Miscarriage update

Well, I would be 5 weeks pregnant today, and as I expected, things kicked off yesterday. It's bizarre how exactly the same it is to my last miscarriage.

Matthew has an infection around his fingernail which he went to the doctor for a couple of days ago. He's on antibiotics and she said that if it gets any worse meanwhile, to take him to A&E (ER). So yesterday morning it looked the same as always, and Neil went to work. By late morning it was bad enough that I took photos of it and emailed them to Neil at work so he could help me decide! ;) It was a helpful distraction from what I was waiting for, at least. Neil decided to come home and err on the side of caution. He had already told his boss about the finger and the impending miscarriage, and he was very understanding and told him to get home already. :) By the time he got back, it was obvious that Matthew would need to go to the hospital. They left at around 3pm (it takes a while to get back from where he works in London), and about an hour before that, I went to the toilet and discovered a solitary pink spot on my pad (which I'd put there for security). There was pink CM when I wiped, and I knew this was it. I didn't have even the slightest feeling of crampiness, or the backache that had directly preceded the bleeding on my last miscarriage. I figured that since everything was exactly the same so far, the actual miscarriage would be too. Not the case, apparently.

So Neil and Matthew set off, and the other children played in the garden (it was such a lovely sunny day yesterday). Arthur watched Time Team, which he's currently obsessed with (archaeology, for anyone who hasn't seen it), and I sat as restfully as I could and watched the kids outside and vaguely took in soothing distraction from the TV at the same time. Occasionally I went to check on the spotting, and found that it quite quickly became red bleeding, but only a light flow. No bits or clots yet. I felt weirdly unemotional about it. I thought maybe because there was so much going on that was unusual that day. Also - weird and trivial thing that has had a big impact for some reason - I have a crazy amount of wax in my ears lately. It has been 4 years or something since I last had them syringed, and I get wax build ups pretty quickly. I usually leave it until I can't hear, and then finally get it sorted! ;) It has been affecting my hearing for the last few months, but I can pretty much pull on my ears and hear again (sounds daft, I know!), so I hadn't done anything about it. I finally called and arranged an appointment with the nurse on Tuesday next week, and then two days ago I slept heavily on my right ear for hours straight, and couldn't hear through it when I got up. Instead everything is muffled (I can't hear what someone is saying on the phone with that ear) and it's ringing constantly. Anyway, it won't clear! I think I am stuck with it until I get it seen to, and it's so incredibly distracting. It makes me feel off balance, and dizzy, and the side of my face constantly feels numb and weird because that sense is off. It is constantly affecting how I process everything - the way the room looks, the sounds of my kids (which are omnipresent and at varying volumes from whispering and tapping to loud bangs and screaming, all at once!!!), the amount of focus I have left for emotion, how tolerant I am about ANYTHING, etc. It's beyond annoying.

Long story short, even my bloomin' ear is affecting the way I'm able to be still and focus on my miscarriage. Everything feels off and I'm constantly distracted. My left ear is not hearing properly either, and sleeping on it makes it block up but at least that still recovers after I get up (for now!). Woe betide me if I get even a drop of water in it when I wash my hair! I have to wait 5 hours or so for it to dry out before my hearing comes back!

ANYWAY. I have not had any feelings at all. Like zero. Nothing. Just very matter of fact and emotionless. I want to feel something!!! I don't know why I am not. I have a lot of distractions going on, so maybe it's just that? I don't know.

Matthew had his finger successfully drained (ew!) at the hospital, and they got home around dinner time. I was feeling rather desperate to get to the point of kids going to bed, so that I could have a quiet house and an opportunity without being demanded of constantly, to maybe get in touch with my feelings, and to process what was going on. I wanted time alone with Neil too. He seemed to be acting kind of awkwardly around me, not making eye contact and stuff. I am pretty sure he didn't know what to do or say. I told him I just needed hugs, and for the kids to go to bed.

Once they were in bed and most of them asleep, I had the most horrendous headache. It started while Neil and Matthew were out at the hospital, but got worse as the evening approached. I think I had headaches last time too. Maybe hormone changes. I was also getting more crampy. And I hurt my ankle somehow! Getting up off my bed with Rosie when she woke up from her nap. I don't even know how, I just pushed up from squatting, and when I walked on it, it hurt like I had sprained it a little. That got worse and worse through the evening. It really hurts to limp on it. So silly! I'm falling apart! ;)

In the evening, Neil asked me what he could do. I was SO exhausted, but I didn't want to go to bed. He lit the fire (just about still cool enough in the evening!) and brought me a bedcover to snuggle under on the sofa, and then I arranged him behind me like I had been longing for. He held me for ages, but instead of my anticipated response, I just lay there like an empty shell with no discernible feelings whatsoever.

Last time I had a miscarriage, my emotions were right there. The onset of bleeding had me crying, heartbroken that I was bleeding out my own tiny child that never got to be. I wanted to stop her leaving my body. Everything was so tangible. This time the same circumstances are occurring, but without any connection or feeling. I even tried thinking of it in the same way - my baby is leaving my body - but nothing. I welcomed the worsening cramps as I lay there on the sofa yesterday evening, even willing them to get worse so I would really FEEL something. My headache became too painful to bear, and the closest I got to actually feeling upset was the moment I had to accept taking painkillers for my headache, because I knew it would also take away my cramps and I wanted those so much.

In the end, I propped myself up reclining on the sofa to read the lovely supportive messages I'd been getting online, and couldn't keep my eyes open. I must have dozed for an hour or so - and it's been over a decade since I dozed off on the sofa! - because Neil started clearing things away to go to bed, and somebody woke briefly, which I heard over the monitor from where Rosie was sleeping. When I sat up I was aware of some cramping, and then I got up and felt immediate "flow", so I knew I was bleeding properly now.

