Long overdue update

I meant to come back here and write about my actual miscarriage, and the feelings that came with it. I don't know why I didn't. I did read all the lovely comments and they really lifted me up - thank you so much! :)

The day after my last entry (when I had an almost negative test, and started bleeding), my bleeding got much heavier, and almost immediately I started passing tiny little pieces of light coloured "stuff" - like finely chopped liver, but much lighter in colour. Other things I didn't expect - lots of stringy stuff, and blood that was like EWCM or soft clots. Sorry if that's TMI for you! :/ I don't do TMI, so if you read me you risk it! ;) I just wanted to write down exactly my experience, in case I need it for reference in the future.

Neil took the next day (Thursday) off work, and then ended up telling work that he wouldn't be back until Monday - apparently they had left it up to him whether he go in on Friday or not. I felt a mixture of kind of awkward about it (like I was undeserving of the attention, being such an early miscarriage) and grateful for the TLC. I felt really wiped out and rested a lot. We didn't tell the children anything, and still haven't. As far as Neil being home at the end of the week, and me resting, Neil told them that I wasn't feeling well and he was home so I could rest and feel better. Part of me wanted to tell them. I just felt too sad about it to talk to them at the time. I wanted to be left alone. And they didn't require an explanation, because they had no idea. I felt like that was a good way to leave it - why make it more difficult for myself to deal with? But if anyone asks - not sure exactly what I even mean by that. Ask what?! If it ever comes up, I will tell them that I was pregnant and had a miscarriage at 5 weeks. That it was a girl, or at least I think it was a girl, because of the morning sickness being the same as Lydia and Rosalie. Even if they don't ask, I will probably tell them eventually. It's part of their family story that I think they should know.

After a few weeks, I decided to name her. I couldn't at first because it felt painful to think about, and it seemed like it made sense to minimise the pain I was feeling, so I didn't think about a name. But it's funny, I named her while I was still carrying her, before I knew anything was wrong! :)

One night, during the time when I was still getting nice strong positive tests, Neil's brother came over and the two of them drove in the van to their sister's house, a couple of hours drive away. They went to collect the bunk bed that her girls have outgrown, and bring it back here. They left early evening, and I kind of expected them back by 11 or midnight, but they didn't arrive. Around 1am I finally went to bed, but I lay there in the dark worrying (I excel at worrying, lol!). By 1.40am I was in a complete frenzy! Where could they be?! I knew they wouldn't phone because they wouldn't want to wake anyone, but maybe there would be an email or message or something. So I got up and went downstairs to check. Nothing. All sorts of scenarios went through my head. I thought they could have had a bad accident and I would never know until the morning when I got "the call" once they had been identified (I am good at catastrophizing!). There was nothing to do but wait. I was wide awake despite being tired out, and knew I couldn't sleep until they got home - if they got home. While I waited, I wondered. I thought how sad it would be if Neil really did die and never got to meet his baby girl. What would I ever do without him?! How would I cope? How would the children cope? And what would I name the baby to honour him? I suddenly remembered I was reading old blog entries of mine earlier that day, and I found one (I don't remember whose pregnancy I was reading about at the time) where he had suggested the name Abigail. I had loved the meaning but didn't like the name quite enough to use, compared with others on my shortlist. So it had been put aside. It means "father's delight" or "father's joy", and I thought HOW APPROPRIATE!! Not only is it one that Neil himself had suggested in the past, but it means something special relating to Neil! When I stopped to think what her middle name would be, I knew instantly that it would be Faith, because I would need faith to get through it, if Neil died.

Anyway, I was deep in thought over all this when Neil and his brother finally arrived home, to my IMMENSE relief! :) I still didn't sleep for a while after he came to bed because I had to snuggle with him for a while before I could let go of him and fall asleep.

