4 weeks, 5 days

End of the day, almost, and I'm nearly 5 weeks pregnant. I'm 19DPO today. If you've read my blog for my other pregnancies you'll know that I chart and temp until 18DPO, and also tend to take a final test that day, or 16DPO. Since I last posted here, I took a test at 16DPO. Because the 14DPO test line was so dark, almost exactly the same as the control line, I figured that two days later, the line would be at least as dark as the control line. I got a nice quick clear positive, but I thought maybe the line wasn't quite as dark as the last test. It was so similar though, that eventually I let it go, and thought I would check again at 18DPO.

Fast forward to yesterday morning. I saw the line right away, but it stayed so faint until maybe the 3-5 minute mark. I mean, less faint than my first test at 11DPO. My heart just sank. When it had dried, I was able to compare it with the other tests more accurately. The line was definitely lighter. It was first morning urine, at least 9-10 hours worth as usual. I knew it was not a good sign, but the confusing thing is the fact that I've been so nauseated (DEFINITELY morning sickness. I know that like that back of my hand) every single day since it started at 3 weeks and 6 days in the evening. Some days it is barely there until mid or late morning, and other days (most days) it is there whenever I'm awake. It's nowhere near as bad as the full blown thing that really kicks in properly from 5.5 weeks or so, but it's pretty yucky, especially if I get too hungry. It's early for me to have persistent morning sickness, but it was similar with Rosie. Milder than this at this stage though, even so...

Here's a photo of the 18DPO fainter test line, with the others for comparison. 

That was my last test. It was supposed to just be an extra, fun confirmation test to finish off with. :/ I knew I would need to buy more to keep tabs on what was going on. Asking on my large family group was helpful, and so was my friend Rebecca. Some of them said it could just be a variation in the dye, or just a random thing that you can't really rely on. Most of them said just get blood work done - ah, if only it were that simple! They don't do that here in the UK, unless - like my situation last time - you are bleeding like crazy and they can confirm a pregnancy with a test, but not visualise the evidence with an ultrasound. THEN they will do a beta test, and follow it up with another to see if the numbers are doubling. I had that for the first time with Rosie, because of those circumstances. But otherwise it's just a "time will tell" thing, and I will have to see if my tests get lighter, or just wait and see. I HATE waiting to see. It stresses me much more than getting a heads up with changing tests. I mustn't let myself hope if there isn't any, because it will be much more painful if I do. So, testing helps that, I guess. Some people said to stop testing because it will drive me crazy. I don't work that way. I guess they are not anxious people - lucky them.

I went to order more First Response tests that I had been using, but remembered that Rebecca suggested taking a Clearblue Digital to see what estimation it gave me on the number of weeks since conception (based on the amount of hcg the test picks up). There is absolutely no question about my dates, and I knew that I would be 2 weeks and 5 days after conception today, when the test would arrive, so I knew it should say "Pregnant 2-3". Maybe if the level of hormones had risen quicker (like with twins I guess), it might even say 3+ since I'm near to 3 weeks after conception. If it said 1-2, that would be bad news, I think.

I got a twin pack of digital tests today, and since they arrived in the afternoon and I was in no way going to be able to hold my pee until then from the night before (lol!), I went to the loo in the morning around 8.30am and then managed to wait until 5.45pm. So, plenty of urine saved up. I took the test and waited. It took AGES to show a result, which I thought was odd because it said that it would take 3 minutes, and in some cases it would show a result within 1 minute. It took longer than 3 minutes. Four or so, I think. Anyway, it said this:

Pregnant 1-2. I know that's not good. :( Everything seems like I am probably waiting to miscarry, but the one confusing thing remains the pregnancy symptoms. If my hcg levels have been dropping even just for a few days, at this early stage my symptoms would surely disappear immediately. It's not like there's enough hcg built up over weeks to maintain symptoms while waiting to miscarry - it's too early for that. Heck, it's too early for pregnancy symptoms really, even for me! But they're there. Nausea all day. Crushing exhaustion complete with dizzy spells and swinging rooms. Crazy sensitive smell and taste. Weirdly soft skin. All the stuff, and more, than I usually have in week 4. So that really confuses me, and is the only thing giving me hope. Which I'm nervous to allow myself to have, because it's probably not something to invest in. I want to hope because I don't want to give up on a pregnancy that just MIGHT continue - someone said not to be all negative vibes over my baby, in case it needs my positivity to survive. :/ But I so WANT this baby. I so want her. My morning sickness is so very much GIRL, that I feel sure she is one. Her little heart should start beating in a few days. I've been looking forward to that milestone so very much. I can't put all my emotions in either direction because it's all up in the air - who knows what is going on yet, and I will have to wait. I can't hope, and I can't grieve. Yet.

I was planning to take the second Clearblue Digital test in a few days, when it REALLY should say Pregnant 3+, but Pregnant 2-3 will do, just to see it going up from 1-2 weeks. Now I'm thinking that I might also buy another FRER test and see if it has a line that's lighter still, than the 18DPO one. It wouldn't arrive tomorrow now, so it would be 5 weeks exactly that I would test again at the earliest. But my 18DPO line was as light as the 11DPO line. And I used a Clearblue digital test with Lydia at 9DPO, and got this exact result - "Pregnant 1-2", which means that maybe my HCG level was at an 11DPO stage yesterday, and today is around a 9DPO stage? Maybe. So, maybe I won't even make it to the day after tomorrow before I start bleeding?

I hate waiting! Even if I know it's coming, I'm really anxious about starting to bleed. Just seeing it really. I will update again to keep you posted, if there's anything to report. Otherwise I am waiting. Weirdly detached, and then completely emotionally invested, and then weirdly detached, and just waiting. Parenting and snuggling littles, and making lunches through nausea, and taking off muddy boots and correcting spelling, and doing bedtime prayers and cuddling my hubby. It feels like it's taking forever to know, but it's really not long I suppose.