I got ready for bed as quickly as I could, and went to the toilet in the dark, but I could make out tons of "dark" on the toilet paper as I was wiping, every time I wiped. I put a heavy duty pad on and went to bed, glad to have some cramps for company. I don't know if that's weird of me, but they were very comforting as I lay there falling asleep. The painful heat deep in my pelvis felt like reassuring evidence. I really don't get much cramping any more with periods.

Today has been very similar. Neil initially began with the intention of working from home, but he abandoned that by late morning, and sent an email asking if he would be allowed to take off work until next Wednesday. I was surprised (in a good way) by his request! :) We'll see what his boss says. I got up needing a wee, and cramping pretty badly, which reminded me of what was happening as I came out of my sleep. Again, no actual feelings at the realisation. Nothing. :/ It bothers me. Just, oh yeah, that. And I got up to go to the loo, and felt kind of light-headed and weird. When I sat on the toilet, SO MUCH BLOOD fell out of me, and just seemed to keep going for a while. So unlike last time, when it was a much more measured flow, and I could keep track of what I was losing by looking at what was on the toilet paper or the pad. Most of this loss has just fallen into the toilet and I kind of regret not getting to see - maybe that sounds gross, and also a bit silly, because the baby was 0.4mm across in size, so not even something I could see. But last time I found comfort in just casting my eye over things, just almost like paying respect to the fact that my little one was passing. This time, no opportunity at all. I either keep going to the loo in the dark, or else there's too much bleeding to do anything but bleed.

I have been crampy all day. I got a headache again the same as yesterday, but not quite as bad. And I avoided the painkillers, gratefully, and kept the company of my cramps.

It's so much later now - I wrote the above earlier in the afternoon when I was resting a bit upstairs. Now it's ridiculously late and I have been relaxing and distracting myself with TV and stuff. Neil's boss replied to him to say he could take the time off work, which is wonderful!

I talked to Neil this evening about having no feelings. He said that maybe I am just not ready for feelings yet. Maybe I found it hard last time so I am holding back subconsciously this time? I don't know. I AM more than ready! It's frustrating me to heck not to have any feelings! But I know what he means. He asked if it would bother me if he played a computer game - would it be insensitive of him and would I be upset about it. I said no, but there is another example of the feelings issue. Even stuff that isn't connected to the miscarriage - even if I might be upset about it normally, I literally do not have any feelings about it at all. It's like someone has switched me off, and I am not hurt or touchy or sad about anything at all. I don't like it one bit.

What if it doesn't come back before the miscarriage ends? I want to feel something before my body is finished, I don't know why. What if it doesn't come back at all?! What if I never feel anything for this baby's loss? That feels awful to me. Like I grieved my last baby that I lost, but it's not fair to this baby not to show grief and sorrow like the other. That does kind of hurt my heart, now I think about it... maybe there is a feeling somewhere in there?

I read a leaflet last time that said there is no right or wrong way to feel after a miscarriage. Which I fully agree with, but now I can't seem to accept it of myself. I want my feelings back! Even if they hurt! I hate this nothingness.

I have rested up here and there today, and Neil has made meals, done housework, given Matthew his antibiotics, etc. and we've both done the parenting. I am so grateful to him for his kindness and support to me. :)

I am still bleeding heavily but I think maybe it's slowing down. I am still crampy too, but less than before. It feels like three days since it started, but Neil told me it was only yesterday! :-O Weird how the time is stretching out and making no sense. I took a double dose of my natural iron supplement today, and I'll keep doing that for a while, as I'll probably need it.

That's all I can think of tonight. I might update again soon if I need to put my feelings to words, or something.

4 weeks, 5 days pregnant

Just a quick update. I am still hanging in there. My temp dropped quite a bit this morning, but not below the coverline. I decided to test again when it came to it, just to see, and had another faint test line, a touch lighter than yesterday's, so I think it's pretty certain that this is an impending miscarriage.

That 19DPO line has darkened just a touch since I took the photo, now that it has dried out completely, and looks almost the same as the 18DPO one, but perhaps on the fainter side if anything. It's going slower than I thought. I thought it would be basically identical to my last miscarriage with the way the timing has been the same with the fainter tests, but I would have an almost invisible line tomorrow if that was the case, and I don't think it will be quite that faint yet going by today's. I only have one test left so I am not sure I want to use it tomorrow, if at all. 

All day long I have been sure I've been leaking something or bleeding, but every time I check or wipe, there's not even a trace of spotting. I have my usual pregnancy cm. Everything seems so normal and pregnant, it's almost unfair. I hate using the word unfair. I really have NO IDEA of the meaning of unfair, so I have comparatively no right to use it for my situation. More just... exasperating, or ironic, then. I know (and really, so does my body) that this is not a viable pregnancy and it's only a matter of hours or a couple of days from ending, but still the healthy pregnancy symptoms continue merrily on. I actually kind of love them being there, and then in the next moment feel irritated to heck that they're there. And then back again. 

I am really queasy today. All day since about an hour after I got up. Eating hasn't been any fun, and I only ate breakfast at 11.30am but that was more because I was so busy. We had a broken window replaced this morning, a huge grocery order delivered and needed putting away, and Matthew has developed a bad infection around a fingernail which required an emergency doctor appointment, and subsequent drama over vile tasting antibiotics. Plus the usual, maths and spelling, "Mummy! I'm ready for you to wipe me!", pooey nappies to change, bumps to kiss better, meals to make, pre-teens to try not to engage in arguments with about chores/brothers/school, tiny girls to breastfeed, questions to answer, and kids to discipline, etc. The thing that could consume my thoughts the most is the thing that must be shoved to the backburner out of sight and mind for a bit, just to keep the rest of the day going and functioning. I have at times wished I could just curl up in bed in the quiet and hide from parenting for the day. 

