Miscarriage update

Well, I would be 5 weeks pregnant today, and as I expected, things kicked off yesterday. It's bizarre how exactly the same it is to my last miscarriage.

Matthew has an infection around his fingernail which he went to the doctor for a couple of days ago. He's on antibiotics and she said that if it gets any worse meanwhile, to take him to A&E (ER). So yesterday morning it looked the same as always, and Neil went to work. By late morning it was bad enough that I took photos of it and emailed them to Neil at work so he could help me decide! ;) It was a helpful distraction from what I was waiting for, at least. Neil decided to come home and err on the side of caution. He had already told his boss about the finger and the impending miscarriage, and he was very understanding and told him to get home already. :) By the time he got back, it was obvious that Matthew would need to go to the hospital. They left at around 3pm (it takes a while to get back from where he works in London), and about an hour before that, I went to the toilet and discovered a solitary pink spot on my pad (which I'd put there for security). There was pink CM when I wiped, and I knew this was it. I didn't have even the slightest feeling of crampiness, or the backache that had directly preceded the bleeding on my last miscarriage. I figured that since everything was exactly the same so far, the actual miscarriage would be too. Not the case, apparently.

So Neil and Matthew set off, and the other children played in the garden (it was such a lovely sunny day yesterday). Arthur watched Time Team, which he's currently obsessed with (archaeology, for anyone who hasn't seen it), and I sat as restfully as I could and watched the kids outside and vaguely took in soothing distraction from the TV at the same time. Occasionally I went to check on the spotting, and found that it quite quickly became red bleeding, but only a light flow. No bits or clots yet. I felt weirdly unemotional about it. I thought maybe because there was so much going on that was unusual that day. Also - weird and trivial thing that has had a big impact for some reason - I have a crazy amount of wax in my ears lately. It has been 4 years or something since I last had them syringed, and I get wax build ups pretty quickly. I usually leave it until I can't hear, and then finally get it sorted! ;) It has been affecting my hearing for the last few months, but I can pretty much pull on my ears and hear again (sounds daft, I know!), so I hadn't done anything about it. I finally called and arranged an appointment with the nurse on Tuesday next week, and then two days ago I slept heavily on my right ear for hours straight, and couldn't hear through it when I got up. Instead everything is muffled (I can't hear what someone is saying on the phone with that ear) and it's ringing constantly. Anyway, it won't clear! I think I am stuck with it until I get it seen to, and it's so incredibly distracting. It makes me feel off balance, and dizzy, and the side of my face constantly feels numb and weird because that sense is off. It is constantly affecting how I process everything - the way the room looks, the sounds of my kids (which are omnipresent and at varying volumes from whispering and tapping to loud bangs and screaming, all at once!!!), the amount of focus I have left for emotion, how tolerant I am about ANYTHING, etc. It's beyond annoying.

Long story short, even my bloomin' ear is affecting the way I'm able to be still and focus on my miscarriage. Everything feels off and I'm constantly distracted. My left ear is not hearing properly either, and sleeping on it makes it block up but at least that still recovers after I get up (for now!). Woe betide me if I get even a drop of water in it when I wash my hair! I have to wait 5 hours or so for it to dry out before my hearing comes back!

ANYWAY. I have not had any feelings at all. Like zero. Nothing. Just very matter of fact and emotionless. I want to feel something!!! I don't know why I am not. I have a lot of distractions going on, so maybe it's just that? I don't know.

Matthew had his finger successfully drained (ew!) at the hospital, and they got home around dinner time. I was feeling rather desperate to get to the point of kids going to bed, so that I could have a quiet house and an opportunity without being demanded of constantly, to maybe get in touch with my feelings, and to process what was going on. I wanted time alone with Neil too. He seemed to be acting kind of awkwardly around me, not making eye contact and stuff. I am pretty sure he didn't know what to do or say. I told him I just needed hugs, and for the kids to go to bed.

Once they were in bed and most of them asleep, I had the most horrendous headache. It started while Neil and Matthew were out at the hospital, but got worse as the evening approached. I think I had headaches last time too. Maybe hormone changes. I was also getting more crampy. And I hurt my ankle somehow! Getting up off my bed with Rosie when she woke up from her nap. I don't even know how, I just pushed up from squatting, and when I walked on it, it hurt like I had sprained it a little. That got worse and worse through the evening. It really hurts to limp on it. So silly! I'm falling apart! ;)

In the evening, Neil asked me what he could do. I was SO exhausted, but I didn't want to go to bed. He lit the fire (just about still cool enough in the evening!) and brought me a bedcover to snuggle under on the sofa, and then I arranged him behind me like I had been longing for. He held me for ages, but instead of my anticipated response, I just lay there like an empty shell with no discernible feelings whatsoever.

