4 weeks, 4 days pregnant

18 days past ovulation today. I didn't test yesterday - it was a nice "day off" as the line was good at 16DPO and I was happy to wait until 18DPO for the next one. I'm nauseous, exhausted and breathless, irritable, slightly weepy - all that good stuff. :) I have Clearblue digital tests on the way to confirm my hcg levels going up, which I planned to take when they arrived this afternoon, or maybe in the morning at 19DPO.

I didn't get to test until quite late in the morning (it was still first morning urine though - I often don't get time to go for a bit!), but finally I got the chance, and sat watching the test to see how quick the line would show. The control line came up but I still couldn't see a second line, which is different from the last few tests. It did come up after about 20 or 30 seconds, but it took no time at all for me to know it was not a good news test. The line is much much fainter than 16DPO. I didn't expect that, and to be honest the thing that bugs me the most is that it's an exact replica of what happened in March. Line was good up to 16DPO (although maybe a slight touch fainter than the previous 14DPO one), and then significantly fainter at 18DPO. And a barely registered positive "pregnant 1-2" on a Clearblue digital at 19DPO. Spotting on the evening of 20DPO and all the rest the next day. It looks like exactly the same timing, to the day. I am so frustrated not understanding why the exactness of it is happening again.

I wish I had tested yesterday. It would have been a heads-up because it has changed SO much in that short time, that there would surely have been an obvious change in how dark the line was yesterday.

My digital tests haven't arrived yet, but they will do within the next few hours. I absolutely cannot bear to take one, because there's no point at all with the FRER test that faint. It will only say "pregnant 1-2" again, and maybe even take an agonising amount of time about it because there might not be much hcg left to register, I don't know. It's exactly the timing of my miscarriage last time, so taking a digital test at the very time that confirmed it to me last time is just NOT something I am going to put myself through this time.

Last night I was drafting a blog entry about baby names. I didn't finish it because I got too tired and had to go to bed, but I had lots of ideas and I was getting so excited about the fun of naming a new baby again. I was only looking at girls' names because I am so queasy and feel so strongly that it must be another girl. Now it looks like I am losing her. Again.

I will just have to wait it out. Going by last time, it should only be a couple of days before bleeding starts. I will use another FRER to confirm that my tests are heading for negative, but I don't know if I'll do that tomorrow. I'm not expecting to bleed tomorrow yet, but probably the next day at some point. Uggghhhh. I am just feeling deflated and fed up, not sad or grieving yet. It would be nice to think that maybe there's still hope that it's a random bad test or something, but in reality that's not likely to be the case. Last time I knew it when I saw my 18DPO test too. And looking at that photo, my 18DPO line today is actually even fainter than my 18DPO line last time. It's just not good news, I'm sure of it.

I will update again soon, when I have any news or thoughts to write.