I knew that it wouldn't be the name I would *actually* use with all being well, but it would absolutely have been her name if Neil had died or something awful like that. I didn't really think about it after that night, until I suddenly remembered it a few weeks after my miscarriage. I loved the thought that the baby had a proper name that was absolute in my mind, while I was still carrying her, not knowing I would miscarry. So it seemed obvious that it was to be her name. Abigail Faith. Whenever the children find out about her, they will know her by name. I think of her as one of my girls - Lydia, Rosalie, and Abigail. I can't believe I conceived three girls a in row! And I feel sad that they will not be a little trio like I had hoped. But I am at peace about it. My feelings took a while to settle down, much longer than my physical symptoms. My bleeding was over so fast! I didn't expect it. I bled heavily for three days, and then that was it. Spotting, but it was over and done with. I seemed to lose all the important stuff right away and then finish up with a period, but not a particularly heavy one after the initial couple of days. Like it all came out with a bang, and then it was done. Odd. I would have worried that I'd retained something if it had been a later miscarriage, but with it being so early I didn't think there was an issue.

I went on to ovulate and get another period. I was sad again around the day when her heart would have started beating, and also unexpectedly sad when I got my next period, because the bleeding reminded me of last time. One day, weeks later, I was searching for a phone that we needed to return to someone and had had for ages. It was in a box that hadn't been opened in about 18 months, and I went rifling through it when I found a moment. I found the phone, but while I was rummaging, I also found my Doppler and ultrasonic gel. I hadn't seen that since I last used it to find a tiny baby's heartbeat, and it struck me SO. Just holding it. I hadn't expected to find it, and I didn't know what to do with myself, or how I was supposed to feel. It was like a weird timing, something felt purposeful about the timing of the find, and I suddenly had the urge to check the calendar. It gave me goosebumps when I discovered that if I hadn't miscarried, I would have been exactly 9 weeks and 1 day pregnant - the exact gestation that I first found a couple of my babies' heartbeats. Some were earlier, during week 8, but I would undoubtedly have been listening in with the Doppler at 9 weeks and 1 day, regardless of whether I already found it a few days before or not. It was soooo strange to find it that particular day, and I felt a strange swell of anger and sorrow over it for the rest of the day.

We didn't happen to have any parsnips in my fertile window the next cycle, so there was no chance of pregnancy, but I did have a bunch of pregnancy symptoms, which was helpful to know that I really can't trust my early pregnancy symptoms any more. Or at least, know they could mean pregnancy, but that equally they might not! My period after my miscarriage was heavy and lasted longer than I was used to, and just wiped me out. I don't know if that's relevant to anything, but I'm writing it anyway in case I want to know further down the line.

I am having symptoms that are beginning to look kind of peri-menopausal. Emotional swings and roundabouts that are cyclical in nature, around ovulation time. I can't remember how much I mentioned here before, if anything. Since around 4 or 5 months after Rosie was born, I have noticed changes. WAY different libido. Clingy and needy, and irrationally blowing things out of proportion in the week leading up to ovulation, sometimes starting before my period has quite finished. My fertile signs are just as strong as normal, and my cycles are normal enough for me. I have been having a few short cycles though, and I read that's an early peri-menopause thing. The emotional neediness is focused mainly on my relationship with Neil, and it has intensified over this past year. I can predict it like clockwork, every single cycle. I know when it will start, and I know I will be irrational in my thinking, and I can talk sanely and calmly about this ahead of it kicking in with Neil. Then it kicks in, and I'm a crazy woman, crying and sure that Neil is cheating on me or doesn't love me, and wishing he would CONSTANTLY reassure me of his love, etc. I constantly feel like my love tank is utterly empty, and the longing for the various ways for it to be filled consumes my every waking thought. It's really weird! :) But, I know it will only last until I ovulate, and then I will immediately become sane and rational again. I see things clearly and don't have those needs or longings within hours of ovulating, and I'm normal in myself until I next get ready to ovulate. I don't have any changes in my pre-menstrual symptoms, which are all but non-existent in any case, save for a few mild cramps and some mild irritability and tiredness. I have had this situation bad enough to make written note of it for 9 cycles in a row now.

