name!

So I found myself praising Him for GIVING, for giving me this child. And accepting if He takes this child away. And crying and crying my heart out. And telling Him that I will praise His name all the same because He is just WORTHY of it, no matter what happens, or what He in his perfect wisdom decides is part of our journey. I am pretty sure that if He "takes away" this time, it is not going to be easy at ALL to CHOOSE to bless His name all the time, but I sure as heck am going to put my best foot forward. I love Him. I trust Him. I cling to Him because apart from Him there is no other, and (oh this is from another wonderful song!) why would I turn my back on the only shelter I have from the storm? And anyway, He is always worthy of my praise.

So now I think I should be "done" with the what-ifs and the emotional rollercoaster, and hopefully will just rest more peacefully about it until Tuesday. I hope, I hope, I hope. I don't like uncertainty! I hope my hormones will come about and I will feel lighter and cope generally better than I have been for a while. That will help TONS.

I am sure I will post again soon. Neil has a heavy cold this weekend which I guess he picked up at work. I'm desperately hoping the boys and I don't get it. I could do without the addition of a cold that hits me like a truck (as they tend to when I'm pregnant), and I think alllll our kiddies would not be clear of coldiness by Christmas which might mean we have to miss spending Christmas Day with my family (due to grandparents of somewhat frail health in their mid-80s!), and I would feel so so so distraught about that if it happened! I hope everything turns out okay this week...

16 weeks, 2 days - consultant update

2011-12-09T11:37:00.002Z

I went for my consultant appointment yesterday with Heather. It went fine - we had to wait aaaages as always, but we chatted and it was nice. :) After a while I didn't feel so well, just tired I think. And morning sick. I felt increasingly nauseous and the light looked too bright and swimmy. I already had a headache before going out so that was getting worse which didn't help. Anyway, by the time we got called, I felt rubbish!

We saw a midwife who did my obs and stuff before the consultant came in, and she was very chatty and asked how I was feeling. I lied and said I felt fine, because I didn't want ANOTHER thing to add to the list of concerns by saying I felt unwell! I was pretty sure it wasn't relevant to my pregnancy anyway, just tiiiiired and still queasy.

So she filled in notes and asked questions, like, "Is this your second baby?" I said, "No..." and looked at Heather, and she said, "Third, fourth?" I said, "Keep going." haha! ;) She actually didn't bat an eyelid at sixth, just said I must be busy. I'm sure other people DO have six babies! After she filled in my notes, we went through to the examination room where she tested my urine, which was completely negative of anything (hooray!), and took my blood pressure. I expected it to be really low again, thinking maybe that was why I was feeling so yucky and lightheaded, but it was 110/80 which is very good for me!

Then she got the doppler out and I lay on the bed. She wasn't too gentle feeling around for my uterus, and put the doppler above it for some reason once she found it! She did angle it down though. She listened for the heartbeat all over the place, various parts of my tummy and all sorts of angles, but all we heard was a white noise silence and occasionally my own pulse. After the first couple of minutes I started to seriously NOT enjoy it. By 5 minutes I was actually feeling pretty anxious for my little one. She was being chatty and cheerful and way too brisk, saying how the consultant would probably be better at it than her, and how it's sometimes hard to hear a baby's heartbeat at 16 weeks - which did NOT reassure me since I know that's rhubarb. I have been hearing the baby's heartbeat since 8 weeks, and by 12 it's EASY to find. Way more so four weeks later! Although having said that, a week or so ago when the boys wanted to hear Sausage's heart beating, it wasn't immediately evident, and I think I searched around for a minute maybe, before finding it. That's odd for me at this stage though...

Anyway, she started asking if I was feeling the baby move yet, and I said yes, but just faintly. She occasionally asked while looking for the heartbeat, if I could feel movement right now. I felt so put on the spot! I really can't feel movement too clearly at all, and it's few and far in between anyway. I automatically started straining to feel any sort of pop or wiggle as she waited for my answer :( I wondered at the start if I had felt a single tiny pop to my cervix when she first started non-gently prodding the top of my uterus about, but I wasn't sure enough to say, so I said, "Maybe..." I didn't feel anything at the time she asked me. After 5 minutes, trying not to make eye contact with Heather or the midwife (I just didn't want to), she cheerfully suggested that I hop up and walk around a bit, because sometimes that helps the baby change position. Again, noooo reassurance for me because that's surely rubbish at 16 weeks! Position my foot, the baby is RIGHT THERE for a doppler. Anyway I got up and paced about the room feeling sort of embarrassed because they were both being cheery and jokey, but it sounded forced to me and I felt like I was being treated like a child a bit. Not by Heather so much, she was just going along with the midwife. Anyway. I said I needed a wee (which I did) and the midwife said that would probably help. I went to the loo and PRAYED my heart out that we'd find the baby's heartbeat and everything would be okay. It was such a horrid moment!

When I got back, the consultant had arrived and shook my hand as I walked through the door. He is so nice, and has a great sense of humour. I really like him! He sat straight down at the desk and we started the "discussion" part of the appointment. He talked briefly about the "risk" of having more than 5 babies, that of haemmorrhage, which is uhhhh basically UNTRUE but which the medical community believes anyway (despite complete and utter lack of anything to support it - Heather has researched throughly, AND questioned them as to where they get their evidence from, and they can not give her an answer, they fob her off with the fact that they learn it as part of their training!!!). And that he would prefer for me to deliver in the hospital due to that risk. And the Group B Strep status, how there's a risk to the baby, though slight. Etc. He recommended a managed 3rd stage (syntometrine injection to deliver the placenta) because of the "increased risk of haemmorrhage". He then asked me what I wanted to do. I said I wanted a homebirth, and he asked if I planned to have a managed 3rd stage and I said, "No." We talked a bit about the usual observations I need to make of my newborn, which I am now very familiar with doing, and he didn't make any objections. He finished by saying he had no problem with me planning a homebirth, but he would like to see me at 36 weeks just to review the pregnancy and make sure there were not any additional risk factors along the way. So, a good result, and one I expected, since he's a really good consultant who isn't anti-homebirth! :)

A non-managed 3rd stage is important to me because a) managing it isn't natural, and b) I want my baby to get ALL the blood that belongs to him/her, which continues to be pumped from the placenta for some time after the baby is born! It amounts to about a THIRD of the baby's total blood volume, seriously folks. I do not want to cut that supply off prematurely, which is exactly what "managing" the 3rd stage is about.

So then Heather pointed out that the midwife hadn't found the baby's heartbeat, and he said, "Oh, then let's go through and take a look!" We went through and I felt soooo nervous climbing on the bed and lying down. He felt my tummy first (expertly and gently, I might add), and kept doing so for quite a while, with a thoughtful expression. He said, "How many weeks are you?" although he knew, I think, from my notes. I told him 16, and he said, "Hmmm... you're not as big as I would expect for 16 weeks." This made me SO NERVOUS, having not yet found the baby's heartbeat, but especially coming from a very experienced consultant who wasn't likely to be making a mistake with his findings. I could not think why my womb was measuring behind at such an early stage, especially with everything measuring right on track at nearly 13 weeks - only 3 weeks ago. My mind did go to the thought that things might have deteriorated between then and now :( This was not helped by the next question he asked - "Have you noticed diminishing pregnancy symptoms?" To which I answered, "I don't think so..." He asked if I had had any pregnancy symptoms to start with, and I said I had morning sickness. He asked if it was still there, and I said yes, but it's milder now. At 16 weeks MOST people's morning sickness has cleared up for perfectly normal reasons, so that was a bit annoying that he made a bit of a thing of it when it could have cleared right up without it being a sign of a problem!

*sigh*

Anyway, he stopped feeling my tummy and got out the doppler. To my immense relief he found the heartbeat almost straight away. I just let out a huuuuuge breath, like I had been holding it for the past 15 minutes or something! But I was still worried about the size thing. After we went back to the desk, he updated my notes to say he was happy with my homebirth plans, and told me I should make sure I go to my 20 week scan to check on the baby (nerves!!!!). He asked if I had any questions, and I had a typical blank-brain moment, so thankfully Heather prompted me that I might be nervous about the size issue and could do with some reassurance?! Why won't my brain work when I am asked a question of any sort?!! Tsk!

So I said that it did make me nervous. He said he was not concerned at this point because he had heard the fetal heart and I had had a previous healthy scan. But he said again that I should be sure to attend my 20 week scan. I said that it was 4 weeks of nervousness away (actually nearer 5 - I'll be 1 day shy of 21 weeks at my scan), and he immediately said, "Then we'll scan you sooner for reassurance." He told me to go to reception and book a scan to check on the fetal size for as soon as possible. When I did that, they said the earliest they could do was next Tuesday. So I'm going in for a scan at 16 weeks and 6 days, on Tuesday 13th - a year to the day after my due date with Samuel. The appointment is at 12.40pm, and Neil says it will be no problem to take the day off work as he's ahead in his work right now, and they are always sympathetic about appointments and so on. Heather said she is available and very willing to either come with me or babysit the boys. Neil says I should go to the scan with Heather while he stays home with the boys, because then he can keep Samuel with him too (we wouldn't leave Samuel with Heather yet), and he thinks Heather would be the perfect person to have with me if something was wrong with the baby. I am in two minds over it. It's his baby too, and if everything IS fine, it's possible we could find out the gender on Tuesday! I asked him about it but he said he doesn't mind waiting until the 20 week scan to see the baby, and if we find out the baby's gender then he will be happy to hear it from me and see for himself in a few weeks. So I think that's what we'll do - I think I will ask Heather to go with me. I actually would love Heather to be with me at a scan, because she is so involved with my babies and it's lovely to have her able to SEE the baby before it's even born! :) I would like Neil with me, but we'd have Samuel too, and I think if something was wrong, he would probably focus on Samuel as a way of coping, and I know that Heather is an expert at being "there" for mummies over any issue with their babies. I would need that level of support.

So, Tuesday! I am nervous, reeeeeally nervous, even though Neil feels sure that everything is fine, and Heather reassured me that if the consultant had been concerned, she is sure he would have cracked out the portable u/s machine to check right then and there. I am desperately watching for movements, and planning to listen in with my doppler more than I have been over the next few days. I just want to hear that the little one is the same wiggly active baby he/she has always been. It will be very reassuring for me, and if it's not the case then I think I would benefit from a heads-up. I will be terribly nervous on Tuesday probably, but Heather has told me to go home and PRAY, especially my prayer about fear that's taped to my chest of drawers. So I will. I feel so insecure and weird and hormonal inside, which doesn't help. It's like the same sort of hormones that I remember from adolescence (BOY am I glad those years are behind me!), and I don't know if I have ever had this much trouble with those sort of hormones in any of my other pregnancies. Maybe a girl?

The other part of me is so happy to be having an opportunity to see my little love again at the scan SO SOON!!! :D And a good opportunity for an early look at whether the baby is a boy or a girl! How exciting! :) It will not be a long scan, just a quick measure for reassurance, they said. So it might not be appropriate to ask to see if the baby is a boy or a girl, but I'm hoping they'll be looking at the baby from various angles long enough for me to catch a glimpse of the gender myself. If I feel confident enough I will ask if there's anything between the baby's legs! ;) If there is something wrong with the baby I will flat out ask them the baby's gender, because it will be SO helpful to me to know that as I cope with what's ahead.

Neil feels sure it's a girl, because he said there was NOTHING between the baby's legs at the 12w5d scan, and we saw 3 lines. I reminded him that there must have been SOMETHING there at that early stage, but the angle could have been such that it didn't come into view - AND there are folks who have seen 3 lines at their scans with boys at that stage, showing the curvature of the scrotum. He still says it's a girl because we've never seen anything like that at the other boys' scans.

Okay, Samuel is crying so I have to go. I just wanted to update about the appointment. I am definitely looking smaller than usual at 16 weeks, and I will get Neil to take a pic tonight if I remember, so that I can post it and compare more easily. I will also get round to posting the letter to my grandparents soon - they did call me the other night with slightly tense if very positive words! :) Hooray!

15 weeks, 6 days - kinda sorta Samuel's birth story...

2011-12-06T21:51:00.003Z

I just had a quick look at my blog to see when I last updated, and it was TWO WEEKS AGO!!! That's so bad! So here I am to do something about it, lol!

Well let's see.... I will be 16 weeks pregnant tomorrow - how on earth did that happen?! I looked up Sausage's length tonight because this morning when I woke up and put my hand to my little bump where the baby is, it felt a bit tender, and there was a shape pressing out against my tummy. When I felt it carefully, I wondered if it might be Sausage's back. It was about 4-5 inches long, absolutely horizontal across my uterus (which was a bit tender at either "end"!), and maybe 1.5 to 2 inches across. I didn't really know how big Sausage might be at this stage, having not looked it up for a few weeks, so I thought I'd do so tonight. Well, at 16 weeks, Sausage should be 4.5 inches long from head to bottom! So I am pretty sure I was feeling my little baby's back pressing out for the first time! :) It felt pretty BIG to me, considering how not-that-pregnant I still feel, and look. And I'm barely feeling movements, so it's strange to feel such a large object there and know it's the baby, while not really being that "aware" of it yet!

This past week I am feeling movements more consistently, definitely every day now, and usually more than once or twice, but always sooooo faint and tiny and gentle. Sometimes I can barely tell that it was a baby wiggle. I feel squirmy movements sometimes, like a strange swirling pressing motion somewhere around my bikini line, which are a little bit uncomfortable. These last few days I have felt the first proper little pops and taps of actual kicks, but they're sooooo adorably tiny! How I LOVE this part! :D

The boys asked to hear Sausage's heart beating last week, so amidst great excitement, I used the doppler to let them hear. They LOVE hearing the boinks and splatches that show Sausage's (MANY!) vigorous movements, but this particular time it seemed very much like Sausage was asleep! :) The heart rate was steady, never changed at all over a few minutes, and it was so much slower than we've heard it before - 145bpm. Usually it's way up around 170 or something. Well, I say usually, but we haven't really listened in many times, or for a while lately. Anyway, there were two faint sounds of a foot or hand, but they were so gentle and it could easily have been a sleep movement. I am pretty sure Sausage was sleeping - so sweet! :)

On Thursday this week (16w1d) I am going for my consultant appointment at the hospital (re. the many babies and Group B Strep, etc.) like last time. I am seeing the same consultant that I saw last time so hopefully that is a GOOD thing and he won't hang heavy on anything, since we've been there and done that. I'm so thankful I'll have Heather, my doula, with me all the same!

My doula has been AMAZING these last two weeks. She is now homeschooling her 13-year-old daughter, and she phoned a week or two ago to ask if they could come round the next morning. The boys LOVE her and were so excited, and we'd never met her daughter before so that was exciting too! She turned out to love the boys so much that she wants to come and play with them regularly in the New Year - she actually suggested to her mum that they make it a weekly or fortnightly thing to give me a break!!! Amazing girl! Anyway, they came with some lovely gifts for no particular reason. They'd baked chocolate cake, and bought an advent calendar with wooden boxes, and filled each box with 5 small things (one for each boy) like stickers, sweeties, etc. Soooooo lovely! The boys are having so much fun opening the boxes now that it's December. They brought a chocolate advent calendar for ME! :) They had just finished making their own Christmas Puddings, and had one spare to give to us! I am the only person in this house who eats them, and I LOVE them. At home (growing up) we always always made them ourselves, NEVER ate shop-bought ones (they SUCK in comparison, trust me!). I have had the odd shop-bought one since, but they're really so rubbish compared to homemade that I mostly go without Christmas Pud at Christmas now :( This year I get to have some because we're having a family gathering on Christmas Day at my brother's house, and my parents are bringing the homemade Christmas Pudding!!! Yay! But Heather has brought me a real homemade one too! I'm so touched by that, and happy to get to eat my way through one over the festive period, haha!

Anyway. Heather also gave me a Christmas card and told me to open it when they had left, and not to lose it. They stayed 4 hours and built railway tracks with the boys, and read a million stories, and generally entertained the little ones so well. After the left I went in the kitchen and opened the card, and there was a cheque inside for £700!!!! I was moved to tears when I saw it, and the note with it. There was a detailed explanation but basically God had told them to give it to us, so they did. God is SO GOOD to us, providing for our needs so wonderfully. We always seem to be at the end of what we can manage with, money wise, but it doesn't mean God ISN'T providing for our needs. He sees us and He does provide, in all sorts of ways, and I'm so grateful! The timing was amazing for me because in the two days beforehand, I had just taken quite some time to think about and draft a letter to my grandparents, to announce my pregnancy. It was fairly lengthy in the end, and I explained our thoughts and reasons, etc. I emailed it to my parents to give them a heads-up (they often get phoned first when there's big news that my grandparents want to rant about!) and also because they'd give me good feedback if it needed changing. I'm happy to have sent it to them in any case because, although they know our reasons for having lots of babies, they don't agree with them and it's nice to really lay it out and remind them that we are trusting God (and that's He is faithful!). None of my family are Christians. In the letter I wrote about God providing for us financially, even though it might not seem like it, so to receive a lot of money in the next couple of days was a real encouragement to me and I know that God timed it for a reason. I love God! :)

I will copy and paste my letter here in a separate entry, I think. It will be good to have it recorded here, because my dad said that when I have my next baby after this one (Yes! He said that!!! Totally normal and casual conversation too! :D ), it will be good to plan to announce to my grandparents this way again if it proves to work well.

Anyway, so my doula rocketh! :D I love her so much. When I phoned to thank her (profusely) the next morning, she told me about her daughter's request to come over regularly to help with the boys from January (she has other commitments until then) with Heather, and ohhhh it was so lovely. To top it all off, Heather told me she has absolutely no intention of letting me pay her this time around, and that she plans to "doula" me for free! I just had no words at all. She said that she DOES do a couple of freebies a year, and this time it's me :) But she said that I'm one of her very top favourite women to doula for, because I just do birth so well (she's so encouraging, really made me beam as she told me all this!) and it's absolutely no work for her at all. She said it's quick, straightforward, and silent, haha! She turns up with no need to work with me about what to do in this or that circumstance, or to help me make decisions, etc.

I MUST write my birth story for Samuel properly, but in a nutshell, I had a membrane sweep at 41 weeks exactly, had a night of cramps, diarrhoea and nausea, and not much sleep, all along losing bloody show. I phoned her EARLY, maybe 6-something am, to ask her if she could come over, and was sort of maybe having contractions, but just generally didn't feel great and was a bit nervous, and felt sure that this would lead to something pretty soon. She came over incredibly quickly, and prayed with me and sat with me. I lay on my bed and rested. Definitely started contractions, but I can't remember when that was a sure regular labour-ish thing. Midwife came and stayed, also in my room, on a chair at the end of my bed. I lay on my side and rested. Heather brought out some peppermint oil because I felt sick (never felt sick with labour before) and within 30 mins all nausea had utterly completely vanished and never returned (so thankful!).

I really don't remember the details enough off the top of my head, but I have Heather's notes somewhere, so I'll be able to do a proper more detailed birth story soon, hopefully!

Anyway, basically they decided labour started around 9am in the end, but since I am silent and restful the midwife commented that it's hard to tell what's going on in my labours (she was at Benjamin's birth too). I just breathe, and don't talk. Heather is silent too, and when a midwife arrives she intercepts them and tells them I need silence to labour, where possible. So I do! :) My own bed, silence, rest. Dealing with contractions as they come, with breathing. Heather sits by my side, either by the bed, or on the bed on the side I'm not lying on, writing her notes as I do things that she is tuned into and which the midwives don't notice (she gave them thumbs-up signs a lot apparently, as I did things which to her meant progress, but which they might not have noticed, lol!). After a while I want to take my glasses off (this gets a thumbs-up from Heather to the midwife) and shortly after that I want to cover my eyes when I am dealing with a contraction, and need to really work on focus and breathing to manage the pain. Covering my eyes apparently gets a madly excited thumbs up from Heather, haha, it made me laugh when she was telling me afterwards, because I had no idea at the time! ;)

Pretty soon (maybe this was 2 or 3 hours in?) I needed to hold Heather's hand during contractions and was making more "in pain" sounds like I wasn't dealing so well with the pain. She kept me focused, reminded me of the Bible verses I had on the walls, etc. But very quiet and very little speech all the while. Transition gets me more vocal, starting to say things at last, like I can't manage much more of the pain and I don't want to do any more contractions, because I truly feel like I can't TAKE IT ANY MORE! ;) Peak of transition for me = anxiety, panic sometimes. I actually had to push this time (gasp, haha!) for a few minutes, and before that set in I was really quite petrified for a while. Heather reminded me that it's normal, it's due to hormonal changes, it means the 2nd stage is starting, etc, it's going to be okay. She gets more involved at this point, and is more physically there fore me, holding my hand, giving me sips of water, using a cool facecloth on my face between contractions (I'm always so HOT!). I really NEED her at this point onwards, but until then I have been okay sort of on my own, in my own head.

With Samuel, for the first time since Arthur I got myself ready to push! I got propped up in bed like I wanted to be, and bent my knees up ready. And then I waited for a contraction, and PANICKED! I was terrified to go through the next part, and I suddenly became tearful and high pitched and shook my head saying I didn't want to doooo it, and didn't they know that I CAN'T do it, I just caaaan't?!! Heather was so supportive and strong for me when I needed that. And of course a contraction came and I pushed. For the first time we decided that I would like to try to control the birth itself, to minimise the risk of tearing (I always have a 2nd degree tear and did not fancy the stitches again - hate that part so much!). So it was the first time since Arthur that I have had some sort of coaching from a midwife whilst pushing. It was exactly what I needed, which I didn't expect! It put the control back in the scary uncontrollable descent of the baby's head, for me. I pushed a little bit and then the midwife would say, "Stop pushing." and I would blow blow blow like a crazy woman, and then she would ask me to push a little bit again, and so on until the contraction stopped. I had no idea of the bonus it would carry - the pushing was never overwhelming, and the sensations weren't either. If they got a bit much, I was blowing like crazy at that point, and therefore in control. I never once had the urge (or air, lol!) to do my usual noisy wailing as the head came down. I can't tell you how relieved I was about that, and proud/pleased too! :) I really really dislike making all that noise and feeling so out of control.

Anyway, yay, pushing went fine, and his head was out in no time. The worst part BY FAR (and it will sound crazy but I promise I am not kidding!) was the cramp in the back of my thighs after the first couple of minutes. UN.BELIEVABLY PAINFUL, lol! I was giving birth with no pain relief, and practically screaming, "Aaaaaargh, my THIGHS!!! Help, help!" during contractions, hahaha! It was very hard cramp though, and in such big muscles, ow ow ow ow. The midwife was trying to massage my hamstrings best she could, bless her! ;) This time I need to be FITTER. Or find a sure way of fully supporting both legs if I want to give birth in that position again! Anyway, so his head came out, and there it sat while I waited for another contraction, and that was about the hardest part of the birth. His torso seemed much bigger to me than his head and the sensation of him sitting in there was actually completely unbearable. I believe I raised my voice somewhat and semi-yelled, "Get him out! GET HIM OUT!!!" lol! It was just sooooo beyond uncomfortable and I needed to be relieved of the sensation IMMEDIATELY, I can't explain it. They soothingly said, "He's coming, don't worry!" I can't remember now if I decided I was waiting no longer and pushed for all I was worth (hello 5th 2nd degree tear. *sigh*), or if a contraction finally arrived and helped me. But anyway, out he came, and OH the instant relief, and the delight seeing my tiny love lifted up over me to my very eagerly outstretched arms. I remember saying, "Oh he's so TINY!!" because he was! And Heather snorting over to the side there, which kind of brought me back to earth with a bump! I said, "Isn't he?!" because he seemed sooooo weeny. Heather is seasoned at seeing newborn babies lifted over their mummies' tummies, and knew he wasn't a little baby! I was pretty much speechless a while later when they weighed him in at 9lbs 9oz, haha! I seriously would have had anxiety about that if I'd have known before the birth! ;) He was born at 1.41pm, about 4.5 hours or so after they think labour started.

Anyway. Heather says she loves my births, and would never want to miss one! I'm so grateful that she's not letting me pay this time. What a blessing she is! :) Today she phoned out of the blue to say her daughter had been wanting to see us again, and could they come over this afternoon. I have been having a bit of a frazzled hormonal NIGHTMARE day with the boys today, and not managing too well with their behaviour and so on. Anyway, they came over just as I was pretty much about to sit in the corner and cry, and I was rattling around in the kitchen trying to clean up the lunch things too fast, etc, and Heather came and put the kettle on and asked how I was feeling. I just told her I felt a bit frazzled. The little ones were everywhere underfoot and making so much noise, and for a rare moment I honestly felt like bursting into tears, and just washed out tired with it all. I know it's hormones though! She suggested I go out somewhere, and they'd watch the boys, but I didn't want to. So she said I should go up to bed and rest! I faffed about not really deciding to do it, so in the end she told me she had made the decision for me and I was to go up to bed NOW, lol! She said she would come and get me if I was needed, or bring Samuel up if he cried. I expected he would cry pretty much as soon as I was out of sight, but he didn't. They kept him really well entertained with peekaboo games and toys and so on.

It felt so odd to be closing the door on the noise downstairs and just lie on my bed. I felt weird inside and tearful, you know that "I don't know who I am!!!" horrid hormonal feeling that comes over you at times? I don't like it, and prefer to be heavily distracted at times like that, but there I was just lying there with no distraction. I lay and rested for maybe 10 minutes, and then saw a prayer that Heather typed out for me and laminated during Benjamin's pregnancy - I put it on the side of my chest of drawers so I can see it from my bed, and have just left it there. So I read it out loud, and that was comforting. And then I prayed that God would be close to me. And after a minute a worship song popped in my head that I haven't sung for years. So I quietly started to sing it, and somewhere around the 3rd line, God absolutely flooded my heart with joy and love and praise, so much that I couldn't contain it! It brought me to tears and physically revitalised me like no rest can. It was AWESOME!! :D I needed to get my Bible after a bit because Psalm 103 came to mind and I wanted to read it. I spent the next 20 minutes praying and worshipping and reading my Bible and then I felt wonderful and like I wanted to go back downstairs.

Heather was reading stories to little ones, and said, "That was quick!" She wanted to know if I had got any sleep, and looked doubtful when I said no, but I told her I prayed and then God showed up, so I'd spent my time with Him! She said, "Fantastic!!" Totally all I needed - thank you Lord! They stayed until dinner time, several hours. It was so so so nice, and I feel so grateful for Heather and her family.

Well, this entry has turned LONG! I'm tired out and Samuel is stirring, so I should go to bed now. I am not sure what stuff I've missed saying.... Oh I am still morning sick, but this past week has been much milder than usual, so I do (finally!) think it's going. It's just queasiness most of the time, and I'm doing and eating everything normally. It's mainly just an annoyance in the background, which I can totally live with! But I'll be happy when it's all completely gone.

I am not really showing much at all, just a little bumpiness. I can't remember if I took a 14 week belly pic!! Suddenly thinking about it, I don't think I did! And I'm due another picture for 16 weeks, so I MUSTN'T forget to do that! I had so many gaps with photos during Samuel's pregnancy and it makes me sad to look back at his belly gallery and see how sparse it is compared with all the others :( So I definitely don't want to do that again. I really don't think I am showing much for 16 weeks, but I will see when I get a photo in the next few days (hopefully!). I am getting some heartburn now, and especially this weird and reeeeally horrible sort of reflux when I eat something cold like ice-cream, or a lot of ice cold water in one go. It's a cold PRESSURE low down in my throat, that doesn't go away, and it makes me feel like I'm being sick in the end, but that the action is "on pause" - yuck! I am being careful not to eat or drink too much cold stuff in one go. I grabbed a Rennie quickly when it happened the first time after ice-cream, and it helped a lot.

I can't think what else, and I need to go to bed! I will be back soon with a belly pic and that letter to my grandparents. And whatever news there is from the consultant appointment. Thank you for following along with me! I'm having a lovely time being pregnant again! :)

13 weeks, 6 days - ultrasound obsessing... ;)

2011-11-22T22:45:00.003Z

Has it really been over a week since I updated last?! Oh dear!

Well, I should be in bed right now, though it's still "early" for me yet. Last week I was just so tired and hormonal, I took myself to bed three nights running at 9.30 or 10pm. I wanted to get a grip on things, as the days are just nauseated and basically full of SLUMP, getting nothing achieved except snapping at my children way too much. So I decided to go to bed early, set my alarm to get me up earlier than the boys (5.30am, ouch!) - something I've wanted to do for a LONG time now, but it's against my very nature, being a night owl and all! I really feel like this is about the only way I'm going to ever get a grip on my days, to be up BEFORE they start, you know? I need time to focus on God FIRST, before anyone else, and before anything else happens in the day. Then I start it on the right foot. And I get a head-start on the day physically and mentally. AND I get to finally bless my husband back - he's a total morning person and gets up with the boys at crazy o'clock every. single. morning, including weekends and holidays. I know. He is amaaaazing! :) I have too much of a tendency to be lazy and it's time I denied my flesh it's craving and got TO IT with the task I've been called to. *sigh* Anyway, that was my goal.

So I set my alarm and went to bed at 9.30pm the first night. Sleep finally occurred somewhere shortly before ONE AM. Ugh. Abandoned the alarm clock once it got later than 11pm (it would be bad baaaad news for the whole household if I went trying to get up at 5.30 when I just had not had nearly enough sleep. Baaaaad.) and tried again the following night (9.45pm). Sleep occurred a while after midnight. Boo! So frustrating lying there awake and getting nothing out of it! But I guess I was resting, although I could have been doing similar downstairs on the sofa as I usually do! Oh well. I tried again the following night at 10pm, and didn't get to sleep until midnight or just after. Midnight to 1am is the usual time for me to go to bed/sleep, so maybe it's just ingrained and I need to give it a while to adjust to the new bedtime? Or maybe not make a huge jump of several hours all at once? I don't know. I ended up not doing the early night thing again since then (4 nights now) because I was fed up lying awake all those "wasted" hours with so much to get done. My brain isn't particularly whirring in bed, I just lie there tired but not asleep!

One thing I did notice, which may be a big coincidence, since it's never made a difference in the past, was that my morning sickness was waaaaaaaaay better the days I was having early nights, even though I wasn't sleeping till late. As in, I thought it was all but gone, eventually! I had no nausea at all one day, just a vague bleurghy feeling by the evening which I couldn't even describe as queasiness. I cooked spaghetti bolognese from scratch that day, such was my optimism, with onions! Not been able to do that in a long while! :) I felt yucky while I was chopping the onions and thought it was a BIG mistake, but then it was fine, and I didn't mind the cooking smell OR eating it for dinner! :) I ate a huge portion and really enjoyed it!

I have since become gradually more nauseated again (so I do wonder about it being a coincidence with the early nights - I have had times in my pregnancies where things have improved for a few days and then come back), and feel REALLY sick today and yesterday. Yesterday we had the frozen portion of the spaghetti bolognese (same batch of sauce) and the smell even when it was frozen was awful to me, onion-wise. I could eat it and enjoy it though, but the plates made me feel horrible to clean up later. Nothing is really helping the nausea much at the moment, back to where it was before really. I am more interested in sweet foods, but they are making my IBS flare up horribly if I eat too much of them, and then I feel doubly nauseated the next day. I think part (maybe even a LARGE part) of my bad nausea lately is actually IBS. My whole abdomen is soooo bloated and yucky. I usually find it nauseating when this happens (not pregnant), and there's even more pressure in there with my womb popping up recently. Maybe that bothers my IBS as things adjust, come to think of it? Suddenly it seems a bit familiar from other pregnancies at about womb-popping-up time....

Anyway, so bleurgh. And zzzz, I'm so tired this week! And so USELESS during the day times. We are not getting school done this week at all, and the house is in a horrible state :( Yesterday I got the boys dressed but I didn't manage the same feat. Today I didn't even get that far - I am still in the pyjamas I put on LAST night after my bath! The boys also stayed in PJs and at bedtime I just put them in fresh ones. I find it so hard to feel good about myself when I am being so very slack, reason or not. They watched too many DVDs today, and otherwise played and read and built a ton of Duplo and jigsaws, and that's it really. I pottered around trying to get something DONE but somehow never actually achieving it (although I did clean out the veg compartment in the fridge and scrubbed it out in the sink! Big achievement lately, lol!), and otherwise got Samuel's naps done, nappies changed, and meals made. And lay on the floor mainly tandem nursing, all the other parts of the day (they see me lying on the floor, they toddle/crawl over and smile at me hopefully, and who am I to resist such charm?! Hehe! Happens every single time I lay down!). So I am going to bed after I post this.

All foods taste somewhat bitter a few minutes after I eat them, especially carbs, and especially bread and crackers and such like. Sweet starchy carbs too. I adore Jelly Babies right now, the taste is sublime, like I have never tasted anything so wonderful in all my life, lol! They mess with my stomach though, unfortunately, and make me feel gassy and yucky the next day (hmmm, do I see a pattern emerging?! ;) ). I am having to avoid toast and sandwiches where possible, though I do still eat them. I just know to expect the inevitable bitter taste and watery mouth afterwards, and thus nausea setting in sooner than it would otherwise after eating something.

I am definitely showing now. Starting to TRY to wear maternity jeans but it isn't really working yet! ;) I have a loose pair of normal jeans in size 14 that I had grown out of when I lost weight before this little one, and they're kind of loose still but my tummy fills them out better than maternity jeans. I also wear one pair of my smaller size jeans that fit me well on legs and bum, but which gape ridiculously at the fly - I can't even do the bottom of it up! I only wear those under a LONG top on a day when I'm sure to be at home all day and not expecting any visitors! ;) I used a hairband to loop through the button hole and around the button on the other side of the fly, and that holds them together a bit to be the right fit across my tummy, without them digging in or falling down. Can't wait until I have a bit more bump so I can fit some clothes properly! I love my new little bumpy bit and, as always, keep finding myself smiling down at it fondly and laying my hand on it :) I'm so excited to be having a BABY!!!

I have (of course, who was I kidding?!) been slightly obsessing over the scan pictures, as apparently I can't help myself, lol! I have to say, I felt no need to at all for the first 5 days after the scan, and then started to wonder about juuuust looking about at other baby nubs out there on people's scan pictures, and of course it became rather addictive! I thought there was no nub visible whatsoever on my scan pictures of Sausage, but after obsessing for a couple of days I now think I DO see a nub on two of the three, just verrrry possibly. Even when I point out what I'm seeing, nobody sees it (so I'm probably being craaaazy), but I've red-ringed the thing I'm seeing in two of Sausage's scan pics. I am seeing a line that is forked at the end, which I have seen a lot on nub shots, so I'm thinking that could be the nub. Hard to tell, but I still think it might be:

And the other one:

I think it's flatter and lower than I remember it being in the scan, although not completely flat. It looks more girly to me here, if it's the nub I'm looking at, although not DEFINITELY girly, since there is still a little angling. I'm sure there was some angling as the baby moved about during the scan though, so I am still going with boy.

While I was reading forums and so on about ultrasound gender prediction, I learned about a theory I hadn't heard before - anyone heard of the Ramzi method, EARLY in pregnancy? Here's what someone described it as, at a forum where somebody asked:

"Basically this MD noticed that if the baby's placenta was on the right side, it was 97% a male. If it was on the left, it was 97.5% a girl. All these ultrasound's were done at 6 weeks. The MD said this theory doesnt hold true if it is done later in the pregnancy as the placenta can move."

I was intrigued, so I checked out my scan pictures that I have for my little ones who had early scans between 6 and 8 weeks. Arthur's placenta was on the RIGHT side of him (he was on the left of it, though it was mainly across the bottom) at 7 weeks (boy). I didn't get a scan pic for Matthew at 8 weeks, unfortunately, and I don't remember what I saw on the screen. Nathey was also on the left and the placenta on the right (boy), at his scan at 8 weeks. Benjamin's 6 week placenta is hard to make out, BUT he's squished right up against the LEFT side with his yolk sac, and the border of the right side of the gestational sac looks placenta-ish to me (boy, again!). Samuel is the only baby I didn't get an early scan with, due to no bleeding.

I did not get a picture of Sausage at the 6 week scan, but I remember the baby was squashed up between the yolk sac and the placenta, clear as day, because we took AGES looking at that image zoomed in and out and from all angles, in case there was a baby behind Sausage! And the placenta was completely on the LEFT side, with Sausage to the right, and the yolk sac to the right of Sausage. That's different to the others, and also girly according to the Ramzi method. I did get a picture of Sausage at the 8 week scan. Placenta is mostly over the top of the baby, but slightly to the left. Sausage looks pretty much smack dab in the middle of the gestational sac, but still slightly to the right of the placenta since it's slightly to the left.

Oh the obsessing, haha! ;)

Anyway, so Ramzi would say I'm having a girl this time, and as far as I can tell, proves accurate for the 4 boys I had early scans with as well. Hmmm...

