7 weeks, 2 days - bleurrrrgh!

Urrghhh, I feel soooooooo sick! Which is pretty much my exact wording (probably!) for all the "7 weeks" diary entries from my previous pregnancies! ;) But I really really really do. I am feeling a bit fed up of feeling so sick all the time, but NOT fed up of being pregnant. I love growing new tiny persons! :)

I am so looking forward to reaching the end of 7 weeks (I will reach my half-week point at the end of the day tomorrow, yay!) and heading into 8 weeks! Six and seven weeks are grim really, and very early on too. Eight weeks is still so nauseating and yucky, BUT it's exciting because before the week is over I start listening for the baby's heartbeat with my doppler!! :) I can't WAIT to hear that sweet sound! I didn't search earlier than 9 weeks exactly with my older three, but I searched at 8 weeks and 5 days with Benjamin, and there it was! I'll probably start around the same time this time. Only just over a week to goooo! :D

A couple of days ago I got my package from the hospital with all the usual information and also the date for my booking appointment with the midwife, and my 12 week scan! I love getting this particular package in the post each time! :) They send quite a thick booklet with alllll the information about the various tests and so on, and the hospital, what to expect, etc - all related to my local hospital. I have noticed over the years/babies (!) that they change the design on the front cover pretty much annually. The first one I had was 2004/2005 (Arthur), then they had a new design for 2005/2006 (Matthew), then I guess I must have missed one before the 2007/2008 one for Nathan. Benjamin's was a new design again for 2008/2009. It's always a really gorgeous photo of a newborn baby, taken at the hospital. I have kept all the booklets from my previous pregnancies, so I remember the photos on the front from my other pregnancies. Guess what the photo on the front is for 2010/2011? Yes, that's right! Newborn identical twin girls. I am not kidding! Every year it's a single newborn baby on the front, except THIS year! Uncanny.... I showed it to Neil with a chuckle, and he smiled, unsurprised, and said, "Hmmm!" Now, I really do LIKELY have one boy in there this time, but both Neil and I have seen and heard of craaaazy numbers of girl twins just since finding out I am pregnant. Before that even, but since conception. Anyway, it's a funny coincidence if nothing else!

So my booking appointment with the midwife is May 21st at 10.10am. That one should last a good while (but be fun!) because I have to go through a detailed history of my previous pregnancies and births! I love that part! :) I also have to have blood taken. Fun.

My scan will be June 3rd at 1.50pm! Yay! I will be 12 weeks and 3 days pregnant. They offer this scan specifically between 11 weeks and 5 days, and 13 weeks and 6 days. This is the "dating" scan, and also the nuchal test scan if we want to have that done. But we won't. They have changed it from just measuring the baby's nuchal fold to doing that AND me having a blood test. Benjamin's pregnancy was the first one I'd had since this change, and I said no to the test because it matters not a jot whether our baby has Down Syndrome or not. I do not want an extra blood test for something that isn't relevant to us! So we'll refuse that this time too, and as I recall, that makes for a very quick scan. I think it was only about 5 minutes long last time, which was a tad disappointing! We did see VERY clearly that Benjamin was a boy at the 12 week scan. It was the first time I had heard of the "angle of the dangle" theory (!!) with the genital tubercle (only accurate after 12 weeks and before 14 or 15 weeks apparently), and we happened to get a very good "nub shot" in the picture we were given, and he was a very obvious boy by the angle! ;) So I think I may have a good chance of seeing what this baby is in just 5 weeks, with that theory, if we get a good view like last time! 12 weeks and 3 days is just in the right window too! :) After all the scrutinizing I did last time and all the gallery images I browsed through, I pretty much know exactly what I'm looking for with either gender, and should hopefully be able to spot it at a glance if there is a good profile of the baby.

