Here we go...

Thank you so much for the lovely supportive comments on my last blog entry. I guess I meant to update again about how things were going, but I never did. My bleeding was heavier with this miscarriage than my last one, but it settled down to spotting and faded out about the same way as before. I think it lasted a little longer. Nothing outstanding to report.

Neil was off work for a week, which was amazingly lovely. I had an extremely annoying complication of going deaf around the time that my miscarriage started, which was on the Wednesday I think. By Friday I was completely deaf in my right ear and the left ear was like hearing everything echoey down a long long tube. I was dizzy and nauseated from it constantly. My face felt numb, even my eye felt numb on the deaf side from the lack of sensation, it was horrible! Worst of all it prevented me from focusing in on my miscarriage in progress, which I hated. Neil was home so I could rest and grieve, and I couldn't do either. I was exhausted from the weird sensation and I guess trying to compensate with other senses. The children's normal noise was unbearable and clashed and jarred in my head, giving me headaches. It was just SUCH BAD TIMING!!! I'm still annoyed about it!

I went to the out-of-hours clinic on Friday evening and they confirmed both ears were completely impacted with wax, bleurgh. I have always had problems with wax and have had my ears syringed loads of times since my teens. Anyway, apparently they no longer offer syringing in my area, and the out-of-hours clinic wasn't equipped to unblock my ears, so I had to go home with it unresolved! :( The nurse was great. When I told her I was dizzy and nauseous, she asked me if there was any chance I was pregnant. I replied, "I am on day 3 of a miscarriage. So, yes, but no." Totally without any feeling, and just looking at myself saying it felt really weird, like WHY haven't you got any emotion to go with that information?! Her demeanour changed immediately and she said she was sorry, and continued the examination, but talking more softly and calling me "honey" and such. I felt grateful for the way she was treating me, but like a total fraud, not having the grief to go with the treatment. Like I was not owed that kind of gentleness because I didn't have any need for it. I felt so ashamed inside, weirdly.

Anyway, she advised me that I would have to be referred for microsuction on my ears, but it could be a few weeks wait - WHAT?!! Then she told me the same nurse who runs the ear clinic also takes private patients on a Wednesday or a Friday, for £49, and if I could afford it, it would be a good idea to get that done! I booked an appointment for Wednesday, and even so it seemed like forever to wait 5 days with my ears as they were. That was the entire time of Neil's leave from work. I was so angry that I wouldn't be able to have any time out from my ear troubles to just BE with my miscarriage and feelings without distraction, before my time was up and Neil was at work again. :/

So that's exactly what happened. I had my ears unblocked on the Wednesday to my great relief and joy! Everything was SO LOUD afterwards, lol! She told me that I have a kink to my ear canals instead of a smooth curve towards the eardrum, and that's why my ears are having a harder time keeping themselves clear of wax. My mum is the same, and she said it's probably that I have my mum's ear canals! ;) They are not narrow, and I don't have excessive production, so that's good. When the nurse was doing the initial medical history thing at the beginning, she asked, pen poised, if there was any chance I could be pregnant. I was still bleeding, light/spotting. I said, "No." and that was that. Kind of a bit of a pang to not even acknowledge my miscarriage still going on, but there seemed no point. It was a yes or no answer, and the answer was no. No other emotions.

Neil went back to work, and that was the end of it. I did have a bad day on Friday that week, just overwhelming with various issues with kids and being really tired out - I stayed exhausted for a week or so after, like the last time I miscarried. Neil got home and I felt needy and hormonal. I knew that meant I was gearing up to ovulate maybe, and it seemed SO SOON. I was still spotting I think. But I could feel my hormones shifting, and I did not look forward to the weird emotional peri-menopause thing coming round again. I took a shower and cried my heart out, and that was literally it. My single emotional moment in the entire experience. Nothing since, but maybe there's nothing there anyway? I don't know. I feel pretty settled since then, though I'm not sure what is "normal" and what isn't.

I regret my little one not making it. I think of her, and of her and the tiny sister who was lost before her. They are my girls who will always be mine. I named her last week. I don't even know where it came from - it was just in my head when I thought, "What shall I name her?" My precious friend Rebecca has been my virtual shoulder through so much, so I am naming her Rebekah because I love the Hebrew spelling, and her middle name is Joy, because I am so very blessed to have had her.

Abigail Faith and Rebekah Joy. Just typing their names makes me well up, but with happiness and pride. I like that. :)

So now I am 9 days past ovulation. I think. That is what Fertility Friend says. I had ovulation pain, bad, the day before FF thinks I ovulated. It started at 3.30pm, I mean, totally obvious ovulation pain as I am used to experiencing it. It was bad enough to take painkillers. Left sided. We had parsnips that evening, and the next morning I had no temp rise like I was expecting, which was a surprise. I continued to have ovulation pain through the morning but more dull, like after the event. I am SURE I ovulated the previous day, otherwise I would not have had the severe ovulation pain that day. But anyway. Temp jump the day after, so FF says I ovulated the second day of ovulation pain.