This last cycle was especially bad. I mean I was freaking out thinking we were going to get divorced. Actually really rationally thought that!! :-O It upset me so much that I kept crying all day - like, I NEVER cry. I really have never found it easy for tears to come, even when I need to. But I remember one Saturday crying seven different times in one day, lol! I would sit down on the toilet and start crying! Or start buttering bread and start crying! Total weirdness. It turned out that I wasn't seeing things rationally (you think?!) and we were never going to divorce. ;) And the "all-is-well" parsnips turned out to fall in my fertile window, which I thought was closing because I had had EWCM for seven or eight days straight without ovulating yet, and that usually means a failed attempt and the EWCM dries up without me ovulating. Also I ALWAYS have ovulation pain really bad these days. I have to take painkillers and it is way worse than period pain for me, up over my hip, through my front and back, and into my groin like a searing sickly pain. Usually lasts 5-8 hours, but sometimes it's still there the next morning. But I had zero pain or even discomfort, so I presumed I hadn't ovulated until my temps rose and showed I had.

Around that time, I phoned my mum and spoke to her for an hour and a half about all the mood swings and cyclical miseries, and she said it sounded like the beginning of menopause to her. She asked me what thoughts went through my head when I was upset about things in my "irrational" time each month, particularly relating to Neil. When I told her, and said that I had even thought we'd end up getting divorced this past cycle, there was a short pause on the line, and then she said, "Ah. It's menopause." Apparently my experience is identical to hers, exactly the same thoughts, mood swings, neediness, tearfulness, and especially the not thinking rationally. She said there were many times when she thought she and Daddy would just get divorced (they are literally the most in-love and committed couple I have ever known (married 44 years), with maybe the exception of my grandparents (married 72 years in a few days!)), and my dad used to go for long walks during this time, lol! ;) She was 42. I am 41. Seems pretty likely, hey? :/

She then surprised me by saying something along the lines of, "Don't worry, it's only temporary, and it takes years to reach menopause itself. The irrational moods don't last the whole of that time. There might still be time to squeeze another one in!" :D I was so shocked because my parents used to be really difficult to tell that I was pregnant, or to talk to about the possibility of more babies, because Mummy would always groan and said, "Oh GOD!" or be really obviously not pleased about it, even when I told her I was pregnant again. It made me so sad! My grandparents are worse, but it was still the same kind of thing with my parents. So I was really happily surprised to hear her talk that way! I noticed that she has been more open-minded and even excited about such things these past couple of years. They seemed happy when I announced my pregnancy with Rosie. Earlier this year I was talking to her one time and she said that she was so sorry that she had been unpleasant about it when I had announced a pregnancy in the past, she felt so bad and it was really that she was concerned about how in over my head I was getting. But that now time has gone by, and she sees the children, she sees how happy and well-adjusted they are. She sees the benefits to them of having all these siblings, and that it's fulfilling and joyful for Neil and I, so she has decided to have a change of heart about it. She says she sees how good it is for them all to have so many brothers and sisters! So lovely! She said the same is true of us homeschooling them. At first she was concerned, but now she is thrilled with our choice, and sees so many benefits. She wishes she'd had it in her to homeschool me. I really am just astonished at her change of heart over these things recently! And so happy about it. :)

So I should have updated here, firstly about the miscarriage, and then about the fact that here I am in a cycle with a chance of pregnancy, never mind the early symptoms of menopause! ;)

But I guess I kept being tired, or distracted, or something. And never got around to updating. I didn't feel particularly pregnant after ovulating this cycle, and I was well aware of the previous non-pregnant cycle having pregnancy symptoms, so I didn't want to make ANYTHING of any symptoms that might arise. I also thought it would possibly be a just-after-Christmas baby if I was pregnant, which was a bit scary, lol! I remember Rosie was due January 4th and I already had a Dec 21st baby which I found really stressful right before Christmas, in terms of organising birthday stuff and Christmas stuff close together. And then Rosie came on Dec 28th, haha! ;) So I definitely had a major *gulp* moment when I realised it was probably a similar timing this cycle!