Must stop obsessing, it's a crazy crazy thing to do! Especially as it doesn't matter a JOT whether it's a boy or a girl, lol! I'm just too impatient for my own good. January will roll around soon enough, especially with all the busy-ness in between with Christmas and birthdays, etc.

Okay I really must go to bed now. I am going to try drinking some milk first because I feel sick and am starting to feel heartburny. Hopefully it's mild enough to fix with a glass of milk!

Thank you for all the lovely comments on my scan update post, and the ones on the belly gallery too! I am already due to take another belly pic for 14 weeks, TOMORROW! :D Hopefully not long before the morning sickness is history, and I'll start blooming soon and feel marvellous, haha!

12 weeks, 5 days - SCAN update! :)

2011-11-14T21:09:00.005Z

Back from my scan, and all is wonderful, hooray! :) It was so lovely to see my sweet little person in there!

Here are the three pictures I got:

The sonographer had a really hard time getting the pictures for us because OH MY GOODNESS I have honestly never carried such a wiggly baby! I love that it's definitely a character trait of this baby, because at only 12 weeks pregnant, this is the THIRD time I've seen (or been told of) excessive wiggling at a scan - even at 6 weeks and 5 days when I didn't even know the embryo (still an EMBRYO!!) had the ability to wiggle, hehe! Sausage has been hard to measure at all three scans (6w5d, 8w1d, and 12w5d - not to mention that kidney scan I had when I saw him/her spread out like a lil starfish, lol!), mainly because of wiggling! ;) I have had me some real wigglers (read: Matthew) in my time, but this baby is more so, I think. So far, anyway!

Sausage was twisting (torso and head), rolling, squirming, and mainly just doing a lot of kicking and generally flinging his/her limbs about all over the place. In these pictures, he/she was relatively still compared with the rest of the scan, but was still kicking and punching about vigorously, and grabbing wildly at his/her feet! You can see two feet in a couple of the pictures, both in odd positions higher up and facing the "camera". In some ways I wish Sausage had been a little less energetic just so that I could get a good clear look at those miraculous little fingers and toes, and so on - I never did get to see those very clearly because they NEVER stopped moving! ;)

It was also hard to see the genital tubercle (nub), although I did see it fairly clearly several times. It kept flashing in and out of view with the wiggling, and it wasn't "straight on" wiggling either, Sausage kept doing some sort of pelvic thrust which effectively flung his/her legs up at the same time, and so the angle of the nub changed dramatically during all of that. It was hard to keep track of it, lol! NONE of the pictures have the nub in them! That's a first for our babies - except with Nathan I think? Or was it Arthur? I can't remember. Anyway, certainly the last two babies I had a very clear view of an obviously angled nub (boy), and it was just as clearly seen on the ultrasound pictures. This time, not so much.

I think the baby is a boy, because once when I saw the nub, it seemed angled quite strongly UP which is a definite boy angle, but then he/she was trying to touch his/her nose with his/her toes for some reason (!!) so the angle would have been compromised a lot by that kind of maneuvre (manouvre? I can't be bothered to spell check, pfthth!). Another time I spotted it, it was pointing much lower but probably still angled somewhat, though it was less than a second and flashing in and out of sight all the time during lots of movement, so I can't be as sure as I was the last two times. We got a good view of the "toilet shot" as they call it, which is not reliable at all at this stage (although we were sure as sure from Arthur's one at 13 weeks that he was DEF a boy). This time I saw three lines and no obvious sticky-outy part, but a) there MUST have been a sticky outy part that I just didn't get the right angle to see because that's what the nub is in both boys and girls at this stage, and b) 3 lines is a girl thing, but not till later.

So I would say it's fairly inconclusive at the moment with a definite leaning towards BOY! :) If so... SIX boys?!?!! :D I did not feel the least bit disappointed, which I am EVER SO glad about, phew! :)

Oh, other things to report - Benjamin stayed at home with Sarah (our friend from church) and the big boys! He was FINE, and I feel so proud of him! :) They build train tracks around the room, had a snack, and started watching Mary Poppins just before we got home - we were only gone just over an hour. So we only had Samuel with us, and he was a perfect angel - I do not boast or kid! ;) He sat in silence without even shifting his position, on Neil's lap leaning against Neil's chest, either with his thumb in his mouth or just watching open-mouthed, bless his sweet tiny heart! :) At the very end, he got so much high-pitched adoring attention from the sonographer that he suddenly leaned towards me with his arms clutching at my arm as I was lying on the bed next to him and Neil, but that was it! He was SOOOOOO good, and I am so proud of my tiny manny! Neil was able to watch and enjoy the whole scan, and listen to the lady. Also it was ever so lovely to be out with my biggest boy, er, MAN (hehe!) and my tiniest. Lovely to walk along not needing a pushchair, just chatting to my hubby while he carried my teeny Samuel in his arms (swoon, by the way - hot man carrying angelic baby, lol!). I'm sure everyone in the waiting area thought this was our complete family unit. The sonographer, when she'd finished the scan, leaned in to talk to him and said, "Are you going to have a little playmate, hey?!" and I said, "Oh he's got a few already - he's our fifth!" hehe! She was more than a little taken-aback ;) And more so at the "all boys" thing - I love that though! :) We got the football team comment again. That is a very familiar one now!

On the way home we were stuck in a bit of traffic for a few minutes, and I said to Neil, "What shall we call him, if he's really a boy?!" because I had no idea really. I had a few names in mind, and my FAVOURITE one, which I absolutely KNEW I would want to use if we ever had a sixth boy, when Samuel was new, was one that Neil had strongly vetoed in previous pregnancies and I could never see him considering it. I still held it in my heart, but have put it to the back burner and considered a few others (Toby, Noah, Josiah, etc) in more recent months. In the car Neil told me a name had come to mind recently but he couldn't remember it. And then suddenly he did - and said, "Elijah" Well, thank goodness I had my seatbelt on because that's the very name he's vetoed and which I longed to name a 6th boy!! :D I couldn't believe it. I kept saying, "Really?! REALLY?!" hehe! He said he just thought of it one day and liked it. I love it because it goes - Arthur, Matthew, Nathan, Benjamin, Samuel and Elijah. And it's a different letter - I think I like the idea of none of the boys sharing a first initial, makes the post easier when they get to be older and get their own letters and packages! I guess I'm the opposite of the Duggars in that respect! ;) I also love love LOVE the meaning: "The LORD is my God" How much more awesome could the meaning of a name possibly get?! :)

The last male person in our families that we have left to honour by using their name for a middle name for one of our boys, is my grandfather. He gave his name to his only son as a middle name, and then apparently seemed a bit upset that my parents didn't pass it on to my brother (who got Robert Edward - my other grandfather who had died, and Edward because my parents just liked it!). There's never been a vibe or anything said about our boys' middle names as far as his name is concerned, but now he has SIX great grandsons (my five and my nephew) with no sign of his name yet! His name is Douglas, which I had thought of potentially using one day but decided against, mainly because it means black river (or dark water at some sources) and I feel strongly about the meanings of names, spiritually. But when paired with Elijah (we talked about this in the car), I like it. "The LORD is my God" trumps "black/dark river/water" any day! ;) The Lord is God over the realms of darkness, and maybe the whole name will stand for that, which I like. I REALLY like the flow, and the way the names go well together - Elijah Douglas, and it sounds fine with our surname tagged on the end. And more than anything else, I LOVE being able to bless my grandfather by using his name (at last!) - I know he will be so moved and touched by it.

So by the time we got home, we were 100% certain on a boy's name for our baby - Elijah Douglas! :) So happy! And I think he IS a boy, so that's his name! I won't refer to it until the next scan when the gender is confirmed, and I'll keep on with Sausage for now - and obviously there's a chance the baby might be a girl still, so I will wait! But I feel so excited to KNOW if it's a boy, he'll be Elijah - can't describe how excited and happy I am to meet him already, knowing his name! :)

I did then tell Neil about the name Rachel for the first time, and he immediately did not want to use that name if we have a girl. He has already chosen a girl's name that he likes (which is actually the same name we had chosen for Matthew if he had been a girl!) - Emma Jane. Jane is my mummy, Emma is a name we have both liked for years, AND my great-grandmother's name - she was my grandfather, Douglas's mother, and died when I was 16. So either way we'd honour Grandoug with names, and we are both happy about that. I am not 100% convinced about Emma Jane for our baby even though I still really like it, but then I have really had Rachel on my heart, so perhaps that's all it is... Either that or it's because the baby is a BOY and I know it in my knower somewhere, lol! ;)

[Edited to add the obvious: NAME A TOTAL SECRET UNTIL BIRTH!!! Thank you! :) ]

My next scan is now booked for January 10th at 2.40pm, so I will find out then! Yay!

I absolutely need to go and eat something now as I'm feeling really sick, bleurgh! WORTH IT though! :) I put the pictures on Sausage's ultrasound gallery which I made yesterday - it seems to have come up as the most recent post even though I made a big long waffly updatey one right afterwards... Anyway, must go! Back soon :)

Ultrasound Gallery for Baby #6!

2011-11-13T21:59:00.004Z

This is the ultrasound gallery for all of the scan pictures I get for my 6th baby, currently known as 'Sausage' (until we know the gender and the name!) :)

Due to a lot of bleeding from 3 weeks pregnant onwards, I had an early scan at 6 weeks and 5 days, where we saw a sweet little blob with a tiny flickering heartbeat. The baby was squished up against the wall of my uterus, and against the yolk sac on the other side, and we could not 100% clearly see whether there was another baby behind the first one! Sometimes it looked like a mirrored heartbeat next to it as well. So I was booked for a second scan 10 days later. I didn't get a picture at the first one, but here's the picture from the second scan:

The picture above is from my second ultrasound, at 8 weeks and 1 day pregnant. This was mainly to confirm whether there was ONE baby, or another one hiding behind Sausage! ;) Also to check on the subchorionic haematoma. Sausage (only one!) was measuring accurately for dates, and was wiggly, apparently! He/she was standing on his/her head in this photo, with the yolk sac behind the little bottom. Such a sweet little person! :)

Sausage's ultrasound pictures from the scan at 12 weeks and 5 days - measuring spot on for dates (well, a day behind but hardly worth mentioning!). SUCH a wiggly baby that I had a hard time really getting a good look at the genital tubercle. What I did see of it seemed kind of angled to me (sometimes really quite an angle) but he/she was flinging his/her pelvis around, lol! So it was hard to say. Probably a boy though! ;) Sweet little baby! In all the pictures (which the sonographer found hard to take as the little one wouldn't keep still enough!), Sausage was playing with his/her feet and kicking and punching about!

12 weeks, 4 days - scan tomorrow!! :D

2011-11-13T21:42:00.003Z

Another week since I updated last, tsk tsk! It wasn't intentional, but never mind.

So I am in my second trimester, yaaaaaay! I love having the first trimester behind me! :) My baby is out of the most risky zone, which is always a relief to know! And my scan is TOMORROOOOOWWW!!! I'm so excited! We found someone to watch the boys - the same friend from church (Sarah) who watched them for the last couple of pregnancies when we had scans. Before that we used to ask my grandparents, when there were fewer children to watch, and they were less frail than they are now. We haven't told them yet (still procrastinating and not sure what to do about it!). Anyway, so happy that Sarah could come round tomorrow and stay with the boys (definitely Arthur, Matthew, and Nathan, and I would LOVE Benjamin to happily stay too, but I doubt he will), while we go to the hospital for the scan. We'll be taking Samuel, of course, and likely Benjamin, though I'm feeling slightly exasperated about that already because he is not keen on dark rooms and whines to go out straight away, and well, the lighting is very low in the u/s rooms - pretty much just the screen are light and that's it. I think he'll whine and fuss and Neil will have to take the little ones out, and then it'll just be me. I don't mind being on my own to see my baby, but I wish Neil could see the baby too without having to wrangle little ones! He doesn't mind a bit though. I hope they're fine, otherwise the staff get fidgetty and ask him to take them out (we're not really supposed to take noisy children there at all apparently, but there's nothing else for it!).

Arthur's birthday was on Wednesday - I have a 7 year old! Can you believe it?! Going back in my pregnancy blog (which you'd have to do by going to my original pregnancy blog at Diaryland, before Samuel's pregnancy, and probably the end of Benjamin's), I started writing about pregnancy and growing our family in 2003, when we were planning to start trying to conceive our first baby! And now our first baby is SEVEN - wowsers! And we're expecting our sixth :) Wonderful!

I am now going to eat birthday cake, as I'm feeling sick and need to fix it. Back in a minute! ;)

Back, and a bit better.

I just uploaded my 11 week belly picture to Sausage's belly gallery - definitely bigger than 6 weeks, lol! I am showing MUCH more this week, at 12 weeks, than even last week. I know I was showing at 11 weeks, but this week it seems my womb has "popped" up and I'm alllmost able to wear maternity clothes, just not quite! It's that frustrating in between stage where I'm uncomfy in normal clothes (and nothing fits me properly!) and my jeans are not hanging onto my hips too well, as my waist has disappeared completely, lol! But maternity bottoms are really baggy on my tummy still, whether they're the "panel" style or not. Tsk! I did find a pair today that almost did the trick, but they were just a little bit too loose to wear still. Soon though! :) I'm excited, and I have sooooo many more clothes to wear in my maternity wardrobe than my non-maternity, which is fun - it's as if I spend more time pregnant than not, by the clothing situation! ;) (which I currently DO, as of February 2004! :D )

I also made an Ultrasound Gallery for Sausage, which I'll post right before this one in a minute. Then it's there ready to add Sausage's pictures from tomorrow! :) I can't WAIT to see Sausage!!!! I hope everything is going okay in there. I did get a teeensy glimpse of my tiny one on Thursday, because I had a kidney scan again to check on the little bit of extra fluid still sitting in the kidney on my right side, where I had a kidney stone block the way in the summer and looooads of fluid backed up in my kidney. I had one of those silent consultants this time! He didn't say a word to me the whole time (except "breathe in...(wait 98 minutes)... aaand out... (pause of 2 seconds)... breathe in... (hold for 134 minutes)... and out again." I was soooo out of breath after a very short while of this!), nor indicate what he was seeing - which I found frustrating! I really want to KNOW what's going on with my kidney and not have to wait until JANUARY 26TH when my follow-up appointment with the urologist finally comes around on the waiting list!!! :/ He asked at one point if I'd ever passed a kidney stone, like he had reason to wonder (he didn't know my history as he was a locum), and I said yes. He asked when, and I said, in July. He paused and then said, "A small one?" I said no, not particularly. And that's all he said. Which leaves me wondering WHY he asked?! :S Anyway, I might ask my GP in a couple of weeks, as she should have some sort of report by then.

Anyway. He scanned my right kidney for a while, and then my left one, and then he had me lie on my back and started to scan my bladder. As he went to do so, I said, "Oh, there's a baby down there!" because he didn't seem to know - thought I'd give him the heads up, haha! I also tried my best to squirm my head around to see the screen, but it was turned to the consultant - I could just about see a sliver of the screen, and I was aware of seeing a baby and some movement briefly, but just as a grainy blurry movement, not actually being able to see body parts. Anyway the slight glimpse of an alive baby was precious all the same! :) Dr. Silent said nothing at all! At the end he stopped the scan and said he was finished with me and I could go. I sat up and turned to get off the bed, and then I saw the screen with the last image frozen on it. It was a tiny little person in a starfish pose, hehe! Looking from behind the baby's back, all the limbs were stretched out like a dear little starfish, with the head at the top, aaaahhhh so precious! :) What a busy wiggly little person he/she must be (as already demonstrated at the last two scans!)! He turned and saw me sitting there smiling at the screen, and said unfeelingly, "There's your child. Viable." lol! He was so blunt and non-chatty it was funny - the way he said that! But it was still music to my ears: viable! Yay! That means ALIVE and kicking! :) I can't wait to see more of my sweetie pea tomorrow!

I've been having some Braxton Hicks contractions here and there - I am reminded to write it because one has just started now! :) They do start earlier with subsequent pregnancies. I am now able to verify the feeling I get because I can press my hand into my tummy a few inches below my tummy button and feel that my womb is a little hard ball at those times. I have also started to feel Sausage move and wiggle a little bit here and there, and sometimes a Braxton Hicks will be followed by a wiggle :) I feel like this baby is already showing personality, definitely different from some of my others even now. I love that! I mostly feel Sausage move when I am lying on my side, slightly turned onto my back as I'm feeding Samuel (or Benjamin, once) at bedtime or nap time.

My milk is still there and seems fairly normal in quantity to me, except that Samuel has pretty much doubled his appetite this past week. He seems extra hungry for food at meal times and snack times, and will feed from both sides when I nurse him. He isn't usually disinterested whenever I offer him the breast, even if it isn't really time for him to feed yet. So I wonder if my milk is less plentiful this week? Benjamin is still breastfeeding and seems just as before, though he's 2 and I don't think he's fussed about quantity or anything like that! He likes the taste of milky, but mostly I think it's a comfort thing. He nurses several times a day and at bedtime, on demand usually, though he does demand and I say no, probably two or three times in the day as well. I am tending more towards making sure Samuel has all he needs before offering Benjamin some, now that Samuel seems extra hungry. He may just be having a growth spurt I guess, but I have to consider that it might be the milk supply, given that I'm now 12 weeks pregnant. They both still gulp and swallow heftily for quite some minutes, so it doesn't seem to me like there's a shortage - and they'll do the same a couple of hours later if offered... Anyway, maybe it's starting to slow up a bit. Samuel isn't waking more than usual at night to feed though, so it's not desperate! :)

I've felt really sick this week with the morning sickness. Some parts of the day on one or two days I wondered if it was starting to ease up. But some evenings I have felt like it's the worst it has ever been! So I don't think it's going anywhere just yet! I feel sick as soon as I start eating for the day. Some mornings I really dread having to eat breakfast! Although it will start anyway if I let myself get hungry, so there's not much difference. And NOW after all this time ALL foods are giving me a horrid bitter aftertaste (that's usually something that starts early on but didn't this time) which makes my mouth water, which REALLY aggravates my nausea. I also have much more post-nasal goop when I am nauseated - vicious cycle. I can always tell when my nausea seems to be getting better when I am not having to blow my nose so often! Weird but true, with all my pregnancies. Swallowing goop really makes me feel sick, and yet the goop comes WITH the nausea as part of my morning sickness, for some reason. Anyway I have all the above at the moment. Bleurgh.

I am not particularly expecting my morning sickness to disappear soon, because only Matthew's pregnancy was nausea-free at 12 weeks. Arthur was 16 weeks, Nathan was 18 weeks, Benjamin was 14 weeks, and Samuel TWENTY weeks, urgh! So I'm only 12 weeks pregnant and continuing to HOPE that soon it'll go away, but statistically speaking, it might not for another month or two. We'll see! I'm just grateful it's manageable. I am feeling sick but able to eat food fine. I can also enjoy my food so long as I don't let myself get too hungry to start with. I am loving three slices of toast and marmite for breakfast these days, and a yummy meal in the evening is really enjoyable. I am avoiding garlic and anything very oniony (including leeks) and so long as I'm doing that, eating is fine and doesn't make me feel worse for it, usually. It's 2 minutes AFTER finishing eating that I start to feel horrid, because that's when the bitter taste and watering mouth begins. Then I need to nibble when the nausea sets in and keep on nibbling with short breaks until I can escape from it by going to bed and falling asleep for the night! Often I get in bed feeling SO nauseated and hoping I won't be sick, but I feel fairly confident that I just need to fall asleep and then I'll feel better.

I think my nausea has been aggravated this week by my womb popping up. My whole intestines are REALLY annoyed about the shift in location, haha! I am having some IBS and just feeling horrid and bloated with it, and that makes me nauseated when NOT pregnant, so it's not really surprising that I feel yucky with it now. It might even be the only reason that my nausea is worse this week. Neil says it rings a bell from previous pregnancies at the time my womb popped up, like there was an adjustment period and my IBS did not appreciate it for a week or so! ;) I hope it calms down soon.

I'm still feeling very tired, but not too bad if I rest/sleep enough. Neil is always wonderful about letting me lie in, and I feel quite well rested this weekend, despite night wakings and TWO days out - to Hampton Court Palace on Thursday with Neil and the boys, and to the zoo yesterday, both for Arthur's birthday. Hampton Court Palace WORE ME OUT, and I felt really unwell after about an hour or so of walking. I got that sudden "warning" thing where my body yells at me to sit down, and I MUST immediately or else I very quickly progress to nausea, shakes, breathlessness, etc. I had no choice but to keep walking, as Benjamin was trailing behind and the others went on ahead too far for me to signal for help! I got slower than Benjamin in the end, and had no breath to answer him when he chatted to me. Once we got to the others, and I explained, I was able to sit on a bench for a while and eat some chocolate (found some in my pocket). I don't think it's a blood sugar thing with me - I think it's either just plain unfitness (though I'm not convinced about that) or a need for protein - or fluids, with my low blood pressure. Anyway I was really nervous about going to the zoo for more hours, only 2 days later! But it was fine. I did get that feeling after a couple of hours but sat down straight away. Eventually it wasn't really going even when I was sitting, so Neil sat with the boys while I went slooowwwly to a nearby gift shop and bought a Toffee Crisp and a fruit drink. I sat down and had those and felt LOADS better after that. I was fine for the rest of the time, but I did take it more gently from then on.

I really need to start making sure I get plenty of sleep at night, so I will have less and less time to update online as I try to put that in place. The boys often aren't asleep until 8 or 8.30 - well, the last boy anyway! We stay with them until they're asleep, all but Arthur and Matthew. And Matthew is one of the first to fall asleep usually, anyway. By then, it's 8 - 8.30pm. I know I'm not going to fit much in online if I'm trying to get to bed by 10pm which I really MUST start doing, pregnant or not. I want to start getting up much earlier in the mornings (before the boys are awake!) to get my priorities straight and pray and be ready for the day. Never tried such a feat before, and rather nervous that I will fall flat trying, but I really want to start doing it. So I think my online time will have to be squeezed out to a large degree. I am not sure what else can possibly give!

Anyway, I will update tomorrow hopefully, with the scan pics and details - yay! Hope to get a glimpse of that little genital tubercle! :) Lately I have noticed I'm enjoying tomato ketchup on my food more, and marmite on my toast (both salty). AND after my last entry here, I seem to be more interested in protein. Still not craving it as such, but definitely wanting to add cheese to my pasta sauce, or baked beans with breaded fish, when I don't normally. And chicken - enjoying chicken this week! :) So, it's probably a boy after all! ;)

11 weeks, 4 days - catching up!

2011-11-06T23:32:00.005Z

Aaaargh, the days have flown by lately! It's late and I'm really too tired to update my blog but I know I'll blink and reach 12 weeks without updating otherwise, and then STILL not be able to update because Arthur's birthday (Wednesday) is the day I turn 12 weeks (yay, second trimester!!!) and I will be too busy! So here I am! :)

I feel like there's not really much to report this week. Still nauseous, the same as before. It IS manageable though. I am able to eat whatever is on hand. When I'm feeling sick, all food is unthinkable, but I eat it anyway knowing that I'll feel better, and I do. Generally. On a bad day (not often) nothing makes me feel better once I'm really feeling grim, but it's still manageable. My morning sickness is a lot worse when I am really bloated and IBS-y. A LOT worse. Then my nausea doesn't feel so manageable, but then I am often nauseous to an unmanageable level with my IBS when NOT pregnant, so that reassures me! ;)

Sometimes I feel lightheaded or breathless, and I presume that's my low blood pressure or something. I am really not drinking enough fluids - they are still the hardest thing to manage, though it continues to be easier this pregnancy than any of the others.

Today we made the Christmas cakes and allll the boys helped, and it completely exhausted me! I mean, I was shaking and breathless by the time we finished, lol! I didn't really recover with lying down, so since it was around lunchtime, I ate 2 boiled eggs and half a tin of baked beans on toast with a glass of milk. I figured protein would be the way to go, and it did make me feel a lot better for an hour or so. It's been a very physically tired-out day today. I think the little one is really growing lately. One day this past week, I was SO hungry! I didn't get to eat breakfast until 8.45am and then I HAD to eat two slices of toast and marmite and a cup of tea at 10.30 (scrunchingly hungry!), and then I ate a big lunch at 1.30! I couldn't believe I'd eaten 3 meals in less than 5 hours, lol! I think I ate 3 more meals before bedtime, but two of them were smaller - bigger than snacks though. I'm sure Sausage has been having a growth spurt! :)

The boys ask me most days how big Sausage is now (especially Nathey, and sometimes Matthew), and I am actually not sure - I haven't looked it up for a week or two! I will probably be surprised at how big he/she is getting in there!

I am finally starting to show this week, and I missed taking a photo at 10 weeks, but Neil took one for me for 11 weeks a couple of days ago. I was surprised how much I am showing, because I don't FEEL like I do just yet. I do think most of it is bloat though, although Sausage is definitely part of it, because he/she is now filling my pelvis, so what used to reside there is now filling out my waist line! ;) I will put the photo on the belly gallery (have I made one??!) tomorrow hopefully - it's still on the camera and I am too tired to get that done tonight.

We went out as a family to a fireworks display for Bonfire Night last night, and just as the fireworks were starting, I was trying to take a photo of the boys watching them. I was slouching slightly to get the right angle, but still I was wearing my thick winter coat, done up! And Arthur stopped gasping at the fireworks and suddenly yelled, "MUMMY! YOUR TUMMY'S GETTING BIG!!!!" with such excitement, lol! So sweet, my boys! They're all so thrilled about the new baby! :)

What else? Still haven't told my grandparents... had a discussion with my parents where they sweetly offered to tell them for us, and that is seriously tempting. But I am not sure. I must tell them in plenty of time for Christmas, because for the first time in YEEEARS my family is getting together at Christmas (my baby brother is hosting Christmas at his house - how can he possibly be this grown-up?!?! Never mind that he's in his 30s, haha!) and it will be a really special day. I don't want them to be all grouchy about the pregnancy on that day. I would LOVE to not tell them until next year, lol! But I'll be 18 and a half weeks on Christmas Day, and definitely not able to hide my pregnancy, going by my previous belly pictures at that stage! ;) I don't want to tell them on the day in case they aren't nice about it. Ugh. So I need to tell them much earlier so that they have time to "get over it" and be happy - which they WILL get around to. It takes them some weeks though. Which means I am running out of time! I just do not fancy telling them yet. I am going to wait until after my scan.

Talking of the scan, it's only a week TOMORROW!!! 8 days to go, yay! I can't wait to see my little one all baby-looking on the screen! :) I know I will get a glimpse of whether Sausage is a he or a she too, and I'm excited about that! We still don't have anyone to watch the boys, but I am really hoping we'll find someone. Neil said this evening that he'll just stay home with them for the scans. Whaaaaat?!?! I was really sad that he said that so easily. I don't know. It means a lot to me that he's there for special things like scans, and these days I have to go to my early "is the baby alive or not?" scans by myself, which I do NOT prefer to do, but which we really have no choice over. The main thing is how, what's the word?... urgh, my pregnant brain can't think of a thing! It's the opposite to a thesaurus, lol! BLANK. Give me another word for 'fun'! Brain: "Uhhhhh..." Okay, how about another word for 'sad'? C'mon, what's the word I'm looking for?! Brain: "Uhhhhh..." Seriously. That is my brain these days. It's not flattering, folks.

Anyway! It's more that Neil doesn't seem to mind one bit having not-too-much to do with the things about my pregnancies that I find exciting or "essential". It's not a reflection on how much he loves the babies, or wants them. Just how he is with all of them really, when I'm pregnant. Not too connected. I know that's normal, and also I know already that it's just how Neil IS. It's okay. But sometimes I feel it, like when I'm excited about US getting to see our baby together for the first time, and maybe even a glimpse of boy or girl baby, and the possibility of being told there is something wrong... and he casually suggests that he stays home to watch the boys instead. He's thinking of them, which I LOVE, and feel selfish for thinking this way, but I do wish at special times he would think more of me than the boys. Probably wrong! But anyway, just my feelings for the moment. They'll change, I'm sure! :) I did tell him most of what I just wrote, that the two big scans are special and I really REALLY want him to be there - what if something is wrong? I do not want to be on my own, and just show him a picture when I get home, that seems so sad to me! :( He said okay, and we'll look some more for somebody to watch the boys. He's a sweet hubby and such a lovely daddy. :)

My milk seems to be okay still... I think in other pregnancies it has really started to dry up from about 14 weeks, quite quickly. Last time it lasted longer, and there was even some actual "gulpy" milk there when Samuel was born!! I was so surprised! All the other times it had been all gone by 20 weeks and only the new colostrum was there afterwards. I did pray last pregnancy that my milk would continue long enough to sustain my current baby (Benjamin) until he turned one, without the need to supplement with formula. The age gap was slightly smaller than previous times, and I knew I would have to get to about 18 weeks before he turned one, with enough milk for him to be having full feeds as needed alongside solid food. Amazingly, God provided, and my milk was plentiful enough until he turned one, and then dried up a lot, RIGHT after. He went onto cows milk on his first birthday. The age gap is the same with Samuel and the new baby, so I will be 18 weeks pregnant when he turns one. I hope my milk lasts! So far so good :) I think I am noticing subtle changes, like just now I went to feed Samuel when he woke (he is nursing on demand, day and night still) and felt my milk let down with quite a sting, and realised that's the first time I've felt a stinging let-down in a few weeks maybe. So I think the quantity isn't what it was, or something. Benjamin still nurses APLENTY, on demand pretty much, during the day. I will nurse him during the evening if he wakes from a bad dream or really wants me and can't settle down (Neil usually goes to him in the evening if he wakes), but never at night now (he's 2 and a quarter, so that's probably okay, lol!). I often have times during the day when I need to lie down on the living room floor, and Benjamin takes this as a cue to curl into my side and breastfeed :) Samuel sometimes joins in, but not always. Benjamin is far more eager to nurse than Samuel - very much like Arthur was, and Matthew less enthusiastic just like Samuel. Anyway, when they are tandem nursing, they always both gulp and gulp, so I know there is plenty of milk. A couple of hours later (or less) when it's time to do it again, or put Samuel down for a nap, gulping still occurs, so hopefully I'm making plenty, for now. There are 7 more weeks until Samuel can have cows milk, and I'm kind of aware of it! Nervous that I'll have enough for him to make it there, and hopeful now, with only a few weeks to go!

What else? Some foods are tasting bitter to me - white bread, cheese, and crackers, and sometimes crisps. I don't really like starchy carbs this pregnancy. They're okay, and will still do the job to relieve nausea a little if I need to eat something, but they give me a bit of a rubbish aftertaste. Wholemeal bread doesn't have the same aftertaste, so I eat that instead. I usually eat that anyway.

I am really not needing protein like I have done in my other pregnancies, and I'm interested in this fact because at MOMYS I found a post written by a friend who was in our due date group for July '09 when I was pregnant with Benjamin. We both had 3 boys and were expecting our fourth boys together. After I had Samuel she became pregnant again, and I found a post from her that was about gender and food. She had NEEDED lots of protein in her first 4 pregnancies and didn't seem to need it so much this time around, and wondered if she could make anything of that. Lots of people replied saying they were sure she would have a girl, because that's how they found it when they finally got pregnant with a girl - you have to understand that these ladies have had 4 or 5 or SIX boys in a row and then a girl, so they know what they're talking about, lol! ;) Last I read, she had an ultrasound right near the end of her pregnancy which said 'boy'. I checked up on her recently and she was VERY surprised at her home birth to have a baby girl! :) So happy for her! And now very very intrigued about the protein....

I know I craved, or maybe just NEEDED, eggs, during my other pregnancies at some point. I can't remember if it was this early, or later. But I loved my eggs and meat. And I coped with morning sickness with a lot of bland white carbs, and CHEESE - lots of cottage cheese, cheddar cheese, etc. I remember someone commenting on my diary when I was pregnant with Arthur or Matthew, saying I was soooo having a boy because I wanted eggs every day, and she had had 4 boys and could relate to WANTING protein like that. This pregnancy I really haven't wanted protein much. I eat it, and enjoy it, but don't feel like I really need it. I even set out this pregnancy, for the first time, to tackle morning sickness with protein. But I haven't stuck with it, and I don't know if it really made any difference for me when I was doing it, over non-protein foods that is. I ate egg today and it was yummy, but I haven't been eating eggs at all really, just because I haven't wanted to. I am eating cheese, and it's okay. I have not eaten cottage cheese more than once this entire pregnancy! I bought some, because it was the thing to do, since I was pregnant and all, haha! It was nice. It did not call my name though, and actually I let a pot of cottage cheese go past its date in the fridge by mistake, because I really didn't want or need it. I am not eating much meat really this trimester, but only because making it is nauseating because it usually involves onions (which are my only BIG enemy, along with garlic, this pregnancy). This week I have wanted to have something "chicken", which is the first inkling of wanting anything protein-y. This evening we had a chicken stir fry, and it was nice, but not "gghhaaaaaagggghah" Homer Simpson style "nice", if you know what I mean! My body didn't go, "Ahhhhh, thank you SO much for this amazing foooood!" It was just nice, and I would eat it again soon if I had some more. So that is unusual for me I think. Normally I am all about my meat and eggs and cheese. I have weird cravings for fast food burgers or hotdogs (NEVER eat those or even like them, any other time!). None at all this time.

So after the post I read, I wonder... Could I really be having a girl?! I will not let my brain even think about that until the scan, because I know I will get a good idea one way or the other, and it's only 8 days away. I'm not thinking further about names until then either, for the same reason.

Aaaargh, it's so late!!! I must go to bed! Will write more another time. Only 3 days until my first trimester is behind me and I'm into the excitement of the 2nd trimester! Yaaay! :D

[ETA: Oh my goodness, Sausage is now FIVE cms from head to bottom!!!!! I didn't think he/she was so big already! The palm of my hand would be a perfect cradle for that tiny sweetheart right now :) I have not felt the baby move yet. Once or twice I wondered, and went still as a mouse, but nothing. What I might have felt was not convincing enough for me to be sure it wasn't my not-too-happy-with-life bowel or something, hehe! So, nothing yet. But soon!! :D ]

10 weeks pregnant! Midwife appointment! :)

2011-10-26T23:25:00.003+01:00

So exhausted tonight. Will TRY to be brief, but there's so much I want to write!

I am 10 weeks pregnant today, yaaaaaaaaaay! I feel great being in double figures! It's always so wonderful to have the single digits behind me. Also, I am now exactly a quarter of the way through my pregnancy! My little Sausage is no longer an embryo as of today, but a fetus! His/her little tail stump has disappeared, and all the organs are finished and in place, with a little fine tuning left to be done. He/she looks like a real baby now, upright head and everything! It's SO exciting!!! The taste buds are forming, and the intestines are migrating into the torso from where they have formed in the umbilical cord (I love that amazing little bit of trivia!). Sausage measures 2.3cm long from head to bottom, and is making all sorts of spontaneous movement now, and has brain waves and everything! :)

It hit me the other day that sometime probably SOON I might even start to feel Sausage moving about in there! For some crazy reason that particular thing had totally escaped my thinking when I was looking ahead with glee to things around the corner like hearing the heartbeat on the doppler, starting to show, etc. I forgot that I have felt several of my babies move BY 10 weeks, for the first time! The other night, and also at 9w3d, which I brushed off as WAY too early, I wondered if I felt something, but it was sort of a dull "thud" type feeling, and just one, not a series of sensations. So I think probably not. Otherwise nothing felt just yet! Can't WAIT to feel my sweet tiny wiggling! :D

Today also happened to be my first midwife appointment! The letter said to allow 90 MINUTES for the booking appointment! Yikes! When I got there, I saw a midwife called Claire who is new to the team, so I hadn't met her before. She's really nice. I was amazed at how much has changed AGAIN, in the 10 months since I was last pregnant and seeing midwives - this happened in the short gap last time as well! This time the notes are all different. They used to be green notes that I kept after the 20 week scan, and which were held for me in the antenatal clinic until then. Now they're a huge WHITE folder of notes that are all filled in at the booking appointment (MUCH more thorough as well, hence the time I guess!) and I get to take them home with me right away! I like that.

I had blood taken, explained the various things I'm weird about, for the zillionth time (Yes, I'm rhesus negative. No, I will not be having Anti-D. Yes, I'm GBS+. Still planning a homebirth so far. etc.) and my urine sample was all clear. My blood pressure was 85/55!!!!!! Not sure how I was still standing up! My blood pressure is always low, especially when pregnant, but I've never had a blood pressure reading that low before. She took it three times to be sure, and then told me I need to drink 2 litres of fluids a day. I struggle with getting fluids in so much when morning sickness is going on, and I DO try - AND this time I know I need to anyway to prevent further kidney stones. But I still don't get 2 litres a day at the moment. Some days I get a litre or so maybe. Which is a LOT better than any day in the first trimesters of my other pregnancies! I am more able to drink fluids this time than any of the others, but still it's difficult. Ribena goes down better than water, but it's starting to seem icky and sweet to me now and I don't want it! I will NOT drink any fruit squash that does not just have sugar for a sweetener. Aspartame, sucralose, etc, etc, which are annoyingly in ALL other squashes that I've come across, are practically toxic substances that I am not putting in my body for my own health, let alone the body of a developing baby! I feel really strongly about artificial sweeteners. So that leaves me with just Ribena! :S There are some organic squashes out there, but the ones I've tried over the years are VILE. Seriously! Blech.