I have been so tired out today. Just exhausted and drowsy and breathless when I exert myself. I could have laid down and slept so many times. Sometimes I have felt suddenly crampy, or with low back pain, and I've immediately got that anxious clutchy feeling wondering if this is it. But it isn't yet. 

On my Facebook memories today, a photo popped up from a year ago today with this caption: "Lydia said, "I want you to paint me toe-naydles! I want pink! And sparkly on top!" She wanted Rosalie's toenaydles painted as well. Four years ago, almost to the day, I painted my toenails pink and sparkly in preparation for labour and the birth of my sixth son in a row. I just wanted some girlyness in my life, lol! Now here I am 4 years later with freshly painted pink sparkly toenails, and TWO pairs of little feet bearing the pink sparkliness as well! Still have to pinch myself. I'm so very blessed!"

I NEED to be focused more on the "I'm so very blessed!" part - I have two little girls when I didn't expect to have any! I want that to be my only focus. But there's another part of me, seeing that picture unexpectedly and it taking my breath away because there are two little pairs of girly feet that I have had the potential to carry this year, and which will never be, and today's photo is a sort of visual image of that. It does break my heart a little bit. 

As last time, my kitchen is stocked with snacky things and my fridge full of various still and carbonated beverages that might help my nauseous tummy, and those will still be there very shortly when they are no longer needed. I am still nauseous right now so I am trying to use up the carbonated apple juice while I type this. The fewer reminders the better, once I am bleeding.

I bought pads today, and put them in the basket on the bathroom shelf ready. It's so weird and surreal and not in a fun way. I am not depressed or moping about, and not overly focused on it all, just being ready and looking at it realistically. Detached, sort of. My mum asked today on the phone if I was just putting on a brave face, and if I'm *really* alright like I said I was. And I think I *am* alright today. I told her I won't be once I start bleeding, but that's okay. I can't get right into it yet, because I'm waiting and everything is on hold. Still pregnant. No signs of loss. If it wasn't for the tests, I would NEVER suspect that anything was wrong with the pregnancy or that I was about to miscarry. I prefer the unhappy heads-up to the sudden shock, so I'm glad for the tests at least.

I have a bizarrely strong craving since yesterday - STRONG, like a deep longing from the very core of my being - for physical affection, or that form of intimacy, I guess. It's like my skin actually aches when I think of it, such is my longing for it. I keep daydreaming today about when Neil's not at work, or the next chance we get alone, properly, where he's not too tired and having to go to bed, or something. About exactly how I would arrange us so that I am enveloped in his arms and curled up with as much of him around me as possible. Skin-to-skin, like when you bond with your newborn and it boosts your milk supply. It's the weirdest craving - I have never craved touch before! Usually it's diesel smell, lol! Or some food or toothpaste. I can't stop thinking about it. I think I'm just craving comfort. I don't know if we'll ever get the time while I'm needing it this much. I feel like if my daydream came true and he really did hold me that way - I wish I could find words to explain the feelings in my head that can't be described no matter how many times I type words out and then delete them because they're not quite right. I feel like just the sensation would make me start to cry and never be able to stop. An overriding reaction like the vomiting reflex (weird, but there it is!) that I can't control. But I would feel whole and that would be the comfort. Myself, but existing within someone else so that their strength is mine too, and my weakness doesn't cause me to collapse. Not just leaning on someone else, but merging with someone else so that I'm them and they are me. It makes me more than I am, and more able to stand. Ugh, I can't make my words express my feelings! :/ Oh well. That's the best I can do. It's a little more personal than I wanted to be even in my own blog, but I wanted to write it anyway. I hope it wasn't a bad idea.

Tomorrow is Wednesday, halfway through the week. 20DPO. The day I started spotting (early evening) last time when I miscarried two months ago. Which was a Tuesday evening, the same kind of mid-week feel. I will see if my temp drops further in the morning and then basically wait. If I had a bunch of tests I would use another, but I am not planning to at the moment with my last one.

I really want to update and bring closure to this pregnancy here, when it happens. I plan to, but I noticed that I said that last time and then I didn't! So I will make every effort to update again here. I am settling into feeling a bit more at home again this time, at my blog. It felt unsafe for a while there. I'm still not sure about it. But I feel a bit better about writing here again for now.

4 weeks, 4 days pregnant

18 days past ovulation today. I didn't test yesterday - it was a nice "day off" as the line was good at 16DPO and I was happy to wait until 18DPO for the next one. I'm nauseous, exhausted and breathless, irritable, slightly weepy - all that good stuff. :) I have Clearblue digital tests on the way to confirm my hcg levels going up, which I planned to take when they arrived this afternoon, or maybe in the morning at 19DPO.

I didn't get to test until quite late in the morning (it was still first morning urine though - I often don't get time to go for a bit!), but finally I got the chance, and sat watching the test to see how quick the line would show. The control line came up but I still couldn't see a second line, which is different from the last few tests. It did come up after about 20 or 30 seconds, but it took no time at all for me to know it was not a good news test. The line is much much fainter than 16DPO. I didn't expect that, and to be honest the thing that bugs me the most is that it's an exact replica of what happened in March. Line was good up to 16DPO (although maybe a slight touch fainter than the previous 14DPO one), and then significantly fainter at 18DPO. And a barely registered positive "pregnant 1-2" on a Clearblue digital at 19DPO. Spotting on the evening of 20DPO and all the rest the next day. It looks like exactly the same timing, to the day. I am so frustrated not understanding why the exactness of it is happening again.

I wish I had tested yesterday. It would have been a heads-up because it has changed SO much in that short time, that there would surely have been an obvious change in how dark the line was yesterday.

My digital tests haven't arrived yet, but they will do within the next few hours. I absolutely cannot bear to take one, because there's no point at all with the FRER test that faint. It will only say "pregnant 1-2" again, and maybe even take an agonising amount of time about it because there might not be much hcg left to register, I don't know. It's exactly the timing of my miscarriage last time, so taking a digital test at the very time that confirmed it to me last time is just NOT something I am going to put myself through this time.