Well I am feeling sick enough to need to draw this to a close now, so I will quickly try to remember anything else I wanted to say.... Still no bleeding of any sort! :) I'm dizzy a lot at the moment, and INSANELY exhausted, seriously. I slept half the morning today, did nothing strenous whatsoever after I got up, and then took Benjamin for his second round of immunisations this afternoon, and was shaky and grey with exhaustion for the rest of the afternoon. The slightest thing just exhausts me! I wonder how much of that is normal? I know from experience that the first trimester is exhausting, but I feel pretty sure that this is NOT my norm. I wondered if maybe it is my diet - in that I'm not eating as much or as well as I normally do due to the constant nausea, but even so, that has been the case every pregnancy so it can't be that. Or maybe that I'm still breastfeeding on demand day and night? But this is my fourth (!!) pregnancy breastfeeding, and my 3rd tandem nursing - wow! :) When I was pregnant with Benjamin I was TRIandum nursing for the first trimester, and I still don't remember feeling as exhausted as I do now. So it can't be that. My mum wonders if it's my blood pressure being low or something? It could easily be - my blood pressure is nice and low in general, and in the first half of my pregnancies (or most of them, sometimes) it goes even lower. So it could be that. I should get my sphyg out and check, but I keep not getting round to it. Of course I have googled and discovered that the main early symptom that twin mothers have which is different from a singleton pregnancy is the extreme level of exhaustion. Hmmm. But I am (honestly!) trying not to think about that, because it's more realistic to think of another boy on the way! ;)

Oh, I caved and told my grandparents last week. So now everyone knows. I wanted to leave it a LONG time before telling them, because I knew they were not going to be happy and would worry for us. But it became something that hung over me, and eventually I figured it would be best to just get it out of the way, so I did. I phoned Granny on a day when I knew they had had GOOD news (they often have little things to complain about, and it's never a good idea to say, "We're having a baby!" when something has gone wrong for them in the last 48 hours or so!), and when she asked how I was, I told her that I wasn't feeling very well. She sounded concerned and asked what was wrong. I told her nothing was wrong, but I wasn't feeling well because I was expecting a baby. There was a VERY cold silence, and then she said in a rather cross tone, "Where are you going to put it?" I said (cheerfully!) that we needed to move, and she said crossly, "You said that last time!" I just tried to say everything as cheerfully and calmly as possible, so that she might be reassured?! But anyway. It was no fun. She did not say the word "congratulations" once, or anything close to it. It was way worse than last time I announced a pregnancy, but even so, I had wanted to tell Granny and not Grandoug first, because he would just have been more negative, and said, "Oh Alice, you're not, are you?!" and generally huffed about negatively while I tried to tell him due dates and stuff. I knew Granny wouldn't be pleased as such, but at least she would probably conceal actual "what a stupid thing to go and do!" type phrases while I talked to her about it!

Ugh. I love my grandparents though. They love me and worry for me. They are very anti-Christian and Jesus angers them. They mock Christianity. So they don't understand trusting God at all, or anything related to it. They have no idea how we'll cope. I have no idea either, but I know we WILL because these children are given to us by God, along with everything we need to raise them and provide for them according to His will! That is His promise to us, and I trust Him completely to provide for our needs, and equip us for the task. So, my grandparents can't even understand the language I'm talking in if I start saying things like that, let alone the concept.

I told Granny that we couldn't go and buy a new home right now because of Neil's situation, but he was hoping to have something soon that he could show the bank to enable us to get a mortgage. She snapped, "It's called an INCOME." :S She is never like that. I think she was just cross that we'd gone and done something that irresponsible or daft. Or something like that. I talked cheerfully for a while longer and after a while she sighed and said, "So, when is IT going to happen then?" ??!?!?! What kind of question is that?! I was hurt by that one. I told her December 13th, and she commented on a cold weather baby. *sigh* She just was NOT in the mood to be happy about any part of it. She said after that how she was glad to "hear my news" but that she had to go now because she had lots to do. I'm sure she then told Grandoug the second she was off the phone, but he hasn't been in touch with me since. I phoned my mum right after that, and she was surprisingly supportive of me, even though she hadn't responded brilliantly only a couple of weeks before when we told her the news. She asked if I was okay, and I was. I sort of laughed it off really because... I don't know actually. But it seemed lighthearted at the time, and not a big deal. Since then it has started to bother me a little more, especially the fact that they have not been in touch after it has sunk in a bit, to actually congratulate us. But they have visitors over from the States right now, and are actually staying with my parents for a week or so at the moment, so I guess they have been busy and preoccupied with their visitors and travelling to my parents'. Maybe I will speak to them while they are there, and they'll be more positive?