Anyway, so that's not ideal, a blood pressure that low. I did feel light-headed during my midwife appointment, and have done quiet a bit so far this pregnancy, but I just put it down to normal pregnancy stuff and ignore it as best I can. I didn't think of blood pressure... I also get very faint and totally breathless just lifting my arms above my head to adjust the kitchen blind, or standing up and starting off walking quickly at any time. I put that down to just feeling exhausted. Probably blood pressure though, isn't it? I will try really hard to up my fluids!
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Neil worked from home this morning so I could go to the appointment without the boys, partly because the length of such an appointment would be waaaay inappropriate for five little ones to sit through, and also 4 of them are not well right now. Arthur and Matthew caught a cough from the doctor's waiting room when we went for vaccinations last week. Really yucky and chesty, but otherwise fine. Then after a few days of that, the COLD hit them. So it must have been the start of a nasty cold. Benjamin and Samuel started coughing two days ago, and are both really sad and poorly now - my poor little babies! Nathan is still standing, exactly as he was last time we had a cold that started with a nasty cough! He succumbed in the end last time, and ended up coughing for weeks. I suspect he will probably start coughing tomorrow. I feel a bit chesty and congested, and am praying that I'm just having a mild version, and not just starting to come down with something that will hit me like a ton weight in a day or two! :S Neil hasn't had any symptoms and REALLY does not need a cold, as he has been having to work so hard lately - late nights most of last week and yesterday night too. Anyway, so school has been a bit on hold this week while everyone convalesces (sp?!) and Neil put Mary Poppins on for them (they LOVE this movie!) and worked on his laptop while I was at my appointment and Samuel napped.

I eventually phoned the hospital to see when my scan appointment would be. They said they had sent out the appointment the day before, but the lady was so nice and found my information for me anyway while I was on the phone. She told me my scan is on November 10th. This is the day after Arthur's 7th birthday, and also the day I have already double-booked myself with a kidney scan and physio appointments for Arthur and Samuel's feet! Oops! So I asked to change that appointment. I will be 12 weeks and 1 day on the 10th, so actually I was secretly kind of happy to change it, because the later on I can have a scan in the 12th week, the more accurate the "angle of the dangle" theory will be, haha! At first she offered me a scan in my 11th week! Which I - ahem - "couldn't do" ;) I'm not at ALL obsessed, you understand! Just preferring an accurate assessment of Sausage's dangle! Hehe! So when she asked me, I said I could do later in my 12th week, and she booked me a scan on Monday 14th - 12 weeks and 5 days! I am SO pleased! :D And I can't wait to go to it now!

The scan is now my next antenatal appointment, followed by the inevitable consultant appointment at 16 weeks, which my midwife is going to book for me and let me know about tomorrow. I have to have that appointment because I am a grand multigravida, or grand multip (birthed 5 or more babies) which = increased risk of haemmorhage, but which in reality does not equal anything of the sort. It is NOT backed up by research, or real life experience of midwives of Amish women, for example, who routinely have many more than 6 children. NOT BACKED UP. My doula (who is fabulous) is really incensed about this particular mis-information and has done a lot of research on my behalf. I love her! :) But I have to see the consultant. Also for the Group B Strep thing.

So far I am presuming to do exactly what I have done the last two times - weigh the risks, and have a home birth, if all goes well and there are no other complications to consider. That would definitely be my plan. I do not like giving birth in hospitals. I mean, it's okay, but home is unbelievably wonderful! :)

I have a lot more to say, but I'm too tired! My eyes are feeling like sandpaper and I will have to go to bed! I will try to update again this week so that I can continue to waffle my thoughts out before they're old news and I forget them. Also I am due a belly pic this week!! Exciting! Nothing to show, particularly, I think. But I definitely feel a fullness at my bikini line that was not there before, so something is going to be changing soon! :)

8 weeks, 5 days - heart beat!! :D

2011-10-17T23:51:00.003+01:00

Another update, just to say that I got my doppler out tonight! It's only a day or so earlier than two of my babies, and LATER than first hearing the heartbeat for my others, so I figured it was time to give it a try! :)

I searched for AAAAGES. Neil was sitting nearby waiting patiently! He hasn't been to the scans and has basically had no connection with the baby yet, so it was lovely to have him there, sans kiddies, to hear! I literally searched everywhere for like 10 minutes, and decided to give up, and then just before stopping I thought I would just try higher than I expected it would be possible for my womb to be, as I had a faint memory of that working once before. I went three inches above my pubic bone, and almost immediately, there was my little Sausage! :) SUCH a fast heartbeat - I counted 185 beats in a minute! It was a touch slower at first, but then to my surprise (I'm always surprised by this so early on!) he/she got really wiggly and started moving about, making it hard for me to keep track with the doppler sometimes. I tell you, this is one ACTIVE baby - that's the third bit of evidence now already, and I'm only 8 weeks and 5 days pregnant, lol! After starting to move about, the heart rate seemed faster, and that's when I counted it.

Oh it was just BLISS to hear that sweet precious sound!! And I was so glad to have Neil there to hear it too. He smiled and just shook his head and said, "Amazing!" We have had 5 other babies in the past nearly-7 years, and it. NEVER. gets. old. Never, people. It's an awesome miracle every single time, and the novelty does not wear off. So wonderful! :)

So after that Neil went to bed, and I stayed up a bit longer to take a little video clip and post it online! :) Here is my sweet precious 6th baby's heart beating:

Make a video - it's fun, easy and free!
www.onetruemedia.com

How I love that little baby already! So very very much!

Thank you for the comments on yesterday's entry (already!) - interesting to hear that someone out there has had 5 boys followed by a girl! I guess anything is possible! :) I do know a lady online who had 5 boys followed by 3 girls, but I think she "swayed" for the girls, which I am not willing to do - God knows best for us! :) I know another family with 8 lovely sons. I'm so glad to know so many big wonderful families online! It gives me better perspective on so many aspects of life, and our family is actually pretty small in comparison, despite everyone's goggling eyes falling out in the street when we leave our house! ;)

Today my morning sickness is quite a bit better! And my energy is a lot better too. I don't know if it was just pulling myself together for Monday and school, etc, but I don't really think that's it. It just seems to have reverted a bit to its former not-as-bad-as-the-other-pregnancies level. I still feel nauseated most of the day (even mornings now, boo!) but it's not overwhelming me today like it has done for the last four or five days. A lady on MOMYS in my due date group there was saying how there must be some sort of hormone surge or growth spurt at 8 weeks because she feels DREADFUL - exhausted and worsened morning sickness. That's exactly how I've felt, but today has been better. I wonder if it's a true theory, and what exactly causes it?

I even managed to cook dinner (pot roast in the crock pot, so fairly easy)!!! I used onion and for once decided to wear plastic gloves to prepare it because I knew the faint smell of onion on my hands would have me absolutely green and sick for DAYS otherwise. It worked a treat! :) Absolutely no trace of onion smell! But it slow cooked for 8 hours and I felt pretty yucky every time I got a whiff of onions cooking, so maybe I'll avoid that sort of meal to make when I'm having a bad day! Yummy to eat though! :) And ohhhh the Tesco order came this evening and included Battenberg cake!!!!! Bliss! :)

Neil had to work late tonight (until 10pm in the end) and so I had to do the day as usual from 7.30am without Neil until well after the boys' bedtime. And it went fine!!! :) So pleased about that! My energy didn't flag, even at the end of the day, so I definitely thing something or other has lifted today. The boys were all asleep by 8pm which was a real result!

Well, it's late and I'm feeling pretty sick now so I should eat something to fix that and go to bed. I'll update again soon! I can't believe I'm almost 9 weeks pregnant! Yay! Going to phone the hospital tomorrow to find out my scan and midwife appointments, because they STILL haven't sent them in the post and Neil needs to know the date to book time off early enough. I'll be 12 weeks actually ON Arthur's 7th birthday, so the scan could fall on that day I suppose. I have a kidney scan booked for the next day (oh dear, I'm just remembering a physio appt for Arthur and Samuel's feet the same day! Hope I haven't double-booked!) so HOPEFULLY the scan will be booked for a different day. Although, hmmm, that could be tricky for Neil and work - he has already booked Arthur's birthday off work, and needs to cover me for a kidney scan too, as I can't take the kiddies to that and we literally have NO childcare options whatsoever, except for Neil taking time off work :S Oh well, if it's an inconvenient date I will have to change it, but the scan will probably be that week... Anyway, I will update about it when I know! :)

8 weeks, 4 days - gender dream!

2011-10-16T21:35:00.002+01:00

The days are going by fast! Which, right now, I LIKE. I am feeling really sick most of the time, and will be glad to get to the part where I don't any more! But meanwhile I'm bearing it much better than other pregnancies I think, because I guess the hours in the day go faster, so that makes it more manageable, and I just have so much to attend to all the time. It's hard to get myself to do meals when I feel grim, but I try to eat something whenever I feel particularly sick, and try to knock it on the head that way. Sometimes it helps a bit, occasionally it helps a lot, and most often now it doesn't really change much about the nausea. Still, going by 12 weeks for the start of the second trimester (which I steadfastly DO!), I've only got 3 weeks and 3 days left now!! Wow!

I really should get my doppler out, as I am sure I would be able to hear the baby's heart beat by now! :) I just haven't felt the need to, given that I saw the same sweet little heart beating on the screen at the scan just this week! :)

I am tired out of my BRAAAIIIINS this week. I did have some weird sinusy lurgy, and it's still rumbling along but I feel much better in that department than I did. The post-nasal aspect of it is reeeeeally aggravating my morning sickness. All smells are horrible to me at the moment (queasy-making) and some tastes, so I guess food aversions are kicking in maybe? My pasta sauce, which I make from tomatoes, pesto, tomato paste and herbs, etc, does not appeal, though I can eat it. It's one of the only things I feel WORSE for, after eating it. Today I made pizza for my family, which we have every weekend now (all the boys except Matthew LOVE it, and Neil does too). I did not fancy putting mushrooms on my part as I usually do, so I left them off. And then I ate it, and enjoyed eating it, but right afterwards I felt grim in the same way as I do after my pasta sauce. Also, on Friday night I made a simple dinner for the boys and then after they were in bed Neil and I had lasagne (Tesco's own) and I actually could not eat it. I tried! I was so hungry, but uggghhh I couldn't continue to put it in my mouth, I felt so sick. That time though, it was definitely the GARLIC in the lasagne. I don't use garlic at all when I'm pregnant, in my cooking. It has never gone down well in past pregnancies, so I presume it's a safe move to make! ;)

BUT! Things that I can eat that instantly improve my nausea: chocolate, flapjacks, rich tea biscuits - basically anything sweet. When I felt really nauseated on Friday afternoon (that was NOT a good day for morning sickness), even in the midst of that feeling, I felt like I could eat flapjacks. So I made some that evening and I was right, I felt lots better for eating them. I could eat half a piece of flapjack and be WAY better in 30 seconds, at any point in the day where the nausea kicked in. My flapjacks have 4 ingredients: butter, brown sugar, honey, and oats. So I don't know whether it's just the sweet aspect that helps, or the oats?? I don't know!

We were all in the car on the way to Arthur and Matthew's swimming lessons yesterday (Saturday) when SUDDENLY I had to have Battenberg cake!! That was so random, and I've never had that one before. Battenberg cake is very sweet... I'm fairly sure I was not a fan of sweet things at all in my first trimesters before now, but I might be wrong... I'll have to check. Of course everyone is saying, "GIRL!!!" haha! Maybe...

I weirdly have a girl hunch, though for absolutely NO reason whatsoever, and I do NOT trust it, lol! I have had girl hunches before and been utterly wrong! ;)

One thing that I think is new for me though - I had a very vivid dream early Saturday morning. We had an ultrasound machine at home (!!!) and I had it all set up and positioned right, ready to use. I was just sorting something out and Neil kept on moving the doppler thingy on my tummy, and I was getting so cross with him because I kept telling him to WAIT and he wouldn't, haha! I wanted to find the "bits" to find out the baby's gender myself. He let go but at that very second the screen showed the gender shot clear as day, and (obviously it was a dream!) I have never seen such a clear girl shot in all my life. There was no denying it! She was still a girl at other times we used our ultrasound machine as the pregnancy went on, and she would do cute impossible things like smile and pose for us, looking right at us, hahaha! ;) Gotta love pregnant dreams! I just fell in love with her completely, and could not WAIT for her to be born. At first it was such a breathtaking shock that she was actually a GIRL, but by the end it was just totally normal. She did not have a name, in the dream. I woke from it before she was born, and immediately thought, "Hmmm!" I think all the dreams I've ever had of ultrasounds during my pregnancies before have been accurate for gender. When I told Neil that I'd had a girl dream, he said, "Another one?!" And I remembered I'd already had one riiiight at the beginning of my pregnancy - I forget the details though. No boy dreams yet. I know dreams don't necessarily mean a THING, but it still makes me think, "Hmmm..." all the same! I feel absolutely DAFT saying that maybe I have a girl hunch, because it's rather hugely UNlikely that it'll be a girl, statistically speaking, and anyway I will feel silly in 3.5 weeks when I have another scan and see an angled "dangle" and know it's a boy, haha! ;)

I will just have to wait and see. The nausea is now exactly like the previous pregnancies really, so apart from its late start getting this bad, it's nothing different.

Neil asked me to tell him my ideas for names, so that he could veto them! ;) I told him I am waiting for God to let him know the name that I think He has told me, and then I'll know! ;) He said it doesn't work that way, and he wants a LIST! :) I love making lists of names, but for once I don't feel like doing it. I haven't even looked at girls' names for the last two pregnancies, so it has been 4 years since I last considered girl names for my babies. I am currently in a position where I will be overwhelmed with joy and gladness if this baby is a boy, and I do not want to rock that lovely boat by starting to fill my head with girly fancies, because by the time I get to the scan and see the obvious boy direction, I risk having a sense of disappointment if I've done that, which I WON'T feel if I continue without getting wistful about a baby girl. I would love a baby girl. I would love a baby boy. Right now I would love either, equally. I know that since I've never had a girl, if I start thinking of her name and little dresses, and PINK, and OH! doing her hair!!! And words like "little sister", "daughter", etc - I will basically take myself into a pink sparkly place where parting will be such sweet sorrow, and all because I am blessed enough to have a SIXTH sweet son! I do NOT want to feel that way. There's plenty of time for the pink sparkly place and girly planning and such if/once I DO find out that the baby is a girl.

I am trying to declutter the bedroom this weekend, and I have folded and put away 3-6 month baby clothes that Samuel has well and truly grown out of. They're so little and cute, and I spent some time looking at them. Even with a new baby coming, I always have that bittersweet pang putting baby clothes away! I wonder if I will have another boy... those baby clothes have been worn by all 5 of my little boys, and I loved seeing them in the clothes. I put them away every time, hoping and hoping and PRAYING that I'll get to use them again. If I have a girl, they will stay boxed :( Which is sad! I adore baby boys! I could have a dozen more of them! :D So I will be so glad of another darling baby boy. I have a few ideas for his name, and when I think of them (although Neil will probably veto the lot when he hears them, lol!) I feel a pang of sadness in case I don't get to use any more boys' names. So I will be glad either way, and that's a wonderful place to be! I don't want to allow myself to be influenced by starting to think, wonder, and ultimately plan for a girl coming, unless I KNOW it to be the case.

I'm just so very excited and blessed to be having another baby! I still have to keep pinching myself and squealing with glee! :) Not so much while doing things like homeschooling, haha! When the boys go out for a long walk with Neil at the weekends I tend to have my "Wheeeeeeee, I'm PREGNANT again!!!!" squealing moments, hehe! I can't tell you how excited I am, and how wonderful it is to have babies and babies and babies!!! So grateful to God!

8 weeks, 1 day - scan!

2011-10-13T21:28:00.002+01:00

Great news! :) ONE baby, and looking healthy and strong as far as they can tell! :D

They were ready for me when I arrived 10 minutes early - just three staff members sitting around on chairs looking bored, lol! Never seen the waiting room so empty! They showed me right in - I didn't even need to sit down first!

I told the sonographer (since it was a different one) that I was back to determine whether there was one baby or two babies in there. She read the report on my bleeding. I have had a few days with no real spotting to speak of, but just this afternoon started some brown spotting again.

Anyway she was great. She kept the screen turned towards me the whole time. She started the scan and the black gestational sac came into view. For all the world, I was SURE I saw two babies, and at that same moment, she said, "Oh! It DOES look like two babies!" My heart did not skip a beat. I did not freak out or catch my breath. I was totally at peace, and prepared. God had me held fast :) Then as she zoomed in and got a better view, she said, "Oh. Only one after all." I was relieved because the "two" babies I had seen at the start looked like one strange-shaped symmetrical baby, which had me convinced that there were two babies joined together, for the few seconds it lasted. She checked all around and was sure that it was only one normal baby. She said that she had been confused for a moment because the baby was doing a "handstand", hahaha, my 8-week embryo does not have fully formed hands yet, so the fact that it was doing a handstand makes me laugh so much! Last time, my SIX-week embryo was wiggling almost too much for her to take an accurate measurement of length, lol! I feel SURE we're having another sweet little ball of energy like Matthew! ;)

So the baby measured 8w4d, a few days ahead from last time (and my dates) but she put on the report "consistent with dates" and kept my dates of 8w1d. Sausage is 16mm long from head to bottom - so little but growing so fast! The yolk sac looked so small next to the little one this time, and it's just the same size as it was last time, although the baby was only just a bit bigger than the yolk sac last time!

Here's a picture of my tiny precious:

It's not the best picture because I took a photo of it rather than scanning it in, as it was quicker! :) But it's clear enough. Sausage is standing on his/her head, which is by far the biggest part right now, and sort of folded forwards. The yolk sac is the white circle on the right, behind Sausage's little bottom! :) Sausage has arms, and legs like little paddles, and a tail even! But I didn't get to see much detail of those during the scan. I did see the sweet little heart beating.

As for the brown spotting, the sonographer found several patches of "bleeding" in my womb. I asked if any of them would mean I might experience red bleeding again, and she said it was possible. She showed me all of them, and noted that some were dark grey areas on the screen (black is fluid, on an ultrasound - hence the very black gestational sac, as it's full of fluid for my little one to swim in!). She said dark grey was probably old blood and thus I would notice brown bleeding from that. But one of them was more black than grey, and she suspected that might show up as red bleeding. If it sits around in there for 24 hours without me particularly bleeding it out, it will become old blood and won't show up as red bleeding. But she noted that I have more "bleeding" in there than I even did at my last scan, so I can expect to be bleeding and spotting for a while from now. Ugh! I am tired of bleeding this pregnancy! But very very very glad and grateful that my little one is okay! :) You can see two of the patches on the scan picture - one is sort of triangular shaped next to the gestational sac on the right, and the other is way on the left, almost out of shot, going up to the top of the picture.

She said she is not concerned about the patches of bleeding, and that so long as I'm not bleeding like a period, cramping, etc. then I shouldn't worry. They have seen the heartbeat and that is a great sign. I seem to be prone to bleeds for some reason, so that makes me a tiny bit nervous that I'll "randomly" have a bigger bleed at some point, which COULD threaten the pregnancy? I will try not to think about that sort of thing though.

I'm so glad I got a picture of my tiny one! :) After the boys were in bed, I phoned my parents as they were anxious to hear about it. And then I phoned Heather (my doula). She is SO excited, and we had a good long talk about it now that we know what's what with the scan. She said that she is so excited that I'm having all these babies! :) She wishes SHE had not stopped at two but had had six babies as well, and she thinks it's the right thing to do to trust God and just HAVE BABIES! ;) I could not possibly have ended up with a better doula. Seriously. I just love her soooo! :)

She told me that I should expect to have to see a consultant this pregnancy again, for elevated risk (should be in inverted commas), the same as last time. #1: I am now a grand-multigravida (= woman who has birthed 5 or more babies) - I feel like I need a gold star or some special badge to go with that title, haha! ;) Anyway, thus the alleged increased risk of haemmorhage with the 3rd stage of labour, blah blah blah (NOT supported by studies or real life!!). #2: My ever-existing Group B Strep status. But she said I should not stress about those things, because nothing has changed. I had the same factors last pregnancy, and chose to birth at home, and DID, with no problems. And the time before, I was GBS+ but chose to birth at home, with no problems. So two babies born at home to a GBS+ mother with no problems actually goes in my favour, and puts each subsequent baby at LESS risk for GBS infection due to having siblings born without issues, apparently.

I am also now elderly, haha! Having turned 35 since my last baby was born, I am now officially of "advanced maternal age". Heather told me they should not give me any trouble about that whatsoever - it's more once I've turned 40 that they might start waving that flag, and if they DO, she said she will find me a consultant to see who will not bother me about it! :D

Oh it was so sweet when I came home with the scan picture! The boys were so disappointed last time when I did not bring a picture home, and I told them I would be sure to ask for one this time. They jumped up when I came in and asked if I had had my scan, and when I said yes, they asked, "Is there a picture?!!" So I showed them. They were sooooo excited! Obviously I had to explain what was what in the picture. Arthur understood about the head part and so on, but Matthew just stood holding in in silence, as though he did not get it at all. In the end, he sighed contentedly and said, "Our little baby..." in SUCH a fond tone of voice, and then ran off happily to play! HEART that boy! :)

So now I wait until the end of the first trimester (how is it only a few weeks away?!!) which I will be very excited about! My nausea has been pretty bad this week - hopefully (oh hopefully!) it's just being aggravated by this weird "head cold" lurgy I've got, although I'm not streaming with cold and am feeling better, energy-wise, today, which is good. Tonight I am feeling really sick and Neil is boiling me an egg, which - PROTEIN!! Hopefully it will make me feel better. It's not overwhelming but I would still like to feel better than I do, if something can fix that before I go to bed!

I should get my appointments in the post soon, for my first midwife appointment (the booking in one that takes AAAAGES, lol!) and the 12 week scan! I'll update when I do! I am really looking forward to the next scan. Right now (literally as I type this), primitive germ cells are arriving at the zone for Sausage's genitals to be built from! Nothing more to speak of yet, but by that scan there will be a little something to spot, pointing either up or down, lol! ;) I am looking forward to that! And oh, just the WHOLE pregnancy now! Thank you Lord for one healthy baby. I would have loved two babies, even two poorly babies, but I'm so grateful for fewer complications and a healthy start so far. Yay, I'm so thankful to be pregnant! :D

8 weeks - scan tomorrow!

2011-10-12T22:14:00.004+01:00

So happy to have arrived at 8 weeks pregnant today! One-fifth of the way through my pregnancy - going fast already!

Not going to write much tonight, because I feel yucky. I have some sort of weirdo cold thing that I came down with yesterday evening. It's all in my head and sinuses and I feel dizzy and fluey (no fever, so NOT flu) and just ILL today. I haven't managed much of anything with the little ones, just laid on the living room floor ALL morning while they played around me or one or two of them nursed, etc. I have also had worse morning sickness today. I don't think whatever virus this is has nausea as a symptom, just that with everything else my body is dealing with, the morning sickness itself is worse for it. I never get morning sickness in the morning this pregnancy, but I did today. So the afternoon and evening have been pretty grim for nausea, but still only just getting towards the level of "norm" for a usual day with my other pregnancies. Bad day for THIS pregnancy though! ;)

I seriously hope to feel better tomorrow, but I'm not sure I will yet. I have my scan at 4.30pm and I hate hate HATE going places with germs. It's so wrong, people! I have such a thing about spreading viruses, it's inconsiderate, no matter how normal it is for everyone to do it - that doesn't make it right! Tsk! My children are all well (and hopefully I will not give this to any of them) - I guess I picked it up getting my ECG monitor fitted at the hospital on Monday. Urgh.

So hopefully I will feel better tomorrow, NOT be streaming with cold, wash my hands before I go and not touch my face whatsoever while I'm out. I hate giving germs to people. It's. Not. Right. [/rant]

I can feel a sweet little bulge above my pubic bone now! :) Just not flat there anymore, a definite little person growing! I'm not sure that I've known that this early in previous pregnancies - I would check except bleuurrgh I feel sick and yucky and am going directly to bed the moment I've finished this brief post.

Tomorrow I will find out how the little one is doing, and if he or she has a companion in there. I am not sure what to expect at all. I have no hunches. Just want to know that everything is developing normally, and I will be so happy and relieved, and be able to go back to calling the baby "Sausage" and think more normal thoughts about him or her, and so on. Not that I'd noticed having stopped using the name Sausage until just now. I really want to feel reassured about this pregnancy, and tomorrow's the day for that, so I feel really quite nervous about it suddenly. I think I will feel nervous right up to the scan, so I just hope the day passes quickly and I can get to that part without everything feeling like it's taking FORRREEEEVVVVERRR! The scan is at 4.30pm, so the evening is the earliest time I'd have a chance to update here. I will ask for a picture this time, unless I suppose I am totally freaked out or distracted hugely by something and forget! I don't think I will forget though... I hope I don't feel too sick. Today at 4.30pm was pretty bad :S

Anyway, yay for 8 weeks! :D Last pregnancy I got my doppler out at 8 weeks and ONE day and heard Samuel's heart beating, though I totally did not expect to catch it that early! So that would be tomorrow! But I'll hear it at the scan if all is well anyway. But yay, doppler time, almost!! :) I hope this first trimester whizzes by. It's always nice to stop feeling sick and to get past the nerve-wracking milestones and to the fun parts like scans, showing, maternity clothes, etc! Such fun! :)

If everything is fine in there, the baby should be starting Carnegie Stage 17 of embryonic development today (which lasts for a couple of days). The heart will seperate into four chambers, and the hands and feet are developing more. Sooo many things begin to develop just in the next couple of days! The pituitary, the intestines, the diaphragm, the trachea, the larynx, the bronchi, and the little teeth buds begin to form in this stage - just this 2 or 3 day stage which starts today!!! So amazing. Sense of smell is also developing right now.

Right, must go to bed! Will update tomorrow!

7 weeks, 3 days

2011-10-08T22:54:00.005+01:00

Hello! :)

Just a few things to "report" right now. I love being 7 weeks pregnant! Usually 7 weeks is a grim grim grim time with morning sickness, and I keep myself going by getting to the next week and the next. This time:

* Very minimal morning sickness! I thought it was really kicking in the last time I posted - it was much worse for a few days. It was getting to be about as bad as my "normal" level of morning sickness when I'm pregnant, all of my other pregnancies. It meant that I felt sick pretty much all the time from lunch time until bedtime, and in that time nothing I ate would make it any better. It distracted me completely and felt like a blanket over me, and made the usual things of the day seem way harder to deal with. In all my other pregnancies, that was my normal level, at the mildest it ever got. I would also have "bad days" or runs of bad days in a row, I suppose with hormone changes and such? Anyway, on THOSE days I would not be able to function to do anything for the weight of the constant feeling that I was going to be sick. Thank the Lord I never was! But it's a horrible feeling! Everything tasted bitter, especially carbs, and made my mouth water excessively. That added to the nausea. I had to eat or it would get worse, and when I did, ugggghhh! Forcing food down whilst that nauseous was awful. And it didn't really help much but at least I didn't get worse like I might if I did NOT eat. Occasionally I would find a food or drink that would take the very edge off the nausea, but that would usually only work for a few days or maybe a week, and then become a food aversion, so I would try to find a new one that worked. I had a lot of foods, drinks and smells that I absolutely could not tolerate. I couldn't stomach fluids, especially water, and with my very best efforts would maybe consume half a pint of fluids in a whole day. Sometimes I felt so sick that I could not bear to move my facial muscles even to smile at my baby, and that used to make me so sad! :(

One or two of my pregnancies were slightly worse so that this level of nausea was more like the normal level (Matthew's particularly, in the evenings, but his was the earliest to disappear! :) ). But basically all 5 of my previous pregnancies have been pretty much identical in terms of morning sickness, give or take a couple of days on the start time, a week or few on the finish time, and maybe whether I was blessed with part of the morning nausea-free or not. The feeling of nausea was exactly the same.

Not this time! :) It's sooooo different! I don't know what to think! I have nausea which is so reassuring - I am so grateful! I hope it means everything will be okay with my little one(s). I am hugely blessed with the entire morning free of "morning" sickness - although first thing when I get up I do feel slightly yeurghy in my stomach, but that is more like a feeling that I might get when I haven't had nearly enough sleep, and then got up too suddenly and tried to stuff breakfast in it, you know? It wears off pretty quickly, and the rest of the morning is fine, not the slightest queasiness. After lunch, or around lunchtime (noon - 1pm here), I might start to notice it, especially if I'm very hungry, creeping in. Just queasiness at first, and then nausea if I don't go and eat. Once it's arrived, it tends to stay to some degree. But it's so mild and manageable. I wonder if those few days where it got worse were just "bad" days for this pregnancy? I hope so! It went back to what I had previously been experiencing, after the few days.

I can TOTALLY function normally! I've never known this in pregnancy before, and I can't tell you how grateful to God I am. I actually prayed for this, and He is so faithful. I NEED to continue school, and last time I was just incapacitated by the nausea and had to stop for a while. Quite a while, as it turned out to be, since Samuel's morning sickness lasted until 20 weeks - my longest yet! But ohhhh the joy of just getting on with life as normal, and just being somewhat distracted or inconvenienced by nagging nausea or mild queasiness! :) Late afternoon/early evening is my worst time as usual. It's there until bedtime, and always gone when I wake in the night with Samuel. Such a relief! I can eat ANYTHING. I have no food aversions, and I am drinking normally. Biting my nails (naughty!) usually is impossible during my first trimester, and I am still biting away (unfortunately!). It does make me a bit queasy but not enough to really deter me. That's the only real downside to the mildness this time, lol! ;)

Some foods do help, especially when I was feeling worse. I discovered nibbling dark chocolate almost completely eased my nausea on the third evening of feeling worse, just by chance! My nausea doesn't always go when I eat, and I generally feel yucky and distracted and would like it to go away, just for the feeling of nausea not to be present any more, but otherwise I am able to deal with it just fine. Sometimes in the afternoon and evening, especially when I'm distracted with a ton of stuff going on (quite often these days!), I suddenly realise I don't feel sick at ALL, and worry that something is not right! ;) But when I think about it again, there it is - slight queasiness waaaay in the background, and I am reassured. I asked God to please bless me with just a little morning sickness, enough for reassurance, but mild enough to be completely manageable. I am so overjoyed to have my prayer answered! Faithful God! :)

When it has been a couple of hours since I ate something, I get hungry quickly, and with that comes nausea. So it ebbs and flows a bit. But in general, so very very different to all my other pregnancies!

* I can feel my uterus! I thought I could feel it above my pubic bone juuuuust about, at 6 weeks and 5 days. I absolutely did NOT plan on saying anything at that early stage when I wasn't sure, in case I was prodding a constipated bowel (sorry, lol!) and ended up looking stupid! ;) By yesterday, 7 weeks and 2 days, I was sure as sure that I can feel my uterus an INCH above my pubic bone. It's pretty flat and small, and not really obvious, but by pressing around gently I can be sure it's my uterus. I was nutty enough to dust off my doppler last night, haha! Of course, nothing to hear except for a lot of whooshing blood vessels. I feel my uterus just above my pubic bone at 8 weeks usually, every pregnancy. That is early, but that's just me. THIS is reeeeally early. Early enough to be twins? I remember reading on a multiples board once, a bunch of frequently asked questions there. The twin mamas basically answered by saying that not much predicted twins universally, for most of them they had greater exhaustion and hunger than their singleton pregnancies, NOT necessarily morning sickness, and that for many of them, their first clue was feeling the uterus above the pubic bone at 7 weeks. So that makes me wonder. It IS only a week earlier than I usually feel it there, but earlier all the same.

I'm not sure I can truly believe it's twins, partly because I am so much LESS nauseous than usual, partly because the sonographer did say that she's fairly sure there's only one baby, but also because I'm still trying to protect myself over the possibilities that it might mean if it IS twins. I will just have to wait for Thursday to find out. It's coming up quite fast, and the days are going quickly, so sooner or later I will find myself actually at the scan and then I will know. In some ways I am not feeling all that able to move on to things like plans and thinking of names (other than the one that popped in my head earlier) until I know what is what with this baby. I occasionally start to, absent-mindedly, and then stop myself. I just want to know first, and then I can relax about the baby and continue on. I already love this little one so very much! But my usual patterns of thought are a little bit on hold until I know what is going on in there.

There's not much else really. I am very very tired this past week. I am not going to bed early enough though, and I have had a sore throat for a few days so maybe I've been fighting something off? Anyway, tiiiiiired! We have managed school every day though, I am proud of myself! :)

My spotting has finally GONE - well, the slightest tint is left, but that's it. Normal CM otherwise. HOORAY! Long may it stay GONE! I do not like bleeding during pregnancy, never mind how common it might be!

Jemma, I forgot to say in my last entry that they did find yet another subchorionic haematoma around the gestational sac. I seem awfully prone to those, even though they are meant to be "one of those things" and totally random! My bleeding always seems to be due to a SCH in my pregnancies. It was small so although she said I might spot for a while, it should go away quickly enough. I think I must have had a few or something, because I have had several seperate red bleeds. But anyway. I hope I don't have any more of them! Interesting theory about the lost twin! I wonder if there's a possibility that a twin "start" to the pregnancy has caused an early increase in size, uterus-wise, even if the twin is lost shortly afterwards? Interesting...

Well, I am feeling sick so I should go and eat something. I ate cereal an hour ago but it hasn't really made it better so I'll try something else and then go to bed. I will update again soon! :)

6 weeks, 6 days - scan! :)

2011-10-04T22:52:00.004+01:00

So sorry not to update last night - I know some of you were waiting! ;) I was just toooo tired out in the end to do a proper update, and still had school to prepare for the next morning so I had to do that instead. Tonight I am feeling exhausted, and more nauseous than previously (last night too), but at least school is prepared, so I will do a quick (QUICK, lol!) entry - okay, there's no way it will be quick, but I do feel really sick and just want to go to bed, so I'll try not to waffle for ages! ;)

So I had my scan yesterday. No picture though! :( I forgot to ask for one before they finished, and they said I should ask next time! Oh well.

I was so nervous at the last minute in the waiting room! It seemed to be a bad day at the Early Pregnancy Unit that afternoon. Everyone who went in to be scanned came out looking sad, and then one lady arrived in a wheelchair and sat next to me waiting for her scan, crying quietly :( So sad. I would have loved to put my arms around her and give her a big hug, but you never know if that's okay. So I sat and prayed for her and her little one silently. A fairly robust looking lady came in cheerfully with a sweet busy little toddler on her hip, and even she came out looking upset :( So by the time I was seen, I had waited nearly an hour, and was suddenly worried that my tiny might not be okay after all.

They don't show you the screen when you have these scans. I knew to just wait and look at the ceiling, and try to not hyperventilate or anything unhelpful like that. Thankfully within about 10 seconds of starting the scan, she said, "Looking good so far!" and I breathed out - I had no idea I had been holding my breath! She didn't turn the screen to me just yet, but I looked over at her trying to read her face for the rest of the scan, now that I didn't have to be so nervous. After a few moments looking at the screen and changing the angle of the scan loads of times, she got a sort of perplexed look on her face, and still looking at the screen, said, "I might need to get a second opinion..." Which made me nervous! So I asked, "What for?" and she said, "I don't want to freak you out (!!!!) but..." and then she turned the screen to me and pointed at what she was seeing, "I can't be sure whether this is a second baby or not." I saw a precious little blobble, all magnified, so very grainy, with a lovely beating heart - I could see all the valves opening and closing furiously like little trap doors, so fast! What a lovely sight! :) And there was a yolk sac, very obvious, next to the baby. And then MORE grainy magnified stuff, sort of to one side and down a bit. When she tried to change the angle or cross section the baby with the scan, it sorted of merged, and then separated again, so it was really hard to tell what it was. At one point she could not tell if there was another heartbeat, because it seemed like two RIGHT next to each other, but it was like a reflection (and exactly the same rhythm) so like part of the difficulty of scanning on such a tiny embryo which was squished up between the yolk sac and the wall of my womb.

I did not feel surprised at all at the mention of twins, even though it does (overall) look like it's probably a single baby in there. I just would NOT be surprised at a twin pregnancy one little bit, because I feel like it's something that God has opened our minds to in the past already, as a possible plan for us at some point. Also, Neil tells me he prayed for twins if I was to become pregnant again. And Nathey told me there were two babies (girl babies), although then he seemed unsure and said one baby was Samuel, and the other baby was the girl baby in my tummy :) Anyway, I would not be surprised. Twins absolutely do NOT run in my family, anywhere, even waaaaaay back on the family tree on various sides. Nada.