I have had pregnancy symptoms through the last week - mostly my skin breaking out like CRAZY, more than I'm used to for sure. Also super irritable - Neil flat out told me I was pregnant a few days ago based on that alone, and even saw fit to swing me around in a congratulatory hug, almost putting his back out in the process, lol! ;) So he's pretty certain.

I was a bit weepy at 4DPO (good typical flag for me anywhere between 2 and 4DPO. Call it too early to have any symptoms, but that's something that tends to happen when I'm pregnant, and doesn't when I'm not. Also extreme pregnant-style gassiness started at 4DPO and has been ongoing (urgh!) ever since. Very pregnant of me. BUT, I had similar the cycle I wasn't pregnant between my miscarriages, so... Another slightly TMI sign for me, especially with all my conceptions since Elijah, is normal bowel movements, lol! I am permanently constipated, literally always and forever, and somewhere around 1 week after ovulation if I'm pregnant, for absolutely no reason I start having normal bowel movements every day! It's wonderful, haha! But it only happens when I'm pregnant. That started for me at 6DPO, and has carried on since, so I feel pretty sure that's a pregnancy thing for me.

At 6DPO I had bad cramps! I mean, really proper bad cramps! On my left side through front and back, from 8.40pm for the rest of the evening. Also I remembered that before the bad cramps started that evening, when I was breastfeeding Rosie for her nap that afternoon, I felt mildly crampy after a while and I remember thinking it felt like breastfeeding-induced Braxton Hicks, but just very mild. I was thinking, "Hmmm..." at the time, and then the cramps in the evening. By bedtime I had bad backache with it, and generalised crampiness across the front, not just left sided. The next morning I felt generally somewhat crampy, but not bad cramps, and I still had backache. I knew it was my typical implantation window so I felt excited, but that was the time I started to become anxious about being pregnant again. Not for any reason other than possibly having to go through another miscarriage again. I love to be pregnant, but I am worried that I will not be able to keep the pregnancy. My symptoms are very progesterone-y - I have had some bad headaches this week that I typically get a day or two before my period arrives, which I think are progesterone headaches. I get them in pregnancy too. Surely that's a good sign? I am so nervous to take progesterone supplements in any form, without knowing if my progesterone is low. It was a great level with Rosie when I was very early (4 weeks) and bleeding heavily. The doctor likely will not test for it just because I go and ask for it. I think if I miscarry again I will ask, because that will be 3 in a row.

I have been waking from vivid, usually bad, dreams since 7DPO. That's something that NEVER seems to happen outside of being pregnant, but it's also something I get a lot in pregnancy, and has been one of my earliest symptoms in the past.

Today being 9DPO, I knew I could test and see if I got a second line on an FRER test. I was looking forward to it, pretty sure I would get a positive test, but also knowing that I might be surprised and have a negative test, and not be pregnant at all. I have had symptoms in previous cycles where I wasn't pregnant, just this last year or so. I had one FRER test left, and a twinpack of Clearblue digitals. I ordered 4 twinpacks of FRER tests on a bulk deal yesterday - sounds extreme but I am now familiar with needing a zillion decent quality tests to rule out or confirm miscarriage, and want to be prepared properly this time.

So I tested this morning and saw a faint second line come up as I watched, but not until about a minute and half to two minutes had passed. It was clear to my eye without turning the test this way and that, by 4 minutes. But it's sooooo faint, I mean like REALLY faint. Not like my last pregnancy at 9DPO, which was a strong and clearly visible line. This line, I can see without squinting when I look at the test - I keep taking out of the drawer that I've hidden it in, and looking again, just to be sure I can see it the moment I clap eyes on it, lol! And I can. :) But it's that faint, that I can't really get it to show in a photo. So it worries me a bit that it's so faint I can't get it to show in a picture. Here are three attempts - you'll have to see what you think. I posted them on a group I'm in online, and so far several people can see the line, and one can't see anything. I bumped up the contrast in the last one, but I am not sure it really helped.

All I can say is that I can clearly see a line on the actual test in person, and those tests are very reliable, I have only ever had a stark white space when I've tested (many times, lol!) and not been pregnant. So I am confident that I'm pregnant, however faint the line. Being so faint, I'm not sure if that means bad news down the line or not... Or if it's just a later implantation than my previous pregnancies. I wish I had used these tests with my other pregnancies so I could compare, but I only started using them with Rosalie, and that was at 11DPO, not earlier. It was a pretty faint line at 11DPO, but stronger than today's. My first miscarriage, I didn't test before 11DPO either, but it was a stronger line than Rosie's 11DPO line, and my second miscarriage I had a strong visible line at 9DPO, to my surprise. So who can say. I'm nervous! I don't know if anyone can make out the line that's there in my photos - I have a hard time seeing it in any of them, but it's there in real life. I have charted a positive test, and feel joyful and celebratory despite my nerves, because there's another precious life beginning inside me, and I'm so very blessed, even if it's just for today.

I will test again tomorrow - my tests just arrived in the post as I typed this! :) We shall see where it goes from here. I am due February 17th. I've never had a February baby before and that would be lovely! Nathan was due Feb 10th, but of course he came at 35 weeks, so he's a January baby. My birthday is the 21st, and I can't think of a more wonderful birthday present.