Last night I was drafting a blog entry about baby names. I didn't finish it because I got too tired and had to go to bed, but I had lots of ideas and I was getting so excited about the fun of naming a new baby again. I was only looking at girls' names because I am so queasy and feel so strongly that it must be another girl. Now it looks like I am losing her. Again.

I will just have to wait it out. Going by last time, it should only be a couple of days before bleeding starts. I will use another FRER to confirm that my tests are heading for negative, but I don't know if I'll do that tomorrow. I'm not expecting to bleed tomorrow yet, but probably the next day at some point. Uggghhhh. I am just feeling deflated and fed up, not sad or grieving yet. It would be nice to think that maybe there's still hope that it's a random bad test or something, but in reality that's not likely to be the case. Last time I knew it when I saw my 18DPO test too. And looking at that photo, my 18DPO line today is actually even fainter than my 18DPO line last time. It's just not good news, I'm sure of it.

I will update again soon, when I have any news or thoughts to write.

Long overdue update

I meant to come back here and write about my actual miscarriage, and the feelings that came with it. I don't know why I didn't. I did read all the lovely comments and they really lifted me up - thank you so much! :)

The day after my last entry (when I had an almost negative test, and started bleeding), my bleeding got much heavier, and almost immediately I started passing tiny little pieces of light coloured "stuff" - like finely chopped liver, but much lighter in colour. Other things I didn't expect - lots of stringy stuff, and blood that was like EWCM or soft clots. Sorry if that's TMI for you! :/ I don't do TMI, so if you read me you risk it! ;) I just wanted to write down exactly my experience, in case I need it for reference in the future.

Neil took the next day (Thursday) off work, and then ended up telling work that he wouldn't be back until Monday - apparently they had left it up to him whether he go in on Friday or not. I felt a mixture of kind of awkward about it (like I was undeserving of the attention, being such an early miscarriage) and grateful for the TLC. I felt really wiped out and rested a lot. We didn't tell the children anything, and still haven't. As far as Neil being home at the end of the week, and me resting, Neil told them that I wasn't feeling well and he was home so I could rest and feel better. Part of me wanted to tell them. I just felt too sad about it to talk to them at the time. I wanted to be left alone. And they didn't require an explanation, because they had no idea. I felt like that was a good way to leave it - why make it more difficult for myself to deal with? But if anyone asks - not sure exactly what I even mean by that. Ask what?! If it ever comes up, I will tell them that I was pregnant and had a miscarriage at 5 weeks. That it was a girl, or at least I think it was a girl, because of the morning sickness being the same as Lydia and Rosalie. Even if they don't ask, I will probably tell them eventually. It's part of their family story that I think they should know.

After a few weeks, I decided to name her. I couldn't at first because it felt painful to think about, and it seemed like it made sense to minimise the pain I was feeling, so I didn't think about a name. But it's funny, I named her while I was still carrying her, before I knew anything was wrong! :)

One night, during the time when I was still getting nice strong positive tests, Neil's brother came over and the two of them drove in the van to their sister's house, a couple of hours drive away. They went to collect the bunk bed that her girls have outgrown, and bring it back here. They left early evening, and I kind of expected them back by 11 or midnight, but they didn't arrive. Around 1am I finally went to bed, but I lay there in the dark worrying (I excel at worrying, lol!). By 1.40am I was in a complete frenzy! Where could they be?! I knew they wouldn't phone because they wouldn't want to wake anyone, but maybe there would be an email or message or something. So I got up and went downstairs to check. Nothing. All sorts of scenarios went through my head. I thought they could have had a bad accident and I would never know until the morning when I got "the call" once they had been identified (I am good at catastrophizing!). There was nothing to do but wait. I was wide awake despite being tired out, and knew I couldn't sleep until they got home - if they got home. While I waited, I wondered. I thought how sad it would be if Neil really did die and never got to meet his baby girl. What would I ever do without him?! How would I cope? How would the children cope? And what would I name the baby to honour him? I suddenly remembered I was reading old blog entries of mine earlier that day, and I found one (I don't remember whose pregnancy I was reading about at the time) where he had suggested the name Abigail. I had loved the meaning but didn't like the name quite enough to use, compared with others on my shortlist. So it had been put aside. It means "father's delight" or "father's joy", and I thought HOW APPROPRIATE!! Not only is it one that Neil himself had suggested in the past, but it means something special relating to Neil! When I stopped to think what her middle name would be, I knew instantly that it would be Faith, because I would need faith to get through it, if Neil died.

Anyway, I was deep in thought over all this when Neil and his brother finally arrived home, to my IMMENSE relief! :) I still didn't sleep for a while after he came to bed because I had to snuggle with him for a while before I could let go of him and fall asleep.

I knew that it wouldn't be the name I would *actually* use with all being well, but it would absolutely have been her name if Neil had died or something awful like that. I didn't really think about it after that night, until I suddenly remembered it a few weeks after my miscarriage. I loved the thought that the baby had a proper name that was absolute in my mind, while I was still carrying her, not knowing I would miscarry. So it seemed obvious that it was to be her name. Abigail Faith. Whenever the children find out about her, they will know her by name. I think of her as one of my girls - Lydia, Rosalie, and Abigail. I can't believe I conceived three girls a in row! And I feel sad that they will not be a little trio like I had hoped. But I am at peace about it. My feelings took a while to settle down, much longer than my physical symptoms. My bleeding was over so fast! I didn't expect it. I bled heavily for three days, and then that was it. Spotting, but it was over and done with. I seemed to lose all the important stuff right away and then finish up with a period, but not a particularly heavy one after the initial couple of days. Like it all came out with a bang, and then it was done. Odd. I would have worried that I'd retained something if it had been a later miscarriage, but with it being so early I didn't think there was an issue.