I made a few notes all the same on my fertility friend chart, so that I could reference any changes, whatever the reason for them. From the day after ovulation for several days, I had unusual CM, lots of it and just... different, to my normal CM. By day 4 I had noted that I wondered if it was "pregnant of me"... From 4DPO onwards I had the type of intestinal woe (hideous gassiness and associated bleurgy feelings) that is typical of my luteal phase and beyond when I'm pregnant. But I was sure I had been "gassy" the previous cycle in my luteal phase too, so I discarded that as a potential pregnancy symptom.

My temps were fairly stable, and at 6DPO I made the following note on my chart: "Heavy dull pain / discomfort low in my pelvic area today. Don't think it's bowel or bladder related, and it's maybe an inch above my pubic bone and mostly central or slightly to my right side."

The next day I still felt kind of crampy, not bad crampy, just *there*. I also needed to pee more frequently, though at 7DPO that was too early for it to be potentially pregnancy related, and was more hungry than usual too. My temps rose to a new level the next day at 8DPO, and this was my note in my chart that day: "Horrible backache,  and I mean horrible,  started out of the blue this afternoon after doing exactly nothing to cause it. Reminds me it's been months since I last had ANY back pain, maybe even close to a year? Ages. Just a hot searing soft tissue strain feeling. No idea why! I only noticed after a very inactive afternoon when I went to the kitchen and bent to start filling the dishwasher. 😕" My back ached like that until bedtime, and then when I woke up the next morning it was just a dull background ache which was completely gone by the next day. I still don't remember doing anything to it, and it recovered way too fast (lots of experience with proper low back injury!), so I remember wanting to note it as it was "unexplained" and aroused my suspicion. Backache like that isn't one of my usual early pregnancy symptoms though, so I don't know why it stuck in my mind.

At bedtime I remember thinking that it would be 9DPO tomorrow. I didn't expect a period to be anywhere near at that stage, so I wasn't concerned that my temp would drop and my period would arrive. I thought I would maybe have an 11-ish day luteal phase, so my period would be due on the Monday (this was Friday night last weekend, not Friday yesterday). Anyway, I hadn't wanted to test for a couple more days, because I really didn't feel very pregnant and nor was I gagging for a positive test result (!!) or anything. Just what will be will be, that sort of thing. And glad and grateful if I was pregnant (slightly scared!), and not unhappy if I wasn't. But there's something about 9DPO that is ingrained in me, haha! ;) I know it's The Day that I *could* get a positive test result IF I'm pregnant, maybe. I had a negative at 9DPO with Samuel, and didn't test positive until 11DPO with him. But other times... especially with a First Response test - those are so reliable for early results, over other brands. And knowing I would be 9DPO in the morning with a chance of being pregnant - it was like a pull that I couldn't resist! ;) I didn't know if I even had any tests, except for a lone Clearblue digital left over from the twinpack I started with my pregnancy in February. I definitely didn't want to use that yet, so I thought I had better order some tests.

Next morning my temp went up again - one more day and my chart would be triphasic. I so wanted to test! As it happened, I didn't get chance to go for a wee when I got up in the morning, and a bit later in the kitchen I was rummaging in the medicine cupboard for something, when I came across a twin pack of First Response pregnancy tests!! Yay! So it was like 10.30am before I had chance to sneak off to the bathroom with them.

When I dipped the test, I sat and held it in the correct position rather than leave it on the side to "cook" - I just love watching the line(s) come up! It's a familiar rush, even if I didn't expect a positive. Just fun! ;) Up came the control line, and then I suddenly couldn't bear to look! I tried not to for a while, but that lasted less than 60 seconds, lol! I picked it up again and prepared myself for The Big Squint as I'm used to doing with negative tests, haha! To my absolute shock, there was already the faintest-of-faint second line! I gasped, because I didn't expect it, but the more I sat there gasping at it, the clearer it became! Where I'm normally turning the test this way and that, wondering if I can possibly make out a line, a shadow, anything (!!), there it was plain as day, no squinting required! It was a faint line, but it was a line! I was doing my shouty whisper - "There's a line!... THERE'S A LINE!!!.... THERE'S A LIIIIIINE!!!! NO WAAAY!!!" haha! It was just a shadowy line at first, but by 3 minutes it was more clear, and I was doing various happy dance moves and jumping about the bathroom! ;)