The sonographer continued to scan and scan. In the end she said she would take a look at my ovaries and then come back to the baby. My ovaries look fine. I ovulated from my left ovary this time (that's the 3rd time for sure, one unknown, and two from the right, lol!). I have some fluid in my left ovary but she thinks that's just to do with the cyst that formed after ovulating.

Then she went back to the baby (I just typed "babies"!). She was pleased because she said it had moved to a different position! I did not expect that it could at 6w5d, and for sure the only muscle movement is involuntary at this stage. But then as she was trying to measure the length of the baby (just 6.2mm, soooo teeny! And spot on for dates - 6w4d-6w5d), she said it was moving around quite a bit! Amazing! Another wiggler then? Matthew was by far my wiggliest baby, very vigorous and strong in the womb waaaay earlier than I thought a baby should be (!!), so perhaps this little one is going to be similar?!

She still could not be sure of whether something else was behind the yolk sac. She said that she could measure the length of the baby, but it was right between the yolk sac and the uterine wall.

So she suggested that I come back for a re-scan in 10 days. That way, if it's twins, they will be picked up for sure at 8 weeks, and if it's not, that will be very obvious too. She didn't want me to sort of slip through the loop, get to my routine scan at 12 weeks, and for them to find twins, see that I'd had an early scan and think the sonographer was incompetant, haha! She ummed and uhhed for ages about what to write on the report, and eventually said pleadingly, "Can YOU tell them?!" hehe! So after I finished there, I went through with my report and told the lady at the desk that I needed a re-scan in 10 days because it had not been too clear to measure the baby (what she said!)! ;)

She said that she THINKS it's a single baby, but that they just need to be sure.

I know a few things about the twin possibility, that I am sure I should not dwell on, and I'm NOT worrying about it! I promise! But I should probably do the right thing and put it out of my head until I know all the same. I want to write them here so all my thoughts are down anyway.

If it's twins, they will be identical twins. There is one gestational sac, not two. If it's twins, it looks to me most likely that they will be mono-mono twins (that is mono-chorionic, mono-amniotic twins). It depends when identical twins split into two as to what their "set up" in the womb will be. They can split early (I know this stuff due to a fascination with identical twins!) - up to 3 days after fertilisation, and then be like non-identical twins, each with their own sac and placenta. If they split between 4 and 8 days, they'll have a shared placenta, but two separate amniotic sacs side by side. If they split from 9-12 days after fertilisation, they will share both a placenta AND an amniotic sac. If they split from 13-15 days after fertilisation you will have conjoined twins.

I have one yolk sac - she could definitely confirm this. One yolk sac is indicative of mono-mono twins (both within the same amniotic sac) or conjoined twins - a late split. Both these types of twins are very rare (mono-mono twins make up 1% of all twins). Mono-mono twins are a HIGH risk pregnancy. The main risk is cord entanglement - old stats used to give a 50% chance of survival for both twins, but I think it's up to 80% or more now, but only with aggressive monitoring of the babies - you have to be admitted to hospital from 24 weeks or thereabouts for monitoring, until the babies are born, because at any time they might need to be delivered. I can't FATHOM that! All mono-mono twins are delivered by C-section no later than 34 weeks. Again, can't fathom. Scary prospect, if it is the case! More scary is the conjoined twins prospect, but HONESTLY I am not dwelling on either scenario. At first, even while I was looking at the image on the screen, I had a bit of a worry about conjoined twins, because what WAS that extra grainy blobbiness - not really another baby... and there was only one heartbeat.

Anyway, for the above reasons, I am actively praying for ONE healthy baby, because I think if there were two in some form, given the single yolk sac and no visible membrane within the gestational sac (which could separate twins), it would be a difficult and risky road. If we are blessed with twins, OH the blessing, the joy at having two!! But for the sake of my little boys I would hope that we are looking at one baby right now. In any other situation I would be SO excited about twins! :) And I still sort of AM, weirdly, even having said all of that! But I am just not going to think about it too much between now and the next scan, and see what happens then.

I'm feeling SICK. Bleurgh! It has been a really gradual increase in severity, for which I am REALLY grateful! It has made the transition to morning sickness much easier than my other pregnancies. It isn't as bad yet as it has been with the others, still. But not too far off in the evenings now. The evenings, as always, are my worst time, that and late afternoon. I'm blessed this time to have the whole morning free, and some days until an hour or two after lunch, before I start to feel queasy, which progresses to nauseous over an hour-ish, and then gets worse gradually over the remaining hours of the day. For the last 3 days, no foods that I eat are making me feel less sick any more, but I am doing my best to keep eating, and especially PROTEIN, when I feel sick. Sometimes eating makes me feel a little better for like 5 minutes, and then it creeps back again. One thing for sure is that if I DON'T eat, or if I delay eating by much time when it's a meal time or I'm hungry (and I am VERY hungry, quite frequently now!), I feel MUCH worse pretty quickly. So I eat. And water is going okay so far, which is a relief. I always struggle to get any fluids into me at this stage because I can't tolerate water at all, or any other fluids really. Foods aren't tasting bitter (yet?), which I'm grateful for too.

I am still a bit crampy and generally uncomfortable here and there, low in my pelvis. It's nothing to worry about though, I think. I am getting hot flushes more this past week, not related to the GORGEOUS hot weather we've been having (which is sadly now finished!).

I can't think what else to write, although I'm sure there's more, and I'm not entirely sure if I've missed something about my experience at the scan.... but it's late and Samuel is waking, and I'm soooooo tired. Have just eaten cottage cheese with some chopped up cucumber and tomatoes for the first time this pregnancy, and it was NICE to eat that, so maybe it's a boy? Haha! ;)

Thanks for being so supportive and excited for me on this pregnancy journey! :) I'll update again soon!

6 weeks, 2 days - bleeding again

2011-09-30T14:06:00.002+01:00

Middle-of-the-day entry today, which is a rarity! Boys are playing nicely (all 5!) together and I am trying to rest up nearby. I wanted to update while I have the chance, especially in case things change later.

Yesterday was a good day for two reasons:

1) I went to the follow-up appointment for my kidney scan, and it's not 100% resolved, but at least nothing to worry about. I have another scan to follow-up in November. My kidney hasn't fully drained after it was swollen up with fluid while my kidney stone blocked it from draining. Not sure why... that would explain why it's still aching all the time, but they said not to worry, and it should hopefully have cleared up in another couple of months. Anyway, the GOOD thing about it was that the consultant scanned my bladder just as a routine, and I immediately turned to look at the screen while she did so, because I wondered if there was any chance I might spot a flash of a pregnancy nearby! :) And I DID! :D I saw a very familiar looking black slightly-irregular looking circle amongst all the grey, and the consultant saw me smile on seeing it, so went back to show me it again. She just said, "There's the pregnancy sac!" and then immediately said she would not dwell on that, we had to get on with the bladder scan. I was actually pleasantly surprised to see it, because I was only 6 weeks and 1 day pregnant and it was a trans-abdominal scan! Usually a sac is the only thing you'll see with a MUCH more clear trans-vaginal scan at just six weeks of pregnancy, maybe a yolk san in there. Some people see a fetal pole, but not all. At 5w5d with a trans-vaginal scan, we could only see the black gestational sac with Arthur, and the slight outline of a yolk sac inside. So I was surprised to see it on a tummy scan! :)

I can feel the edge of my womb at my pubic bone, juuuust about, which seems awfully early... there was only ONE gestational sac though! ;) I usually feel it poking above my pubic bone at the 8 week mark (also early, but normal for me). Maybe it's just the fact that it's my 6th pregnancy? And maybe THAT'S the reason it was visible on a trans-abdominal scan this early - it's higher than usual?

2) Yesterday was the first day in my entire pregnancy (excluding the first 6 days after ovulating!) where my bleeding had almost completely vanished! I actually did not need to wear a pantyliner, though I did just in case. I had normal CM by the end of the day, and was SO pleased about it! :)

But, I was doing a speed-tidy of the living room in preparation to start school with the boys this morning, and suddenly I felt a leaky sensation. I immediately said to the boys that I was going to the toilet, and collected a pad on the way to the bathroom. It's funny how I don't ever need to look any more to know it's blood. From Nathan's pregnancy onwards, blood has never caught me by surprise because I somehow always know it's blood, even a little of it, before I get to the toilet to actually look. When I got there I found bright red blood, and quite a lot of it, already soaked through my clothes. There was also a good amount in the toilet after I finished. I felt a bit shaken by seeing it, but much less so than any other time. I feel so at ease about any outcome, somehow. I just trust God. He gives and He takes away, and His name is still to be praised. If this baby is leaving me, or if it is to soon, I feel absolutely sure of who the baby is. I still can not get the name Rachel out of my head. It feels like "her" name, even though I still feel ambivalent abuot it - I am not all that keen on the name! Such a weird feeling to have about a name that I KNOW is going to be used as her name, lol! I do realise there's a good chance that everything could be fine, and when we get to the gender scan, the usual, boy bits are going to be staring at us from the screen, lol! Not sure about calling the baby Rachel then, haha!

I still don't know if I am going to use the name Rachel - but given the strength of my feelings over the name now, if the baby dies then I was consider her a girl, and name her Rachel. I'll never know for sure, so I am going to go with that.

If things progress well, though, I have asked God to confirm to me if Rachel is the name HE wants the baby to have, by putting it on Neil's heart, and having Neil confirm it to me. I have told Neil that I feel God has put a name on my heart, and that it's a girl's name, but I haven't told Neil the name. I'm pretty sure Neil doesn't like the name Rachel and like I said, it's not a name I would shortlist myself. It's an odd feeling to have such a thing for it! And now I WILL look daft if the baby is a boy, lol! ;) Not that I'm feeling particularly that it ISN'T a boy, it's just the NAME that distracts me constantly, it's weird. I'm starting to fall in love with a name I don't even like all that much, like it is already attached to someone I love. Not sure how to explain it any better really...

I became crampy a few minutes after starting to bleed, and the cramping became really quite sharp and nasty right down in my groin, so I felt a bit ominous about it really, as I've had cramping with bleeding before, but just period-type crampiness, not this sharp thing. I decided to go for a BM to see if that helped, but was kind of nervous to. I think it did help, but I bled pretty heavily in the process :(

Right now it has been a few hours since it all started, and the crampiness has all but gone. I put a heavy-duty pad on, which has some red blood on it, but it seems to have slowed right down now. So, I am not sure what to think! At first, especially with the cramping, I was SO SURE this had to be it. I put a DVD on for the boys, explaining to them that I was bleeding and would rest for a bit while they watched a DVD instead of doing school like we'd planned. They understand what the bleeding is about, and seemed worried for the baby at first, but I was upbeat and reassuring (not being worried as such myself, though I guess concerned at the bleeding because obviously I want everything to go well with this pregnancy!), and reminded them that whether this baby lives or dies, God is good, and we will see the baby one day in either case. They went off happily to watch Paddington, and I lay down upstairs while Samuel finished his nap. It felt oddly like the time I had a kidney stone and lay down upstairs in the same place and position while I waited for Neil to come home before going to hospital, which wasn't a nice association! I lay feeling really crampy, and just decided to praise God, because He is worthy of praise in every circumstance of life. I sang a worship song to Him, and felt a lot better after that, and the crampiness eased somewhat.

When I came downstairs, I phoned the Early Pregnancy Unit at the hospital like my GP had told me to, and they said the earliest they could scan me would be next Tuesday (it's Friday today) at 1.30pm, so I said yes to that. Better than nothing, and still before 7 weeks so that's good. They told me to ring my GP and ask her to fax a referral letter to them, so I left a message for my GP with the fax number.

I got a phone call at lunch time (managed to make the boys' lunch, just took it slowly and sat down as much as I could) from the GP receptionist, saying that my GP had phoned the EPU herself and asked what they could do about bringing forward my scan, since she did not want me to wait until Tuesday with heavy red bleeding! :) Love my GP! :) So now I have a scan at 3.30pm on Monday (6w5d). Boy do I hope everything is okay...

Neil has informed work, and they seem okay with letting him stay home from work on Monday afternoon to watch the boys while I go to the u/s. It's an internal one so I can't take them with me, not that they allow little ones anyway, since there are people there having a miscarriage :(

The other thing of note is that I started a belly gallery yesterday (well, just posted a saved post right before this one) with my first belly picture in it. It's a 6 weeks photo for the "before" photo - please excuse my extremely yellow appearance, lol! My lovely camera has lost its charger in the house somewhere, so I've had to use my point-and-shoot camera which is rubbish with artificial light! :/ Oh well!

I am still feeling morning sick, but it's SO mild.... it makes me a little concerned given the bleeding and such. I'm grateful meanwhile! :) It's THERE but so much more manageable than any of my other pregnancies have been. I can function completely normally, and eat and drink anything I want without feeling yeurghy. I hope it's okay to feel that way (for me)...

Will update again very soon.

Belly Gallery for Baby #6!

2011-09-30T14:01:00.006+01:00

Here's my belly gallery for my 6th baby, currently known as Sausage! :)

6 weeks pregnant (excuse the yellow face, bad camera!)

11 weeks pregnant - showing! What is with the baaaad colour though?!

I missed 14 weeks! :( At 16 weeks I saw my consultant who thinks my uterus is not as big as 16 weeks (upcoming scan therefore). I am definitely not showing as much as I usually do at 16 weeks. Here is my 16 (and a half) week belly picture:

16 weeks and 3 days

Missed 18, 20, 22 AND 24 weeks! :( But here's a quickly-taken-with-the-timer photo of my bump (now known to be Elijah!) at 25 weeks:

25 weeks, 2 days

6 weeks pregnant! :D

2011-09-29T00:13:00.002+01:00

Woohoo, six weeks pregnant! So exciting!

I have to be quick because it's really late and Samuel is stirring a bit, which means he could wake any moment (and I should be in bed!). Just wanted to update about my doctor's appointment today.

It went fine! Things have changed a bit apparently, and now everything goes from the GP to the hospital, which then acts as a sorting base, and gets me set up with the midwifery team, and arranges scan appointments, sends me info, etc. The GP no longer sends me for an early scan, I have to go through the hospital antenatal department for that. So, we spent a fair amount of time filling in the appropriate information! ;) This is because I have to give all the information on my previous babies (gestation, normal pregnancy/birth?, birth weight, location, gender, etc), and there are a few of them now, lol! LOVE going through all of that every time. Their stats are always right on the tip of my tongue, I never forget any of the details, and I love to review it when I book in for a new pregnancy! Especially with all of the said babies milling around me happily, playing with toys as I chat to the doctor! :)

My blood pressure was 109/68, typical low-ish blood pressure for me, nice and normal :) She did not weigh me (they never do here, but usually the doctor weighs me at book-in for a base weight for the notes). BUT I weighed myself last week when I was fully dressed, feeling annoyed with none of my jeans fitting me properly any more, and my skirts hanging off my hips and thus being a bit too long for my short legs! ;) I knew I was 9 stone something (a few lbs over 9st but can't remember exactly now) a couple of weeks before that, so I wondered if I had made it down to 9 stone or something? I don't do anything to lose weight but it does come off around this stage all the same, so it's worth keeping track of.

I seriously nearly fell off the scales when I saw 8 stone 7lbs!!!!! I haven't been as light as that since between Arthur and Matthew's pregnancies!!! I have no idea why, except that I do know the kidney stone and tummy bug both shifted a lot of weight off me in the stage where I normally do NOT lose any weight even if I try. So I guess it gave me a head start or something?! I don't know! Anyway I am pleased because it's a much better weight to start a pregnancy with (knowing I will pile on a LOT of weight pretty soon!), but also a little bit unsure about having lost this much so far, because I usually lose a fair bit more during the morning sickness stage. I was 7 stone 10lbs before having children, and my optimum weight was supposedly 8 stone 8lbs. I could NEVER make it to that, even on a dietitian-supervised high calorie diet, and after having Arthur I decided that I did not want to go back down below 8.5 stone ever again. I think I don't have the energy I need when I don't weigh enough, especially if I am parenting many small boys and breastfeeding at least one or two of them! ;) So in that sense I am a little insecure about having dropped quickly down to 8st 7lbs already. Hopefully I won't lose much more before I gain again with the pregnancy.

My GP highlighted in her report to the hospital the fact that I am bleeding. She hopes that they'll see it and arrange an early scan appointment, but if I haven't heard from them for a while (?!) then I can ring the antenatal clinic and they will put me through to the Early Pregnancy Unit where I can arrange myself a scan. I am only spotting brown, and it's definitely lighter now, but I do want to have a scan if I am allowed to, because it always brings me great peace of mind after a bleed. I am not particularly wanting to wait "a while" to see if they get in touch with me! I asked if the bleeding turns red again (it has, on and off, but not for a week maybe, now) what should I do? She said to call them and arrange a scan, not to go back to the GP like I used to be able to. So I will do that. I think I will call the hospital about it early next week, or maybe even Friday if I am impatient enough, haha! ;)

On arriving at the doctor's surgery, we met a mother pushing her baby in a pram coming out. She stopped and asked me if the boys were all mine, and I said yes (proudly!)! :) She said, "Oh well done! That's great!" So lovely! :) Once inside, we were early (I KNOW!!!!! ME!! EARLY!!! :D ) so we sat for a while near the entrance where the water cooler was, and I got the boys some water to drink. I was just organising them with their drinks when a lady with a baby sat down next to us and stared and smiled. After a minute an elderly man came in and straight off he asked me if they were all mine. I said yes. The lady gasped, haha! He asked me if they were all boys, and I said yes. The lady gasped again! ;) Then Arthur loudly proclaimed, "And number six is in her tummy!" with a huge smile, bless his heart! :) More gasps from the lady, and the sweet gentleman made the oft-mentioned comment about football teams, wished me luck, and smiled at us and went on his way.

Sitting in the waiting area at last, there were lots of people waiting, many with babies because it was a vaccination clinic at the same time. People STARED at us, but ever so kindly, with smiles and wide-eyed nods at me when I caught their looks, so it was nice :) For some reason, Arthur took off his shoes and socks while we were in with the doctor, and so we paused in the waiting area on the way out for him to put them back on. PACKED waiting room by then! Two ladies who looked like mother (elderly) and daughter (maybe 50s) sat smiling at us while he put his shoes on. Finally the younger lady suddenly said, "Excuse me, but have you got FIVE little boys?!" and I said yes (proudly again! I'm so proud of them and so happy that, yes, they're all mine!). She and her mother said, "Woowww!" and then Arthur stood up, ready to go, and in a very loud voice said again, "And number six is in her tummy!" The whole waiting room gasped, hahaha! The elderly lady said, "Ohh, shhh!" as though you shouldn't say about something like that, and her daughter said, "I see you don't have any secrets!" with a smile. ;) A lot of attention was directed towards us, and that used to make me squirm, but I am enjoying it now. I love my many small boys, and am so excited that God has chosen to bless me this way, and this MUCH! :) There's no much hiding away now, lol! So it's fun, especially when everybody is so nice about it. I know that not everybody is nice about it, but hopefully I will not meet many of them - I haven't yet, thankfully!

So it went well!

In other news, I am queasy today (a little here and there in the morning, but not much until lunchtime like the other days so far), but never really getting as far as full-on NAUSEA. I hope that's okay... In all my other pregnancies I felt pretty grim by the time I turned 6 weeks. I mean, I feel yucky, but not always, and it seems ever so mild. It does sometimes take a few days to really pick up strength, going by my pregnancy diary for my other pregnancies, but still, by 6 weeks it's usually at that point - maybe 6 weeks and a couple of days at the latest, but still it's worse than this at 6 weeks exactly all the same. Not sure what to make of that. I am eating protein in all my meals, and protein if I feel a bit yeurghy, but I don't know that I can put it all down to protein management! I mean, surely there were zillions of occasions that I ate protein when feeling grim in other pregnancies (think of all the gallons of cottage cheese I've consumed in early pregnancy, lol!) and it made no difference. I am VERY GLAD to be feeling only mildly sick. It's very manageable and the days are basically normal. I'm busier than I ever was before, but again I don't think I can put the easier nausea down to just being busy. There are many busy homeschooling mothers of many children who are still rendered horizontal for months by morning sickness, no matter how busy or distracted they may be!

I just hope it's okay. Because it's different from the other 5 times, it makes me a little bit uneasy, especially with the bleeding, but anyway. Hopefully I will get a scan and it will be good news, and reassuring. Tomorrow I am going for a scan of a different sort - a follow-up ultrasound on my kidney after the kidney stone, just to see if it's fine. I have had some aches and pains there pretty consistently since then, and it was completely obstructed for some time so I want to be sure it's okay.

Too tired to think straight now (been a really tired day today!) so I will go to bed now! :) Back soon though! Must take a "before" belly picture soon! :D

5 weeks, 5 days - nauseous!! :D

2011-09-26T21:13:00.003+01:00

Nausea set in with hunger yesterday evening as we had to wait a bit for a late dinner! :) Not too bad, especially since it's a touch earlier than when it usually kicks in badly, but I'm still SO VERY RELIEVED!!! Today I felt fine in the morning, and as lunch time approached I began to feel a little bit yeurghy. Decided to tackle morning sickness with PROTEIN this time around, so ate a tuna/sweetcorn/mayo sandwich. I was so hungry! Felt a little better for it, but basically still queasy. And the quease has stayed ever since (as is typical for me - in a weird way the familiarity is nice! :) ) and gradually got a bit worse towards the evening, and dinner didn't really do much for it. Oh well! I just hope it doesn't get worse over the next few days (please please please please please!!) because right now this is yucky and unpleasant, but TOTALLY manageable. I made dinner without feeling too green over it, so I would be really happy to continue with this level of nausea - I have had a lot worse!

I am still spotting, just a little bit, and brown. Last BM (sorry!) did not have any red spotting afterwards, which is a first, yay!

I can also safely say that I am definitely peeing more frequently today and yesterday (much more so today than yesterday) at last! :) I am hungry about a couple of hours after a meal (SO hungry now, 3 hours after dinner with the boys, and anxiously awaiting the Tesco delivery as I type, because the hunger is making me more nauseous and we have run out of foooood!).

Neil is on the phone right now, telling all of his family that I am pregnant! :) Then I think I will wait no longer and blab on Facebook. I know I am spotting, and awaiting a scan, but I'm NAUSEOUS and so much reassured by it. The nausea last night, even though I tried not to at the time, had the immediate effect of HUGE excitement about this pregnancy - I think I have been trying to stay a little guarded, although I was excited and thrilled! Now I am able to let myself think of allll the wonderful things coming my way in May and before then - baby kicks, big glorious round tummy full of baby, fun scans, finding out the gender, naming our sweetie pie, the birth, ohhhhh the snuggles with a precious flopsy snuffly newborn! Breastfeeding afresh! New sibling relationships! All six of my children in one photo! Such joys, I just can't wait! I absolutely can not WAIT to hold a newborn again. *sigh* :D

Because I'm so very thrilled to be carrying and growing this specific tiny little person (heart beating, heart beating, how wonderful and exciting is that?!!! :D ), I just want the world to knoooow! I don't want to wait any more, even if the unthinkable happens and the pregnancy ends. I just want the world to celebrate with me, the existance and precious life of my tiny new baby, however long it may last here on earth! Oh how I pray that it will be many many decades! I already love him or her so very much!

The day after tomorrow I am 6 weeks pregnant (can't believe 6 weeks is just about HERE already!!) and I'll have my doctor's appointment. If I don't update before then, I will update on Wednesday about the appointment and how I'm doing. Thanks so much for rooting for me and being excited with me! It means such a lot to me! :)

5 weeks, 3 days

2011-09-24T16:41:00.005+01:00

Sorry for a few days without an update! Just been busy, and had a little "trouble" in bloggyland. God loves us having lots of babies and submitting to Him. Satan does not! Nuff said.

Yesterday was an exhausting day. Neil had special day at work, in London, followed by a very dressed-up evening with dinner and such. He left for work at 6.30am, and did not come home until nearly midnight. I managed ever so well, and I'm so happy and proud of myself! :) I do manage the days fine with 5 little ones (which has been a learning curve! But I do now!), but the early start and then all that long time with bedtime, etc. by myself was a stretch I hadn't done before. I have sometimes done bedtime if Neil has worked late, and once or twice a friend from church has come round to help me, just randomly (thank you Lord for arranging that!), but this time I so wanted to test myself and see how I would do. I felt confident that I could manage that kind of day quite well, and I knew it would be a great feeling to do so. I did feel very very tired with the early pregnancy thing, but it was not too bad. We got all of school done, and I had to lie on the living room floor for half an hour in the afternoon while the boys listened to a story CD around me - I came over EXHAUSTED then! Everything went fine though, and bedtime was a little stressful with Samuel not sleeping and the other two littles being tired... it worked out in the end, and Nathey was asleep first by 7pm, Samuel by 7.30, Benjamin 7.45, and the big boys by 8.30. Phewee, I was so wiped out by the time I came downstairs! I needed to get some dinner for myself and I could barely see straight for a while, I just felt so tired! I rested up and actually plugged cable TV in (gasp! I never watch TV!) and flaked in front of some entertainment for most of the evening, and ate, and felt better. Samuel woke twice to feed, and Benjamin rolled off his mattress onto the floor once, but he didn't wake when I put him back. I was so happy to see my sweet hubby though, when he came wearily in! :)

Anyway, so no online time yesterday evening when I would have updated here.

I am now around the half-week mark already - 5 and a half weeks pregnant. I am still spotting brown. If I go for a BM, right afterwards the spotting becomes more red than brown, and then changes back to brown after a few hours. There's very little of it, regardless of colour, but enough to keep on wearing the pantyliners for now. I really don't like to see it change to red! Oh that did also happen yesterday at one point, not related to a BM. Late in the afternoon, I was just feeling physically tired out, and when I got Samuel up from his nap, I discovered he had brought up some milk on the sheets of the big bed, and also rubbed his hands and HEAD in it, yuck! So I needed to change the sheets, and bath the baby. Changing the sheets just about did me in! I was practically gasping - soooo breathless and exhausted, lol! That's early pregnancy for you! ;) It's a nice reminder that I *am* having pregnancy symptoms, as this one is familiar to me from early on in my pregnancies. Anyway, after that I went to run the bath, and that's when I realised I was bleeding a bit - red. So maybe it was an exertion thing?? I don't know what it's about! It's getting a bit old, to be honest (over 2 weeks straight now), but hey ho.

These next few days make me feel a bit anxious and apprehensive. In 4 days time I will be 6 weeks pregnant. By 6 weeks, I am always morning sick. Always. The first three pregnancies, it started with a bang at 5 weeks and 6 days exactly - although it might actually have been 5w5d with Nathan, I can't remember.... Anyway, then with Benjamin I was 5w3d, and it started that evening. With Samuel I started to feel somewhat queasy at exactly 5 weeks, my earliest start yet. It was full blown by a few days later. So far I am not morning sick. If I don't become so by 6 weeks, I will naturally feel very anxious about the pregnancy. I know I don't have to have morning sickness, or morning sickness starting at the same time each pregnancy, in order to have a healthy pregnancy, but with my history it seems somewhat unlikely doesn't it, for everything to be normal and okay if I am not sick by 6 weeks?

So in one way I am nervous that 4 days will pass and I will still be feeling fine, and then to deal with what that means, and what events must follow. And in another way I am nervous that within the next 4 days I will start feeling GRIMMER THAN GRIM and ohhhh how difficult a time that is!! ;) I know I will be blessed to feel sick, it will be great reassurance, but it's still makes me a bit apprehensive, in terms of dealing with the nausea whilst caring for and schooling my little boys! I know it can be done, but it will be difficult.

My temperature dipped yesterday, but I woke up out of the covers and cold, and earlier than usual given Neil's early departure! Today it was right back up again. Yesterday I took another pregnancy test with the first of my new cheapy tests, since it had been three days since the last one, and it was the same as the previous one, no darker, just the same. A strong positive, so I am just going to presume the pregnancy is going fine.

IF SO.... my baby has a heartbeat! :D It's so wonderful to be going about my day and then suddenly think of it, and lay my hand on my tummy low down and wonder at the thought of there being a teeny tiny heart beating inside. Makes me smile so much every time! :)

I wonder about this baby... I know it's waaaaaay more likely (let's face it!) for the baby to be a boy, but there's a girl's name in my head, and I did not put it there. It appeared the day before yesterday, and because it's not a name I would choose to name my baby girl, I put it out of my head. It came back a couple of hours later. Then that evening the name came up three times online - article authors, a sweet message that drew my attention by someone I don't know, with this name, etc. Every time I saw it, I got a feeling. I am not sure if I like the name or not. It's not a BAD name, but definitely not on my shortlist. I just wonder why it keeps coming back as a name that is familiar to me, as though it's already the name of one of my children. I prayed about it yesterday and asked God that if it's the name He wants me to use, that He would put it into Neil's head too. I think it's not likely that Neil would ever suggest this name, so if he does, I KNOW it's God! :) And I'm leaving it at that. Other than that I have had no thoughts on names. It did make me wonder because I remember that Samuel's name fell into our laps at 5 weeks. It popped in my head, and I LOVED it for that particular baby, even though it had been considered for other babies and not made it to the shortlist. When I called out to Neil in the kitchen to suggest the name, he loved it so much! So that's when I sort of knew it would be a boy, because there was a strong feeling that this was the baby's name, and Samuel being a boy's name... well! ;) I feel sort of like that about this girl's name, so I wonder...

[here endeth the crazy notion that I might possibly have a daughter ever, lol!]

I am not wanting a girl though. I am eager for a boy! I feel sliiiightly not-quite-at-ease now, with the whole baby girl thing, and I think it's because I feel so very rooted in growing, birthing, and raising baby boys. I know they're all just BABIES, but there's such a hype about it, isn't there?! I just feel comfortable continuing to have a baby boy each time! :) I am not really planning to think any further on the girl/boy thing, except to presume boy, unless proven otherwise at a scan. So that's that! :)

I phoned my brother this evening, to tell him I'm pregnant. He answered the phone, and after we'd said hi, he started laughing at Sarah, who was apparently making some sort of gesture in the background. She isn't the type to make rude gestures (!!) so I did not know what to think, and he didn't explain it. Then he said, "Have you got any news?!" and I said yes! He started to laugh at Sarah again, and then asked, "What's your news?!" I said, "Well, I'm going to have a baby!" His response was so lovely - what a refreshing phone call it was! He immediately congratulated me and said what wonderful news it was. Then he was able to tell me that Sarah had been making "big pregnant tummy" gestures when she heard it was me on the phone, lol! I said, "How did she know?!" and Bennie told me that she had been thinking of me only last week, and thought it was probably getting to be about the usual time for another baby, hehehe! Love that! :)

I did tell him that I've been bleeding since nearly the start of the pregnancy, and that I'm still spotting and will have a scan soonish. I'm going to update him after the scan, whenever it might be. I am getting fidgetty to get this doctor's appointment done now, just because I want to officially DO something for this pregnancy - book in for a start. And get started on a scan date to check on the baby with this bleeding. Wednesday afternoon can't come soon enough!!

Let's see, anything else? Symptom wise I am not noticing too much, but this is usually a quiet patch, right before the morning sickness usually kicks in. I did have some painful twinges in one breast today, and have also had a few moments of feeling a bit "cars-y" - you know where you sort of smell cars or petrol, and just the smell makes you feel a bit motion-queasy? Not nauseous yet, but just the first whiff of the feeling. That's how I've felt from time to time today, so mayyyybe the first inklings of morning sickness?? I think this is how it started with Samuel. I will have to double-check.

I put sweetcorn as one of the toppings on my homemade pizza this evening, and the smell of it from the can was like PETROL, honestly. Uggghhh. Tasted okay though. I've been loving me some mint imperials lately, but tonight they taste faintly of stale cigarettes, blech! I'm sooooo thirsty at the moment, and hungrier than usual as wel. Breakfast doesn't last me long, and I am shaky and hungry by the time it's time to make lunch - hard to get through making lunch for the boys and myself feeling that way. I have started to have to eat while I'm making their sandwiches. I am trying to eat high protein meals when I do feel that way, because I think that has helped the most (MUCH more than a sugar hit) in the past. The main stuff I have around is eggs and cheese right now, so I've been going for those. I have beans too, actually, so I could eat those too. I have been having issues with gassiness and constipation (oh the joys, lol!) so beans have made me nervous, haha!

I can't think of anything else right at this moment, so I think I'll finish for now, and post again soon. Tomorrow is Sunday and we'll go to church and relax in the afternoon. Today Neil took all 5 boys out to the park! Samuel was SO thrilled to go with them - he is usually napping when they go, but has been shortening his naps a bit lately. I am so grateful to Neil for doing that, because I had the chance to rest - well, make the pizza dough and set it to rise, and THEN rest! :) It was refreshing to my head to have a quiet house for an hour or two, and I just read my Above Rubies magazine and lay on the sofa. Since a few days after ovulating, I have really been hyper-sensitive to noise. Weird, and I'm sure that's not a pregnancy symptom, or one I've noticed in pregnancy before, but there it is. OH! I just suddenly remembered after Arthur... I think it was my first conception after Arthur, which ended as a chemical pregnancy, I had a BUNCH of pregnancy symptoms with that, but one of them was that Arthur was too LOUD for my ears, it was unbearable. I remember barely being able to contain my irritation one time when Neil was home from work, and having to just take a time out upstairs. My ears could not STAND it! It was almost like I needed to scratch them off my head to deal with the noise. Weird. Anyway, this time has been the same, only THIS time I have 5 small noisy children, lol! It has been very difficult at times, and I wish I had set up a regular Quiet Time in the house that they could be used to, but I haven't. It's noisy ALL. THE. TIME! Which is normal, with 5 boys under 7! ;) But hard on my sensitive pregnant ears this time around. So peace and quiet at the weekend for a couple of hours is really so therapeutic. I feel like I want to cry with the relief on my ears and brain! ;) And then ironically, I miss the noise after about 2 hours and welcome it back as they tumble out of the van and into the house, all telling me about their walk at once! :)

Okay, enough! Must get ready for bed! Will write again soon - thanks so much for the comments last entry! Still can't BELIEVE I'm having my 6th baby!!! :D xxx

5 weeks! :)

2011-09-21T20:28:00.004+01:00

Well, I have arrived at 5 weeks pregnant! :) That's got to say something, right? I hope all is going well in there. Thanks for commenting, and for asking how I'm doing! So nice to check in and read things like that! :) I am doing fine right now.

This morning my temperature went up a fair bit, so that's reassuring! I also received my cheapy pregnancy tests in the post mid-morning, so I can have those to fall back on any time I want to check to see if I'm really still pregnant! Because of all the uncertainty, it's beginning to feel a bit surreal. I don't really feel all that pregnant at the moment - which actually is something I usually write in my blog around the 5 week mark, so I was reassured by reading that last night as well. I feel a bit easily irritable, a bit tired, but not EXHAUSTED like I was before... slightly yeurghy especially on getting up, as though my tummy is tired out and I am just not interested in breakfast. But I'm enjoying food today. I am, however, REALLY hungry, so that's pregnant of me at least! I don't know that I'm peeing any more frequently than usual yet, maybe a little bit. I'm not always noticing that difference this early to be honest. Things seem about normal for me at 5 weeks, which is a bit vague and surreal. By this time next week, if all is well, things should be a LOT different and I should be unable to move for how pregnant I feel! ;)

Today I had to take the boys to the doctor's for the nurse to do their vaccinations. This nurse has seen the boys a lot over the years, and seen little ones added to our family many times now. So she welcomed us, and did their jabs (Matthew had two, Benjamin was meant to get two but was so traumatised by the first one that she decided to leave the second one for next time! And Samuel had two again). Then out of curiosity I asked her what time the GP clinic opened in the afternoon (the nurse does stuff in between the GP clinics), because I thought maybe I could actually make an appointment to see a doctor RIGHT THERE AND THEN, and book my pregnancy in. Hopefully it would just be a case of waiting around a little bit, if the timing was good, and then it would be done and I wouldn't have to haul the boys back there again at all. So instead of telling me the answer, she helpfully turned to her computer and brought up the appointments for the afternoon! She asked who I wanted to see, and I knew that my GP did not work afternoons, but then she told me that she DOES do afternoons occasionally. The next one was next Wednesday, a week away. I really like to keep mornings free for homeschool. She said, "Is it for yourself?" and I said, "I need to book in a new pregnancy." I was SO not expecting her reaction! I hadn't finished the word "pregnancy", and she threw her arms up and clapped loudly above her head, and yelled out, "Yeah!" She laughed out loud and congratulated me, and said how wonderful that was! :D It was sooooo lovely! I could tell she was not expecting me to say it, and her reaction was just that - pure reaction, and I love that! Such a sweet lady! She is so nice with the boys. She knows we homeschool, and spent a good 10 minutes this afternoon letting Arthur help her sort equipment and talk about what each thing was for.