I went on to ovulate and get another period. I was sad again around the day when her heart would have started beating, and also unexpectedly sad when I got my next period, because the bleeding reminded me of last time. One day, weeks later, I was searching for a phone that we needed to return to someone and had had for ages. It was in a box that hadn't been opened in about 18 months, and I went rifling through it when I found a moment. I found the phone, but while I was rummaging, I also found my Doppler and ultrasonic gel. I hadn't seen that since I last used it to find a tiny baby's heartbeat, and it struck me SO. Just holding it. I hadn't expected to find it, and I didn't know what to do with myself, or how I was supposed to feel. It was like a weird timing, something felt purposeful about the timing of the find, and I suddenly had the urge to check the calendar. It gave me goosebumps when I discovered that if I hadn't miscarried, I would have been exactly 9 weeks and 1 day pregnant - the exact gestation that I first found a couple of my babies' heartbeats. Some were earlier, during week 8, but I would undoubtedly have been listening in with the Doppler at 9 weeks and 1 day, regardless of whether I already found it a few days before or not. It was soooo strange to find it that particular day, and I felt a strange swell of anger and sorrow over it for the rest of the day.

We didn't happen to have any parsnips in my fertile window the next cycle, so there was no chance of pregnancy, but I did have a bunch of pregnancy symptoms, which was helpful to know that I really can't trust my early pregnancy symptoms any more. Or at least, know they could mean pregnancy, but that equally they might not! My period after my miscarriage was heavy and lasted longer than I was used to, and just wiped me out. I don't know if that's relevant to anything, but I'm writing it anyway in case I want to know further down the line.

I am having symptoms that are beginning to look kind of peri-menopausal. Emotional swings and roundabouts that are cyclical in nature, around ovulation time. I can't remember how much I mentioned here before, if anything. Since around 4 or 5 months after Rosie was born, I have noticed changes. WAY different libido. Clingy and needy, and irrationally blowing things out of proportion in the week leading up to ovulation, sometimes starting before my period has quite finished. My fertile signs are just as strong as normal, and my cycles are normal enough for me. I have been having a few short cycles though, and I read that's an early peri-menopause thing. The emotional neediness is focused mainly on my relationship with Neil, and it has intensified over this past year. I can predict it like clockwork, every single cycle. I know when it will start, and I know I will be irrational in my thinking, and I can talk sanely and calmly about this ahead of it kicking in with Neil. Then it kicks in, and I'm a crazy woman, crying and sure that Neil is cheating on me or doesn't love me, and wishing he would CONSTANTLY reassure me of his love, etc. I constantly feel like my love tank is utterly empty, and the longing for the various ways for it to be filled consumes my every waking thought. It's really weird! :) But, I know it will only last until I ovulate, and then I will immediately become sane and rational again. I see things clearly and don't have those needs or longings within hours of ovulating, and I'm normal in myself until I next get ready to ovulate. I don't have any changes in my pre-menstrual symptoms, which are all but non-existent in any case, save for a few mild cramps and some mild irritability and tiredness. I have had this situation bad enough to make written note of it for 9 cycles in a row now.

This last cycle was especially bad. I mean I was freaking out thinking we were going to get divorced. Actually really rationally thought that!! :-O It upset me so much that I kept crying all day - like, I NEVER cry. I really have never found it easy for tears to come, even when I need to. But I remember one Saturday crying seven different times in one day, lol! I would sit down on the toilet and start crying! Or start buttering bread and start crying! Total weirdness. It turned out that I wasn't seeing things rationally (you think?!) and we were never going to divorce. ;) And the "all-is-well" parsnips turned out to fall in my fertile window, which I thought was closing because I had had EWCM for seven or eight days straight without ovulating yet, and that usually means a failed attempt and the EWCM dries up without me ovulating. Also I ALWAYS have ovulation pain really bad these days. I have to take painkillers and it is way worse than period pain for me, up over my hip, through my front and back, and into my groin like a searing sickly pain. Usually lasts 5-8 hours, but sometimes it's still there the next morning. But I had zero pain or even discomfort, so I presumed I hadn't ovulated until my temps rose and showed I had.

Around that time, I phoned my mum and spoke to her for an hour and a half about all the mood swings and cyclical miseries, and she said it sounded like the beginning of menopause to her. She asked me what thoughts went through my head when I was upset about things in my "irrational" time each month, particularly relating to Neil. When I told her, and said that I had even thought we'd end up getting divorced this past cycle, there was a short pause on the line, and then she said, "Ah. It's menopause." Apparently my experience is identical to hers, exactly the same thoughts, mood swings, neediness, tearfulness, and especially the not thinking rationally. She said there were many times when she thought she and Daddy would just get divorced (they are literally the most in-love and committed couple I have ever known (married 44 years), with maybe the exception of my grandparents (married 72 years in a few days!)), and my dad used to go for long walks during this time, lol! ;) She was 42. I am 41. Seems pretty likely, hey? :/

She then surprised me by saying something along the lines of, "Don't worry, it's only temporary, and it takes years to reach menopause itself. The irrational moods don't last the whole of that time. There might still be time to squeeze another one in!" :D I was so shocked because my parents used to be really difficult to tell that I was pregnant, or to talk to about the possibility of more babies, because Mummy would always groan and said, "Oh GOD!" or be really obviously not pleased about it, even when I told her I was pregnant again. It made me so sad! My grandparents are worse, but it was still the same kind of thing with my parents. So I was really happily surprised to hear her talk that way! I noticed that she has been more open-minded and even excited about such things these past couple of years. They seemed happy when I announced my pregnancy with Rosie. Earlier this year I was talking to her one time and she said that she was so sorry that she had been unpleasant about it when I had announced a pregnancy in the past, she felt so bad and it was really that she was concerned about how in over my head I was getting. But that now time has gone by, and she sees the children, she sees how happy and well-adjusted they are. She sees the benefits to them of having all these siblings, and that it's fulfilling and joyful for Neil and I, so she has decided to have a change of heart about it. She says she sees how good it is for them all to have so many brothers and sisters! So lovely! She said the same is true of us homeschooling them. At first she was concerned, but now she is thrilled with our choice, and sees so many benefits. She wishes she'd had it in her to homeschool me. I really am just astonished at her change of heart over these things recently! And so happy about it. :)

