4 weeks, 6 days

Still here! :)

Still not sure what to make of anything. This morning started out very uncertain for me. I temped and although it's STILL triphasic, it's a touch lower yet again (that's 3 days in a row now), so it's a bit inconclusive really :S Also I used my last pregnancy test and it was almost exactly the same as the last test I took at 17DPO (I'm at 20DPO today) - the test line showed up immediately, before the control line even did, and it's nice and dark. BUT, when I let it dry out and then held it with the previous test stick, I wonder if it's slightly lighter than the older test. I wish I had a photo, but my camera battery is dead and I just haven't had a chance to find the charger today and get it charged. I ordered a pack of 10 more cheapy test sticks online today, and the place I get them from is usually really really quick with postage, so they might even arrive tomorrow morning. I don't plan on testing tomorrow though.

I have had no more red bleeding, or brown bleeding, for that matter. I am continuing to have brown spotting as before, maybe a tad more reddish because of the recent red bleeding, but still basically brown spotting. It's pretty light. I keep going to the loo to check but nothing much more is happening. I am really not sure what to make of it!!

I am quite calm about it all right now. I'm still happy to be pregnant, and anxiety isn't gnawing at me at all. I will either go on to miscarry, or go on to have some pretty obvious confirmations that I am having a healthy pregnancy, soon. What will be will be, and worrying can't change that. This, folks, is the power of God, I promise you, because I EXCEL at worrying. If something could be stressed over, I'm your girl! I would pass a test in needless anxiety with distinction! ;) To not be stressing about this is supernatural, for me. And I'm grateful.

I do have the odd bit of achiness in my lower back today, and a sort of crampy feeling low in my abdomen, but more like an achy fullness than anything else.

Homeschooling and the general pace of the daily day-ness of life is very very wonderful right now. It's keeping me so busy and occupied and grounded, and I am glad of it. The day passes quickly, and oh it's just so much better than flapping about trying to keep the boys under control. Homeschooling is so ordered (when you pull your finger out and actually GET IT DONE - which I was not doing before September), and life is so much easier and just.... better, somehow, than not homeschooling! :) Anyway, it has been helpful to me. My evenings are occupied with preparing school for an hour or so, for the next day - mainly just the maths lessons, which are fun and easy to prepare for the stages the boys are at right now.

Tomorrow then, I am 5 weeks pregnant! I don't know whether to "be" 5 weeks pregnant or wonder if the pregnancy has ended and I'm waiting for the hormones to catch up (temp will show this over the next couple of days if so). This evening I am feeling pretty WELL. Not that haven't been feeling well, but there has been such an exhaustion and an element of mild queasiness and not wanting to eat. Today I have had that too, but I'm SO HUNGRY behind that feeling. I made chicken noodle soup for dinner and it wasn't difficult to make - no smells made me queasy (not sure if they should yet, from my past experience though?). This evening I have actually eaten and enjoyed chocolate (sweet food = no-no in general at this stage), and then just now before bed a bowl of cereal. I am second guessing myself, I know, but I wonder if that's normal for this stage or not? I wasn't wanting to eat much in the evenings over this past week... I feel quite alert and not too wiped out this evening, though I have felt EXHAUSTED most of today up until the evening.

Anyway I have made it to another bedtime, and so in the morning I will see what my temperature is. If it is lower then I wonder if I will start to bleed that day? If it's the same, then I guess it is inconclusive again, because it's still "up there" right now. Tomorrow I have three little boys getting vaccinations - so much fun! ;) So I need to work hard to get school done in the morning and then lunch and get the boys all ready to go to the doctor's in the afternoon. I hope I do not bleed in the process of allll that. And I wish there was a way I could see the doctor to book in my pregnancy, just in case it IS all okay! I should have done so by now if it's going to be okay. And also she would be able to book me an ultrasound in a week or so, which is something I want. Must sort that out!

I can't think what else.... My little one is hopefully working on a neural tube right now, and implantation was complete 4 days ago already. I hope that's what's happening in there.... The boys have mentioned Sausage a lot today, with happy smiles, and I have not found it easy to go along with them lightheartedly, but I have tried to make myself anyway. I hope they are not going to be let down.

Will update tomorrow - thanks so much for the comments! xx