Anyway, she ended up booking an appointment for me right there in the nurse's room, for me to see my GP next Wednesday afternoon, to avoid messing with homeschool. But this evening I feel that I don't really want to wait that long. I will be 6 weeks pregnant next Wednesday, if I get that far. I asked if that would be a bit late to book in, given that they get full very quickly. But she said 6 weeks should be okay, so I went with that. But a week feels like AGES, and also I didn't mention the bleeding to the nurse. I think I would like to go to see my GP TOMORROW and tell her, "Look, I'm 5 weeks pregnant, but I've been bleeding since the start of it all, and it's not going away!" and ask for some help. That way I'll be booked in sooner, and I will have the wheels turning earlier for getting a scan. I know she will book me in for an early scan at the Early Pregnancy Unit at the hospital, and that will probably be sometime after turning 6 weeks pregnant, maybe even the end of next week? I don't know. All I know is, I increasingly WANT that scan, to know what's going on. Especially as the pregnancy still continues and the days are passing, and 4 weeks has turned into 5 weeks, and so on. In two days from now, my baby's rudimentary heart should start beating! I am feeling more and more attached to this little one and excited about his/her development inside me, and I'm beginning to want - NEED - that confirmation to know whether I can relax and be excited, or just to know that I should let it go. If I show signs of miscarriage in the next few days, I would still appreciate a scan when it's booked for in any case, to confirm complete miscarriage, since I'm no longer looking at just a late period if the pregnancy ends now.

There's a little person in there now. Over the next couple of days the tiny neural tube will be "zippered" closed. Ohhhh I pray it closes completely. I have only been taking folic acid since I knew I was pregnant, and a few times since I ovulated, given that I suddenly realised I had a chance of being pregnant. I wish I had thought to start taking it months ago! :S Anyway, I can't believe how much development has already taken place by 5 weeks. The early cells that will become the ears are already in place! The muscular tubes that will fuse to form the heart are already developed, and over the next day or two they will fuse. The moment they fuse, the S-shaped rudimentary heart will spontaneously start beating. SO. Amazing. I want to just absorb myself in the miracle that is taking place inside me, sooo much! But that will bond me with my baby, and I am cautious... I hope all these things ARE taking place.

As far as my body is concerned, the pregnancy seems to be fairly stable, in a way. I mean, I have made it to 5 weeks, and implantation is complete, so I am thinking the short luteal phase (for example) would have affected even a healthy pregnancy by now, and caused it to come to an end? I don't know what the bleeding is about, but it seems like my pregnancy is now well established, to still be going. A miscarriage that occurs most commonly between 5 and 6 weeks is nearly always due to chromosomal problems - something wrong with the baby. So that wouldn't cause this bleeding from 7DPO would it? So it doesn't necessarily mean that I would miscarry at any point? I don't know. I wish I knew!! Someone mentioned my progesterone levels, but I don't know a thing about getting that checked, or even if they do it in the UK.

Today I have had more of the dark brown spotting, not very much of it at all really, as the previous day or two. This evening I went for a BM, and noticed light red spotting/cm after that. So maybe that specific occasion could be from my cervix? I was told once when I was spotting in pregnancy that constipation can cause the cervix to be irritated and bleed a little, and I am constipated right now (the usual for me at this stage of pregnancy) so maybe... Although that can't account for the BLEEDING, or the ongoing spotting for two weeks straight now. I hope to get some answers soon, so Neil is going to arrange to go in to work 90 minutes late and make up the time, so that I can get an early doctor's appointment in the morning and go without the boys while he stays home with them. I will be so glad to get that done! :)

I will still check my temperature in the morning, although I know that temping isn't all that clear-cut in pregnancy (thanks for reminding me Valerie!) - they can bounce around a bit. I know trusting God is about letting go of it all and just leaving it to Him. I know it's all in His hands anyway! I should stop probably... maybe. It's something I'm happier doing though, for now. I know it makes no difference to the outcome of the pregnancy, whether I temp or test, or not, AND what those things say. But I like to keep check... So I will temp again in the morning. I would rather a heads-up in the morning than a shock later in the day, unhappy and unsure as that might make me in the morning. I also feel so happy to keep seeing visible evidence of this little one inside me by actually being able to see his/her little HCG staring up at me from my test stick! :) I may test tomorrow, but I know there's no need. Maybe I'll wait a bit longer. Depends on my temp, perhaps.

I'll keep updating. That is helping me too. I can't wait to be able to relax and rejoice all over the place about this baby! I WOULD right this second if I was 100% sure he/she was okay in there! I want to tell the world right now. I want to tell Facebook and everyone I bump into in the street, "God has blessed us again!! I'm pregnant!! I'm expecting a baby!! We're thrilled!! I'm due in May!" and all that fun stuff. I hope I will be able to soon! I look forward to it so much, and the thought of it keeps me going! :)

4 weeks, 6 days

2011-09-20T23:46:00.002+01:00

Still here! :)

Still not sure what to make of anything. This morning started out very uncertain for me. I temped and although it's STILL triphasic, it's a touch lower yet again (that's 3 days in a row now), so it's a bit inconclusive really :S Also I used my last pregnancy test and it was almost exactly the same as the last test I took at 17DPO (I'm at 20DPO today) - the test line showed up immediately, before the control line even did, and it's nice and dark. BUT, when I let it dry out and then held it with the previous test stick, I wonder if it's slightly lighter than the older test. I wish I had a photo, but my camera battery is dead and I just haven't had a chance to find the charger today and get it charged. I ordered a pack of 10 more cheapy test sticks online today, and the place I get them from is usually really really quick with postage, so they might even arrive tomorrow morning. I don't plan on testing tomorrow though.

I have had no more red bleeding, or brown bleeding, for that matter. I am continuing to have brown spotting as before, maybe a tad more reddish because of the recent red bleeding, but still basically brown spotting. It's pretty light. I keep going to the loo to check but nothing much more is happening. I am really not sure what to make of it!!

I am quite calm about it all right now. I'm still happy to be pregnant, and anxiety isn't gnawing at me at all. I will either go on to miscarry, or go on to have some pretty obvious confirmations that I am having a healthy pregnancy, soon. What will be will be, and worrying can't change that. This, folks, is the power of God, I promise you, because I EXCEL at worrying. If something could be stressed over, I'm your girl! I would pass a test in needless anxiety with distinction! ;) To not be stressing about this is supernatural, for me. And I'm grateful.

I do have the odd bit of achiness in my lower back today, and a sort of crampy feeling low in my abdomen, but more like an achy fullness than anything else.

Homeschooling and the general pace of the daily day-ness of life is very very wonderful right now. It's keeping me so busy and occupied and grounded, and I am glad of it. The day passes quickly, and oh it's just so much better than flapping about trying to keep the boys under control. Homeschooling is so ordered (when you pull your finger out and actually GET IT DONE - which I was not doing before September), and life is so much easier and just.... better, somehow, than not homeschooling! :) Anyway, it has been helpful to me. My evenings are occupied with preparing school for an hour or so, for the next day - mainly just the maths lessons, which are fun and easy to prepare for the stages the boys are at right now.

Tomorrow then, I am 5 weeks pregnant! I don't know whether to "be" 5 weeks pregnant or wonder if the pregnancy has ended and I'm waiting for the hormones to catch up (temp will show this over the next couple of days if so). This evening I am feeling pretty WELL. Not that haven't been feeling well, but there has been such an exhaustion and an element of mild queasiness and not wanting to eat. Today I have had that too, but I'm SO HUNGRY behind that feeling. I made chicken noodle soup for dinner and it wasn't difficult to make - no smells made me queasy (not sure if they should yet, from my past experience though?). This evening I have actually eaten and enjoyed chocolate (sweet food = no-no in general at this stage), and then just now before bed a bowl of cereal. I am second guessing myself, I know, but I wonder if that's normal for this stage or not? I wasn't wanting to eat much in the evenings over this past week... I feel quite alert and not too wiped out this evening, though I have felt EXHAUSTED most of today up until the evening.

Anyway I have made it to another bedtime, and so in the morning I will see what my temperature is. If it is lower then I wonder if I will start to bleed that day? If it's the same, then I guess it is inconclusive again, because it's still "up there" right now. Tomorrow I have three little boys getting vaccinations - so much fun! ;) So I need to work hard to get school done in the morning and then lunch and get the boys all ready to go to the doctor's in the afternoon. I hope I do not bleed in the process of allll that. And I wish there was a way I could see the doctor to book in my pregnancy, just in case it IS all okay! I should have done so by now if it's going to be okay. And also she would be able to book me an ultrasound in a week or so, which is something I want. Must sort that out!

I can't think what else.... My little one is hopefully working on a neural tube right now, and implantation was complete 4 days ago already. I hope that's what's happening in there.... The boys have mentioned Sausage a lot today, with happy smiles, and I have not found it easy to go along with them lightheartedly, but I have tried to make myself anyway. I hope they are not going to be let down.

Will update tomorrow - thanks so much for the comments! xx

4 weeks, 5 days - insecurities...

2011-09-19T22:51:00.002+01:00

I'm still here, I think! :S I have some bleeding today, but it's a bit sporadic. I'm not sure what to make of it. My temperature was down a touch on yesterday's (which was down a touch on the day before's), but triphasic all the same.

Brown spotting has continued today as yesterday. THEN around 6pm or so, I went to run the boys a bath and stopped for a wee - found dark/mid-red blood :( I know that's not good. I remember a doctor at the hospital when I was bleeding heavily (bright red) with Nathan, saying that dark red bleeding was actually more indicative of miscarriage than bright red bleeding, so at the time that was an encouragement.

I have also had a backache low down for most of the day, just mild. It was getting worse by the time I noticed the bleeding, and shortly afterwards it got a LOT worse and I became quite crampy feeling at the front low down too. Not BAD cramps, though I've charted bad to differentiate from my usual mild ones (which I've also had today, as most days I think, on and off). Neil got home shortly after this discovery and took over the boys' bath and much of bedtime prep so I didn't need to physically exert myself much. I spent the next couple of hours quite crampy (constant, not waves or peaks), and with bothersome low back ache (more bothersome than the crampiness). However 5 hours later the cramping is gone(disappeared 2 or 3 hours ago) and the back ache is minimal and not bothersome or distracting. Checked my pad and there is only some dark red spotting, nothing more.

What is going on?! I was sure I was starting a miscarriage early this evening, although I DO still feel pregnant, in terms of queasiness, hormonal moodiness (fly-off-the-handle day today), and I don't have much taste for food still (especially sweet foods) but my stomach is scrunchy hungry today, before I get to a meal time - a good pregnancy sign for me. I feel a bit weepy over children's stories - a lamb being born on a farming DVD the boys were watching choked me right up this afternoon! Still exhausted and a little dizzy today. Really bothersome headache this evening, which started around the boys' bedtime like the one I had at 6DPO (the day before my "period" started, which made me think it was a pre-period headache). I feel tired and congested (blood, not sinuses!) in my head, and HOT this evening.

I am planning to temp for confirmation (as in, whether it has dropped) tomorrow, AND test with my last pregnancy test, to see if it's getting lighter. The next day, I'll be 5 weeks pregnant and if things seem to be going okay still, I need to book my pregnancy in with the GP. Today I felt very unsure about the pregnancy while I was bleeding and cramping, so I thought I would not go to the GP (even though I'm meant to go asap) to book just yet.

Despite all of the above, I am still going with "Yay! I'm pregnant!" until proven, PROVEN, otherwise! :) There are lots of hints with the bleeding and cramping, but that's not proof for me yet, because I always have some sort of bleeding at some point! I want to read back my diary entries for this stage of Benjamin's pregnancy, because I started bleeding red with him at 5w2d and cramped like crazy, and was SURE as sure that the pregnancy was over, and then it quickly faded to spotting and all was well. I am wondering if it could be a similar thing. I really don't see why I am having all this BLEEEEDING though, from pretty much implantation time onwards! :S It has been 13 days now. I hope Sausage will be okay...

I will update tomorrow! So tired now, and need to go to bed.

4 weeks, 4 days! Yay! :D

2011-09-19T00:04:00.003+01:00

Woohoo, I'm pregnant! I'm baaaack! I love this! :D So happy!

Thanks so much for all the sweet comments and congratulations! :)

I wanted to update as it feels like SUCH A LONG TIME since yesterday morning, when all of this started, lol! But it's so late, and Monday tomorrow and I should go to bed. I wanted to keep track of my symptoms and such though:

I am still spotting, but I think this is my lightest day so far - only a pantyliner needed today. The spotting is pretty dark brown, so I'm hopeful that it's fading off and will not come back again. With my previous pregnancy bleeds, the dark brown spotting stage always last aaaages for some reason. I'm guessing I had a pretty heavy bleed because of the amount of red bleeding, and the heaviness of the brown for so many days. I'm amazed actually that I'm still pregnant, but I do hope all is well in there. I think it seems optimistic given the strong positive test just yesterday and my temps still high? My temp dropped a touch today, but it's still up in the triphasic level (higher than all my temps before the bleeding started), so that's okay. I am going to continue temping for a while. I just have to know...

Today I am exhausted again, and dizzy like yesterday, but it's not too bad. I have pretty much no appetite, like the last few days, and I admit I'm not eating brilliantly. Nothing looks good. I do seem to want plain crisps a lot, and have eaten those twice today, and yesterday too. Today all I wanted for lunch was a bag of plain crisps with a whole load of cheddar cheese cut into little cubes and thrown in with the crisps! :)

Sweet foods are NOT tempting right now. I am still partaking in the cookies that remain from when I baked them a couple of days ago, but they are not thrilling my taste buds like they were on Friday! This morning I was nursing Samuel to sleep on my bed, and when I stood up off the bed, I suddenly could taste goats cheese and wanted some soooo badly! Never had that one before, lol! It happened again later in the day, but with a sweet food instead, which I can't even remember now (can't have been that much of a craving then!).

I am mildly crampy I think? A sort of hot discomfort in my pelvic area, a bit achy and heavy-feeling. Not like cramps but I can't think of another word to sum it up. Today I think I am juuuust starting to notice the need to wee more often. I definitely haven't had to before today. I need to drink more fluids! I do not want another kidney stone! :S

I just remembered that the night before the positive pregnancy test (16DPO) during the evening I had heartburn! I mentioned it to Neil, saying, "Wow, I haven't had heartburn for AGES!" Probably haven't had it since my last pregnancy, so now it all makes sense! ;) I still can't believe I didn't twig earlier, lol! It's the bloomin' bleeding that put me off!

I'm so sorry to everyone who missed crazy obsesso-woman this time around, hehe! I missed her too! I LOVE the surprise, but I did have a moment of, "Aww..." about the crazy fun of watching every tiny symptom like a hawk and obsessing at my blog, and oh the great great fun of testing and wondering about non-existant lines! I love that stuff, and I did miss it this time, but it doesn't matter - I'm pregnant, and that's the most wonderful part! :D

I was holding Samuel in my arms this afternoon, and Nathan was lying on the floor looking up at us. He suddenly smiled and said, "We didn't expect the two babies, did we Mummy?!" and I wondered what TWO babies he was on about! So I asked, and he said, "Baby Samuel... (not sure why he mentioned that part!)... and the girl baby." I said, "What girl baby, lovey?" and he said, "The girl baby in your tummy." :)

He also said that we should call him (bless his heart, all genders are still "him" according to Nathan, hehe!) "sausage"! I don't know where that came from, but I LOVE it! Matthew waited through alllll of Samuel's pregnancy wanting to call him "crispy" but Arthur had already chosen "cornflake", so we went with Cornflake for Samuel, before we know he was a Samuel! :) Matthew was so good about it, but he kept on mentioning his choice of name right to the end of my pregnancy, and even told a midwife that NEXT time the new baby would be "crispy" :) So I promised him that if God blessed me with another baby in my tummy, we could call it Crispy. As soon as he saw the pregnancy test yesterday, his first comment was, "This one's Crispy!!!" He was so happy and excited!

Matthew was playing with cars on the floor when Nathan said we should call "him" Sausage, and immediately clasped his hands to his chest and gasped, and said, "That's a GREAT name, Nathey! Let's call him Sausage!" He was just beaming, and I fell in love with him all over again because of how generous and kind and encouraging he is after his long wait. He still loves "crispy" but how lovely of him to give up that idea for Nathan's suggestion, because he likes that one too. I am just so proud of him for that! I talked to him about it, and asked if he was sure. He said "Yes! But it's not a girl, it's a boy, and he's Sausage!" :) Nathan hugged himself happily and immediately began to use Sausage's name in context: "Mummy, how big is Sausage right now?", "Mummy, when will Sausage come out of your tummy?", etc. So precious, and I LOVE the name for this tiny one! Arthur came downstairs at this moment, happy with the name and started using it right away to refer to the baby. We all love it, and it feels natural somehow when I talk to them to say, "Sausage is too small to see right now" instead of "the baby", which I was doing before.

When Neil came downstairs a couple of minutes later, Nathan was smiling so big when he proudly told him, "Daddy! We're going to call the baby Sausage! And he's DEFINITELY a girl." hehehe! Followed immediately by Matthew's, "No way, BOY!" So bizarre to have children old and enthusiastic enough to be arguing about the baby's gender, and fun to have a difference of opinion amongst them this time!

I told my mum. I can't help myself, lol! I spoke to her on the phone last night and had EVERY intention of not telling her for a while, but right at the end of the phone call, she suddenly said, "You don't have any NEWS, that I don't know??" in a certain tone! I was caught off guard and said, "Uhhm, ah, uh, well!... ummm, oh you've put me on the spot now!" hehe! So not good at keeping secrets! The main thing is, I CAN NOT lie to my mummy! So she said, "What news is it?" and I laughed and said, "Oh, you know.... uhhmmm...." Brilliant communicator, I am. She waited. I finally said that I didn't think I was having a period after all (she knew a couple of nights before that I was having an unsually heavy/long one), and she said, "Oh?" So I told her about the tiredness, and the high temp after feeling warm in the morning when I woke up, and talking to Neil about it, and finally getting a test out and finding a strong positive result. I told her I am still bleeding. She said, "What do you think's going on then?" and I said, "I think I am pregnant! And hopefully the bleeding is just my usual thing and it will go away and all will be fine." She seemed FINE about it - gasp! She didn't say or imply or muffle anything negative at all, I'm so happy! Maybe she felt it inside but for once kept it to herself? I don't know. But she was very supportive and sweet. She said, "I won't congratulate you yet, if that's okay... I think I will feel safer about doing that when the bleeding stops." And that's okay. She's a worrier. But then she said, "I won't count this one yet!" And I told her, "Well *I* will!" and laughed to keep it light-hearted. I said, "It's still a baby to me, even this early, and I am going to celebrate it with joy whether I miscarry or not!" She accepted that, but can't see it the same way herself apparently. Anyway, overall, a surprisingly lovely reaction from my mummy! :) Tonight she congratulated me properly when I told her my spotting is lighter :) She did not want to hear my due date yesterday, but she was happy to hear it tonight on the phone. She also said she told Daddy, and he is very happy, though he was stressed-out and under pressure over a meal going wrong in the kitchen when she told him last night, and apparently he used the "F" word :S She assures me that was entirely due to food-related pressure, and he's truly happy that I'm pregnant! ;)

Okay, I have a week to get through starting in not-too-many hours, and I need to put away my school prep stuff and go to bed. This week I have to find a time to see my GP and book in for my pregnancy - how I wish I could do it over the phone, lol! So difficult to haul all the little ones out, and the waiting rooms are getting much germier now too, ugh. We are all going to the doctor's surgery anyway on Wednesday afternoon for 3 of the boys to have vaccinations - oh yay! ;) Sadly not a time when the GP surgery is running, but oh well. I REALLY don't want to make any morning commitments because I want to keep mornings strictly for homeschool only. My GP only works mornings so I would have to see somebody else if I went in the afternoon.... lots to think about. I know I have to do it this week - they get "booked up" fast and you're supposed to go as soon as you test positive around here. Wednesday also marks 5 weeks, and that's the exact day that I started morning sickness last time around (earlier than my others at 5w6d). I have no real plan!!! Aaaargh! My mum wanted to know two things, pretty much straight away in our conversation this evening:

* Where are you going to put this one?

* How are you going to manage while you're pregnant?

So obviously I have no answers, because I don't know! The answer to #1 is pretty much going to revolve around, God will provide - either financially for a bigger home, or creatively for a space saving solution in our current tiny home. I already have an idea for fitting 5 little boys in the bigger bedroom (which currently holds 4 in two bunk-style beds) without adding any more furniture to it, but it's a bit... out there, lol!

The answer to #2 is pretty much going to revolve around, God will provide. Oh did I say that already?! ;) Well, He will! Energy, help, "a way", something. He will. I have no plan of my own to lean on, which is handy because I'm not supposed to lean on my own understanding, but to trust in the LORD with all my heart. I know He will lift me up and enable me, and I am going to watch and wait to see Him bless me and be glorified. Yes, I have my doubting moments. No, that doesn't make any difference. I wrote all my jumbled up thoughts in my latest blog entry at my main blog, which goes into more detail than I have time for here tonight. Anyway, I am trusting God. I have no idea how I will manage! But I know God is good, and I can trust Him! :)

MUST go to bed!!! Back soon though! :)

Uhhmmm, seems I have some news! ;)

2011-09-17T14:23:00.005+01:00

So I am on CD11 today. You know, after the 6 day luteal phase last cycle (same as the cycle before). I am having an unusual period. I'm STILL bleeding, although it has been more like dark brown spotting these last couple of days. I have had more days of heavier red bleeding than I ever do (usually my periods are pretty light), but without much cramping at all, thankfully.

This week is the 2nd week of full-on homeschooling, and I am TIRED. Tired enough by the end of the week to dwell on it a bit. I am just BONE bone bone tired, not sleep-deprived tired, just physically utterly knackered from like 10 inches deep under diaphragm. I felt like that in the 2 days before my period arrived as well, and told Neil about it at the time, saying that I thought my period would show up (or that I was in early pregnancy) because it was not the sleep-dep type of tiredness, but the hormonal type that I know and love so well, lol! Well, that's STILL how I feel. I figured it was the loooong period plus homeschooling, plus naughtily having late late nights every night this week. Of course it could easily be that.

Yesterday I noticed a spot next to my nose, and another on my forehead. That really caught my attention because I NEVER get hormonal spots (and these were they) unless I am getting a period or am pregnant. They clear up right after I start my period, like in the next 24 hours or so. This is an absolute dead cert for me. So I wondered why I had those spots.

I have not temped since getting my period because my temp dropped so incredibly low the day I got my period (7dpo) - I mean, it dropped a couple of degrees C! Look, here's my chart as it was when my period started 11 days ago:

and then I started bleeding heavily, so I knew not to bother temping until nearer to ovulation. But this morning when I woke, the first thing I thought as I lay on my back was that I felt warm. Post-ovulation warm - I have become pretty tuned to it over the years. Sometimes I'm wrong, but.... I can't put my finger on it exactly, or describe it to you - I just have a slightly burny feel deep inside my throat and head and chest, that makes me think my core temp is the type of high that I only get when I have ovulated. So immediately I grabbed my thermometer which was next to the bed, and temped. I got 36.84!!! VERY much a post-ovulatory temp, and a high one at that! I wondered, completely stumped, whether perhaps I was unwell in some way and that's why I had a slightly higher temp than my body should be exhibiting given that I had not ovulated yet. I thought that also might account for how WIPED I felt despite waking from a night's sleep and having been blessed with a lie-in this Saturday morning!

I went down to Neil and we talked about it. He said he had a dream that I had a proper temperature (fever) the other night. He also said that maybe I had better be thinking of girl names. I said, "WHAAAAT?!" and he said he had prayed that if I get pregnant again, that it would be twin girls! Not that he wants girls and no more boys, but just that... I don't know why! I said, "But, but... that isn't possible! I am still finishing my period, and there's NO denying it's a period." I told him about it, and agreed it didn't seem likely that I could be pregnant. How I wished I had a test in my drawer to just confirm it for me, so that I could get on without such a crazy notion in the back of my mind, lol!

The more I thought about it, the more I wondered - oh, you know what I'm like, hehe! Even in the face of NO WAY IS IT POSSIBLE, NOT EVER, NUH-UH! it's still something I wonder about if the thought strikes me, lol! So I got to thinking about the spots, and the tiredness.... and the fact earlier in the week there were two nights running where Neil and I ate late after the boys, and we had lasagne and garlic bread one night, and fish and rice and veg the other night. BOTH meals I LOVE and can always finish, but both nights I could not. I just felt too full way before I could finish the plateful, even though I was hungry before the meal. I commented at the time to Neil, who said maybe it's because I've lost weight (?! not sure of this logic!) or something - it has been really coming off me lately, without doing anything towards it. This happens after the 8 month mark PP, when I am still breastfeeding, and it doesn't make a difference whether I change my diet or do any exercise. I don't lose it before 6 months, and can't keep it ON after 8 months, lol! Anyway, I am now at the 9 stone mark, lighter than I was before I got pregnant with Samuel AND Benjamin!

I tried frantically to think if there were any other signs, or what signs I NORMALLY get in early pregnancy but hadn't experienced in the last week or two, just to try and get a better picture of it in my mind. I know I get cramping and gassiness and eventually little ligament pains as an absolute rule with my pregnancies, in the two weeks or so after ovulation. If I was counting from ovulation, I would be 17 days past ovulation today. Well past testing time! I could not remember any ligament pains, although last night in bed when I did my gentle abs exercises, my lower back was sharp and painful when I did gentle pelvic tilts, which I hadn't had all the other nights before that. I thought I must have hurt my back somehow, which is still possible maybe. I wore Samuel in my back to the park in the Ergo twice over the last week, but it's the easiest way to carry weight on the back that I've ever found, so I didn't think I had strained myself in any way, even so.

I felt dizzy most of this morning, just swingy, but I put that down to the extreme exhaustion I was feeling. I HAVE felt crampy on and off, but will have taken absolutely NO notice of it whatsoever, since I'm bleeding and apparently having a period. I HAVE been gassy, but um, that isn't necessarily unusual *blush* ;)

Suddenly I remembered the "weirdly soft skin" confirmation that I always get, and gasped out to Neil, "Is my skin soft?!!!" he put his hands to my cheeks and said with an excited tone, "Maybe!!"

As soon as Samuel had woken from his nap and the boys had finished lunch, I left Neil watching them and went to rummage through all my drawers in the hope (ohhhh the HOPE!) of finding a leftover pregnancy test. And I DID!!! And it was in date! In fact I think there were two in the box, but I didn't notice too well because of my excitement at finding one and grabbing it and running to the bathroom, lol! ;)

I heard Neil start to change a nappy in the living room for someone, and grabbed a glass from a night-time drink which I tipped out and peed in right away. I had already been for a wee that morning but I knew that I would know for sure one way or another even without first morning urine, if I was really at 17DPO. In my head it seemed daft, I could see I was obviously having my period, and everything was in the usual place for that to have happened (appropriate DPO for my period to have shown up, big temp drop to coincide, heavy-but-normal period since, etc), but I felt indescribably excited. I put that down to association! ;)

I peed in the glass, and I dipped the stick and put it on the side of the bath. As the pink swept across the window, IMMEDIATELY a pink line showed up before the pink sweep even got to the control line area. I knew I had to wait until the pink sweep faded, but already I knew I was looking at a positive pregnancy test, and the weird thing is, I did not feel that surprised! I just felt too too joyful and happy and excited to even be able to describe to you! :D I waited. The window cleared. The control line showed up pink. The test line remained almost as pink as the control line! A STRONG BFP!!!!

I said, "Um, Neil?!" and he called up, "Yeah?" and then repeated himself in a more concerned tone. I came downstairs where he was changing Samuel's nappy on the floor with all the boys sitting around listening to a story tape from my childhood collection. I held the stick out from the stairs and said, "Can you see this from there?!" He said, "Two lines?!!" and I said, "Yes! I can't believe it!" and just laughed. He looked kind of shocked, hehe, but couldn't stop smiling :) I asked him if we should show the boys, who were so engrossed in the story that they hadn't stopped to hear what we were talking about. So I called their attention and showed them the stick. They know what those are! ;) I asked Arthur and Matthew how many lines they could see. Arthur peered at it and said, "TWO!!!! YAAAAAAAY!!" They immediately knew there was a baby growing in my tummy and were so happy and excited! They were full of questions, asking how long the baby had been growing in there, and what his (it's all they know, lol!) name was going to be, and so on.

The first thing we did once we could stop them jumping and yelling, was to get everybody to sit down on the sofa or the floor, and I told them that this baby is so unexpected, and that makes it an extra special gift from God. I told them we are going to stop and pray immediately to say thank you to God for such a precious gift to us, and they closed their eyes and I prayed. My voice was shaking as I was praying, just thanking God, and asking for a healthy pregnancy - I just suddenly felt overcome with how surreal it felt and what a shock it was to suddenly realise out of NOWHERE that I am pregnant! I mean, this has never happened before! I am always right on the ball, watching my chart, keeping track minute-by-minute (you know I'm not kidding ladies, lol!) of every possible sign or symptom as I wait for the chance to test, usually way too early! It's really really strange to me to have arrived at 17DPO with NOT A CLUE that I might be pregnant all this while! I knew there was a high chance of conception, but not much chance at all of my luteal phase sustaining it.

AH! I've just realised that I had BAD cramps in my luteal phase, remember from a couple of entries back?!!! Aha, how vindicated I feel, lol! I ONLY get those during my luteal phase when pregnant, and I ended my last "cycle" saying that it was a first for me, to have had bad cramps and still got my period. Inside I wondered if I had conceived, started implantation and then got my period, and THAT was why I had bad cramps, but I did not want to say that because it looks like I ALWAYS get my period saying, "Oh I am sure I was pregnant but just got my period anyway!" and that must get annoying to keep hearing! ;)

Anyway, after the excitement, I kept the test in my hand - I just didn't want to put it down. I still haven't stopped shaking, or praising God, or smiling, and I just keep saying out loud, "I just can't BELIEVE it!" and laughing! :)

Here's the test!

I'm trying to merge my two cycles together (this one and the last one where I conceived) at Fertility Friend so that I can make them into one whole cycle. Once FF has let me do that I will be able to see my due date, but I suspect Nicola has been right on the money predicting a May 2012 baby! ;)

Okay, FF has merged my charts (I had to manually correct ovulation as it had disappeared in the merge!) and I have a due date of May 23rd 2012!!! That's a 17 month gap again between babies, how lovely! Or maybe just a bit less - Samuel will only turn 17 months old 2 days before my due date. I love the month of May to have a baby - a spring baby! I haven't had a spring baby before! :D Yay yay yay!

So I must be 4 weeks and 3 days pregnant today, with my "week change" day being a Wednesday :) I can't believe it, I can't believe it, I can't BELIEVE it! I'm so so so so happy and joyful and thankful, and oh I just can't believe it! SIX children! I'm so blessed. Thank you Lord! :)

[edited to add - just remembered, as always please do not mention my pregnancy on Facebook if you know me there! I don't want friends and family to know yet, and will announce it in due course! Thanks! :) ]

Short luteal phase!

2011-09-08T00:07:00.002+01:00

This morning my temperature dropped like a STONE, so I knew I would definitely be getting my period! I felt soooo nauseous last night, ugh, and dizzy/headachy. This morning when I woke up I started to feel nauseous literally the moment I opened my eyes, and then when I temped I was quite nervous about the day ahead, mid-way through the first full week of properly homeschooling this term! :S

I have continued to feel dizzy and kind of delicate through the day, and because I knew my period would show up, I determined to take the day by the horns and try to get all the important stuff done as early as possible so as to have breathing room if I felt hideous later in the day. So proud of myself because everyone was dressed and fed by 8am, and we had finished all of school by lunchtime! :) I had time to bake brownies with Matthew, and make dinner on time for the boys. They were dressed for bed with teeth cleaned when Neil arrived home from work, and STILL my period had not arrived.

By that time I was feeling queasy again, which quickly progressed to really yucky nausea once the boys were in bed, and I couldn't eat any dinner. I just feel exhausted, physically, to my absolute BONE today. So very different to any level of overtiredness, this hormonal tiredness. I couldn't remember if that was normal for me before a period, and since it was so extreme I wondered if there was still a chance it could be maaayyyybe pregnancy related?

Anyway, eventually this evening I took a left-over anti-sickness pill that I was prescribed when I had my kidney stone, and felt better enough for some cereal an hour or so later. Right after which, my period turned up! :) So, another cycle begins, and I'm quite surprised at the bad cramping I've had - that's the first time I've ever had bad cramps that went away again in my luteal phase, outside of being pregnant. It does lead me to wonder that I probably conceived, but I guess there's no point thinking about that. I'm also surprised that my luteal phase is STILL only 6 days long - same as last cycle.

Still, God's timing, God's timing... and I'm happy when I think of it like that! Perfectly happy! :) Thanks for the sweet comments last entry! So nice to have people cheering me on, hehe! I will be back in a few weeks! :)

6DPO

2011-09-06T21:37:00.002+01:00

My temp did go up again this morning after yesterday's dip. I was dreaming that I was trying to figure out which thermometer to use to temp with, when Neil woke me this morning, haha! ;)

I have had about 30 mins of bad cramps for a burst this morning, and then again just after lunch time, but nothing else. Over the rest of that time, I had no cramping whatsoever.

However! It's evening now, and I am now feeling like I am going to get my period sometime soon. I feel very very tired, and mildly crampy (not the bad cramps that I had earlier in the day and yesterday - they were worse yesterday than today actually). Right around 6.30pm I SUDDENLY out of the blue became really irritable and impatient, and after about 10 minutes of being unnecessarily snappy with my children, I started to ask myself what on earth was going on! It does seem rather PMS-like to me. Then I came down from putting little ones to bed and started to read Arthur a story, and realised I was getting a headache. Within a few minutes I had to stop reading to go and take some painkillers, just because it was a weird sort of heavy headache that did not feel nice at all. It's still here anyway, which is something I remember from the 24 or so hours before a period starts sometimes. I can't remember if the pre-period headaches have a specific feel, or if this is it, but anyway. It's not an "it's been a long day" headache, so I think it's probably hormonal, and thus indicative of my period on its way. I feel pretty nauseous this evening as well - maybe headache-related? I don't know. And I felt a bit dizzy around the boys' bedtime.

Those are the only things of note! Oh and I did feel weepy over a couple of different story books for really little ones that I was reading to Nathan and Benjamin this afternoon. DEFINITELY hormones, that one! ;)

So if my temperature drops in the morning then maybe I will get my period the same day? I do know that my pre-period headaches tended to last quite a while - at least 8 hours and painkillers don't work whatsoever. I often wake up with them still there if they only just start before bed, which I do not relish with the day ahead of me! It's our first week of really knuckling down again with school ("back" to school, though we haven't really stopped over the summer, just did a bit here and a bit there depending on organisation and so on) and a dizzying, painful period would throw a spanner in the works a bit! Hopefully it will be perfectly manageable! I think my last period was, but then I was on strong painkillers around the clock for my kidney stone, so who knows! ;) If I do get my period tomorrow then my luteal phase will not have lengthened at all from last time, which is a bit unusual for me at this stage postpartum. By now, my luteal phase is usually lengthening by a day or two days every cycle - each cycle always has a luteal phase longer than the previous one, and at 8 months PP I am never still on a luteal phase as short as just 6 days... But timing isn't important - except for God's! :)

I will update tomorrow!

5DPO

2011-09-06T00:14:00.002+01:00

Bonjour again, Blogger! :) So, me rambling about my luteal phase, far too late at night - familiar times?! ;)

Well, I'm 5DPO today. This morning my temp dipped quite a bit, and looking at last cycle the same exact thing happened at 5DPO, followed by a MUCH bigger dip the next day at 6DPO, and then my period the day after. My chart looks very much like last cycle's chart as far as temps go! I will wait and see about tomorrow's. I do sort of hope my LP will be longer this time - I like getting back to normal.

I am totally NOT looking out for pregnancy symptoms, because I am fully expecting a short luteal phase. I want to make note of some stuff about today though, for future reference. I had some mild crampiness this morning, sort of like I might in the run up to ovulating or getting my period maybe. At around 3 or 3.30pm, I started to feel much more crampy. It seemed to come on over maybe a 5 minute period, that's all. At the time I was in the kitchen getting snacks and I remember wondering if the distracting crampiness meant that I should chart mild cramps or bad cramps. I was VERY hesitant to call them bad cramps because historically I have only ever had bad cramps when I have been pregnant during my luteal phase, but that does include chemical pregnancies too. I don't want to go out there yelling, "BAD CRAMPS, WOOHOO!!!" every time I'm X-DPO and Neil and I have so much as looked at each other in the run-up to ovulation! ;) But, me and bad cramps in the luteal phase.... they have only happened so far due to pregnancy. So I was hesitant, and also not even sure they were bad enough.