So I should have updated here, firstly about the miscarriage, and then about the fact that here I am in a cycle with a chance of pregnancy, never mind the early symptoms of menopause! ;)

But I guess I kept being tired, or distracted, or something. And never got around to updating. I didn't feel particularly pregnant after ovulating this cycle, and I was well aware of the previous non-pregnant cycle having pregnancy symptoms, so I didn't want to make ANYTHING of any symptoms that might arise. I also thought it would possibly be a just-after-Christmas baby if I was pregnant, which was a bit scary, lol! I remember Rosie was due January 4th and I already had a Dec 21st baby which I found really stressful right before Christmas, in terms of organising birthday stuff and Christmas stuff close together. And then Rosie came on Dec 28th, haha! ;) So I definitely had a major *gulp* moment when I realised it was probably a similar timing this cycle!

I made a few notes all the same on my fertility friend chart, so that I could reference any changes, whatever the reason for them. From the day after ovulation for several days, I had unusual CM, lots of it and just... different, to my normal CM. By day 4 I had noted that I wondered if it was "pregnant of me"... From 4DPO onwards I had the type of intestinal woe (hideous gassiness and associated bleurgy feelings) that is typical of my luteal phase and beyond when I'm pregnant. But I was sure I had been "gassy" the previous cycle in my luteal phase too, so I discarded that as a potential pregnancy symptom.

My temps were fairly stable, and at 6DPO I made the following note on my chart: "Heavy dull pain / discomfort low in my pelvic area today. Don't think it's bowel or bladder related, and it's maybe an inch above my pubic bone and mostly central or slightly to my right side."

The next day I still felt kind of crampy, not bad crampy, just *there*. I also needed to pee more frequently, though at 7DPO that was too early for it to be potentially pregnancy related, and was more hungry than usual too. My temps rose to a new level the next day at 8DPO, and this was my note in my chart that day: "Horrible backache,  and I mean horrible,  started out of the blue this afternoon after doing exactly nothing to cause it. Reminds me it's been months since I last had ANY back pain, maybe even close to a year? Ages. Just a hot searing soft tissue strain feeling. No idea why! I only noticed after a very inactive afternoon when I went to the kitchen and bent to start filling the dishwasher. 😕" My back ached like that until bedtime, and then when I woke up the next morning it was just a dull background ache which was completely gone by the next day. I still don't remember doing anything to it, and it recovered way too fast (lots of experience with proper low back injury!), so I remember wanting to note it as it was "unexplained" and aroused my suspicion. Backache like that isn't one of my usual early pregnancy symptoms though, so I don't know why it stuck in my mind.

At bedtime I remember thinking that it would be 9DPO tomorrow. I didn't expect a period to be anywhere near at that stage, so I wasn't concerned that my temp would drop and my period would arrive. I thought I would maybe have an 11-ish day luteal phase, so my period would be due on the Monday (this was Friday night last weekend, not Friday yesterday). Anyway, I hadn't wanted to test for a couple more days, because I really didn't feel very pregnant and nor was I gagging for a positive test result (!!) or anything. Just what will be will be, that sort of thing. And glad and grateful if I was pregnant (slightly scared!), and not unhappy if I wasn't. But there's something about 9DPO that is ingrained in me, haha! ;) I know it's The Day that I *could* get a positive test result IF I'm pregnant, maybe. I had a negative at 9DPO with Samuel, and didn't test positive until 11DPO with him. But other times... especially with a First Response test - those are so reliable for early results, over other brands. And knowing I would be 9DPO in the morning with a chance of being pregnant - it was like a pull that I couldn't resist! ;) I didn't know if I even had any tests, except for a lone Clearblue digital left over from the twinpack I started with my pregnancy in February. I definitely didn't want to use that yet, so I thought I had better order some tests.

Next morning my temp went up again - one more day and my chart would be triphasic. I so wanted to test! As it happened, I didn't get chance to go for a wee when I got up in the morning, and a bit later in the kitchen I was rummaging in the medicine cupboard for something, when I came across a twin pack of First Response pregnancy tests!! Yay! So it was like 10.30am before I had chance to sneak off to the bathroom with them.

When I dipped the test, I sat and held it in the correct position rather than leave it on the side to "cook" - I just love watching the line(s) come up! It's a familiar rush, even if I didn't expect a positive. Just fun! ;) Up came the control line, and then I suddenly couldn't bear to look! I tried not to for a while, but that lasted less than 60 seconds, lol! I picked it up again and prepared myself for The Big Squint as I'm used to doing with negative tests, haha! To my absolute shock, there was already the faintest-of-faint second line! I gasped, because I didn't expect it, but the more I sat there gasping at it, the clearer it became! Where I'm normally turning the test this way and that, wondering if I can possibly make out a line, a shadow, anything (!!), there it was plain as day, no squinting required! It was a faint line, but it was a line! I was doing my shouty whisper - "There's a line!... THERE'S A LINE!!!.... THERE'S A LIIIIIINE!!!! NO WAAAY!!!" haha! It was just a shadowy line at first, but by 3 minutes it was more clear, and I was doing various happy dance moves and jumping about the bathroom! ;)

Hard to see in that photo when it was freshly taken, but it was easier to see once it had dried out properly a couple of hours later:

I didn't tell Neil right away. That morning when we woke up, we were having a cuddle before we got up, and Neil said, "I think you'll get your period in a couple of days." I had been really irritable the day before, not about anything in particular, and he said he just knew it was because I was going to get my period, lol! I wasn't sure how he would react to the news, and I just wanted to keep it to myself for the time being. I've never done that before, and it was rather delicious having such a special secret all to myself. Well, myself and Rebecca. ;) I thought maybe Neil would be negative about it. :/ At first, with Rosie's pregnancy, and with the pregnancy I lost, he was happy, but you wouldn't have known it at first because he was overridingly anxious. I wanted only positivity and joy for that first day so, making a big change, I decided to call my parents an hour or two after I tested! Who'd have thought?! :) They were SO THRILLED! My mum called out to my dad, "Alice had a positive test!!" and I heard the distant "Yaaay!" in the background, lol! They congratulated me, were very excited about my "lovely news", and were keen to know when the baby was due, etc.

