On the eve of 5 weeks...

Thank you all for the sweet and encouraging comments on my last post.

Today I temped again when I woke, just because. I thought it would be good to keep that up for a while, given the confusion over things. And I got 36.41, quite a drop from before, and it worried me because that usually only happens when my progesterone has dropped low enough for bleeding to start. Usually I bleed the same day I start out with a temp drop. And I thought surely I wouldn't be bleeding yet because of the positive test yesterday. Then I remembered that it took ages to show the result on that test, which maybe meant that it was hardly picking up any hcg at all, and then eventually had just enough for a positive result. So if my hcg was still dropping today, then maybe I could bleed today. :(

I also wasn't sure if I could detect ANY nausea this morning, and waited for it to kick in, because some days it has kicked in late in the morning or around lunchtime. It did kick in just before lunch, which was reassuring, but it was so much milder than it has been. I have stayed nauseous all day (still here now at midnight) but it's really just very mild queasiness.

By this evening I was exhausted as usual. Neil was unexpectedly going to be late home (8.30+), and I was so wiped and scatterbrained that I still hadn't sorted out dinner for the kids and it was 7.45pm! I was in the kitchen trying to figure that out, and noticed I had a dragging backache that made my muscles feel tired and strained, not like a "sore back" that you can get sometimes. I also felt the sensation I've been feeling a lot, that maybe I was bleeding, which has always been increased amount of normal CM that I get during pregnancy. So I went to the loo, and by the looks of it I had only just started bleeding. It was red on my pad, like heavy red spotting, or red CM, rather than red flow.

I had ordered more FRER tests so that I could test tomorrow and find out whether that 18dpo line that had been lighter, was progressing to even lighter or not. Given the bleeding, despite having been for a wee 5 hours before, I figured that was long enough at 20DPO to see a line and make a judgement, and I POAS. Here's what I got - another photo with my crappy tablet (I don't have the use of my cameras at the moment, and the tablet takes rubbish unfocused photos that blur and can't pick up detail!):

So sad to see the confirmation. Almost a negative result. You probably can't see the test line at all - if anything it just looks like a faint shadowy-ness on the photo. I can see the line on the test itself - not like squinting for a maybe-there line when first testing. An obvious (to me) second line, but just super SUPER faint. I could see it without difficulty to the naked eye, though I had to turn the test towards the light to see it well enough, but I found it impossible to photograph on my stupid tablet camera, the only camera I've got at the moment. I'm so angry that I couldn't capture such an important thing - the last glimpse of my little one's evidence before it faded away forever. :(

So, there we are.

I came downstairs and put something fun on TV for the children while I went to make their dinner. Neil and I were planning to eat later after they were in bed. I just felt so weird. Surreal like when I found out I was pregnant, but sad surreal instead of happy surreal. The radio was on in the kitchen (I listen to music a lot), and the songs were like a bizarre playlist of beautiful heart-rending tracks specifically picked to twang the emotions of someone who had just started a miscarriage that very day. I mean, I know they weren't, but it seemed like it - the lyrics were so... too much of the words, "baby", "beautiful girl", "I love you", and phrases about coming to the end of the rainbow, never forgetting, always loving - I just listened and cried. I couldn't stop the tears. I think I got all of two pieces of bread buttered before Neil finally got home. When he came in I could barely talk to him in the hallway without my face and voice giving my emotion away, but I was able to tell him I was bleeding and got a lighter line on the test (not sure if he heard that last part, because he seemed surprised to hear it later). He gave me a quick hug and asked if I wanted to go upstairs. I nodded, and he took over making dinner. I was so thankful to escape to let go of the hold I was trying to keep on my feelings because of the kids around. I went up with the tablet, so that I could message friends and update the places I'd been asking advice about the tests. I shut my bedroom door and turned out the light, and sat with my back against the door crying for a while. Just so heartbroken, and at the same time feeling so silly because it's so early and it pales in comparison to "real" losses further down the line. I know it's still a loss, but I can't seem to justify my emotions over it somehow. I can't get past it.

I was so sure this baby would have been - was - a girl, because of the girl morning sickness. It was the weirdest feeling - I guess this is all new to me, I am so thankful to have never had a miscarriage before - that I hadn't... lost anything yet. Whatever bleeding is going, is very light so far, just heavy spotting really. I am mildly crampy and have some backache, but that's it. I know it will kick in, and I guess it will be like a heavy period? I don't know. I don't know when, but I hope it won't be dragged out. On the other hand, the thing that made me cry the most was not wanting my body to flush her out. I did not want to physically let go of the life that had been starting, even though it wasn't life any longer, and it needed to go. The feeling of bleeding lightly onto my pad while desperately not wanting to bleed my baby out was weird and overwhelming and I didn't expect the emotion that came with it. I would feel it like a wave, cry, and then feel almost embarrassed because a wave of awkwardness would come, that I was only 5 weeks (almost) and the baby was "just" a squiggle, just visible to the naked eye. An amazingly detailed squiggle, but still just a lil squiggle with a potential for a heartbeat in a couple of days. Totally different to losing a baby with arms and legs and facial features and a heart that had been beating. I want to own my feelings without them keeping on being replaced by a sense of foolishness, but at the same time I don't feel like they are justified. Even though I know the theory that loss is loss, and not to compare. *sigh* Maybe it's because it's never happened to me before? I don't know.

So that is the update. Sad update. I'm sad about it. I'm glad to have had such clear obvious signs that I was pregnant, and that they are photographed and documented. There's still food and drink in the kitchen that was bought to help me feel less queasy. I have lovely bold lines on test sticks that show I was healthily pregnant for a little bit at least. I wish I could have kept her. I really wanted her. I would have loved a third little girl in my little gaggle of sisters, another girl for the big brothers to dote on, someone to wear the hand-me-downs from Lydia and Rosalie that I have so enjoyed dressing them in. I would still be happy to have a boy, and it has been almost 5 years since I gave birth to a baby boy! But I would have LOVED another daughter - and for a short while she was there, really and truly. Not just "maybe I was pregnant?", but definitely. Truly. Maybe she wasn't a girl? That's possible. But I will always hold to the idea that she was, because the morning sickness was indisputable to me - like Lydia and Rosalie's and NOT like my six boys. I wondered briefly about naming her like I named Toby, but it feels too painful to think about, so I maybe won't.

I am not going to take any more tests because today's was almost negative, and testing further would be pointless. I will temp though, into a new cycle and beyond. I am still waiting to actually bleed. To get to the point of loss. I haven't lost anything physically yet. Probably tomorrow. Neil has been sweet, and given me cuddles tonight. He has texted his boss and told him, and his boss said to take tomorrow off! Which is so lovely, and I'm so glad to have him home tomorrow. I will update again for closure soon.