I got the snacks and went into the living room. The crampiness continued just steady, and it wasn't that bad, just distracting. After they ate snacks, we set about building a massive Duplo house (to go with our Letter H activity today) with alllll the Duplo bricks the boys have. It took us over an hour, while Samuel was napping! So much fun! :) About half an hour into that time, I was in absolutely no doubt whatsoever that I was having BAD cramps. It felt like my period had started, and I was beginning to feel queasy with it too. The crampiness stayed exactly the same for the next few hours, until maybe 8pm-ish. During that time I was nauseous most of the time, but it was like when I have period cramps sometimes, I feel queasy with them. The cramps didn't come in waves, they just felt vice-like and hot. I also felt crampy through the small of my back on my right side.

After 8pm-ish I realised I had ZERO crampiness - after putting the boys to bed, I think... I can't remember exactly when it must have eased off, but it was gone! :) I also didn't feel yucky any more in my tummy, just hungry for dinner. I had been really bloated before so maybe it made me feel queasy? Sometimes that happens. Anyway, all evening I have had no cramps, not even if I think about it REALLY hard, lol! Until about 15 minutes ago (just after midnight - I know I'm naughty staying up so late!), when the bad (definitely bad) cramps started up again. I feel queasy with them again, but not too bad. I am just going to go to bed now, but I wanted to post about the cramps.

Nothing else of note though, I don't think... I have been kind of sensitive to noise again today, for whatever reason, but it has been okay. I have the odd spot that I only ever get with hormones (usually pre-period, but once or twice in early pregnancy - these are just plain HORMONES though, whichever way!). I will see what my temp is tomorrow. If it's down then I suppose I will get my period with a similar length luteal phase to last cycle, and set a new thing with bad cramps in the run-up to a period. I will update tomorrow! :)

Quick 4DPO note...

2011-09-05T00:47:00.003+01:00

Just to update and say that NOW I have ovulated! Of course FF has changed their completely wrong date to an appropriate one, and I'm now 4 days past ovulation. I didn't ovulate this cycle until Cycle Day FORTY!!! Yikers!

My last cycle had a luteal phase of 6 days, so I would maybe expect to improve that by a couple of days at best this cycle? I can't remember how quickly it lengthened after previous babies, and should just go and check my charts, but it's late and I must go to bed! We have a very good chance of conception this cycle (parsnips 2 days before ovulation), and I tend to presume that conception has occurred (as in, sperm meets egg) if there's a good chance, going by our history. The only thing is that it's unlikely that my body is ready to sustain it because of my short luteal phase, as usual when my cycles are returning to normal.

Right now my temps are climbing nicely. I am unusually tired and weepy over things like noise from the kiddies, but that doesn't mean much. Nothing else of note, and I am just waiting to see how long my luteal phase will be this time. I so HOPE it would be long enough to sustain what might have begun, but I know it's very unlikely! Ah well! It's good to have more time, and I know God's timing is perfect anyway!

That is all for now! Wow, a GENUINELY quick post (gasp!)! ;) I will be back soon though!

No, I haven't ovulated!

2011-08-30T17:08:00.003+01:00

So, Fertility Friend says I have ovulated four days ago, but it knows nothing! ;) I'm currently on Cycle Day FORTY or something near that mark! Crazy late for me, except not this time PP somehow. Hope that's not ominous (eg. early menopause or anything like that! :S )! I am still ovulating, just late, and then my LP is still really short.

I *think* I am ovulating today, but time will tell. I have had EWCM for a good few days, and today I have what my dim memory recalls as ovulation pain - BUT I might be wrong, so I will just have to wait and see. I am temping now so I can tell for sure, and my temps are still low right now.

Now I am really starting to get the anticipated baby fever! ;) Funny how it's not seriously there at 6 or 7 months PP, but always always kicks in somewhere after the 8 month mark! I have the sweetest, most darling little baby on my lap (albeit fidgetty and slightly cranky due to both naps being ended early by NOISY brothers who were busy not obeying Mummy!), who I would LOVE to bless with a baby brother or sister. Oh how I would love to see him become a big brother!! :)

The feeling of one missing is getting stronger and stronger all the time. Neil seems fine about one more, if a little, "Are we CRAZY?!?!" at times! ;) I know God may say no. I am doing a lot of praying about it right now. Like I said last entry, more time would be easier, but the other day I was thinking and praying about it... There's just no way that I want to turn down the potential for more children even for a short time, when I have so few years left before this season will be over. It will come in the blink of an eye, I know it. I KNOW that if God is pleased to bless us again with a baby sooner than later, He absolutely will enable me, even if things are hard for a while. I am never going to look back at the end of my life and wish that I had had fewer children because we had "too many" in a small house, or not enough money to be at ease financially, or because I felt overwhelmed and exhausted most days for a year or two. Those things are just piffle in the grand scheme of things - BIG at the time, yes, but when I have my perspective in order many years later, and can look back, the trials over it will see trifling and the children we have around us as a result (and their relationships with each other) will be utterly utterly, can't-even-describe-how-much worth it. So bring it on, please Lord! :) I love love love having a large family, as mine is now becoming! It's a treasure more than anything I could imagine when I only had a couple of kiddies. I'm so blessed, and excited about the possibility of more little blessings!

CD30 - thoughts and kidney stones...

2011-08-21T21:01:00.008+01:00

Sooo, my urine infection that I wrote about last entry was not a urine infection after all. Turned out to be a kidney stone, and the three weeks that followed my entry was pretty dreadful. MUCH more bleeding, and finally excruciating pain and an ambulance trip to the hospital, where I stayed overnight to get my pain under control following diagnosis of a kidney stone with an X-ray. I sort of existed for two weeks as they did nothing about it, just sent me home with the strongest painkillers I could take whilst breastfeeding (it would take something far worse than a kidney stone to stop me breastfeeding!), and Neil had to use up two weeks of holiday time to look after the boys for me. Finally had the stone blasted with shock waves (lithotripsy) and it worked, hooray! It took me a week or so to recover physically all the same, and I am not convinced about my kidney (which was in a bad way, being completely blocked by the stone and swollen up hugely with urine) even now, as I am still having mild pain there...

ANYWAY! So glad to be past that! My temperature dropped the morning before I went into hospital (at 5DPO - still very short luteal phase), so I expected to get my period that day, but I didn't, and I still didn't the day I went into hospital either! I was so glad, because I really didn't need the complication of my period starting while I was unable to move at all due to pain in A&E for 5 hours! The next morning on the ward, the nurses changed my sheets and sent me to get washed in the adjoining bathroom (oh I was so nervous to move!), and THAT'S where I discovered my period had started. Good thing there were no beds on the urology ward, so I had been put on the gynae ward, lol! Plenty of sanitary wear there for someone who only remembered to take what she was wearing into the ambulance with her! ;)

Since then, I have paid the LEAST attention to my cycle that I've EVER paid to any of my cycles, hehe! I just have had no idea where I'm at in terms of Cycle Day, have completely ignored my CM, and have not even thought about temping. All I know is the date of my LMP because they kept asking me for it before I had X-rays to check on the kidney stone over the weeks. Recently I started to wonder where my period might be, and for that matter ovulation! It was beginning to feel like a while since I had had my period. So I went to my chart, updated my last cycle and started charting the last few days - I have no idea about earlier in this cycle, except that I think I had EWCM for a few days around CD14 (two weeks after my period started I think I was aware of that, and thought it was a bit early for me to ovulate yet or something), so I charted that to be aware of it. Haven't really noticed anything much since, so I presumed I haven't ovulated yet. When I checked my chart I found that I'm on Cycle Day THIRTY already!!! Wow, late ovulation! UNLESS I already did ovulate when I wasn't paying attention, and now I'm waiting for my period to start. I was so moody yesterday, enough for it to possibly be PMS... Anyway, I will have to wait and see. The only thing of note today is that I don't think I actually HAVE ovulated yet because I temped at last and got 35.6 (really low, and typical for a pre-ovulatory temp for me), and also I have had EWCM today! Maybe I'll actually ovulate in a few days? Who knows! My cycles are pretty wacky since Samuel, even though they started back earlier than ever. This time "last baby" (!), my cycles had been settling down for some months, and I had had a couple of chemical pregnancies (possibly three?) already, in a row. Samuel is 8 months old today. Benjamin was 8 months old when Samuel was conceived!

My body is NOT in the same place as it was last time, yet! ;) My ovulation is late every cycle, and my luteal phase is still really short. So I will wait and see how it goes.

I am juuuust beginning to get that feeling in my ovaries, lol! ;) That one where I feel hopeful and wistful about maybe getting pregnant again. Before 8 or 9 months, I want to have more babies, but the idea of doing so RIGHT NOW is kind of scary! I'm transitioning into the next stage! :) The other odd thing is that for the last couple of weeks I keep thinking a child is missing all the time. Not the "I knew that we were missing a child in our family..." thing that people say. I mean literally! I get Samuel down from a nap, and they're all playing on the living room floor and then I suddenly have a moment where I leap up panicking because, "Where's the baby?!" Not Samuel - I know he's there. I glance at the video monitor to the room he sleeps in and he's not there, so although I SEE him on the floor, something in me has a moment of, "Where's the baby?!!" Maybe it's because he's growing up - he started pulling to kneeling and then standing this week, and attempted to cruise at the bookshelf this morning. He's eating everything we eat, rocking on hands and knees, and army crawling everywhere at speed. He has no teeth, a head full of sweet blonde hair, and personality emerging left, right and centre. I LOVE HIM!!!

I sometimes do a quick mental count of the boys as they're rushing around in the house, and I get that, "Where's the other one?!!" feeling clutching at my throat again, even though I counted five, and I KNOW I have five children, not six. And you know when you mentally plan things out in a spare moment while you're doing some other task? Well I will be thinking something like, "If I use workboxes for the boys and colour-code them, I could start with red, orange, yellow and green because only four of them will be needing workboxes right now... Once all six of them are old enough, I can add blue and purple..." Spot the mistake! ;) I never do until the complete thought or phrase is out there, and then I think - SIX?! Where did that come from?!! ;)

This is all the stuff that happened when I had two, just Matthew and Arthur, and Matthew was about 7 or 8 months old. I kept referring to the boys as "all three of them" when thinking ahead to future events, or wondering where the baby was when I could see the two of them starting to play together more. I don't think it's a stage of development coincidence, because Matthew was crawling, cruising, etc, far earlier than Samuel. Anyway, I am filled with gladness at the possibility that it might mean that another child is meant for us! Neil had the same feelings as I do with the others (missing child, counting up and still feeling like one's missing, etc), and I haven't thought to ask him whether he's feeling the same again yet.

I just need a little more time to get my body in better condition - I need to start exercising regularly, and haven't been able to due to being set back with illness every few weeks since April (aaaaargh!!!) - no viruses for a good while now, but dang that kidney stone!!! ;) Also I need a little more time to establish homeschooling well this year, and iron out the creases (to make a HUGE understatement, lol!) of having two toddlers/pre-schoolers and a baby AS WELL as two children of school age who need to be doing proper homeschooling now. I'm trying to figure out a schedule for our days as well, and I need time to implement it all. So much so that I have actually prayed that God would allow us a little more time before blessing us with another baby. I WANT Him to! But just a LITTLE more time, that's all. If I get pregnant this cycle, I will rejoice so very very much! :) There's no "worse" option for me at all. A little more time would be a little more space to breathe, that's all. And I don't NEED that. So very glad to turn it all over to God and trust Him entirely! God is good, all the time! :D

Well, I'll try to update briefly (ha!) now and then to keep track of my cycles, especially since the months are passing by now and I'm getting near to the time when all my other babies were conceived (Matthew - 10 months postpartum after Arthur; Nathan - 11 months PP; Benjamin - 9 months PP; Samuel - 8 months PP). I am not even sure what my last luteal phase length was exactly (6 days??) or whether it should even be counted as that long, given that my temp had dropped down for the last two days of that time. Definitely not long enough to support a pregnancy even if conception was to occur. This cycle, who knows? Maybe another 6 day luteal phase? Maybe 7 or 8? Still not long enough, but I will keep track and keep this journal updated about it as I go along.

Thanks for reading, if you are! It's nice to have folks still follow along with my less-than-sane ramblings over my bodily functions, haha! ;) Back soon!

Random pregnancy test

2011-07-13T22:49:00.004+01:00

Well I did not ovulate when I said I thought I was, last entry! It was very weird because I had all my classic ovulation signs, and even the very familiar ovulation pain at the end of it all. I started taking my temperature in the mornings right away and have managed to keep that up consistently, but all my temps since then have been my typical pre-ovulation temps, so I was pretty sure I hadn't ovulated.

I have somehow got myself a bit of a horrid urine infection at the moment. I woke up with blood in my urine on Saturday and became increasingly unwell-feeling and crampy with backache during the day, so by the evening I was worried enough about my kidneys (I have a history, and resulting scar tissue in my kidneys) to phone the out-of-hours doctor, who told me to go to the urgent care clinic at the hospital right away. My kidneys turned out to be okay (they are not painful when squished by a doctor, haha!) but they put me on a 3-day course of antibiotics. The doctor asked me when my last period was, and then asked if there was any chance I could be pregnant - I guess they ask just as a routine thing when it comes to prescribing medicine. So I said yes, as there was a teensy chance. He asked permission to do a pregnancy test so I said yes to that as well. I knew there was next to no chance of it being positive but ohhh, it's just inbuilt isn't it, lol! I had that slight adrenaliney joyful feeling sitting there waiting for the test to cook so he could tell me the result! :) He said the pregnancy test was negative, and added, "Which I guess is no bad thing!" given that I'd just told him I am breastfeeding a 6-month-old and have 4 other young children! ;) My grandparents saw us the next day and knew about my poor bladder, so asked worriedly about what the doctor had said and what tests he had done. I mentioned that he'd done a pregnancy test which was negative, and they made a big deal of it being wonderful news, and congratulations, etc! *sigh* Hey ho! I'm lately caring less and less what anyone else thinks, which is healthy and MUCH less stressful! :) Neil says if we have another baby, we are NOT telling my family until like the WEEK before the baby is born, hehe! They're not terribly bad about it, just not that happy at first, and we could do without that I guess.

Anyway, so the test was negative, of course. At the end when I was about to leave with the prescription, I hesitated and said, "And the pregnancy test was definitely negative, right?" Hehe! He gave me an amused smile and walked over to check it again, and held it up, saying, "Just one line!" I just said, "Right. Okay. Just checking!" :) Neil had been asking (pestering!) me to take a pregnancy test in the couple of days beforehand, because he thought I was giving off "pregnant vibes" - I was more irritable and moody in a hormonal way (apparently!), and felt a bit queasy and gaggy at things easily. I was crampy as well. I wonder now if that was just early signs of this UTI? Probably, as those are common symptoms (well, not the moodiness!).

So I am still waiting to ovulate. I think I am somewhere in the 30s in terms of my Cycle Day now. I have lately been having some EWCM again and so I think my body is gearing up for another "go" at ovulating. That seems to be common for me postpartum - I sometimes have a longer cycle where the first run-up to ovulation is fruitless, and then a bit later my body tries again and usually succeeds. Once it was 3 tries though, I think, before ovulation did occur - a VERY long cycle that time! Anyway, it's nice to be temping again, because I can know what my cycle is doing without wondering (and getting pestered to take pregnancy tests when I know I'm not pregnant yet!). I kept telling Neil that my temps were too low :) I think I should probably buy a cheapy pack of pregnancy tests though. Then I would have them ready for any time I really DO wonder in the future. I'll get around to that soon hopefully!

I still have my UTI, blah. STILL blood in my urine, and I hate that. It always bugs me to see blood where it shouldn't be! My sides ache like anything and that bothers me too, but I know how to squish my own kidneys and they aren't tender at all, so I guess it's bladder-related? I feel under the weather and tired and achy along with it. No fever though, thankfully. I finished my course of antibiotics yesterday, so when the symptoms were all still there today I went to the doctor. I had to take all the boys with me, and do a urine sample in one of those tiny 2cm diameter sample tubes (no funnel or anything useful like that!) in a public toilet at the doctor's surgery, with all 5 of my little ones around me! That was NOT fun! I did not have the pushchair with me and really had not thought it out well, as Samuel was in my arms! Thankfully the toilet had a fold-down baby changing mat in the wall next to the toilet, and I lay Samuel in that (it was sort of hammocky so he couldn't roll "up" and out), and had the boys stand around it and play peekaboo over the edge to keep Samuel amused. This kept Samuel more secure and their eyes busily on the baby instead of my antics, lol! I have never been more thankful to have been wearing an ankle-length skirt in my life, haha!

Samuel is now scooting, and scooting pretty fast! He started last week, and ramped up the speed this week. He fell off my bed the other evening and landed on his head, just before bedtime! :( I felt sooooooooo awful. I remember Matthew doing that and I felt terrible then too. He moved so much faster than I expected him to, and suddenly shows an interest in getting to the edge of the bed FORWARDS rather than rolling at it sideways, so that he can look down, and GET down. His interest in things is getting further and further afield from where he is positioned. He spends a lot of time roaming around the living room floor now, never mind the large number of boys around the place, lol! I always put him in the bouncy chair (which he has largely outgrown) or take him with me if I leave the room though. He is keen on paper and card, tissues, BABY WIPES (bleurgh!!), and fluff to chew on, hehe! Funny boy. He seeks all these things out and is coming on leaps and bounds with his fine motor skills practising pincering little bits of tissue or fluff off the laminate floor! He's like a royal at the moment, making his way around while his humble servant (me!) scuttles in front of him, bent over, sweeping his path clear the whole while, hehehe! Laminate floor is fabulous but boy does it need sweeping, especially if it has a wool rug on top of it which sheds as much as a sheep does on a daily basis! Tsk!

Samuel loves the laminate floor! He always starts on the rug where I put him, but he's off it as fast as he can go. He gets a lot further with each little scoot once he's on the laminate, and can swivel on his tummy ever so fast. His eyes get all big and bug out a bit with excitement at the speed sometimes, lol! He's such a sweet funny baby, and the boys spend so much time watching him and giggling! I have a video clip of him the day he started scooting, which I posted at Facebook. I will try to get it on OneTrueMedia.com so I can post it here:

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

There you go! :) It's a little snippet of an example of how the boys are SO involved with him at all times, constantly amused and excited by his activities and developments. They actually ARGUE about who is spending time with him sometimes, especially about who goes to see him when he wakes from his naps! They find all his expressions, noises, movements, etc, etc, so sweet and funny, even when they're not THAT sweet or funny! ;) Lovely boys!

They are hard work at the moment. I haven't written my other blog for AGES, and when I last did (as Jemma mentioned in her comment last entry), it was a not-too-descriptive brief entry about being in OVER MY HEAD with these children right now, and having no idea what to do about it! I felt a bit hopeless at the time! Things are a little better now that we're FINALLY not ill any more (although we're on Chicken Pox watch starting today for about 10 days! :) ) - it seemed like we were unwell in one way or another for EVER, and it really pulled me down energy-wise. I couldn't keep up with behaviour and school and housework and so on, and ugh. The boys' behaviour is difficult to manage but MUCH more so when they've been ill for an age themselves, OR better but still not doing much because siblings and parents are STILL unwell. Okay so I'm not feeling well right now because I have a UTI, BUT things are much better. We're doing school again consistently and the routine is helping a LOT. I still don't really know what to do about much, but that is okay because I was reminded recently that His grace is sufficient for me, and His strength is made perfect through weakness. BOY did that verse lift me up! I want to put it on the wall - I need to see it so often these days, because I am so very weak at this, and it's refreshing to be reminded where my strength comes from! And grace! Where would I be without it?! In the poo, that's where. Thank you Lord for GRACE! :)

I should be writing this at my other blog! I meant to follow-up, but never found time to do it. Anyway the reason I mentioned it here was to just say, even when things are feeling overwhelming, it really doesn't alter a thing when it comes to babies and getting pregnant. That is all in the Lord's hands. He knows what is best for our family much better than we do, and it is He who provides for our needs and enables us to even DO this job in first place. He will never give us more than we can bear, and it's His desire for us to be fruitful and have babies and babies and babies - I am so thankful! Even when it's hard, I am so thankful and joyfully expectant as I look forward to more! I hope He will bless us with more!

6 months postpartum update!

2011-06-28T23:37:00.002+01:00

Ohhh how ridiculously long it has been since I updated here!! Just no time, none at all! I can do little snatches of things online, but I always procrastinate when it comes to blogging because I always end up SO VERY long-winded, lol! And I don't have time to be long-winded, mostly. My laptop has had a rather unfortunate accident involving a glass of water (ahem), and has been away being fixed (oh I do so hope!!) for two weeks now. I'm so nervous that it won't be salvagable :( Anyway, meanwhile I have even less time online because of sharing the antique computer with Neil. BUT he brought a laptop home from work this week so I have a little more time than usual in the evenings! :)

So where were we?! I think Samuel was 8 weeks old last time I posted! He is now 6 months old and so verily scrumptious. I can't post photos because they're on my laptop (sob! though most are backed up, thankfully!) and so is all my camera software, so I'll have to wait to upload them when I get it back. There have been a few of him on my main blog since I last posted here though... I think?? I am not doing great at keeping up there either! :S

Samuel is so precious! He is wearing age 6-9 month clothes, and still squeezing into the larger 3-6 month ones. He is acting a bit teethy sometimes, but not too much. He bites on things really hard so I guess his teeth may be bothering him a little. Oh he's waking! I'll be back.

Back! I am not expecting him to cut any teeth yet, because none of his brothers have done so this early. The last two babies were nearly at their first birthdays before they cut their first tooth! Arthur was 8 months, and Matthew 7 months, so he could be more like them, or wait a good while longer yet! We'll see.

He's the most delightful, good-natured, easy-going baby! He rarely cries about anything, just fusses when tired or hungry. He beams and smiles at the slightest bit of attention, and not because he's short of it. He gets LOTS of attention, despite being the 5th child under 7 in this house! Oh his brothers LOVE him!! Especially Matthew. I wish I could show you the photos I took yesterday of Matthew loving on him. Matthew adores him, and spends as much time as he can with him. He will drop anything he's doing to run upstairs and be first to open Samuel's (my) bedroom door when he wakes from a nap - every single nap he takes! He loves going in and saying, "Hel-LO Samuel!" in a babytalk voice, as he approaches the bed, and seeing Samuel light up. Sometimes I want to tell Matthew NO! *I* want to be the first to get his sweet waking smile, hehe! But I let him. Sometimes I do get to see it though, and of course, I always always get the morning rays from that little man! :)

Samuel has still never slept a wink in a cot! My last three babies had all slept in a cot by now, Matthew from quite early on. Benjamin had his Amby Hammock of course, but he was in it for naps all the time from much earlier than Samuel's age. Samuel has my bed, and Benjamin's cot set up next to it (we bought a cabin bed to match the bunks in the boys' room, and Matthew sleeps on top of that, with a mattress on the floor for Benji underneath, and it worked VERY well from the get-go, so that's good!). Anyway, the cot just sits full of laundry, lol! I am SO enjoying co-sleeping with this sweet little baby. He breastfeeds on and off through the night, but who knows how often or how many times. All I know is it doesn't seem that frequent, but it's probably a few times - 2 or 3? I don't know. I mostly sleep! :) He does too, but I think I always smile, however sleepily, as I adjust my clothing to nurse him as he rolls in towards me in the dark. It's just so wonderful, so much more wonderful with each baby it seems, for me. I love love love and cherish it so very much that even half asleep I am just aware of smiling in the dark as I latch my sweetie pea on. Then I go to sleep, and when he's finished, so does he. In the morning he wakes me up and smiles at me. Gosh, I am blissful right now! :) Life is very full and hectic, and I am at my wit's end in some departments, but ohhhh the baby bliss!!! I happen to have a very "easy" baby, for which I am grateful as it makes things much easier for me, and I am enjoying having a little baby VERY much indeed! :)

Samuel is my first thumb-sucker! They have all had a short "go" at that, usually for a few weeks, and I've wondered if it would stick but it never did. Samuel sucks his thumb all the time really. He's the first of mine to self-soothe, and I think that is making life much easier. He is SO like Matthew in personality as a baby - laid-back and liking his sleep, and not wanting to snack snack snack on breastmilk like *some* little people have! ;) He only ever takes one breast for a full feed, and makes such an amusing face when I offer him more of the same or the other side after he's finished! He won't take any more, that's for sure, hehe! This week he has been nursing more frequently and wanting the other side, which he NEVER does, so I'm assuming (he's so easy to read!) that he's having a growth spurt. I think that's a typical occurance at 6 months, but I can't remember.

Anyway, he sucks his sweet little thumbie to go to sleep, ALWAYS. He nurses until full, pops off and rolls away and puts his right (always right) thumb in his mouth, all in one smooth movement. Then he sucks his thumb until he's asleep. He has been doing this for months now. He does often let his thumb go and roll back for a little more milk, and then repeats the pop off/roll/thumb. I have learnt to scarper out of the bedroom the moment he rolls away because lately he's a bit more restless if I hang around. If he rolls back and I'm there, he sort of pops on and off the breast, not wanting any more milk but getting fidgetty and fussy. If I am not there, I go quickly downstairs and watch him on the video monitor, and he rolls to where I was lying and settles there happily. It seems like I'm in his way once he's finished with milky and wants to sleep! ;)

I MISS him so much if he sleeps longer than 3 hours, day or night!! I always just want to wake him up and stroke his sweet little face or squeeeeeze him! He's so darling. Words can't describe how much I love him. I know all mamas feel this way about their tiny ones, but ahhhhhh how strong that feeling is!!! I wish I could record it properly here. Oh well.

Samuel's hair is growing in pretty well now. It doesn't stick straight up like Matthew's did! It lies flat, and has a little twist-curl at the middle of his forehead :) His hair is fair, like Matthew's - all the others have brown hair. I LOVE how like Matthew he is, especially given how much Matthew adores him. He is physically incredibly like Matthew to look at as well. We have photos for a screensaver on the antique computer, from when I was pregnant with Arthur until Nathan was just born. The baby photos of Matthew sometimes pop up and take our breath away because we have a hard time telling that it's not Samuel, even KNOWING it's not. We can see that it's Matthew, because it just IS, and he does have his own look, but otherwise... I think if these two were fraternal twins, they would constantly be mistaken for identical twins. It's hard to tell their baby photos apart sometimes, and seeing photos of Matthew a few months OLDER than Samuel is a weird experience. It sometimes looks like we're seeing a glimpse of what Samuel will look like cruising the furniture, or with more hair grown in, etc. Strange feeling! :) But I love how alike they are. Samuel's hair looks different in different light. From one angle it looks light brown, and from another it looks WHITE blonde. Mostly it just looks in between the two, or like both colours are mixed in there together. He still has a nice mullet of dark newborn hair, and at the sides too, haha! It's sweet but I will be happy when he's older and has lost the dark hair and only has his "proper" hair! We haven't really noticed that lingering newborn hair with the others because of their dark "proper" hair, and Matthew lost ALL his newborn hair in the first few months, so he didn't have this issue.

Samuel's eyes are currently blue blue blue, like Matthew's were, but just recently I am noticing a very subtle change around the pupils - the faintest hint of yellow/tan. I wonder if his eyes will turn out like Matthew's have - a sort of grey green with a tan ring around the pupil?

Samuel isn't crawling or anything near yet (Matthew and Nathan were crawling at 6 months, but Benjamin and Arthur not until 8 months). I guess he has spent less time freely roaming about the floor than the others, because of, well, the others! lol! We're STILL in our tiny 2-bedroom house. Space is limited for a little baby to be on the living room floor all the time. If I am in the room, I get him out of his bouncy chair and let him roll about on the floor. He LOVES the floor now. He would get tired of it and cry a month ago, quite quickly, but he loves it now. He is reaching and lunging forwards for toys, rolling all over the place, and swivelling round 360 degrees on his tummy. He started rolling months ago - at 3 months old I think - in both directions. I get nervous about him still napping on my bed, but we have a camera on him and make a pillow barrier all the way round the edges of the bed. Whatever we are doing downstairs, whether it's eating, doing school, housework - we always have his monitor right in front of us. If I am occupied at the washing machine or something like that, I often call a boy to check his monitor to see what he's doing, and they like reporting back to me. Pretty soon I think I will have to move him to the cot for naps though, to be safe.

He has started sitting without support this week! He did have the same 3 nights of HORRIBLY disturbed sleep that all my little ones have had before a brand new gross motor skill. Finally I have had enough kids and thus enough experience for me to actually recognise it BEFORE the motor skill emerged, lol! It's only taken me this long! ;) I felt triumphant when he sat up for the first time one day and promptly went back to normal sleep patterns! :) He is currently sitting steadily with support (me behind him, or in the activity ring that they've all used), and for 10 seconds or so without wobbling at all if he's chewing on a toy. The moment he reaches for something he topples though. He looks so much older suddenly, sitting up! :(

Samuel is my first baby NOT to have had any solid food upon turning 6 months old. I just am so content exclusively breastfeeding him, and HE seems completely happy. He isn't acting desperate for our food. He has been interested in it for a couple of months, watching us eat calmly but with interest. He reaches for food, but only in the same way that he reaches for the post, a toy, a pen, etc, if it's in my hand while he's on my lap. The other day I gave him a spoon to bite on, and he loved that. I sat eating an apple next to him, and he watched me. When I was down almost to the core, I held it out to him and asked him if he wanted a taste. He gave the apple a very calm look for the LONGEST time, as though he was interested but not that fussed. He didn't try to get it, and after a while just went back to chewing the spoon. The next time I held it out to him he was bored of his spoon and took it from me. He chewed hard on it but not like he wanted to consume or taste it, more like it was an ideal teether for his gums. He didn't seem too bothered about the taste either!

I was lamenting on Facebook that I wasn't looking forward to him turning 6 months and starting solids, because I was so enjoying exclusively breastfeeding him, and a couple of people replied to say THERE'S NO RUSH! :) So, I thought, why not wait a bit longer. And I have! :) Arthur's pestering me somewhat to give him a banana - he's looking forward to the milestone! When I do give him food it will be proper food, not purees, as we've done with the last three babies, but I am not in any hurry and don't particularly have a timescale for it. Right now I'm LOVING being his sole source of nutrition, and he seems completely satisfied so I'm happy. I have NO idea what he weighs! He hasn't been weighed since I was last writing entries here! I don't get chance to take him to drop-in centres for weighing, and I care less and less about what my babies weigh, what percentile they're at, and whether they are keeping to their curve, the more babies I have. I LOVE to know "stats" about my babies though, so that's the only nagging thought - I would like to know for that reason! :) But otherwise, pfthth. He will have a developmental check at around 8 months old, so he'll be weighed then, but that's probably it.

Ohhh there's probably SO much else to write about Samuel! But it's getting really late and I must go to bed!

I am on my 4th postpartum cycle now. Still can't believe how early it all started up again this time! I have been very loosely charting, only when my period arrives. I mostly forget to chart CM until LONG after the fact, and then I go back eventually and fill in the blanks where I can remember, but it's not that reliable! I chart what I can anyway. I think the last cycle was only a 3 day luteal phase - oh actually I think that was the one before. Last cycle, I'm not sure? I can't remember. Anyway. I am starting to chart more actively this cycle because I think I want more of an idea of what is going on with my body. I know I am ovulating, and that my luteal phase is short. Ovulation is getting a little earlier, and that's the time for me to start watching my cycles. Especially if parsnips are involved, so I'm starting to chart that too. I think there's almost zero chance of pregnancy right now because my luteal phases are very very short, and may well stay that way for a couple more cycles at least, but that's why I'm going to chart to find out. I am starting temping this cycle too, though I got started a little late. I think I might be ovulating today. I have been bloated all day, crampy increasingly through the evening, and the last 20 minutes I am pretty sure I am experiencing ovulation pain on my left side. Will chart it tomorrow, and see if it's actually true. And then probably get my period in 4 days, lol! If I had a normal LP and I am ovulating right now, I have a good chance of conception. But NOT a normal LP right now! ;)

Ohhh so looking forward and HOPING for more babies still to come for us! Arthur is hoping too - he was squishing my tummy wistfully a couple of weeks ago, and looking thoughtful. I asked him what he was doing, and he said, "Mummy, when can you go and wee on one of those stick things that tells us if you have a new tiny baby growing in your tummy again?" He clutched his fists under his chin with glee on the words "new tiny baby" :) Love that boy! And then last week (this week??) Matthew said he hoped God would bless us with more babies! He said he loves Samuel so much, and Samuel is his best friend in the whole world! Ahhh, where's the heart smiley when I want it?! :)

Right now, the reality of a new pregnancy would actually feel a bit overwhelming and scary to me. It feels really familiar from other times when I've had a baby aged about 6 months old. Once or twice I've thought maybe I could conceive that month, and it turned out to feel pretty scary in the reality of the moment! I worried about my milk for my baby boy, and morning sickness while still feeling like I was emerging from the postpartum fog, and HOW to do it all whilst dealing with the first trimester, etc. Not so much how to juggle another child, or how to manage with two very close in age, but more the pregnancy demands. I worry about whether my body is going to manage if I haven't had much time to recover from the latest pregnancy, especially my hips which were so very NOT happy this last time! I don't worry about labour any more. The whole thing just seems scary at this early stage, to me, but if it happened I would REJOICE because it would be a blessing from God. What's 15 months between babies?! It would not be so bad at all, and I would be so glad and thankful a year down the line - and during my pregnancy too. Just... the scariness! ;) BUT, fast forward a couple of months, to when I have an 8 month old or so... that's when I stop feeling this way and start getting proper baby fever! ;) Not really a coincidence that it is also when my body is about ready to conceive again. I love God's timing!! :)

I know that at any time, God could say, "That's it. Your family is complete". I know. I am so hoping He has plans to bless us again and again yet! I am now 35, and thus, for the first time, of "advanced maternal age". My mother, and her mother, and various other mothers before them (!) have started symptoms of menopause at age 40 and pretty much been done with it around age 42 or so. That's now only FIVE years away from me, which kind of makes me feel a bit clutchy around my throat! :S I don't mind getting old - I have never been someone who has issues with that idea - but I slightly panic at the thought of my childbearing years coming to an end. So sad! I hope these next five years are fruitful ones! My doula told me that if women continue having babies in their later reproductive years, it can delay menopause if it would have otherwise come on the early side. I hope she's right! I know it would be more tiring to be pregnant, give birth, recover from birth, and have a newborn (plus other kiddies) as I get older, but I don't care. TOTALLY. WORTH IT. :)

I shall be back! :)

8 weeks old and time to close, but uhhhmmm....

2011-02-16T23:24:00.004Z

Samuel is 8 weeks old!!! He had his 6-8 week check last week (flying colours! :) ) and so I should have updated by now and (sadly!) said goodbye to this blog for a while, but I just haven't got round to it yet. Proper entry coming, because I DO want to do that properly. And I still haven't written his birth story, aaargh! So want to get that done soon as well.

My lochia has FINALLY stopped, woohoo! It faded off to nothing about 10 days ago, and I noticed normal CM starting right off the bat. Then 5 (ish) days ago I noticed EWCM. And again the next day. And the next day (but not so much). Also I noticed that my man looked particularly attractive during those three days, hehehe! ;) I did think, "Hmmm..." and wondered if I should chart those things, but that seemed RIDICULOUS since I was only just 7 weeks postpartum and was only days off finishing my bleeding from giving BIRTH! And not to mention the two newborns I'm breastfeeding - that's the ACTUAL newborn, and the 19-month-old who is nursing like another one! ;) Not at night, but he easily nurses as often and long as Samuel during the day. So I didn't chart it.

Wish I had! I have been crampy for a week now (started with the EWCM) and increasingly bloated over the past week. Today I wondered if my lochia was somehow starting up a touch again, and then tonight when I went to the loo and wiped there was red blood! Periods ALREADY?!?!?!?! I thought last time was a record for me at just under 3 months postpartum, as I was between 5.5 months and 6.75 months postpartum with all the others. But 8 weeks to the day?!?! Whaaaaaat?!!

I am now feeling that yucky achy hot crampy feeling, so I'm fairly sure I'm starting a period. Which I can. not. believe. So unusual for me, this early! And with what looks like ovulation as well!

I will update again properly soon, but I just wanted to note this evening's "news" here first. I am going to start charting to keep track of things, as always. It's just totally surreal to be doing so 8 weeks after giving birth! :S

Smiley Samuel at 6 weeks old :)

2011-02-05T16:24:00.012Z

Sweet Samuel at six weeks:

Cooing at me in his sweet soft husky little voice (SO like Matthew's voice, just not quiiite as husky):

Smiles for Mummy! :)

Samuel has an inquisitive big brother! ;) Poor baby!

