Just not coping too well...

... and I'm not sure why. I'm writing it here in case it is hormone related somehow. And because it feels a little more sheltered and intimate here. I have intentionally NOT written about it for several weeks. Well, I did make reference (for myself) with an untitled post a couple of weeks ago, and nothing in it. I opened the box wanting to write all my feelings but when it came to staring at the white box it just felt like too much effort. I had got that far a couple of times before, and then done nothing about it. But I just wanted to make a personal reference for myself, so I left an empty entry.

I do not know what is going on with me lately. I feel overwhelmed with life. We sold our house a couple of weeks ago and we are looking for somewhere to move to. I want to stay local. I'm a "roots" girl, and moving within the same ROAD would stress me out. I have lived in this town since I was a baby. That's a big deal, so it could make things seem overwhelming, but I'm not so sure that it's that.

The kids are overwhelming right now. I am trying to do school, albeit much more relaxed without too much structure right now (which suits all of us well at the moment, and I'm so thankful for the freedom that homeschooling gives us to do that!) and that is hard work. Sometimes it's easy and a joy, and I wonder what on earth could have made it seem such a huge mountain to climb before! The boys are in need of more space now that they are growing bigger, and I'm glad we've sold our home so that we are well on the way to making that happen for them. They are out in the (tiny) garden again too which helps. But meanwhile they're hard to handle at home. And next to impossible to take out all together. And it's only me, so I can't take some and not others. Sometimes Heather helps - oh she is so wonderful. I don't know how I would ever be coping at ALL without her right now, and I am completely serious about that. She takes a couple of boys to her house and they do school-ish activities for the morning on occasion. She takes a couple on a day trip to a museum. She takes some to the swings, or I do while she stays home with some others. She makes life manageable, but I'm afraid of being too dependent, and what that says about me.

I wonder what I was thinking, having so many children so close together, when life seems impossible. Heather reminds me that I was obeying my God, and that he will bless and reward me, and I know she's right. It doesn't change the "moment" though, at the time.

My children are 7, 6, 4, 3, 21 months, and 4 months (tomorrow! Can you believe it?!). That is a lot of little boys in 7 years! ;) Of COURSE life is hard, there might not even BE a harder parenting season than having 6 aged 7 and under. "They" say it gets easier as the older ones get older, even if more babies come along at the same time.

Money is tight right now. That's nothing new, but it's the way it is. I don't think that's really it either.

I am not sure what I am doing (again!) with parenting. Seeeeeriously not sure what I'm doing. I know all parents say that, but really really, people. This mama has no clue, and cannot wing it with this many kidlets. I am finding this aspect very overwhelming right now.

We've had a bad cold lately, and the boys are all snotty-but-drying-up and coughing. Not a big deal, except that it disrupted school a little bit for a day or two. Neil caught it at work, and it gave him a migraine, which coincided with a weekend, and thus he was in bed all weekend. I forget (take for granted, I guess - not good!) how much I need the weekends to recharge and have another parent around, and just for a change of pace. And the lie-ins! ;) I need those badly. Elijah still wakes quite a bit at night.

Elijah has had the cold the worst, and for a few nights running I got maybe 90 minutes of sleep broken up each night. Poor baby had a fever and couldn't breathe well, and just was MISERABLE. It's hard to cope well (even if I had been coping well to start with, which, um, I wasn't) on very little sleep. I haven't caught up with my sleep since he's been sleeping a bit better. He is currently going to bed at bedtime (7.30pm or so), napping 30 minutes instead of sleeping all evening like he was before the cold, and being awake and alert until like 11pm or later. He wants holding a lot of that time, because he's tired, and he gets really fussy and screechy, but can't seem to drop off or stay asleep. So that's tiring, and Neil helps a LOT. But then I go to bed late evening once he's settled, and lately I am having trouble falling asleep.

I don't know. My heart is just heavy. It keeps me awake. Heavy, achy heart. Lots of things about life being "full-on" right now, but there's a blanket of ache over everything. Not super thick and hard to permeate, because it isn't like that. I can carry on and I'm not debilitated (sp?), but there's a nagging ache in the background, no matter the time of day or night, and no matter what is going on at the time, any time.

I do wonder about hormones, though I think they're not a major part of things. The ONLY thing that makes me wonder about them is the fact that for the last 3 days I have really found it almost unbearable to tandem nurse Benjamin and Samuel together. When they are both latched on, and my milk lets down, I physically feel like pulling my own skin off. It's a horrid crawly feeling and deeply instinctive, so I guess it has hormonal roots. I have no idea where I am in my cycle, because I haven't been temping, and haven't noticed EWCM or anything since my last period, which I forgot to chart and which was super light. I think it was the first week of Sept - the day I decided to take all 6 boys to the pick-your-own farm on a very hot day by myself, lol! ;)

The main reason for the heavy thing is Toby. I feel daft, to the point of not wanting to tell anyone really, even Neil. But I ache, and I didn't expect to. I feel shame-faced being public about that feeling, because I personally know friends who have recently experienced dreadful losses, and this is just almost silly in comparison. But I ache.

Oh I'm trying to type this while I make macaroni cheese sauce, which is done now and the thing needs assembling, but Elijah just woke up and is crying and while he did that, Neil phoned to say he might have to stay late until like the middle of the night. Urrrrrgh. See, overwhelming. Any hour contains this kind of thing, and I sort of want to get off the ride for a minute and let everything stop spinning. All I know is that I need to close out other influences and focus in on God right now, more than ever. I need him so badly. Okay I have to go. But I'll try to update again soon. This is the only opportunity I ever get to "talk" - absolutely zero real life sources right now, and I'm going slightly crazy over it. Too much pressured up in my heart. I will be back soon.