I had a kind of maybe sore throat starting at 8DPO, and it never turned into anything. I have had that before in my luteal phase when pregnant too, so I noted it. The day of my first positive test (9DPO), I had a heavy "full" feeling low in my pelvis most of the day, and some crampiness and backache, but normal for implantation.

I was messaging with Rebecca late that evening when Rosie woke up, and I went to settle her. She had very unusually wet through her nappy up over her hip (?!!) and soaked her sleepsuit and sleeping bag, so I got everything ready on the bed in the dark to change her without getting her too wide awake. Right as I was about to start changing her, I felt kind of leaky, but I had been having a lot of CM so I figured it was just that (you know where I'm going with this, right? If you've read my blog through many of my pregnancies...). Anyway, the change took a while, and then she needed to breastfeed and she wouldn't settle for a while. I was getting nervous because the cramps and backache had been getting worse the past couple of hours, and I had just continued to put it down to implantation. While I was waiting for Rosie to fall back to sleep, the back and front pain became quite sharp and uncomfortable, and I was so anxious to go and check my underwear. I became SURE I was bleeding, because there was so much time lying there the dark for the "what-ifs" to start up.

When she finally dozed off properly, I went straight to the bathroom, and yes, there was bright red blood, and not a tiny amount of it either. I had bled right through my underwear and pyjamas. When I sat down on the toilet, it dripped into the water. I have been there SO many times with bleeding in pregnancy, and twice at this exact stage (Elijah and Rosalie), but it never fails to scare me silly to actually SEE it, even if I reassure myself that it's happened before and it's probably just heavy implantation bleeding, and all is surely well, etc. I just hate to see blood when pregnant. When I wiped, there were little black clots along with the red bleeding. I became SO crampy, like hard period cramps, and a strange sharp pressure against my rectum, and an almost bearing-down sensation, exactly as I remembered describing it when I bled early with Rosie. It was at the exact same time too - the day I had my first positive test. I knew it was not a period, because it was too early for that at 9DPO. But I was so discouraged, because Rosalie's pregnancy was super scary in terms of bleeding. I bled for weeks and weeks and weeks in my first trimester, and twice had a torrential bleed - once in a public place, pouring out onto the floor (thankfully rushed into a toilet by then!). I SO do not want to go through that again, and a bleed like the start of Rosie's pregnancy suddenly made me think it would be similar throughout. It doesn't mean it will, but anyway. Sinking feeling. I charted it as spotting because the FF chart software automatically starts a new chart and assumes you got your period if you chart bleeding instead of spotting, ugh. And even if I manually merge the charts together, it removes my green pregnant line. So annoying! So I had to chart spotting, but it was full on heavy bleeding that day.

I had bad cramps all the rest of that evening. I wanted to tell Neil that I was bleeding and pregnant and worried. I wanted a cuddle. But it was weird of me that I hadn't told him earlier when I got the positive test, and I felt odd about telling him then. I didn't want the focus to be on the negative, just the happy newsy part. I changed my clothes and went to bed.

The next day at 10DPO my temp went up AGAIN (new high!), my chart was triphasic, and I tested again:

Looking good, right?! :) Stronger line! I was still bleeding, but it was just the remnant of the day before, brown and much lighter along with some normal CM. I had no new bleeding or clots, but was still very crampy with that same bearing-down type pressure. Encouraged by the stronger line and the lack of fresh blood though.

In the evening I noticed that I was feeling queasy. Hmmm! Definitely morning sickness type of queasy too. I think that was the same timing as my last pregnancy and Rosalie's. Lydia's started at 4 weeks (16dpo? I can't remember exactly). Could it possibly be a girl again?! Surely not... but that's the timing of my girls' morning sickness, and none of my 6 boys...

I told Neil that I was pregnant that evening, while we had a cuddle in front of the fire (yes, it's still cold enough, lol!). He was SO shocked, lol! He didn't think I had ovulated, and had been sure I would get my period, but then he said that he should have known that morning when I got out of bed and he hugged me - I was SO warm, and he commented that I was still warm from bed, but he told me it crossed his mind that I was pregnant-warm, but he dismissed it thinking I hadn't ovulated, or that the parsnips wasn't timed if I had. ;) By that time I only had slight brown spotting, so that was reassuring.

I decided, since this is very likely my last pregnancy, that I would test every single morning if I wanted to! I would buy tests and take them every day until I felt like stopping! ;) I love testing, except when it's suspenseful and worrying if I wonder if the tests are getting lighter, but even then I can't help myself, lol! So I decided to go all out and enjoy my last run.

11DPO was uneventful, pretty good line on my pregnancy test which was visible after about 20 seconds, cramping clearing up, and only the slightest bit of brown spotting. I began feeling nauseous around noon, and it stayed for the rest of the day, picking up a little in intensity in the evening, as my morning sickness has always done. I felt pretty good about the pregnancy sticking, and Neil was at the "surreal but happy" stage! :D

At 12DPO I had a really strong clear line on my test which was visible at the same time the control line came up, basically immediately.

