On the eve of 5 weeks...

Thank you all for the sweet and encouraging comments on my last post.

Today I temped again when I woke, just because. I thought it would be good to keep that up for a while, given the confusion over things. And I got 36.41, quite a drop from before, and it worried me because that usually only happens when my progesterone has dropped low enough for bleeding to start. Usually I bleed the same day I start out with a temp drop. And I thought surely I wouldn't be bleeding yet because of the positive test yesterday. Then I remembered that it took ages to show the result on that test, which maybe meant that it was hardly picking up any hcg at all, and then eventually had just enough for a positive result. So if my hcg was still dropping today, then maybe I could bleed today. :(

I also wasn't sure if I could detect ANY nausea this morning, and waited for it to kick in, because some days it has kicked in late in the morning or around lunchtime. It did kick in just before lunch, which was reassuring, but it was so much milder than it has been. I have stayed nauseous all day (still here now at midnight) but it's really just very mild queasiness.

By this evening I was exhausted as usual. Neil was unexpectedly going to be late home (8.30+), and I was so wiped and scatterbrained that I still hadn't sorted out dinner for the kids and it was 7.45pm! I was in the kitchen trying to figure that out, and noticed I had a dragging backache that made my muscles feel tired and strained, not like a "sore back" that you can get sometimes. I also felt the sensation I've been feeling a lot, that maybe I was bleeding, which has always been increased amount of normal CM that I get during pregnancy. So I went to the loo, and by the looks of it I had only just started bleeding. It was red on my pad, like heavy red spotting, or red CM, rather than red flow.

I had ordered more FRER tests so that I could test tomorrow and find out whether that 18dpo line that had been lighter, was progressing to even lighter or not. Given the bleeding, despite having been for a wee 5 hours before, I figured that was long enough at 20DPO to see a line and make a judgement, and I POAS. Here's what I got - another photo with my crappy tablet (I don't have the use of my cameras at the moment, and the tablet takes rubbish unfocused photos that blur and can't pick up detail!):

So sad to see the confirmation. Almost a negative result. You probably can't see the test line at all - if anything it just looks like a faint shadowy-ness on the photo. I can see the line on the test itself - not like squinting for a maybe-there line when first testing. An obvious (to me) second line, but just super SUPER faint. I could see it without difficulty to the naked eye, though I had to turn the test towards the light to see it well enough, but I found it impossible to photograph on my stupid tablet camera, the only camera I've got at the moment. I'm so angry that I couldn't capture such an important thing - the last glimpse of my little one's evidence before it faded away forever. :(

So, there we are.

I came downstairs and put something fun on TV for the children while I went to make their dinner. Neil and I were planning to eat later after they were in bed. I just felt so weird. Surreal like when I found out I was pregnant, but sad surreal instead of happy surreal. The radio was on in the kitchen (I listen to music a lot), and the songs were like a bizarre playlist of beautiful heart-rending tracks specifically picked to twang the emotions of someone who had just started a miscarriage that very day. I mean, I know they weren't, but it seemed like it - the lyrics were so... too much of the words, "baby", "beautiful girl", "I love you", and phrases about coming to the end of the rainbow, never forgetting, always loving - I just listened and cried. I couldn't stop the tears. I think I got all of two pieces of bread buttered before Neil finally got home. When he came in I could barely talk to him in the hallway without my face and voice giving my emotion away, but I was able to tell him I was bleeding and got a lighter line on the test (not sure if he heard that last part, because he seemed surprised to hear it later). He gave me a quick hug and asked if I wanted to go upstairs. I nodded, and he took over making dinner. I was so thankful to escape to let go of the hold I was trying to keep on my feelings because of the kids around. I went up with the tablet, so that I could message friends and update the places I'd been asking advice about the tests. I shut my bedroom door and turned out the light, and sat with my back against the door crying for a while. Just so heartbroken, and at the same time feeling so silly because it's so early and it pales in comparison to "real" losses further down the line. I know it's still a loss, but I can't seem to justify my emotions over it somehow. I can't get past it.