Hard to see in that photo when it was freshly taken, but it was easier to see once it had dried out properly a couple of hours later:

I didn't tell Neil right away. That morning when we woke up, we were having a cuddle before we got up, and Neil said, "I think you'll get your period in a couple of days." I had been really irritable the day before, not about anything in particular, and he said he just knew it was because I was going to get my period, lol! I wasn't sure how he would react to the news, and I just wanted to keep it to myself for the time being. I've never done that before, and it was rather delicious having such a special secret all to myself. Well, myself and Rebecca. ;) I thought maybe Neil would be negative about it. :/ At first, with Rosie's pregnancy, and with the pregnancy I lost, he was happy, but you wouldn't have known it at first because he was overridingly anxious. I wanted only positivity and joy for that first day so, making a big change, I decided to call my parents an hour or two after I tested! Who'd have thought?! :) They were SO THRILLED! My mum called out to my dad, "Alice had a positive test!!" and I heard the distant "Yaaay!" in the background, lol! They congratulated me, were very excited about my "lovely news", and were keen to know when the baby was due, etc.

I had a kind of maybe sore throat starting at 8DPO, and it never turned into anything. I have had that before in my luteal phase when pregnant too, so I noted it. The day of my first positive test (9DPO), I had a heavy "full" feeling low in my pelvis most of the day, and some crampiness and backache, but normal for implantation.

I was messaging with Rebecca late that evening when Rosie woke up, and I went to settle her. She had very unusually wet through her nappy up over her hip (?!!) and soaked her sleepsuit and sleeping bag, so I got everything ready on the bed in the dark to change her without getting her too wide awake. Right as I was about to start changing her, I felt kind of leaky, but I had been having a lot of CM so I figured it was just that (you know where I'm going with this, right? If you've read my blog through many of my pregnancies...). Anyway, the change took a while, and then she needed to breastfeed and she wouldn't settle for a while. I was getting nervous because the cramps and backache had been getting worse the past couple of hours, and I had just continued to put it down to implantation. While I was waiting for Rosie to fall back to sleep, the back and front pain became quite sharp and uncomfortable, and I was so anxious to go and check my underwear. I became SURE I was bleeding, because there was so much time lying there the dark for the "what-ifs" to start up.

When she finally dozed off properly, I went straight to the bathroom, and yes, there was bright red blood, and not a tiny amount of it either. I had bled right through my underwear and pyjamas. When I sat down on the toilet, it dripped into the water. I have been there SO many times with bleeding in pregnancy, and twice at this exact stage (Elijah and Rosalie), but it never fails to scare me silly to actually SEE it, even if I reassure myself that it's happened before and it's probably just heavy implantation bleeding, and all is surely well, etc. I just hate to see blood when pregnant. When I wiped, there were little black clots along with the red bleeding. I became SO crampy, like hard period cramps, and a strange sharp pressure against my rectum, and an almost bearing-down sensation, exactly as I remembered describing it when I bled early with Rosie. It was at the exact same time too - the day I had my first positive test. I knew it was not a period, because it was too early for that at 9DPO. But I was so discouraged, because Rosalie's pregnancy was super scary in terms of bleeding. I bled for weeks and weeks and weeks in my first trimester, and twice had a torrential bleed - once in a public place, pouring out onto the floor (thankfully rushed into a toilet by then!). I SO do not want to go through that again, and a bleed like the start of Rosie's pregnancy suddenly made me think it would be similar throughout. It doesn't mean it will, but anyway. Sinking feeling. I charted it as spotting because the FF chart software automatically starts a new chart and assumes you got your period if you chart bleeding instead of spotting, ugh. And even if I manually merge the charts together, it removes my green pregnant line. So annoying! So I had to chart spotting, but it was full on heavy bleeding that day.