Good thing he's an easy-going boy! :)

Samuel's 6-8 week check is this Tuesday coming at 7 weeks old exactly, and I need to update more than just this photo update BEFORE then because there's tons to write about him before I need to close this blog down at the usual time! But I am not altogether well at the moment (nausea that won't subside and just feeling weak and exhausted, for days now :( ) and so I don't feel up to writing a long blog entry. Hopefully I'll be up to that tomorrow or the next day! Just couldn't resist posting these recent photos of my sweetest little manny manoo! Love this baby boy SOOOO much! :)

One month old!

2011-01-23T23:00:00.002Z

My tiny man is one whole month old! I missed updating on the actual day (in fact I feel rather ashamed to admit that I FORGOT on the actual day - only remembered on the 22nd that Samuel turned one month old the day before!), but there it is. He will be 5 weeks old on Tuesday (it's Sunday today) - I can't believe how fast the time is going!

I don't have much time to update as Samuel is starting to wake now that I'm typing, and seems like he is going to be very hungry and cross if I don't hurry up and feed him, lol! I wish I had kept up better over the past couple of weeks. A lot has happened that I wanted to keep a record of, but I just haven't had time.

Right after my last update (literally, immediately!), Samuel became really fussy, and it got progressively worse each day until he was basically spending the entire day crying and seeming uncomfortable, and no longer doing calm things like making eye contact or smiling at me :( He would not fuss or cry if he was sleeping or breastfeeding, but otherwise he was crying constantly. He would start the moment he let go of the breast, and he started to have only a handful of catnaps throughout the day (10-20 mins at a time). It became hard to handle a really really upset baby all day as well as the four other little ones, and I started to worry that he was becoming "colicky". Only Matthew out of my others was like that as a small baby, and it was sooooooo incredibly hard. Matthew's colic started in the same way and at exactly the same age I think, so I was not feeling too optimistic about it. I did not know how I was going to cope with several more months of it! The only thing was that his evening sleep still remained consistent and good - if I got him nursed and asleep between 7 and 8pm, he would stay asleep the rest of the evening, and would then nurse right back to sleep after a nappy change and a feed, for another 2-3 hours.

On the very worst day, he did not sleep well during the evening. In fact he was still awake at 10pm crying, having had no sleep yet that evening! Thinking of this being the new norm was soooo depressing, as I hated seeing him in pain, and that is how he seemed to be. I figured he needed to see a chiropractor like Heather had suggested when he was born, so I made an appointment for him (and me - OW my hips are SOOOOO sore still!!) with the same place I took Benjamin to when he was a baby - they specialise in babies, children, and mothers who are pregnant or newly postpartum. The appointment wasn't until Feb 1st, but at least it was made.

So at 10pm that evening I marched downstairs with him and handed him to Neil because I had tried everything to soothe him, breastfed him to bursting point and still he was crying and wouldn't sleep. My back and arms were hurting and I hoped Neil would have an idea. He sent me upstairs to rest and held Samuel in the kitchen to keep the crying noise as far away from the sleeping children as possible in our teeny house! I heard him crying on and off for a while and then he stopped. After it had been quiet for a bit, I went down to investigate, and found Samuel fast asleep in Neil's arms. Neil said he had prayed over Samuel and then he had gone to sleep! I was so glad that he was asleep, and so grateful that Neil had taken the initiative to pray over him! We put him to bed and he slept intil 2am, and next woke at 5.45 or 6am. When he got up for the day, he was a totally different baby! Absolutely zero fussing or crying all day long, other than if he was hungry and I was taking too long getting my bra open, hehe! He was calm and physically relaxed, and seemed contented. He made eye contact and cooed and smiled all day! :) He still had quite a few catnaps in the bouncy chair and woke if I tried to transfer him to the bedroom, but he did take one nice long 2hrs and 45 minutes nap in the afternoon. That was Tuesday, and he has been calm and happy ever since!!! Well, he was kind of fussy for the hour before bedtime this evening, but anyway, God is so faithful and I am SO relieved!!

Ahh I didn't get to finish this, so Samuel has now been changed and fed, and then changed into a different sleepsuit after bringing up milk on himself (and me!), and then nursed some more, and now he's dozing draped across my front while I type this with one hand! :) These precious days are so fleeting so I am enjoying it while I can. It is just about midnight now and another week starts tomorrow, and I'm tired, but he isn't asleep enough yet for me to put him down, otherwise he might wake up. Hopefully if I hold him for 5 or 10 more minutes he'll stay asleep when I put him down and I can go and brush my teeth. So I may as well continue typing for now! :)

Samuel still hasn't used his crib! He naps on my bed or in the bouncy chair, though he doesn't stay asleep so long in the chair. If he stays asleep when I put him on my bed, he always sleeps for the next 2.5 - 3 hours. He now has one such nap per day, as yet unpredictably. He won't stay asleep any other time that I try it, but once a day at some point, he will. Usually that's somewhere in the afternoon but one day this week he started a long nap at 10.30am. It was a day that Benjamin had been awke since 4.45am (those molars again!) and poor Benji was exhausted, so he nursed into a deep sleep only 15 minutes after Samuel did. They both slept for a record 3hrs and 15 minutes! Which was perfect, since their naps were staggered by 15 minutes, so I had chance to nurse and change Samuel in the 15 minutes before Benjamin woke up. I got housework done, read alouds and other quality time with the older three, and I even managed to cut Nathan's hair after they ate lunch! They all badly need a haircut so the other 3 are on my to-do list this week! I am also preparing to start school this week - we start back on Mon 31st, and Matthew starts school for the very first time! :) He's so excited! I hope I can pull it off, but I am also really looking forward to it. Neil's birthday is on Tuesday too!

Samuel is now sleeping 4-5 hours consistently in the evening, and usually goes from about 8pm to 1am, or 7pm to midnight, or something like that. I just put him down now and he has stayed asleep next to me, so I can finish the typing a little faster if it doesn't disturb him! Then I MUST go to bed!

He wakes a couple of times in the night after midnight I think, but maybe some nights only once?? I really don't know, it could be more than that, but we now have a dark room (I kept the lamp on to see by in the first few weeks) and sleep tummy-to-tummy, so I barely come round enough to get him latched on and then fall straight back to sleep. My hips have been slightly less painful in the last two days, but before that I had to change sides with Samuel halfway through the night because it became too painful to stay on that side (also better for Samuel's head I should think!). The last two nights I haven't had to, so I had unknowingly been offering Samuel the same breast all night, and boy was I lopsided in the morning, haha! The side I hadn't used was engorged. Ow. In the evening he sleeps in my bed, and I just climb in next to him part way through the evening and go on the internet via my laptop. He isn't disturbed by it at this age, but he will be soon. Some evenings I am downstairs till bedtime though. Then I just climb in beside my sweet tiny man and go to sleep! I LOVE it. Love it soooo much. He is just precious and I love being close to him. I have no desire whatsoever to put him in his own sleeping space. It's just GORGEOUS sharing my bed with him.

He is cooing so sweetly these days! I keep trying to catch it on camera (for a video clip) but EVERY time there's deafening bellowing in the background from another kiddie or else he stops and starts to fuss a bit instead of cooing, or someone comes and stands in front of the camera to make a silly face or ask me a question! Hopefully I'll get a good clip to share soon! He has Matthew's sweet husky little voice - only Matthew has had that type of voice so far. It's UNCANNY how many similarities there are between Samuel and Matthew. He SMELLS like Matthew did as a baby as well. Again, only Matthew smelled like that - he was quite a... strong-smelling baby, lol! Like a MAN smell, quite stinky sometimes! ;) Even right after a bath, it was like his sweat glands were all full of pheromones or something, and he was quite a sweaty baby in general. Arthur, Nathan and Benjamin weren't like that at all. Samuel is! He's also showing the start of cradle cap which all the boys have had (and Benjamin and NATHAN still do, even though they only ever have their hair washed with Dentinox!! What is up with that?! Nathan is THREE!!!), and his hairline is doing that receding thing now that his brain just had a growth spurt (so did his forehead therefore, hehe!), so it's becoming more visible. He has only had two baths (gasp! Yes, I'm a bad mother! ;) ) so far, but he has his hair washed with Dentinox. Hey ho.

His smile is so precious!! Big and broad and open and gummy, and he has a dimple in one cheek like I do (the same side too!). His face lights up when he smiles. I LOVE him so much!! He is beginning to get some newborn acne on his cheeks, poor little manny. He is otherwise doing great, and growing SO fast! He is now outgrowing all his 0-3 month sleepsuits and fits the smaller 3-6 month ones well. Craziness at just 4 weeks old!! He was 11lbs 1oz at three weeks old, and I guess he will next be weighed at his 6-8 week check. I have no idea what he weighs now but I'm guessing at around 12lbs? I am noticing my arm and shoulder hurting a LOT lately after holding him, so he must be gaining weight! He is tracking things with his eyes, and starting to watch his brothers around him (which they love!). He has smiled at Matthew and coos at him too, since Matthew is (as usual) the one who really puts in the time with little babies, sitting with them and being calm and interested in them. He was the same with Benjamin, and Benjamin warmed to him so much more than the others as a baby. Matthew has a real tender heart for little babies :)

I'm sure there's so much more that I wanted to write about, but for now I need to go to bed. I need to make an appointment for my 6-week postnatal check (just a week or so away!), and they'll send Samuel's in the post. Once he's had that check I will need to follow my tradition of finishing posting at this lovely blog, which is sad! I will try to update a couple of times at least before then, while I have the chance! I can't believe my new baby is almost at the end of the newborn stage already! :( I LOVE me a newborn!

I will be back though! ;) I have a couple of boys names at the ready for boy #6. Heather thinks the next baby will be born in June 2012, just in time for the Olympics! :) Matthew told me randomly the other day that he thought I would have another baby in October, but not this October. We shall see! I DO hope and pray that God will bless us with more babies yet! I hope it's not greedy of me, but I just love it so much, and don't want it to end!

3 weeks old!

2011-01-14T00:03:00.003Z

I'm still here! Absolutely no time to update - we've had no internet most of the last week anyway (tsk!!), but it's back on now by the looks of it.

Managing with Neil at work is incredibly hectic! My parents came to stay with my grandparents nearby last Friday and they've been to see us every weekday since then. They go home tomorrow so today was the last day they came over. They came each afternoon and it was LOVELY to have their help with keeping the boys entertained and busy (and the dishwasher running!) - they brought me sandwiches every day too. Love my parents! I'm a bit sad that they're going home!

Not quite sure how things will go without my parents around to help! A couple of the days this week have seemed absolutely unmanageable, but I think those were days when I had added stress factors. Nathan's 3rd birthday was on Wednesday, which also turned out to be the day that Samuel started breastfeeding like he was starting a growth spurt (he was!), and Benjamin started cutting both bottom molars at once - literally all of a sudden they were halfway up through huge purple swollen gums, my poor baby! :( Benjamin literally breastfed as much as Samuel did that day, either that or he was screaming and crying continually, and wanting to focus on making the day special for Nathey, I found it pretty stressful. Last week (before my parents came) there was one day that felt completely impossible to manage. I thankfully don't even remember the details of it too well now, but I do remember the bit where I was in the boys' bedroom rummaging frantically for a change of clothes for the one who had merrily tipped out a whole cup of water over the recently-opened Christmas presents, while Benjamin cried for me at the stairgate and Samuel cried in his bouncy chair and I just sat down on Nathan's bed and cried, saying, "I can't do it Lord! I can't do it Lord!" over and over. It was the last thing in an ENDLESS line of difficult-to-manage things that day and I felt so much less ready physically than I had expected to feel. Anyway, at that moment I was completely overwhelmed and did not know what to do. But, you know, I pulled myself together pretty quickly and changed a boy, cuddled another, and nursed another, and I survived.

But it is hard with 5 such very little ones! :S

Health Visitor came last week and since Samuel had just been weighed by the midwife 2 days before, she didn't weigh and measure him that day, but she sent someone to do that this week instead. So on Tuesday, at 3 weeks old exactly, Samuel weighed 11lbs 1oz - ANOTHER pound in a week gained!! He's at the 98th percentile for weight which I think is a record for one of my babies, even over Arthur (who wasn't far behind that as a baby)! His length was funny though - somebody has made a mistake somewhere because he ws 57cm long and DEFINITELY longer than he was a couple of weeks ago (he's filling out the length of even his biggest 0-3 month clothing) and yet he was measured at 59.5cm at birth?!?! Hmmmm! I would think that the birth measurement was wrong, but she was very careful and thorough. It's different though, because they use a tape at birth, and stretch them on a flat scale with the HV.

Anyway, growing boy! He's doing his 3 week growth spurt right now but it's not too bad. He's napping okayish, mostly in the bouncy chair but also on my bed once or twice a day for a good 2 hours each time, if I can put him down without waking him. He sleeps most of the evening now from about 8pm if I nurse him thoroughly (with 5 breasts, haha!) around that time. It's just after midnight now and he's stirring next to me having been asleep since 7.30pm ish. I'm noticing this is becoming "normal" for Samuel, which is nice! After that he'll usually need a full change and feed between midnight and 1am (yep, he's fussing and sucking his hands now!) and then wake around 4.30am to feed. Neither of us really wake up since we stay lying tummy-to-tummy (LOVE that!), and he wakes again about 3 hours later - usually AFTER I have to get up for Neil to go to work. It's quite nice to get the boys changed and eat breakfast before he wakes up for the day.

Bless! He's sucking his index finger really noisily right now (and very contentedly!) - never seen him do that before!

I have photos, but no time! Soon, hopefully. He is smiling occasionally and once did a HUGE beaming smile which changed his whole face - gummy and broad! :) Like Arthur's smile I think. He is starting to coo like he is really wanting to communicate with me, but just the odd one or two now and again - soooooooo sweet! :)

I have a ton more I could say but I need to nurse my sweetie pea and go to sleep! Back soon hopefully! :)

Nearly 2 weeks old already!

2011-01-03T16:27:00.003Z

Wow, the time is passing so fast! I can hardly believe that Samuel is going to be 2 weeks old tomorrow! Christmas came and went so fast, and then I blinked and 2010 had passed into the memory banks and 2011 was here! Crazy.

Today is Monday 3rd of January and it's the last day of Neil's paternity leave. Tomorrow he'll go to work at 7.30am and not get back until about 7pm. Yikes! I have such a mixture of feelings about the new normal around here! I'm so excited - breathlessly excited! - to be starting out as the mother of five children, spending my days watching them grow and learn and develop, and managing my home and my little ones. It's such a challenge (and TOO hard sometimes, but you keep going I guess!) but ohhhh so rewarding! And exciting to tackle. I can't think of anything I would rather be doing - no job or career could possibly hold this much anticipation or joy or love or thrills or rewards for me, I'm sure of it. It has to be hard work and a big challenge in order to be THAT thrilling and rewarding. So in part I am eager for tomorrow because it's the start of a new year which stretches out ahead of us, and a new beginning with a new little person in our family. I'm excited for all that it means, and all that the year will hold for us!

But ohhh I'm scared, lol!

How in the wide world will I juggle the needs of five little people, when the youngest is a needy newborn baby and the eldest is only just 6?! I was never proficient at it with four little people (trust me, I was NOT "there" yet!) so I am not sure how to proceed!

Personality-wise, I work well under pressure, and better still when I don't have someone else to fall back on. If Neil is at home I will manage less well, than if he's at work. I rise to the challenge, and I can't afford to be lazy (which is my tendency unfortunately!). It's a GOOD thing that I need to do my days without Neil home for 12 hours, although it's kind of the last thing that I want to do right now, thinking about the week ahead! ;) It will be good for me!

On Friday my parents are coming!! I can't wait to see them, and neither can the boys - they LOVE Nana and Grandy! I'm so excited for them to meet Samuel as well. They've seen his photos but it will be lovely to see them hold him and see all the things about him that I've been telling them on the phone, for themselves. They are travelling up from France on Thursday, and staying with my grandparents until the following Friday. Apart from the weekend, they are planning to come here for part of the day every day, yay! To help me with the boys mostly, and to meet Samuel. Nathan's birthday is next week (HOW ON EARTH WILL HE BE THREE?!?!!) and Neil has to work that day so I am really happy that my parents will be here and can help me make the day special for him. I have 3 children aged 2 and under at the moment! Two, one, and newborn! :) And four and six! :) Anyway I am looking forward to my parents visiting because it will help me to have them here. I have Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday on my own, which will be interesting!

I get tired very quickly when I do things with the boys these last few days - I've been going downstairs for anything from 30 minutes to a couple of hours, just slowly tidying the living room (which is beyond description, truly) or sitting with Samuel in my arms, or just chatting with the boys as they play. I get tired quickly and go back upstairs with Samuel when that hits, and just feel like I need a long nap to recover from sitting downstairs! I'm nervous about the days to come since I will never get the chance to nap. It has been several babies since I last was able to nap, no matter how desperate the need, obviously! I hope I hold up physically.

I have made a list this evening to help me keep focused tomorrow. This is all I want to achieve tomorrow and even though it's basic I think I will not manage much more, and will have to work at just achieving what's on the list!

* Drink 4-6 glasses of water

* Benjamin down for a nap at appropriate time

* Meals on time for all of us (give or take 30 mins)

* Read aloud to the boys (at least 1 hour)

* Nappy changes for all the nappy wearers, at least morning, noon, and bedtime! (Nathan and Benjamin are full-time nappy wearers, no potty training yet. Matthew wears a nappy at night and whenever he needs to poo still.)

* Keep on top of the living room floor (tidy-ish)

* Read Bible and pray, at least first thing, but if possible at any moment I can grab too!

* Feed and cuddle Samuel as much as possible. Change his nappy as often as needed (LOTS lately!).

That's it. Hopefully I'll manage to keep the above stuff going, because if I do I think the day will go okay for us all. I am not sure what we'll have for dinner - there are precisely NO freezer meals this time! I have no idea why that slipped my mind, but hmmm, that could make things tricky! I'm guessing tomorrow's dinner for the boys will be baked beans on toast, since it's quick, easy, nutritious, and one of their favourites! :)

Another part of me is just feeling so sad that my babymoon is over! :( I still get to snuggle my tiny man, but it has been so precious just focusing on him and snuggling him ALL the time. He has mostly slept all his sleeps on my front. These last two or three days I have started to put him down next to me on the bed when he is WELL asleep on my front. I don't want to! But I started to get worried about when Neil goes back to work, and what if he absolutely will not sleep unless he's on my front by then?! Today I really feel that pull of the fact that it's the last day where I get to rest in bed with my tiny love. Even when he's been happy and contented NOT in my arms, I have still scooped him up anyway and held him close all curled up against my chest, and kissed his little soft head a zillion times, and rubbed his back until he fell asleep - as often as I could. I know I can't do that during the week after today, and I really have a lump in my throat just thinking about it. The demands of the day will mean I have to keep on putting him down to deal with issues with the boys, discipline, and various things that need doing like nappies and meals. Samuel is SUCH a contented little baby. He doesn't mind being put down, but I can feel him relax more when he's in my arms. He goes so calm and still, and just blinks and does his sweet fast breathing, and eventually dozes off. I LOVE holding him! I will hold him just about as much as I possibly can even with Neil at work, but I know I will need to keep putting him down, and he won't be able to take his naps on me.

A sling would fix that, I know, but I don't get on well with slings in general. Either they hurt my back, or even if they don't, I find them too cumbersome, especially when trying to tend to the other little ones. I can't pick up or lift a toddler when I have a baby on my front, even with 2 arms free. It just doesn't work for me. It's possible to cook a meal or change a nappy with a baby on my front, but I find it physically straining and exhausting to do so. My back hurts just trying to lean round the baby to get things done. So I am not going the slinging route, unless he ends up a colicky baby and it's a survival tactic for a while. I HOPE he won't be!! But so far he seems very very laid-back and calm and happy. He's such a precious blessing!

Our last bouncy chair broke when Benjamin was a baby, so when I realised we didn't have one, I went looking on eBay. I wanted a Fisher Price one with a vibrate function, like our old one. We had a Fisher Price Kick and Play before and it was brilliant. Just the right bounce-ability when pushed with a foot, and the vibrate function was very helpful too! I needed one that was being sold locally enough so that I could avoid postage costs. I found a more basic Fisher Price bouncy chair for £5 (I think?) just a few streets away from us, and won it! It has a vibrate function but no lights and sounds like the other one, which I'm PERFECTLY happy about! ;) It has a built in blanket to cover the baby up if it's chilly, which is sweet! And it does bounce as nicely as the other one, so I'm pleased about that. After I washed the cover, I put Samuel in it (yesterday or the day before, I can't remember which!), and he was very happy there while his brothers stroked his head and put the blanket on and off and on and off and on and off and on and off, etc, and bounced the chair none-too-gently. The chair got nudged and bumped a few times as they busied themselves playing next to it, which made Samuel jump a bit, but he was calm through it all. Eventually he started to fuss a bit, so I put the vibrate function on and rocked the chair gently with my foot, and he went very still, just blinking. Over about 10 minutes, his sweet little eyelids got heavier and heavier, until he went to sleep. Today I put him in the chair for a short while and he did the same thing. After he had been asleep about 5 minutes I picked him up out of the chair and put him in my bed upstairs and he stayed asleep for a couple of hours. So I am cautiously hopeful with the bouncy chair to help me! :) It's a safe place to put him down, so long as I do not leave the room. Our house is conveniently teeny tiny so we only HAVE the one room to be in anyway, lol! ;) Very handy at this stage! I think if I need to go to the toilet or the kitchen, I will have to take him with me. Or just not go to either of those places unless I have him put to bed upstairs or something.

He has not used his crib at all so far - well, I tried him in it when he was fast asleep once at under a week old, and he stayed asleep less than 10 minutes on his back in there, and then woke up kind of fussy. He sleeps with me at night and I have no plans to change that any time soon. LOVE co-sleeping! :) For naps though, once Neil is not with the little ones in the day times, I need to do something different I think. While he's tiny, he is safe on my bed unsupervised, but only until he gets near to the age where he could roll. And even so, I don't feel safe even now putting him there for naps, because Arthur and Matthew are able to let themselves upstairs through the kiddy gate now, and I don't want them to have access to him on the bed if I don't know they're in there.

Soooo I will try transferring him to his crib once he's fallen asleep either breastfeeding or in the bouncy chair. I am not too confident about it because if I put him on his back he is likely to wake up pretty quickly. If I am in the room with him all the time, I have been putting him on his tummy to sleep, because he goes off to sleep on my front (tummy down) and his front is therefore all warm and toasty, and he stays settled if he goes down on his tummy if he fell asleep that way. He sleeps for a couple of hours every time like that. I am not crazy about sort of training him to be a tummy sleeper though, because at night he sleeps on his side or on his back next to me in between nursing, and he seems to have no problems sleeping on his back. So I don't want to mess with a good thing! I know how hard it is to try to get a baby to sleep on his back who is plain hurting or uncomfortable on his back for whatever reason - two of mine have been that way, but Samuel is definitely not so far. I don't want to lay him down in his crib on his tummy to sleep and then walk away and shut the door. So I will persevere trying to transfer him asleep onto his back in the crib and hope he stays sleeping. I think he will wake within 5 minutes every time and eventually get cross and overtired, but I'll give it a try anyway. I also suspect he'll take some of his naps actually in the bouncy chair. He is disturbed by the noise around him so I want to try to get him napping upstairs if possible, because it doesn't seem fair to him to see him flinching and startling at crashes and bangs and screeches from his brothers, even though he stays asleep! That can't be as good a quality of sleep for him, and I want him to be well rested at all times.

Anyway, so I need to change the crib sheets tonight in preparation for tomorrow, and also find the spare monitor to plug in where he'll be sleeping, so I can hear when he stirs. The video monitor is in the boys' room so I can see/hear when Benjamin wakes from his nap and during the evening, but we have an old monitor (which hopefully still works!) that I need to put in with Samuel too.

I hope I can do it! I feel like I'm pretty sure I CAN do it, but it's a bit nerve-wracking at the moment! I need to somehow stay calm and sane so that I treat the boys the way they should be treated, and not get snappy or shouty or irritable with them if I get tired. They are HARD work, behaviour-wise, so that's a challenge at the best of times.

Samuel is doing great! :) The midwife came yesterday and discharged us to the Health Visitor, who will be coming tomorrow at noon. I am sad and nostalgic about the midwife discharging us because it is an official closure to the whole pregnancy and birth thing, which - as you know - I absolutely love and adore! :) So I am sad to leave that behind. Again! I can't believe I have done it five times now, and I feel kind of clutchy around the throat thinking that I may not have many more times left to experience, compared with how many I have been through already. I mean, I can't see myself being pregnant five more times, as much as I would LOVE to. I'll be 35 next month. I am hoping and praying (actively!) for more babies yet!

Samuel is waking so I will have to finish this later. I have photos to add, and just a bit more waffle about my darling boy! I'm so besotted with him, he is just delightful and lovely in every way and it's going to be hard to get back to normal life when I'm still SO in babymoon mode!

Oh, he seems to have resettled himself (he's on his tummy next to me in bed), so I'll carry on for now!

The midwife weighed Samuel yesterday at 12 days old and he now weighs 10lbs 2.5oz! He was 9lbs 1.5oz exactly a week before, so he has gained over a lb in a week! She was very pleased with his weight gain and his colour. He had a lot of swelling and bruising to his face, which has FINALLY started to go. I would say his swelling is all gone now, and his bruising almost all gone - it's not really noticable at all any more unless you know what to look for. Poor little man still has red patches on the whites of his eyes from the birth, and the midwife told me that can take several weeks to clear up. I am noticing today that the worst patch has started to look less red at last, and the others are more pinky now, so that's good. Anyway, she was very pleased with him because even with bruising he has had no jaundice whatsoever. He has been feeding almost constantly though, so that will have been flushing his system out very well.

He feeds on demand, basically whenever he is awake, hehe! I am working on making sure he has FULL feeds, so if he dozes off after one full side, I still wake him up and offer him the other side. Once he's well and truly stuffed, I let him sleep. He will then typically sleep for a couple of hours, or 2.5 hours even. My policy this time around is to make sure that's the longest he sleeps before I wake him up and feed him again. The idea is that with feeds no further apart than 2.5 hours in the day, he will be well tanked up during the day and eventually begin to space out his night-time feeds by himself. I hope! I have no idea of his nights, none at all! I lay down next to him and nurse him, and we both fall asleep. Next thing I know, he's fussing and I wake up enough to offer him the other breast and fall back to sleep. Fast forward to another moment where I become aware of him fussing, and I glance at the clock and acknowledge the time, offer him the breast and fall back to sleep. When I next wake, I have no recollection of the time I saw on the clock the last time, offer the boy the breast and fall back to sleep. And so it goes on! So I just can't tell you anything at all about his nights. I don't know how often he wakes, how many times each night, how long he feeds for, how much sleep I'm missing or how often my sleep is disturbed. I'm a bit frustrated because I really DO want to know the answers, and I try to be aware of it during the night, but I'm so half asleep that I forget it before morning comes and can't recall it by then! I think I would have to come round enough to physically write down the time each time I wake, to know how the nights are going, but that seems like a big faff so I probably won't get around to that! It's a GOOD way to do it, as it preserves my sleep in the best way possible. Samuel nurses back to sleep right away every time I feed him at night, and often has alert times after feeding during the day, so I am happy to see him being specific in that way about day and night. I don't give him the opportunity to be alert and wakeful in the night mind you! ;) I fall asleep and don't engage him at all. I also don't change his nappy at all, unless he is wet through (not happened yet) or has obviously pooed. Once or twice I have missed a pooey nappy until a couple of hours later because I have just fallen back to sleep and missed it, which I feel bad about!

He did start to get a couple of sore patches when he was first doing lots and lots of breastmilk poo after his meconium cleared out, so I've been using Sudocrem since then and he has no sore or red patches any more, even if he poos frequently. He typically will do 3 or 4 pooey nappies in the space of about 30 minutes, and then nothing for 5 or 6 hours, so that's better than some of my little ones who have just pooed and pooed and pooed around the clock and ended up sore no matter the barrier cream! It never really cleared up until a couple of months later when the frequency of poos calmed down.

Samuel's eyes are grey. They were so dark and murky the first week, and even with good light from the window and him looking directly into it, I still couldn't see any discernable colour to them, just dark murkiness. But this week they have been lightening up just slightly, and I can see that they're dark grey at the moment (no blue at all), and there is a ring around the pupil that I can't describe at the moment, but it could turn into a sort of tan-coloured ring like Benjamin's, I am guessing. Benjamin's are grey with a tan ring, just like mine, and I wonder if Samuel's will be similar. No way to really know this early, but I like guessing! :) They could also turn brown, as Arthur's started out grey too. His eyebrows and eyelashes are starting to "come out" now and so far to me they look light brown, so I think he'll have the same hair colour as Arthur and Benjamin. Nathan's is similar too, but his hair is slightly darker brown than the others, and Matthew's is quite fair - a cross between blonde and light brown. I think Samuel's eyebrows are more brown than Matthew's were though, so I think his colouring will be more like Arthur and Benjamin.

Samuel definitely looks most like Matthew in the face (their noses are almost identical!) but he's also a mix of all of them. It's lovely to see the unique combinations of each child as they arrive! This is probably a good time to post some photos! :) I think Samuel has been asleep nearly 2.5 hours now so I need to wake him up and feed him if he doesn't wake up himself. Here are the latest photos - starting way back on Christmas Eve at 3 days old:

Here is Samuel on Christmas Day in another Christmas outfit! :) Good old eBay! His eyes were still swollen, and his bruising probably peaked from that day. It seemed to really come up. He was looking at the window (he seems to really like looking at any light source, especially natural light, and will stare at it for ages and ages):

I already have a photo of Samuel in the Mr. Bump sleepsuit (which they all wear and get photographed in!) which I posted last entry. But here's another one, just for the records! He was 6 days old here, and really did not fit it any more in the length. He doesn't fit ANY of his newborn (up to 10lbs) sleepsuits now - his feet are restricted by the length as he's such a LONG baby! Neil got the box of 0-3 month clothes out of the loft today and the first load is in the washing machine, so that's a relief! I can't believe we're cracking that box open so soon! Anyway, here is Samuel looking at the window again, in the Mr. Bump sleepsuit! :)

So many people keep on saying how BIG he is, which I guess he is for a brand new baby, but as far as human beings go he is still EVER SO TINY! And that's how he seems to me, he is just soooo teeny tiny in my eyes, almost to the point where I can't understand why people keep on about how big he is, lol! I took a photo of him sleeping on his front with my hand laid gently on his head, just because when I was stroking his little head like that, it struck me again how tiny he was, and so I wanted to capture that to dispel the myth that he's this gigantic baby! ;) He was 6 days old here too:

Here is a series of photos that I took when Samuel was 8 days old, just before the boys' bedtime. Arthur and Matthew came up to see him as they often do at that time of day, and I realised I didn't yet have any photos of the boys with Samuel, except for the one I posted last entry of Benjamin holding him. So I got out my camera, even in the poor light (hence grainy photos), and took a few photos of them. Matthew is very taken with Samuel (just as he was/is with Benjamin, only more so) and is a very calming influence - he gets very serious about him and talks in hushed tones near him, and constantly wants to stroke or kiss him. He strokes his little head or tummy soooo gently and carefully. That's why he's wearing such a serious expression in one of these photos - this is Matthew looking after Samuel and taking the job very seriously. They are both giving him a kiss in the last photo, when it was time for them to go and get ready for bed :)

And lastly, here are 3 photos of Samuel taken when he was 9 days old, on my bed. His one Christmas present was a Very Hungry Caterpillar touchy-feely toy, and he does seem to focus on it and look at it so I put it near him sometimes for him to look at. I put it on the bed and fiddled about with depth of field, wanting to focus on Samuel and make the caterpillar blurry. While I was doing that I managed to catch him starting to smile at me! :) Samuel looked me right in the eye at 7 days old, raised his eyebrows in surprise as though recognising me for the first time, and SMILED! I couldn't believe it because he was only 7 days old, long before babies are apparently "able" to do proper social smiles yet, but I knew it was not wind, and was definitely "social" behaviour. Matthew and Benjamin were my previous earliest smilers at 3 weeks old which was already "early", but 7 days?!! I do know baby smiles by now, after 5 babies, but I still didn't mention it at first in case I was wrong. But he has smiled at me about once or twice a day, every day since, and at Neil a couple of times too. All the occasions were when he was particularly alert, focused on our faces, and being held about 12 inches from our faces as we talked to him. Definitely social smiles! :) I still can't believe he's doing it so early but there we go! In the last photo here, he was just beginning a smile - see how his eyes are so different and all lit up as he switches into his "social" mode?! :) Such a sweet little peanut!

He's fed and asleep curled up on my chest right now. Bliss!!! I will miss it so much tomorrow but at least I can still do it in the evenings and at the weekends! This precious stage is so fleeting and passes WAY too quickly. How I long to slow down time so that I can revel and soak in it all I like! *sigh*

The one sad thing that I have noticed about my sweet little Samuel is that he has undoubtedly got Arthur's curly feet :( I'm soooo sad about it, though my mum reminds me that it's not bad going to only have two out of five with the stupid curly feet gene (okay she didn't call it that, but that's what I think of the darn thing!), considering Neil was one of 3 siblings affected by it out of 4. Ugh. I know it means many rounds of both his little legs in full plaster casts, traipsing back and forth to the hospital with all the kiddies for frequent appointments, night boots that will disturb his sleep, and follow ups FOREVER where the physio struggles to figure out why his feet are not staying straight despite the treatment (ongoing with Arthur, whose feet are still curly and whose next appt is next month). So sad to have to begin it all over again, and to have to see my little baby in plaster casts. His feet don't look as curly as Arthur's did before his first casts, BUT the thing that concerns me is that they also turn in at the ankle, which Arthur's didn't, sort of suspiciously like clubfoot. But, I can flex them into a straight foot position, but they don't have any flexibility beyond that. I will not be hanging around waiting for the Health Visitor to notice and refer him, which is how we did it with Arthur and the physio told me she really should have seen him as a newborn (he was 3 months old before his appt came through). I will be phoning Arthur's physio tomorrow morning, and I'm sure she'll arrange to see Samuel pretty quickly.

*sigh*

Other than that, things are going well with my newest little man! When the midwife was packing up to go yesterday, she said (completely deadpan), "See you again later this year?" LOVE THAT, hehe! I answered, "Yeah, probably!" ;) And she said, "Going to be another boy?" And I said, "I should think so! I'm thinking of names already!" - which (shh!) I am! ;) Pretty sure that if God blesses us with another baby it will likely be a boy! And I'm already excited about that - my desire for a daughter, whilst THERE, seems to diminish with each baby that comes. I'm more excited for another sweet baby boy right now, than a baby girl. I love my boys! :)

Okay, that's all for now. I will try to update again soon, and work on my birth story in bits whenever I can. Heather has written loads of notes during my labour and no doubt will give me a copy next time I see her, so that will help me! :)

6 days old - babymooooon! :)

2010-12-27T14:42:00.008Z

I did not mean to leave it 6 days in these sweet early stages with so much to write about all the time! But oh I am in some sort of babymoony altered state, lol! I am SO incredibly in love with my new tiny, and just busy enjoying him ALL the time, even though I'm not "doing" much with my time. I am following the same plan as last time - stay in bed basically for two whole weeks - or at least for the first week, and then mainly stay in the bedroom for the second week. It means I physically rest completely, and it makes things MUCH easier if I'm well rested and recovered by the time Neil goes back to work (on the 4th of January). The boys come up and "visit" a lot, and Benjamin still has his milky before his nap and bedtime, in my bed. Sometimes Samuel is already breastfeeding, but I'm beginning to feel quite used to tandem nursing - this is my 3rd pair of tandem nurslings! :) Matthew never officially stopped, and maybe last nursed before bed a couple of months ago (for the first time in a couple of months), but he hasn't had any since Samuel was born, or asked. He watches with interest, and enjoys seeing both Samuel and Benjamin feeding together.

My milk started to change from colostrum just under 48 hours after Samuel was born, and took a full day to become the "very much IN!" milk with some engorgement - so I guess he was 3 days old when my milk came in properly. He has been breastfeeding pretty much non-stop since he was born. If he's not breastfeeding, he is asleep, but not really in a predictable pattern like some babies are at this stage - feed, sleep for 2 hours or so, feed, sleep for 2 hours or so, etc. He is starting to sleep longer now that he's getting SO VERY FULL, but I can't predict whether he'll sleep hours or 20 minutes. I think I am probably more attached to this baby than my others - physically, I mean. Right now he is on my bed next to me, sleeping on his front (which I never put him down on) where I put him briefly when I needed to go to the loo. He had been sleeping on my chest so I figured he might stay asleep long enough for me to go to the toilet if I kept him sleeping on his front where he was all warm and toasty. Samuel actually seems to be very happy sleeping on his back (only 2 of my others were) so I am really pleased to go with that! I always get so nervous if the only way they'll sleep is on their tummies!