I was so sure this baby would have been - was - a girl, because of the girl morning sickness. It was the weirdest feeling - I guess this is all new to me, I am so thankful to have never had a miscarriage before - that I hadn't... lost anything yet. Whatever bleeding is going, is very light so far, just heavy spotting really. I am mildly crampy and have some backache, but that's it. I know it will kick in, and I guess it will be like a heavy period? I don't know. I don't know when, but I hope it won't be dragged out. On the other hand, the thing that made me cry the most was not wanting my body to flush her out. I did not want to physically let go of the life that had been starting, even though it wasn't life any longer, and it needed to go. The feeling of bleeding lightly onto my pad while desperately not wanting to bleed my baby out was weird and overwhelming and I didn't expect the emotion that came with it. I would feel it like a wave, cry, and then feel almost embarrassed because a wave of awkwardness would come, that I was only 5 weeks (almost) and the baby was "just" a squiggle, just visible to the naked eye. An amazingly detailed squiggle, but still just a lil squiggle with a potential for a heartbeat in a couple of days. Totally different to losing a baby with arms and legs and facial features and a heart that had been beating. I want to own my feelings without them keeping on being replaced by a sense of foolishness, but at the same time I don't feel like they are justified. Even though I know the theory that loss is loss, and not to compare. *sigh* Maybe it's because it's never happened to me before? I don't know.

So that is the update. Sad update. I'm sad about it. I'm glad to have had such clear obvious signs that I was pregnant, and that they are photographed and documented. There's still food and drink in the kitchen that was bought to help me feel less queasy. I have lovely bold lines on test sticks that show I was healthily pregnant for a little bit at least. I wish I could have kept her. I really wanted her. I would have loved a third little girl in my little gaggle of sisters, another girl for the big brothers to dote on, someone to wear the hand-me-downs from Lydia and Rosalie that I have so enjoyed dressing them in. I would still be happy to have a boy, and it has been almost 5 years since I gave birth to a baby boy! But I would have LOVED another daughter - and for a short while she was there, really and truly. Not just "maybe I was pregnant?", but definitely. Truly. Maybe she wasn't a girl? That's possible. But I will always hold to the idea that she was, because the morning sickness was indisputable to me - like Lydia and Rosalie's and NOT like my six boys. I wondered briefly about naming her like I named Toby, but it feels too painful to think about, so I maybe won't.

I am not going to take any more tests because today's was almost negative, and testing further would be pointless. I will temp though, into a new cycle and beyond. I am still waiting to actually bleed. To get to the point of loss. I haven't lost anything physically yet. Probably tomorrow. Neil has been sweet, and given me cuddles tonight. He has texted his boss and told him, and his boss said to take tomorrow off! Which is so lovely, and I'm so glad to have him home tomorrow. I will update again for closure soon.

4 weeks, 5 days

End of the day, almost, and I'm nearly 5 weeks pregnant. I'm 19DPO today. If you've read my blog for my other pregnancies you'll know that I chart and temp until 18DPO, and also tend to take a final test that day, or 16DPO. Since I last posted here, I took a test at 16DPO. Because the 14DPO test line was so dark, almost exactly the same as the control line, I figured that two days later, the line would be at least as dark as the control line. I got a nice quick clear positive, but I thought maybe the line wasn't quite as dark as the last test. It was so similar though, that eventually I let it go, and thought I would check again at 18DPO.

Fast forward to yesterday morning. I saw the line right away, but it stayed so faint until maybe the 3-5 minute mark. I mean, less faint than my first test at 11DPO. My heart just sank. When it had dried, I was able to compare it with the other tests more accurately. The line was definitely lighter. It was first morning urine, at least 9-10 hours worth as usual. I knew it was not a good sign, but the confusing thing is the fact that I've been so nauseated (DEFINITELY morning sickness. I know that like that back of my hand) every single day since it started at 3 weeks and 6 days in the evening. Some days it is barely there until mid or late morning, and other days (most days) it is there whenever I'm awake. It's nowhere near as bad as the full blown thing that really kicks in properly from 5.5 weeks or so, but it's pretty yucky, especially if I get too hungry. It's early for me to have persistent morning sickness, but it was similar with Rosie. Milder than this at this stage though, even so...

Here's a photo of the 18DPO fainter test line, with the others for comparison. 