I had bad cramps all the rest of that evening. I wanted to tell Neil that I was bleeding and pregnant and worried. I wanted a cuddle. But it was weird of me that I hadn't told him earlier when I got the positive test, and I felt odd about telling him then. I didn't want the focus to be on the negative, just the happy newsy part. I changed my clothes and went to bed.

The next day at 10DPO my temp went up AGAIN (new high!), my chart was triphasic, and I tested again:

Looking good, right?! :) Stronger line! I was still bleeding, but it was just the remnant of the day before, brown and much lighter along with some normal CM. I had no new bleeding or clots, but was still very crampy with that same bearing-down type pressure. Encouraged by the stronger line and the lack of fresh blood though.

In the evening I noticed that I was feeling queasy. Hmmm! Definitely morning sickness type of queasy too. I think that was the same timing as my last pregnancy and Rosalie's. Lydia's started at 4 weeks (16dpo? I can't remember exactly). Could it possibly be a girl again?! Surely not... but that's the timing of my girls' morning sickness, and none of my 6 boys...

I told Neil that I was pregnant that evening, while we had a cuddle in front of the fire (yes, it's still cold enough, lol!). He was SO shocked, lol! He didn't think I had ovulated, and had been sure I would get my period, but then he said that he should have known that morning when I got out of bed and he hugged me - I was SO warm, and he commented that I was still warm from bed, but he told me it crossed his mind that I was pregnant-warm, but he dismissed it thinking I hadn't ovulated, or that the parsnips wasn't timed if I had. ;) By that time I only had slight brown spotting, so that was reassuring.

I decided, since this is very likely my last pregnancy, that I would test every single morning if I wanted to! I would buy tests and take them every day until I felt like stopping! ;) I love testing, except when it's suspenseful and worrying if I wonder if the tests are getting lighter, but even then I can't help myself, lol! So I decided to go all out and enjoy my last run.

11DPO was uneventful, pretty good line on my pregnancy test which was visible after about 20 seconds, cramping clearing up, and only the slightest bit of brown spotting. I began feeling nauseous around noon, and it stayed for the rest of the day, picking up a little in intensity in the evening, as my morning sickness has always done. I felt pretty good about the pregnancy sticking, and Neil was at the "surreal but happy" stage! :D

At 12DPO I had a really strong clear line on my test which was visible at the same time the control line came up, basically immediately.

I also had no spotting at all that day, not even a trace. Nausea, irritability, gassiness and general fatigue continued as usual - all good signs. The only thing I was nervous about was the fact that since the line was so dark for 12DPO, that somehow the next day would look fainter - I know that's crazy, but it just seemed that way to my head! ;) I had like 12 hours of urine saved up for that sample, and that was unusual. I wondered if it was that dark because of that, and so if I did a sample that was only 8 or 9 hours worth, would it be less concentrated and give a fainter line?!

Next morning, 13DPO, I did get what looks to me like a fainter line, and I was discouraged by that, and the fact that I had a trace of brown spotting that morning. The nausea was reassuring but I had that with my miscarriage too, so I don't want to rely on that as "a good sign" as they say. It doesn't appear to be, for me. It just means I'm pregnant right now. Whether or not I stay pregnant is unpredictable, and that's the thing that gets to me. I was a bit weepy that day, so I charted it, but nothing in particular triggered it.

I wrote notes on my chart for 13DPO: "A short period of INTENSELY painful breasts this afternoon. Hot needles and stabbing flashing pains on both sides, definitely a pregnancy thing. Nauseous from about 11am maybe? Test line good but not quite as bold looking as yesterday's, which makes me nervous for tomorrow's test. Some weird searing crampy sensations inside both hips towards my pubic bone earlier this evening - quite sore. Milder crampiness and low backache later.  Light brown spotting continues  - just a trace really, in normal cm. Really don't feel like anything specific to eat or drink today, nothing seems good. Hungry so needing to anyway though. Still have a sore throat, mostly just mild but worse at times - not turning into anything so I think it's a slightly worse version of my previously experienced early-pregnancy is-it/isn't-it-a-sore-throat. Noticing the constant need to sniff slightly or blow the slightest bit of clear drainage from my nose, which is definitely pregnant of me, and aggravates my queasiness, as it always has done with my other pregnancies."