Last time I had a miscarriage, my emotions were right there. The onset of bleeding had me crying, heartbroken that I was bleeding out my own tiny child that never got to be. I wanted to stop her leaving my body. Everything was so tangible. This time the same circumstances are occurring, but without any connection or feeling. I even tried thinking of it in the same way - my baby is leaving my body - but nothing. I welcomed the worsening cramps as I lay there on the sofa yesterday evening, even willing them to get worse so I would really FEEL something. My headache became too painful to bear, and the closest I got to actually feeling upset was the moment I had to accept taking painkillers for my headache, because I knew it would also take away my cramps and I wanted those so much.

In the end, I propped myself up reclining on the sofa to read the lovely supportive messages I'd been getting online, and couldn't keep my eyes open. I must have dozed for an hour or so - and it's been over a decade since I dozed off on the sofa! - because Neil started clearing things away to go to bed, and somebody woke briefly, which I heard over the monitor from where Rosie was sleeping. When I sat up I was aware of some cramping, and then I got up and felt immediate "flow", so I knew I was bleeding properly now.

I got ready for bed as quickly as I could, and went to the toilet in the dark, but I could make out tons of "dark" on the toilet paper as I was wiping, every time I wiped. I put a heavy duty pad on and went to bed, glad to have some cramps for company. I don't know if that's weird of me, but they were very comforting as I lay there falling asleep. The painful heat deep in my pelvis felt like reassuring evidence. I really don't get much cramping any more with periods.

Today has been very similar. Neil initially began with the intention of working from home, but he abandoned that by late morning, and sent an email asking if he would be allowed to take off work until next Wednesday. I was surprised (in a good way) by his request! :) We'll see what his boss says. I got up needing a wee, and cramping pretty badly, which reminded me of what was happening as I came out of my sleep. Again, no actual feelings at the realisation. Nothing. :/ It bothers me. Just, oh yeah, that. And I got up to go to the loo, and felt kind of light-headed and weird. When I sat on the toilet, SO MUCH BLOOD fell out of me, and just seemed to keep going for a while. So unlike last time, when it was a much more measured flow, and I could keep track of what I was losing by looking at what was on the toilet paper or the pad. Most of this loss has just fallen into the toilet and I kind of regret not getting to see - maybe that sounds gross, and also a bit silly, because the baby was 0.4mm across in size, so not even something I could see. But last time I found comfort in just casting my eye over things, just almost like paying respect to the fact that my little one was passing. This time, no opportunity at all. I either keep going to the loo in the dark, or else there's too much bleeding to do anything but bleed.

I have been crampy all day. I got a headache again the same as yesterday, but not quite as bad. And I avoided the painkillers, gratefully, and kept the company of my cramps.

It's so much later now - I wrote the above earlier in the afternoon when I was resting a bit upstairs. Now it's ridiculously late and I have been relaxing and distracting myself with TV and stuff. Neil's boss replied to him to say he could take the time off work, which is wonderful!

I talked to Neil this evening about having no feelings. He said that maybe I am just not ready for feelings yet. Maybe I found it hard last time so I am holding back subconsciously this time? I don't know. I AM more than ready! It's frustrating me to heck not to have any feelings! But I know what he means. He asked if it would bother me if he played a computer game - would it be insensitive of him and would I be upset about it. I said no, but there is another example of the feelings issue. Even stuff that isn't connected to the miscarriage - even if I might be upset about it normally, I literally do not have any feelings about it at all. It's like someone has switched me off, and I am not hurt or touchy or sad about anything at all. I don't like it one bit.

What if it doesn't come back before the miscarriage ends? I want to feel something before my body is finished, I don't know why. What if it doesn't come back at all?! What if I never feel anything for this baby's loss? That feels awful to me. Like I grieved my last baby that I lost, but it's not fair to this baby not to show grief and sorrow like the other. That does kind of hurt my heart, now I think about it... maybe there is a feeling somewhere in there?

I read a leaflet last time that said there is no right or wrong way to feel after a miscarriage. Which I fully agree with, but now I can't seem to accept it of myself. I want my feelings back! Even if they hurt! I hate this nothingness.

I have rested up here and there today, and Neil has made meals, done housework, given Matthew his antibiotics, etc. and we've both done the parenting. I am so grateful to him for his kindness and support to me. :)

I am still bleeding heavily but I think maybe it's slowing down. I am still crampy too, but less than before. It feels like three days since it started, but Neil told me it was only yesterday! :-O Weird how the time is stretching out and making no sense. I took a double dose of my natural iron supplement today, and I'll keep doing that for a while, as I'll probably need it.

That's all I can think of tonight. I might update again soon if I need to put my feelings to words, or something.