That was my last test. It was supposed to just be an extra, fun confirmation test to finish off with. :/ I knew I would need to buy more to keep tabs on what was going on. Asking on my large family group was helpful, and so was my friend Rebecca. Some of them said it could just be a variation in the dye, or just a random thing that you can't really rely on. Most of them said just get blood work done - ah, if only it were that simple! They don't do that here in the UK, unless - like my situation last time - you are bleeding like crazy and they can confirm a pregnancy with a test, but not visualise the evidence with an ultrasound. THEN they will do a beta test, and follow it up with another to see if the numbers are doubling. I had that for the first time with Rosie, because of those circumstances. But otherwise it's just a "time will tell" thing, and I will have to see if my tests get lighter, or just wait and see. I HATE waiting to see. It stresses me much more than getting a heads up with changing tests. I mustn't let myself hope if there isn't any, because it will be much more painful if I do. So, testing helps that, I guess. Some people said to stop testing because it will drive me crazy. I don't work that way. I guess they are not anxious people - lucky them.

I went to order more First Response tests that I had been using, but remembered that Rebecca suggested taking a Clearblue Digital to see what estimation it gave me on the number of weeks since conception (based on the amount of hcg the test picks up). There is absolutely no question about my dates, and I knew that I would be 2 weeks and 5 days after conception today, when the test would arrive, so I knew it should say "Pregnant 2-3". Maybe if the level of hormones had risen quicker (like with twins I guess), it might even say 3+ since I'm near to 3 weeks after conception. If it said 1-2, that would be bad news, I think.

I got a twin pack of digital tests today, and since they arrived in the afternoon and I was in no way going to be able to hold my pee until then from the night before (lol!), I went to the loo in the morning around 8.30am and then managed to wait until 5.45pm. So, plenty of urine saved up. I took the test and waited. It took AGES to show a result, which I thought was odd because it said that it would take 3 minutes, and in some cases it would show a result within 1 minute. It took longer than 3 minutes. Four or so, I think. Anyway, it said this:

Pregnant 1-2. I know that's not good. :( Everything seems like I am probably waiting to miscarry, but the one confusing thing remains the pregnancy symptoms. If my hcg levels have been dropping even just for a few days, at this early stage my symptoms would surely disappear immediately. It's not like there's enough hcg built up over weeks to maintain symptoms while waiting to miscarry - it's too early for that. Heck, it's too early for pregnancy symptoms really, even for me! But they're there. Nausea all day. Crushing exhaustion complete with dizzy spells and swinging rooms. Crazy sensitive smell and taste. Weirdly soft skin. All the stuff, and more, than I usually have in week 4. So that really confuses me, and is the only thing giving me hope. Which I'm nervous to allow myself to have, because it's probably not something to invest in. I want to hope because I don't want to give up on a pregnancy that just MIGHT continue - someone said not to be all negative vibes over my baby, in case it needs my positivity to survive. :/ But I so WANT this baby. I so want her. My morning sickness is so very much GIRL, that I feel sure she is one. Her little heart should start beating in a few days. I've been looking forward to that milestone so very much. I can't put all my emotions in either direction because it's all up in the air - who knows what is going on yet, and I will have to wait. I can't hope, and I can't grieve. Yet.

I was planning to take the second Clearblue Digital test in a few days, when it REALLY should say Pregnant 3+, but Pregnant 2-3 will do, just to see it going up from 1-2 weeks. Now I'm thinking that I might also buy another FRER test and see if it has a line that's lighter still, than the 18DPO one. It wouldn't arrive tomorrow now, so it would be 5 weeks exactly that I would test again at the earliest. But my 18DPO line was as light as the 11DPO line. And I used a Clearblue digital test with Lydia at 9DPO, and got this exact result - "Pregnant 1-2", which means that maybe my HCG level was at an 11DPO stage yesterday, and today is around a 9DPO stage? Maybe. So, maybe I won't even make it to the day after tomorrow before I start bleeding?

I hate waiting! Even if I know it's coming, I'm really anxious about starting to bleed. Just seeing it really. I will update again to keep you posted, if there's anything to report. Otherwise I am waiting. Weirdly detached, and then completely emotionally invested, and then weirdly detached, and just waiting. Parenting and snuggling littles, and making lunches through nausea, and taking off muddy boots and correcting spelling, and doing bedtime prayers and cuddling my hubby. It feels like it's taking forever to know, but it's really not long I suppose.