I have just felt a bit deflated recently about what I was warned about coming true - where people stop celebrating with you after the fourth baby, or even earlier in some cases. We got a plethora of new baby cards after we had Arthur, dozens and dozens and dozens. We ran out of places to display them! And the same again after we had Matthew. Considerably fewer after Nathan. And five. FIVE - count 'em on one hand - after Benjamin. He's still a miraculous and wonderful new little person!!! Why won't people see that and be happy and celebrate?!?! It really hurt my feelings! I know I need thicker skin, especially with the direction we're heading in (5+ children territory, lol!), but it really did hurt. Benjamin had no concept and didn't care a jot, but I felt hurt on his behalf all the same. It's not so much the number of cards as the incredible contrast between the first couple of new babies and the latest one. I notice (no digs, just a rather depressing observation) that for my first 3 pregnancies I had a LOT of comments and feedback from most of my diary entries, no matter how waffly and boring they were (hehe!), at my pregnancy diary. During Benjamin's pregnancy, a LOT less. Plenty of friendly and happy comments, but really noticably less than the other times. People mostly popped along in greater numbers like the old days to say something when there was significant news to warrant a comment, like a scan or a heartbeat, or a major issue or something. This time I have basically 2 cheerleaders here (love you girls!) and a handful of busy-but-excited-and-supportive mamas, and an Annie (xxx), occasionally commenting. Lots of entries have no comments, and sometimes I only find spam in the comment box! That is really uplifting, I can tell you! ;) I know I'm very boring in the first trimester, but I was the first few times too... It's just the stark contrast again. I also think that many of the commenters from my first few pregnancies were other mothers who were going through pregnancies/new motherhood at the same time as me, so maybe it was more relevant and interesting to visit my diary and comment back then. Obviously I am continuing to have babies now, and they aren't, and pregnancy is probably seeming quite a long way in the past now to some, so I wondered if the lack of "relevance" is a reason why they are no longer visiting or commenting.

Now, reading that back, it seems like I am stirring up complaints, but I had no intention of doing so. I just see it as an across-the-board thing where a 5th pregnancy is no longer a cause for excitement or joy or celebration, or even INTEREST, like the first two or three were. It's something that other mothers-of-many told me to expect, as far back as a few pregnancies ago. So I was not caught by surprise, but I AM disappointed and sad about the reality of it being played out. Also, where is this spam-in-language-I-can't-even-read coming from?! I'm deleting it as I find it, but still, it's annoying me! :S

I emailed my sweet and lovely doula, Heather, last night. She has booked me in, and told me that another lady has enquired for December - due on the 3rd. She has told the lady that she will be happy to take her on but that she will be second priority because she already has a booking! Yay, that's ME!!!! :D I was second priority last time, and it unnerved me a lot when July rolled around, so I'm reeeally pleased to be first priority this time! :) Anyway, I am (fanfare!!) in the process of writing Benjamin's birth story (more than halfway there now, yay!) and have lost the notes that Heather wrote. So I emailed her for another copy, and she emailed me back with them this morning! :) I had told her about my grandparents' reaction, and she wrote me SUCH a lovely email today about it. She was so encouraging and told me it's not the world that's normal and I'm insane, it's ME that's normal, and society isn't! ;) She sees babies as blessings from the Lord as well, and she told me to have as much joy as I could muster, reminded me how thrilled and joyful SHE is for me, and said I should keep reading 'Above Rubies' for encouragement :) So that was really uplifting to me after feeling a bit deflated for a week or two now. I AM so happy and cheerful about my pregnancy but I feel like I am sort of trying to hold up everyone else's good feelings about it with my own cheerfulness. And on a tired and nauseous day (after many in a row), it sometimes feels a bit much to be dragging everyone along reluctantly, trying to keep them in a celebratory vibe over this sweet new baby when it's just not coming naturally to them. That's probably a really skewed perspective but it's just how it feels today.

Agh, I said I would go ages ago because of naaauuusea but I didn't, and now I feel too green to move :( I will have to find something I can bear nibbling, and then I should feel better enough to brush my teeth and go to bed.

Sorry if this has been a bit pfthth, and PLEASE don't get defensive about the whole comments thing. I'm too tired right now to attempt to explain my innocence (really!) on that but please just don't take it the wrong way and think I'm whining about not getting comments from people any more, or angling for more of them. I DO want more comments please! ;) See, I'm not angling at all - I will be quite up-front if I need to, hehe! Comments = love, and I could do with some more right now, so even when I'm boring I would so appreciate more comments on this equally precious journey to the last four. I was just making an observation and feeling in a depressed mood about it, earlier, that's all.

Okay I am going to try to eat something and go to bed. I'll update again soon, hopefully. Oh! I meant to see what the baby's development is like now, but I haven't, and it will have to wait now. I'm sure it's amazing! :) My sweet little pip! I love that tiny poppet!