Anyway, he has stayed asleep longer than the time I needed to go to the loo, so I thought I would make the use of a very rare opportunity when both my hands are free, and update my blog as fast as I can before he wakes and needs at least one of my hands again! ;)

He breastfeeds for quite a long time. Some of my babies have been all done within 5 or 10 minutes for a full feed. Samuel likes his food! ;) He takes his time on one side, and then wants the other, and takes his time with that too. My milk is very plentiful as it usually is by this stage, and he is getting a lot of milk very fast, but perhaps it's because he's such a big baby - he's not choking on it at all (Benjamin didn't either) and he's able to take an awful lot of it before he's officially full. When he's full, he falls asleep on the breast. I burp him sitting up on my lap (soooooo precious with his little doughy cheeks resting on my hand as I hold his chin!!!) and then give him the other breast, and when he falls asleep I simply lift him up onto my chest. I spend my time mostly propped up in bed semi-sitting, with pillows. So if I put him on my chest, he's semi-reclining forwards, and he's upright enough to burp in his sleep. He brings his wind up very easily which I'm thankful for!

Anyway, there we stay until he wakes again and roots, which is often a couple of hours! Sometimes he doesn't fall asleep right away, or else I change his nappy and then he's wide awake. At those times he goes extremely calm and quiet and alert, and just looks into my eyes, or at the contrast of my hair against the walls or the pictures on the walls. I fall so deeply in love with him during these times! I can't describe how precious he is to me, and I feel it SO keenly when he's gazing at me with those tiny newborn peepy eyes, over those soft soft SOFFFT doughy cheeks. The photos (which I'll post in a minute!) just don't do them justice - they look doughy like actual dough, but there's no firmness or resistance to them in reality. They're like butter! Butter, I tell you!! I am just beyond blissdom. I kiss those cheeks too many times a day to count, just for the sheer pleasure of doing so! He's SO adorable. *sigh*

So we spend our days in constant contact - either breastfeeding, or snuggling with him on my chest. At night I lay him next to me in my bed and nurse him side-lying and he goes to sleep, and then so do I. When he wakes later, I nurse him again without moving. I don't change his nappy at night at all unless he has pooed, which he sometimes does once in the night (I'm sure that will increase pretty soon!). About every other feed (or ever feed if I am not too asleep to remember!) I lift him up without moving myself, and sort of drape him over my waist as I lie on my side, so that he's sort of kneeling upright against my tummy, looking over my back. I pat his back and he burps, and then I lay him down next to me again. It's the easiest way to burp a tiny baby at night - no getting up at all! :) I did that with Benjamin and it worked a treat!

Christmas happened somewhere in the blur of rose-tinted hormones - I think it was good?! Was it?! Hehe! I am not noticing much of anything lately! We did the usual presents for the children, but nothing else that we normally do for Christmas. We had no visitors, and we didn't go out. We had planned to do a roast lunch for Christmas but it didn't pan out - it was a lot for Neil to take on by himself, and I will be more able to help if we do the whole Christmas meal thing at a later point - even next weekend as a sort of New Year's celebration maybe? So we had cheese sandwiches with salad for lunch, lol! And pasta with homemade pesto and tomato sauce for dinner. We didn't mind a BIT. The boys were so thrilled with all their gifts and spent the whole day playing vigorously with them all - ohhhh the siren noises would have driven me insane if I'd spent the day downstairs, and they nearly did all the way upstairs too! ;) They got several emergency vehicles which make sirens, and a wooden fire station and road set, with a siren on the station too. I did go downstairs (slowly!) with Samuel first thing in the morning to be there for all the present-opening, which was nice! I think it lasted an hour or so, and I was just feeling grey and exhausted by the time they'd finished. I didn't even feel like I could sit upright, and just took it as a sign that I should be resting in bed still! So I went back up afterwards, and took a nap for a couple of hours with Samuel, and felt better.

I have been so paranoid about that placental lobe since Samuel was born. I just keep thinking, "Where on earth IS it?!" remembering how obvious it was at 2 different scans - one of them only 7 weeks ago! It did not come out, so where is it?! The placenta was examined at the hospital by the doctors with the knowledge that there was a lobe on the scan, and still they conclude that there is no way anything was ever attached to that placenta. It's absolutely complete, with no torn membranes or vessels leading off the main body - nothing missing whatsoever. So strange! If it's God doing something miraculous then I am NOT surprised, but if I take my eyes off Him for a moment then I am worried all the time, wondering if/when I will start to bleed heavily or get an infection.

The midwife came round the day after Samuel's birth to check on us. She felt my tummy and said my womb still seemed "quite high" but was contracted. That was the statement that stayed in my head for the next few days and filled me with anxiety. My womb always always seems to be really well contracted after having a baby, and usually the midwife comments on how contracted down it is already. So it was the first time I'd heard someone say it was still quite high (this midwife hadn't known about my extra lobe) and so it concerned me. By the next day it didn't seem to me any lower (it was maybe an inch below my tummy button) and so I started to get a bit overly anxious and phoned Heather for advice. She had me phone labour ward and ask their advice, and they said that since I was not bleeding heavily or in pain, they were not concerned but that I should arrange for a midwife to visit the next morning. So on Christmas Eve a midwife came round in the morning and felt my tummy - she was so nice about it and really reassuring. It wasn't much lower than before but she said it was fine and in the range they expected at this stage. My bleeding has actually been really light, so that's good. It's like a normal period, and I'm only using regular period pads (med-light flow) and that's all I need right now.

I have been having normal afterpains, especially when breastfeeding, but they've not been so ferocious as last time around. I hope that's okay too... They've pretty much stopped now though. During the day on Christmas Eve I was becoming more and more crampy low down, front and back, and just feeling a bit more sore than usual. I also noticed the night before that, that it was a bit sore to wee. It was MIGHTY sore to wee within the first 12 hours of giving birth, but gradually got less so as time went on. But on the 23rd in the evening it seemed a little more sore. The next day by late afternoon it was almost unbearably painful to wee, and the crampiness was constant. Heather (bless her heart, getting all these worried phone calls from me at Christmas! She was so nice about it!) said I should drink a TON and phone the GP surgery to see if there was anyone still there at closing time on Christmas Eve. I had to be kind of persuasive with the receptionist (are all receptionists like this?! Tsk!) about speaking to a doctor, but a really nice GP came on the phone in the end and I told him my symptoms. He wrote me a prescription for a 3-day course of antibiotics right away and said he would leave it at reception for the next hour before they closed, or if we couldn't get to pick it up in that time, he would WALK to the nearest chemist and leave it there for me in case they were open longer! So nice of him! He was concerned that I get some treatment for a bladder infection quickly since I was so newly postpartum, and it was Christmas the next day.

It was a bit tricky because the only person who could possibly pick up the prescription was Neil, and I was not yet in any sort of state to be left with the little ones even for a short while! They were bouncing off the walls downstairs and being difficult, and Neil was in the middle of cooking sausages for dinner! In the end, he got the sausages out to cool, instructed the boys to behave for me, and went as fast as he could to the surgery to pick up the prescription and get the antibiotics at the chemist. He was gone about 30 or 40 minutes, and it was scary! The boys didn't obey me when I asked them not to do such-and-such, and I felt so weak physically that it made me want to cry. Benjamin climbed onto the windowsill to watch Daddy go, and then couldn't get down so I had to go (very slowly) downstairs and lift him down, which I felt physically quite shaky about. I wasn't feeling too well with my bladder infection by then too, which didn't help.

Anyway, after what seemed like an eternity (!!), Neil came home with my antibiotics - what a star! I only have one left to take tonight and I have finished the course, and I feel SOOOO much better now.

The midwife came again today and did Samuel's heel prick test (sniffle! He was such a good boy even though he needed TWO heel pricks because he didn't bleed enough from the first one!), and weighed him. He weighs 9lbs 1.5oz today so has lost about 5% of his birth weight, which is normal. His meconium ALL passed in one great poo-a-thon yesterday (8 poos in one day!!!) and today he is passing small mustardy-yellow breastmilk poos so he's cleared out nicely! :) Also she felt my tummy and my womb is really well contracted down, which was very reassuring to hear! It's only an inch or two above my pubic bone now and she does not think anything can possibly be retained in there. I hope she's right!

Samuel is awake and starting to cry so I'm going to stop this for now and breastfeed my sweetie-peadle! :)

Back again to finish off, but one-handed now as my lil treasure is on my chest sleeping, and I'm cuddling him to me with my left arm :)

Here are the first 4 photos of Samuel (the ones I've already posted at Facebook) - we could not find either of the cameras after he was born, and it was 36 hours before Neil found them in the car! I was a bit sad to have no photos of his first 24 hours or so :( But never mind. Here is the first photo of Samuel at about 40-or-so hours old, doing what he did most at that time - rooting on his hands! :)

Two days old (see how swollen his eyes are from the birth?! And the CHEEKS I was talking about earlier!):

Cuddle with Daddy at 2 days old:

Benjamin holding Samuel for the first time - sooooo precious! I have had comments about them looking the same size in this photo, but I promise it's all just a camera angle thing! I know he's over 9lbs but he really is just sooo teeny tiny all the same - MUCH smaller than Benjamin, and especially his little head! I am not sure why his head looks so big here! I will have to take a side-by-side photo of them so you can see what a huge size difference there actually is!

Here's a little video clip I took of Samuel at 2 days old, really just to make a record of his sweet little snuffly, rooty, reflexy self for me to look back on - this sweet stage passes too fast!

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Here's my little manny at 3 days old on Christmas Eve. He looked so like a little Christmas present when I lay him down for a moment, dressed in his Christmas sleepsuit, that I couldn't resist a photo! :)

He is, without a doubt, the MOST wonderful Christmas present I have ever (or probably WILL ever) receive! I'm so thankful that he's here, and that I have five (!!!!) precious children. Five! I keep being freshly astounded that this statistic applies to ME! It's so surreal somehow. I have to keep saying it out loud, "I have FIVE children!" and then again for, "I have FIVE sons!!" because wow, that's a lot of sons - how blessed am I?! Not many women these days can say they have five sons. It takes my breath away sometimes when I think about it properly. I just can't believe I actually have five children. FIVE children. How perfectly wonderful! Now the only thing more wonderful than five children would be six children! But that's for another entry at another time, I guess! ;)

I'll try to update again soon. I have more photos taken in the last couple of days but no chance yet to upload them, and of course I have much more that I could waffle on about! But I think that's the main stuff updated about, so it's a good start! :) Thanks for all the lovely comments and congratulations! xxx

Samuel is here!!

2010-12-21T20:00:00.003Z

Yay, the sweep worked! :D I had a rotten night's sleep due to various things, but was not actually having proper contractions that felt like the real thing until this morning around 6.30am. I felt sick, anxious and shaky all night and had horrible sharp IBS pain which stopped me getting comfy in bed, and which also kept me going to the loo all night. I just felt so rough with it and was anxious about the nausea, even though I knew it was all a good sign! I continued to lose the bloody show all night too. Benjamin cried for me until after 3am, and Neil and I just couldn't console him, even though I breastfed him whenever I could, so we didn't get any sleep until after 3am. He seemed so anxious and kept sobbing "I gaaare!" (I'm scared) and pointing randomly at everything like he didn't know what was scaring him. My heart just about broke for him because I knew that he KNEW something was going on - something big and incomprehensible - but he was too little to be able to make any sense of it and he was just so insecure and unhappy :( I remember Arthur being that way when I was in labour with Matthew.

Eventually he went to sleep on Neil's chest while Neil sat propped up in bed in the boys' room, and did sleep until 6.20am. For the first time he did not want milky on getting up. He just wanted to go downstairs, but he remained extremely sensitive all day right up until bedtime tonight, crying hysterically if Neil left the room, and wanting to be held a lot. I felt so sad for him, my poor little lovey!

After I woke up at around that time, my first thought was that nothing was happening AGAIN, because here I was waking up in the morning yet again and had not been woken up by contractions or anything. Within moments of sitting up in bed, however, I had a strong contraction - very different in tone from the ones in the evening and here and there through the night, and painful low down at the front and in mygroin, like period cramps only sharp. After 2 more in the next 10 minutes or so, I phoned Heather and when she said, "Hello?!" in an excited tone, I just said, "Would you mind coming over?"

I am wanting to write as much detail of my birth story as possible, as SOON as possible this time, so I guess this is the very start of it. But I am tired now from giving birth today, and Samuel is asleep on my chest as I recline in my bed (got to love giving birth at home!! :) ) so I'm typing with one hand looking sideways off the bed to my laptop screen, and can't keep that up for long. I'll try to add to the story as I go along when I get chance, and then eventually I'll compile it all into a proper birth story (and cut out paragraphs like this one!).

For now let me just give the announcement stats and things!

Samuel Robert was born at 1.41pm, in my bed with my much-prayed-for lovely midwife, Mandi there to deliver him (she also delivered Benjamin) - who knew she was on one of her 2 random days-a-week shifts today?! God did, that's who! :)

I'll have to check my notes to see how long my stages of labour were, but I was not yet in "established" labour when Mandi arrived at 9-something. I refused internal examinations so nobody ever checked me to see how far dilated I was at which times. Second stage and transition were horribly horrible beyond description with no pain relief, but I'm not sure of the lengths of time. Mandi tried helping me control the second stage better this time to avoid a tear, so it took longer. I had to give a little push, then blow 3 times, and repeat until the contraction ended. That was the hardest thing EVER and I lost it lots of times saying I couldn't do it. If I started to push then I couldn't stop without great throat-aching effort, and when I did the 3 blows the pain was overwhelming. BRILLIANT news was that I did not do any wailing or screaming as a result - I can't tell you how happy I was about that! :)

My waters broke a few minutes before he was born, while I was pushing his head down. No meconium in the waters this time, yay! :) He was lifted onto me screaming a raspy STRONG cry, and has been extremely vocal since! He especially hated being weighed, measured and checked over (and his Vit K injection!) a bit later - he has a pretty loud cry for a brand new fresh-from-the-womb baby! I did not let them take him to do those things until after his first breastfeed - he stayed skin-to-skin until then. I offered him the breast right away, as was my instinct since he was screaming even skin-to-skin and I guess I wanted to soothe him, but Heather said he wouldn't likely be interested in the first hour. After about 30 minutes though, he began pushing himself about on my chest with his little feet, and located my left breast quickly. I helped him latch on, and he nursed for about 40 minutes straight!!!! I had a surprise as well, for the first time with one of my babies, he was gulping and swallowing most of that time (at birth!!!) at a fast rate, as though my milk was in. Heather said that this time I must have more milk left from still breastfeeding Benjamin than I usually do. So that brand new baby boy got a good tummyful of breast milk (it is mostly colostrum though, all the same, but there just seems to be lots of it!). His tummy was making busy groany squelchy noises and he stopped now and then to let out a few HUGE burps, lol!

I did manage to get a 2nd degree tear anyway, and needed stitches, but it was apparently not as long a tear as previous ones, even though it was just as deep. Mandi did a great job with the stitches and, much as I absolutely HATE having stitches done there, I was waaaay calmer this time and it seemed less painful than other times. They have not bothered me one bit since, and I did take paracetamol for the afterpains before they were done, but right now those have been worn off for a good couple of hours and I am not in any pain. The afterpains are sore but very manageable this time (so far!).

Long story about the placenta but I had a managed 3rd stage with the injection given and cord cut a couple of minutes after Samuel was born. Mandi was careful and gentle helping the placenta out and we were all absolutely dumbstruck to discover a complete, smooth and untorn circular placenta with 100% intact membranes and no possible location on it where a lobe or its attaching membranes could possibly have ever been. I was anxious and suspicious about it, wondering if they'd just somehow missed it anyway (it was present at 2 scans after all!!) and I still hd it inside me. Mandi spent a good while sitting on the bed with me and showing me my placenta in detail, stretching out all the membranes carefully to show me that they were all intact and there was nowhere that any other vessels or membranes to an extra lobe could have been attached. She phoned the hospital to be sure and they said to bring the placenta in to have the doctors check it to confirm that there's nowhere a lobe could have been attached to it, so that's what she did when she left me. If it's really really true, then it's nothing short of miraculous. Amazing! I still feel vaguely suspicious, but all seems to check out fine. I did not have a lot of blood loss really in general, and my uterus is well contracted as it should be if it's not retaining anything. My lochia since then has been normal, but I'm keeping an eye on it, and for things like fever or feeling unwell, as the midwife explained to me.

Mandi booked me an appointment for a midwife (hopefully Kerry!) to come round tomorrow to do the first day postnatal check on us, and also for one of the GPs from our surgery to come out and do the newborn check on Samuel, since he was born at home and therefore didn't get one in the hospital. Heather stayed until 7pm - what a star! She asked if I wanted her to stay or go around 4.30pm and I asked if she would mind staying (she didn't mind at all) because Neil was so busy with all the boys that I felt like I would be on my own a bit if I needed anything, if she went home. She read stories to the boys and played Duplo with them, and sat with me while they ate, and brought me food and drink and so on. She helped me position myself in the bed various times to breastfeed. Tomorrow she's coming back late morning for a few hours, just to be with me and maybe read a couple of stories to the boys, but the nicest thing is that she has offered to wrap any of the boys Christmas presents that are not yet wrapped while she's here, so as to save us the stress of getting that done in the few days left before Christmas! She's WONDERFUL!!! :)

Oh I almost forgot - Samuel weighed in at NINE POUNDS AND NINE OUNCES!!!!!! What in the wide world!!! I thought it was a major deal for me when I produced an 8lb 11oz Benjamin, but 9lbs 9oz?!?! I am literally in disbelief over it. For hours I just sat in bed saying occasionally, "NINE pounds and NINE ounces?!?!" I just couldn't believe it, haha! I'm so petite in build and well, yikes. I did not ever imagine making a baby that big (or birthing one, lol!)! Mandi was so apologetic that I tore despite her coaching me gently to avoid tearing, but when she learned his weight she said it made her feel better about it, haha! ;) Samuel is also my longest baby by far (although they never measured Benjamin's length so I don't know what he was) - FIFTY NINE centimetres!!!! To compare, the usual average is 50-52cm, and Matthew at 41 weeks was FORTY nine centimetres - 10cm shorter than Samuel!! Yikers! I wish I knew what that was in inches but Samuel is squeaking and stirring (sooooooo cute) so I need to feed him and don't have time to google. He is so precious, and looks to me amazingly like Matthew did as a newborn (except his cheeks are so soft and chubby, lol!). He is a mix of all the boys, and looks like Samuel and nobody else (just like they all have!), but I think he is most like Matthew, which is a first since Matthew himself was born! :)

I will update soon! Thanks so much for the messages and comments - I appreciate you all routing for me soooo much! xxx

41 weeks today!

2010-12-20T23:29:00.002Z

Well here I am at 41 weeks pregnant! By this time with Matthew's pregnancy, he was born, so this is officially my longest gestation ever!

Today I had my 41-week midwife appointment (having woken with no contractions once again). Oh but last night at about midnight, I went to the loo and when I wiped I found enough mucus plug to definitely call it a "show", but it wasn't the more exciting "bloody show" at all. Just goop of the same type I've been having here and there, but more of it. I also had some uncomfortable/somewhat painful Braxton Hicks through the evening, but other than that nothing, and in the morning all was quiet again. After I breastfed Benjamin at 5.30am or something crazy, I went back to sleep, and when I woke it was 9.45am!!! When I went downstairs to find out what was going on, Neil told me he decided to stay home again, mainly because of the show and the midwife appointment. His work are fine about it. The only thing about it is the fact that he doesn't have many more paid days off that he's eligible for, and he hasn't started paternity leave yet, so that will mostly be unpaid. But never mind, I guess! I was soooo glad and thankful that he was home today.

Heather came over at about 2pm. She brought homemade chocolate cake - how the boys LOVE Heather, hehe! After we ate that, we went upstairs to chat so that the boys wouldn't distract us too much (we did try it downstairs first but it was not going smoothly!). We talked about the options that might come up during the midwife appointment and how I felt about each one. Then about an hour later, Kerry (the midwife who was at Benjamin's birth and who was also in my brother's class at school!) turned up to do my appointment. She was brilliant, really sensitive and professional. She asked me what my thoughts were on everything, and then we discussed it all. I wondered about induction (since we had to discuss it today) BEFORE Christmas, and she said that might be an option, but that they might also allow me to wait till after Christmas, since the usual time for induction at my hospital is 40 weeks and 11 days or 40 weeks and 12 days, and that would be Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. She said she'd find out for me and ring me later.

My blood pressure was 130/77 which she said was fine but which seem REALLY high for me! Still, I'm 41 weeks pregnant so I guess that has a little to do with it?! I've had my b/p go up a little at the very end with more than one of my other pregnancies, without it being abnormal or worrisome. My urine was fine. She felt my tummy - Samuel got the hiccups just as she was arriving for the appointment and didn't stop until she'd nearly finished, hehe! He's still head down and anterior, which I'm so glad about! I don't think this particular baby has ever been found to be posterior at a midwife appointment, which is unlike several of his brothers! ;) I'm happy about that too. His head is only 2/5 palpable above my pubic bone, so he is engaged! Yay! Kerry's doppler battery had died during the day so she got out her Pinard stethoscope (I have one of those!) and used that instead. For some reason I LOVED that! Old-fashioned midwifery and its tools - love it! She heard his heartrate at 140bpm.

After that we discussed a sweep, well, I just said yes please as soon as she mentioned one, lol! And there I was saying I wouldn't be having one of those only a few weeks ago! ;) I know it's an "intervention" but honestly I'd much prefer that to the type that I'll have to go into hospital for in a short while if nothing else happens! If it works that's great, and I'll take it.

So she checked my cervix while she was at it, and said it was soft and stretchy (good news!), 2cm dilated, and still 1cm thick. I haven't had any contractions as such to press Samuel's head onto it to thin it out, so that's not too surprising. She told me that because my cervix is already soft and dilated, they would not have to bother with the Prostin gel to induce me, if it came to that, because my cervix was already doing what the Prostin gel is supposed to do. I'm dilated enough for them to break my waters, which is what the next stage would be before the IV induction process. So that's good too.

The sweep was ever so quick, which she said was due to it being easy to do with the soft/stretchy-ness, but quite painful. Kerry said she gave it a good tug, so hopefully things would kick off! ;) Within 10 minutes (we were still discussing things and she was writing my notes) I started to feel ever so crampy like a period, and if I had a Braxton Hicks it really hurt in the small of my back. I didn't mention that at all because I knew it was DAFT to think it could take effect so quickly! It's supposed to be a "within 24 hours or so" thing! I did ask how soon it COULD take effect, but she didn't really have an answer for me - just that it would be within 24 hours or so if it happened. She booked an appointment for her to come back on Wednesday this week and do another sweep if the first one hasn't worked.

After she went, I asked Heather about the crampiness, and she was enthusiastic about it. She said it CAN happen within the first hour of a sweep, so I shouldn't brush off the crampiness or sore BHs as nothing at all. Obviously the sweep itself can make you just sore and crampy, and then all fade away if it doesn't take effect, so you can't be too sure!

Heather chatted with me for a while longer, and then went downstairs saying I should have some time to just chill out and relax, while she played with the boys! They were longing to play with her and just spend some time with her, and Neil was starting to cook sausages for dinner. So I relaxed and prayed through my prayers about the birth, and checked my messages online. Heather stayed for an hour playing with the boys and their wooden train track, and I could hear that they were SO thrilled and having a lovely time with her! After Kerry phoned, I went downstairs, as I was having some sore Braxton Hicks and generally felt very uncomfortable and crampy, and if Samuel moved even slightly it felt like sharp needles in my cervix (my poor cervix!). Heather got her things together and went home because she said it seemed like she might need to come back later! She left her slippers behind! But never mind, she said she won't need to bring any when she comes "later"! :)

So we ate and bathed the boys and got them ready for bed. All the while I was just so sore! Mainly feeling kind of hurty around my cervix inside, and also periody crampy in my low tummy and back, which also felt very tight. Any time Samuel moved it was sore, and I had Braxton Hicks here and there which hurt in the small of my back too. As soon as the boys were in bed, I went to the toilet, and found a PROPER bloody show! :) More mucus plug than before, and quite well pink/brown stained. I phoned Heather straight away because I was doubtful about it being an exciting enough discovery, as I'd had a sweep a few hours before. I felt like it could easily just be some blood from the aggravation to my cervix itself rather than to do with labour coming. Heather reminded me (I'd forgotten already!) that Kerry said blood is one thing - and if there's frank blood and more than a little of it, I should go in to hospital to be checked, because that wouldn't be normal - but if it's mucus with blood in it, that's the plug and not just an annoyed cervix. So that was encouraging I guess! I still stayed kind of guarded about whether it was worth getting my hopes up over though.

Heather asked me to phone again before I went to bed to give her an update. So this evening I have sat in bed and mainly just watched episodes of The Duggars on YouTube, and relaxed as best I could. I phoned my mum to keep her posted, and that's it really. I have continued to feel really sore and uncomfy all evening, especially with any movement from Samuel. I have had parts of the evening where I'd be getting BHs quite a bit, and then an hour with nothing much at all, or the ones I would get would be painless, as though my soreness from the actual sweep was calming down. Every time I went to the loo I would have a little bit more blood-stained mucus plug, but not much.

Between 10 and 10.30pm I decided to open another window on my browser and use Contraction Master to time my Braxton Hicks, painless or not, just to see if there was any sort of pattern to report to Heather when I phoned her before bed. I think I charted 7 or 8 contractions over that time, and they WERE more regular than I thought, coming about every 4 minutes, with a 3 and a 7 thrown in there too. They were also all lasting about 40-45 seconds, with one only 25 seconds and another just over a minute long. Many were not painful though, and those that hurt were just sore in a sharp way low down at the front and in what I presume to be my cervical area, so that could just be the sweep I presume?

Anyway, I also started to feel kind of queasy and just a bit anxious about the upcoming event, if it was going to be happening, I mean REALLY happening (!!) soon. Right before I phoned Heather I went to the toilet for a last check on the show to be able to give her the latest news, and found a LOT of it, this time quite heavily RED blood-stained (and some brown). It wasn't bleeding as such though, it was all part of the mucus (sorry for all this TMI! I just want it for my own records!). So THAT really did get me thinking that things were starting off, or would be very soon.

Right away after that I felt queasier than ever and also needed to empty my bowels - another promising sign I guess! ;) I also felt quite shaky. I phoned Heather and she said, "Excellent!" with great enthusiasm to everything I reported, even the queasy/shaky thing!! I said it was NOT excellent to be feeling queasy and shaky, but she said it was a good good sign. I suddenly felt (and still do!) very nervous and apprehensive about the night ahead. I don't know if I'll go into labour during the night but it's a strong possibility. While I have been typing this (it's midnight now), I have had a lot of Braxton Hicks that have hurt very sharply low down at the front of my bump, and that's kind of suspicious to me, sweep or not. Plus the very obvious bloody show... Even with a sweep, the fact that I just lost some redder show makes me think it's not just left over from a previously annoyed cervix. A bloody show is a good indicator that labour is less than 24 hours away. In my own experience, I have only had 2 proper shows for my 4 labours, and both times the bloody shows were followed by labour contractions within 6 hours or less.

I still feel sick and yucky, but less shaky since Neil prayed with me. Now that I've updated here, I'm going to try to sleep. I am REALLY tired so I hope I'll be able to. Right now I don't have any significant contractions to keep me awake, but I have to say that is kind of changing as I type this entry - things are getting uncomfortable enough so that I think it would distract me as I try to lie still in the dark with no distractions and fall asleep. See - right now I have a contraction going on that just plain HURTS low down. It's searing and sore. But I'm good at staying in denial in early labour, haha! I keep putting it down to any manner of things until it's REALLY obvious that I'm in proper labour (long after the midwife was here last time!). So I don't know. But Heather says I can ring her any time during the night if my waters break, I feel like things are getting going, I have a concern or question that needs addressing now and can't wait, or I just can't sleep and wish Heather was here! :) She said she can happily sleep on the sofa if nothing much is happening and I'm trying to sleep, and if everything has stopped by the morning she'll just go home again - no big deal! Did I mention I love my doula?

So I have my phone (well, Neil's - I don't actually have one!) charging by the bed, because Heather likes to be texted in the night rather than phoned - she sleeps through the ring but not the text sound apparently, and it disturbs her family less obviously. I might still wake up in the morning and said, "Oh. I'm still here!" but she doesn't think so. I am not sure. I still think I could wake up with nothing happening in the morning, because it's just gone on so long with nothing happening even with the odd "sign" here and there, so I'm losing confidence in these things!

Samuel is wiggling right now and it's a sore as anything on my cervix when he does, almost too much to bear, so I'm going to go to the toilet one last time and then to bed, and hope for some sleep. And that I don't get queasier or start throwing up! I'm still so scared of doing that. I feel better that I did though. I'm just nervous!!! I really don't want to go through labour and birth tonight! Or at all, suddenly! But I know I have to eventually, and it'll be SO worth it! I'm a bit scared about the placenta being delivered and what might happen with it, after the baby is born... But I just have to pray and give it all to God, and trust Him. There's nothing else I can do. I think I also feel a bit weirdly insecure because it's dark and night time and that just doesn't feel as "settled" to me to be feeling sore or yucky as when it's day time. I am just like that, I guess. I would probably feel more secure in the day time. It snowed again this evening, another inch or two, so hopefully that won't slow down anyone coming to attend me if things move really fast! I would NOT want to be without a midwife this time, given that my placenta might possibly cause me issues within a short time after giving birth.

In case it DOES happen tonight, and I don't get chance to update again before it does, please please pray that God will be close to me and keep me safe and without fear. And that labour will be quick and manageable somehow! And that the placenta just plops on out with its lobe and all, and not much bleeding. Thank you so much in advance for your prayers! It means ever so much to me! xxx

40 weeks and 6 days...

2010-12-19T18:00:00.002Z

Yes, ANOTHER update! *sigh*

I'm updating early tonight (it's only 6pm and the boys are eating beans on toast at the mo so I have a couple of minutes), because I think we will just relax with a movie again tonight and it will be nicer to be able to just go to bed relaxed afterwards instead of feeling the need to come online and update my blog about all things baby/pregnancy-related!

Tomorrow is, of course, the big 41 Weeks milestone that I do not want to reach! If I wake up tomorrow with as little going on in my womb as today (and all the previous days!) then it will be a record for me. Matthew was born at exactly 41 weeks - my latest birth - but I was having contractions any time I woke in the night, and had them from getting up in the morning too.

This morning we did do the parsnips suggestion, and nothing seems to have resulted from that yet. I have lost some mucus plug since (more than previous times, but nothing to get excited about) but I figured that could be just down to the parsnips and not much else? My back is achy and sore all the time, but we also went out today to the park for a family walk in the lovely snow! We didn't go out for long as it took FOREVER to get all the boys dressed up in snow gear, and the sun sets so early that we lost the light after about 40 minutes and had to come home. I didn't do much actual walking because it is just too painful with my Pelvic Girdle Pain. I wore my harness/belt thingy for the walk which helped I think. I'm sore though!

Soooo, tomorrow I have a midwife appointment anytime from 3pm at home. Heather is coming over at 2.30pm so we can chat about what the appointment might hold. I am pretty sure I'll have a sweep at the appointment, but I'm not sure what else will come up. Neil will go to work, so I'm not looking forward to that, as it will be a hard and exhausting day with the boys and no lie-in (another reason to update now instead of LATE tonight!). They are being really difficult at the moment, but then I guess that's to be expected with all that's going on, and the fact that you could cut the tension in the air with a knife - everyone is so focused on the baby coming and he's just... NOT coming! We're not really making a thing of it in front of the boys, but we can't help that it's just out there anyway, and the boys are well aware that he "should" be here by now. Arthur is asking impatiently EVERY DAY if it's time for the doctors to give me the special medicine to make my tummy start to squeeze Samuel out yet! ;) He's bored of waiting, but if there's any sign that I might be going to have him that day (like Thursday morning) he behaves like he's not actually dealing with it all that well, even though he's eager as well. Poor boys! *sigh*

Well, I haven't got much else to report. The boys are down from the table and at least 2 or 3 are crying and hyper about something and I hear Neil trying to deal with it all, so I will go and help him! Back as soon as there's news. Or just the usual update tomorrow evening I suppose. The 20th. I never thought I'd get to the 20s! Come on Samuel, pleeeeease?!

40 weeks and 5 days...

2010-12-18T22:51:00.003Z

Can't believe I'm still here counting the days since my due date! FIVE now!

Well, it's 10.50pm and I have absolutely no signs of labour yet again. Nothing at all to report through the day either. I did get pretty deflated at one point earlier in the day, and phoned Heather to update her around that time. We ended up having a long chat which was ever so helpful. She suggested that I should have a bit of a change of scenery, and also to try a few things to relax a bit. She said that Neil and I should watch a movie together tonight, just to relax and be distracted from baby-related stuff. And that I should drink a glass of red wine while we watched it! :) She also suggested that we have parsnips (haven't used that term in a while, so if you're new here and have no idea what I'm talking about - "parsnips" is my code word to stop gross googlers stopping by! ;) ), but neither of us have wanted to. We did watch a movie in bed together and drink a glass of red wine, and it was SUCH a nice relaxing evening! :) I also opened a big tin of Quality Street that I was going to save for Christmas, and that has been a nice treat as well! :)

Heather said that we should plan to go out somewhere tomorrow, as a family. Nothing too much, just a local walk where I can do a little bit of walking out in the fresh air, and the little ones can run about. We got 5 inches of snow today (not too common in the London area!) and it's not going to get above freezing over the next 48 hours, so it will all still be there to play in tomorrow. We're going to go to the park and have a change of scenery, since it's Sunday and Neil will be home. I should make sure I take a phone with me, just in case, but otherwise it's supposed to be a distraction and change in activity for me. I am just like a watched pot now - never boiling!!

I felt loads better after my chat with Heather, and told her so. She just said, "That's what doulas are for!" :) LOVE having a doula, and still so grateful to Michelle for talking me into getting one last pregnancy!

I have not bothered too much with checking for "signs" today. I haven't checked my cervix, and I'm not going to again either. I haven't checked for a show all day long, although the times I have been to the loo anyway have been rather disappointing in that department! But never mind. He'll come when he comes. If he doesn't come tomorrow, I am feeling so depressed about the prospect of Monday rolling round - 41 weeks exactly - and Neil going off to work again. The midwife will come round that day too. Heather is coming over at around 3pm (the midwife can turn up any time from 3pm after clinic finishes, but sometimes not until as late as 4pm) to be with me, and to see the boys, and I'm so looking forward to that moral support, and the break in the day having someone around. I know they will offer me a sweep on Monday, and I think now that I will accept it. They will also want to book me an appointment to be induced, and you know what? I think I will take that too. Heather was saying earlier that she thinks I would be much less stressed about waiting if it wasn't for Christmas being so close, and she's right. It's a pain having Christmas SO CLOSE and nothing happening! I do not want to be in hospital on Christmas Day or even Christmas Eve - I want to be at home with my little ones! If I am induced as early as 10 days past my due date, it will still be December 23rd and if it doesn't all kick off straight away, I may not have Heather with me for my birth. She is able to be with me up to and including December 23rd, and then not until the 27th (by which time I will have had the baby one way or another). If I DO give birth on the 23rd but bleed afterwards, or even don't bleed but they want to keep Samuel in to observe him re. the GBS, then I could easily find myself stuck in hospital late on Christmas Eve or even on Christmas Day. And I just DON'T. WANT. THAT. I will be so unhappy if I'm there on Christmas Day instead of at home with my children. For that reason I think I would want to be induced no later than December 22nd, which is Wednesday. Nine days past my due date. Not that far away. If it was any other time of year, I would probably be resisting induction even beyond the 12 days with the help of my doula. But Christmas really does throw a different spin on it for me, and makes things seem more complicated, and that changes how I am choosing to handle things.

I talked with Heather about it, and she was very supportive and understanding - her job is just to support me in my choices and she does it ever so well. She does not think I will need to be induced - she is sure the baby will come before then, and it seems statistically likely to me too, but in all other ways I am losing confidence, since just NOTHING is happening! Heather reminded me today that labour can start only a couple of hours down the line when you're feeling like it's never going to happen. Or a few days still. There's just no way to know, but it CAN happen.

Anyway. I have passed the 13th, 14th, 15th, 16th, 17th and now the 18th of December! Tomorrow is the 19th. Too many days have now gone by for me to keep on thinking each day, "Maybe the ____th will be Samuel's birthday?!" in excited anticipation. I am leaning more towards, "Tomorrow's the 19th.... I don't expect he'll have that day as a birthday either." But I certainly do hope he comes soon! I REALLY REALLY don't want to get into the 20s of December. Come on Samuel B. Bamuel (yes, he has daft nicknames already, poor child!) - Mummy is LONGING to hold you in her arms now! Please come out soon.