I also had no spotting at all that day, not even a trace. Nausea, irritability, gassiness and general fatigue continued as usual - all good signs. The only thing I was nervous about was the fact that since the line was so dark for 12DPO, that somehow the next day would look fainter - I know that's crazy, but it just seemed that way to my head! ;) I had like 12 hours of urine saved up for that sample, and that was unusual. I wondered if it was that dark because of that, and so if I did a sample that was only 8 or 9 hours worth, would it be less concentrated and give a fainter line?!

Next morning, 13DPO, I did get what looks to me like a fainter line, and I was discouraged by that, and the fact that I had a trace of brown spotting that morning. The nausea was reassuring but I had that with my miscarriage too, so I don't want to rely on that as "a good sign" as they say. It doesn't appear to be, for me. It just means I'm pregnant right now. Whether or not I stay pregnant is unpredictable, and that's the thing that gets to me. I was a bit weepy that day, so I charted it, but nothing in particular triggered it.

I wrote notes on my chart for 13DPO: "A short period of INTENSELY painful breasts this afternoon. Hot needles and stabbing flashing pains on both sides, definitely a pregnancy thing. Nauseous from about 11am maybe? Test line good but not quite as bold looking as yesterday's, which makes me nervous for tomorrow's test. Some weird searing crampy sensations inside both hips towards my pubic bone earlier this evening - quite sore. Milder crampiness and low backache later.  Light brown spotting continues  - just a trace really, in normal cm. Really don't feel like anything specific to eat or drink today, nothing seems good. Hungry so needing to anyway though. Still have a sore throat, mostly just mild but worse at times - not turning into anything so I think it's a slightly worse version of my previously experienced early-pregnancy is-it/isn't-it-a-sore-throat. Noticing the constant need to sniff slightly or blow the slightest bit of clear drainage from my nose, which is definitely pregnant of me, and aggravates my queasiness, as it always has done with my other pregnancies."

Once I got to 14DPO, I was still getting a nice line on my test, and no spotting or bleeding (and mucho queasiness - not full blown yet, but yucky all the same), but I felt apprehensive as the time approached where things started to go wrong last time around. 14DPO was my strongest test line last pregnancy, the one I lost. I next tested at 16DPO and the line was maybe a touch fainter. My worries were only confirmed when I got a much fainter line at 18DPO. So I had a good line at 14DPO this time, and have been a little anxious every day since about whether things will start to go wrong again. My lines have been good, and my temps still climbing (triphasic chart still), but I am still hoping to see the lines get darker than they are. I am 16 days past ovulation today. The lines have basically stayed the same since 12DPO I think. No lighter, but no darker. I took my Clearblue digital test this morning as well, hoping to see it say Pregnant 2-3 (weeks since conception) as 16 days puts me into that window. But it said 1-2, which made my heart sink. That's what happened last time at 19DPO, and I knew all was lost for that pregnancy. Maybe it's ALMOST at the 2-3 level but not quite? I don't know. My lines are good, everything else looks fine. I feel VERY much pregnant. I guess I wait and see. I am going to try another digital test in a couple of days, by which time it definitely should say 2-3 unless something is wrong again. I so hope it won't be something wrong. I really want to keep this little one.

Photo from today, of the tests from 12DPO onwards:

Other recent symptoms: Yesterday I was SUPER irritable at everything in the entire world. I unfriended someone on Facebook!! Yes, I really did! :-O I never ever do that, ever! Shaking my head at myself. Every commercial, or discussion on the internet, etc. was like nails on blackboard - I literally got a hot flush and started shaking with suppressed rage about it within seconds! Real people, not so much - like my kids or Neil. I mean, I'm generally feeling irritable and in particular not that tolerant of noise, but the inner rage was directed at TV or the internet world! ;)

Weird one - the ball of my right foot keeps suddenly stabbing me with such intense sharp pain that it makes me feel sick and dizzy until it suddenly stops again. It feels a bit swollen tonight, and I know I haven't done anything to it - it's weird! But I was reading old blog entries, and oddly enough, I had an unexplained really swollen foot just in the ball of my foot and where my toes joined my foot, at EXACTLY this gestation with Rosalie, and I think it was the same foot. I kept thinking what on earth have I even done to it?! Never did find out, and it cleared up after a while. So that's uncanny... or perhaps there for whatever on earth reason pregnancy could induce it to be?!!

I've had loads of ligament type stretching pains inside both hips and radiating to the centre today. Not triggered by anything in particular, just there. That's new today. And some general mild crampiness and low backache again. I'm really bloated today and yesterday too.

I'm really tired, really NOT having any skin break outs (yet) like I usually do, breathless easily (taking iron and vitamins again as of last week), etc. I made a salad with French dressing on it tonight to have with our dinner, and it was okay but nothing amazing. Before I got pregnant I loved that. It's the kind of dressing that I've craved when pregnant before, or LOVED if I ate it when pregnant, but only with my boys. Not at all with the girls. And I was never nauseated this early with the boys either. It seems very much like a girl baby to me! :) But I can't let myself think it could be, because I would SO very much love another girl, and SURELY I would not conceive six boys in a row, and then four girls in a row after that?! I mean, how unlikely would that be?! So I can't let myself believe it, unless I get proof further down the line - if all goes well. I am due on January 11th - exactly a week after Rosie was due, and the day before Nathan's 10th birthday, lol! Of course! ;)

So that's it! My VERY long, and very overdue update on everything. If I had updated regularly as I meant to, I wouldn't have had to condense many days of pregnancy symptoms and tests into one blog entry! Oh well. It's done now, and I will update again soon, hopefully. Thank you to those few who have been stalking my chart and noticed I was pregnant, and sent me congrats! :) I am excited to be pregnant, and a little nervous that it might end in miscarriage after last time. I am already thinking of names, and just so happy and in awe to be here again, with new life inside me! So thankful.