4 weeks!

I still totally can't believe it! 😁

I tested again yesterday at 13DPO  (chose not to at 12DPO), and again this morning for 14DPO. The line is about as dark as the control line already - I'm sure it took longer with Rosalie's tests! 😮 I am going to use my last 2 tests at 16 and 18DPO.

Here's the photo of today's test at the bottom, with the 11DPO and 13DPO tests above it. I only have a pretty poor camera on my tablet at the moment, so the test pics are not as nice and crisp as the ones I've posted with my other pregnancies, but oh well!

It is still so surreal, and I am not sure what to think! I feel very odd about that because... it's unusual for me to feel so detached. I think it has been protective, because I assumed that since I'm in my 40s, I may as well get ready to miscarry - I have since been reassured by lots of mamas having babies in their 40s, some several years older than I am. Which is reassuring, to say the least!

Another thing that's reassuring (and slightly unnerving) is that last night, after putting the kids to bed, I was so beyond knackered, and I made dinner for the kids before Neil got home from work (he was home at 8.30pm last night). We sometimes eat with the children, but I love eating with Neil after they are all in bed, so we probably do that more than 50% of the time. Anyway, I did not get dinner started for us until just before we did bedtime for the kids, and when I got downstairs, I realised that I felt a bit queasy. I have a zillion reasons for random queasiness, but this specific type of queasy is unmistakable to me after all these pregnancies, and mild though it is, it's definitely morning sickness queasy. At 3 weeks and 6 days! I've always had worse morning sickness in the evenings, and on occasion, ONLY in the evenings, so it made sense in that way. Today I didn't really think about it until late morning when I thought maybe I was getting hungry an hour before lunch, which is unusual in itself for me. The reason I wondered is that I felt slightly queasy, and then I realised what it was. I've stayed queasy for the rest of the day, especially with strong smells or when I got a wave of particularly overwhelming tiredness, or I was getting hungry. No doubt about it at all! It's VERY mild, but I remembered having some mild morning sickness early on before, and then it really kicked in around 6 weeks.

I decided to check my blog (thank God for my blog!) to find out more, and INTERESTING... I have had mild morning sickness from 4w3d with Lydia, and 3w5d with Rosalie. The boys were all 5 weeks and a couple of days up to 6 weeks before it kicked in bad, with no mild stuff beforehand. I have ZERO gender hunches, maybe because I haven't been really getting my head around the fact that I'm pregnant (which, clearly I am catching up to now!), but that's the first thing that makes me wonder if this baby is another (could it really be?!!) girl. Wouldn't that just be amazing?! To have three girls in a row after six boys in a row, when I never thought I would ever have a girl, lol! Crazy! 😁

My sense of smell is really sharp today, and when the dishwasher finished running and it was still warm, it smelled SO nausea-inducing. Car exhaust fumes from no discernable source through the closed front door, and hubby's coat. Bleurgh. Everything stinks! ;) But that's all a good sign.

I'm really thirsty all the time (no diabetes - I had a health check a few weeks ago where my blood sugar and cholesterol were checked (both normal) and then a fasting blood test for diabetes for some weird reason that I didn't understand, since my sugar was normal! But it all came back normal just yesterday, thankfully!), and drinking lots of water very gratefully while I can, as I know it won't be long before I spend months not able to tolerate water in even tiny amounts. Soooo not looking forward to that part! My morning sickness has been worse with my girls, so if it's another girl... :/ I put a little chart on my wall to colour in every morning and evening, to help  me make it through the days, with Rosie. :) So I might do that again! Anything that helps.

I have a headache tonight so I'm going to bed. I just wanted to update here first. I'm really tired out all the time, which I guess is normal and pregnant of me. I truly can't believe I'm back here again, tracking another pregnancy with another precious little one! I'm relaxing more today, and starting to really feel in love with the tiny growing little being inside me. So amazing, and so surreal. NINE blessings. Nine. I'm just amazed at how God has blessed us! :)