Once I got to 14DPO, I was still getting a nice line on my test, and no spotting or bleeding (and mucho queasiness - not full blown yet, but yucky all the same), but I felt apprehensive as the time approached where things started to go wrong last time around. 14DPO was my strongest test line last pregnancy, the one I lost. I next tested at 16DPO and the line was maybe a touch fainter. My worries were only confirmed when I got a much fainter line at 18DPO. So I had a good line at 14DPO this time, and have been a little anxious every day since about whether things will start to go wrong again. My lines have been good, and my temps still climbing (triphasic chart still), but I am still hoping to see the lines get darker than they are. I am 16 days past ovulation today. The lines have basically stayed the same since 12DPO I think. No lighter, but no darker. I took my Clearblue digital test this morning as well, hoping to see it say Pregnant 2-3 (weeks since conception) as 16 days puts me into that window. But it said 1-2, which made my heart sink. That's what happened last time at 19DPO, and I knew all was lost for that pregnancy. Maybe it's ALMOST at the 2-3 level but not quite? I don't know. My lines are good, everything else looks fine. I feel VERY much pregnant. I guess I wait and see. I am going to try another digital test in a couple of days, by which time it definitely should say 2-3 unless something is wrong again. I so hope it won't be something wrong. I really want to keep this little one.

Photo from today, of the tests from 12DPO onwards:

Other recent symptoms: Yesterday I was SUPER irritable at everything in the entire world. I unfriended someone on Facebook!! Yes, I really did! :-O I never ever do that, ever! Shaking my head at myself. Every commercial, or discussion on the internet, etc. was like nails on blackboard - I literally got a hot flush and started shaking with suppressed rage about it within seconds! Real people, not so much - like my kids or Neil. I mean, I'm generally feeling irritable and in particular not that tolerant of noise, but the inner rage was directed at TV or the internet world! ;)

Weird one - the ball of my right foot keeps suddenly stabbing me with such intense sharp pain that it makes me feel sick and dizzy until it suddenly stops again. It feels a bit swollen tonight, and I know I haven't done anything to it - it's weird! But I was reading old blog entries, and oddly enough, I had an unexplained really swollen foot just in the ball of my foot and where my toes joined my foot, at EXACTLY this gestation with Rosalie, and I think it was the same foot. I kept thinking what on earth have I even done to it?! Never did find out, and it cleared up after a while. So that's uncanny... or perhaps there for whatever on earth reason pregnancy could induce it to be?!!

I've had loads of ligament type stretching pains inside both hips and radiating to the centre today. Not triggered by anything in particular, just there. That's new today. And some general mild crampiness and low backache again. I'm really bloated today and yesterday too.

I'm really tired, really NOT having any skin break outs (yet) like I usually do, breathless easily (taking iron and vitamins again as of last week), etc. I made a salad with French dressing on it tonight to have with our dinner, and it was okay but nothing amazing. Before I got pregnant I loved that. It's the kind of dressing that I've craved when pregnant before, or LOVED if I ate it when pregnant, but only with my boys. Not at all with the girls. And I was never nauseated this early with the boys either. It seems very much like a girl baby to me! :) But I can't let myself think it could be, because I would SO very much love another girl, and SURELY I would not conceive six boys in a row, and then four girls in a row after that?! I mean, how unlikely would that be?! So I can't let myself believe it, unless I get proof further down the line - if all goes well. I am due on January 11th - exactly a week after Rosie was due, and the day before Nathan's 10th birthday, lol! Of course! ;)

So that's it! My VERY long, and very overdue update on everything. If I had updated regularly as I meant to, I wouldn't have had to condense many days of pregnancy symptoms and tests into one blog entry! Oh well. It's done now, and I will update again soon, hopefully. Thank you to those few who have been stalking my chart and noticed I was pregnant, and sent me congrats! :) I am excited to be pregnant, and a little nervous that it might end in miscarriage after last time. I am already thinking of names, and just so happy and in awe to be here again, with new life inside me! So thankful.