4 weeks, 5 days pregnant

Just a quick update. I am still hanging in there. My temp dropped quite a bit this morning, but not below the coverline. I decided to test again when it came to it, just to see, and had another faint test line, a touch lighter than yesterday's, so I think it's pretty certain that this is an impending miscarriage.

That 19DPO line has darkened just a touch since I took the photo, now that it has dried out completely, and looks almost the same as the 18DPO one, but perhaps on the fainter side if anything. It's going slower than I thought. I thought it would be basically identical to my last miscarriage with the way the timing has been the same with the fainter tests, but I would have an almost invisible line tomorrow if that was the case, and I don't think it will be quite that faint yet going by today's. I only have one test left so I am not sure I want to use it tomorrow, if at all. 

All day long I have been sure I've been leaking something or bleeding, but every time I check or wipe, there's not even a trace of spotting. I have my usual pregnancy cm. Everything seems so normal and pregnant, it's almost unfair. I hate using the word unfair. I really have NO IDEA of the meaning of unfair, so I have comparatively no right to use it for my situation. More just... exasperating, or ironic, then. I know (and really, so does my body) that this is not a viable pregnancy and it's only a matter of hours or a couple of days from ending, but still the healthy pregnancy symptoms continue merrily on. I actually kind of love them being there, and then in the next moment feel irritated to heck that they're there. And then back again. 

I am really queasy today. All day since about an hour after I got up. Eating hasn't been any fun, and I only ate breakfast at 11.30am but that was more because I was so busy. We had a broken window replaced this morning, a huge grocery order delivered and needed putting away, and Matthew has developed a bad infection around a fingernail which required an emergency doctor appointment, and subsequent drama over vile tasting antibiotics. Plus the usual, maths and spelling, "Mummy! I'm ready for you to wipe me!", pooey nappies to change, bumps to kiss better, meals to make, pre-teens to try not to engage in arguments with about chores/brothers/school, tiny girls to breastfeed, questions to answer, and kids to discipline, etc. The thing that could consume my thoughts the most is the thing that must be shoved to the backburner out of sight and mind for a bit, just to keep the rest of the day going and functioning. I have at times wished I could just curl up in bed in the quiet and hide from parenting for the day. 

I have been so tired out today. Just exhausted and drowsy and breathless when I exert myself. I could have laid down and slept so many times. Sometimes I have felt suddenly crampy, or with low back pain, and I've immediately got that anxious clutchy feeling wondering if this is it. But it isn't yet. 

On my Facebook memories today, a photo popped up from a year ago today with this caption: "Lydia said, "I want you to paint me toe-naydles! I want pink! And sparkly on top!" She wanted Rosalie's toenaydles painted as well. Four years ago, almost to the day, I painted my toenails pink and sparkly in preparation for labour and the birth of my sixth son in a row. I just wanted some girlyness in my life, lol! Now here I am 4 years later with freshly painted pink sparkly toenails, and TWO pairs of little feet bearing the pink sparkliness as well! Still have to pinch myself. I'm so very blessed!"

I NEED to be focused more on the "I'm so very blessed!" part - I have two little girls when I didn't expect to have any! I want that to be my only focus. But there's another part of me, seeing that picture unexpectedly and it taking my breath away because there are two little pairs of girly feet that I have had the potential to carry this year, and which will never be, and today's photo is a sort of visual image of that. It does break my heart a little bit. 

As last time, my kitchen is stocked with snacky things and my fridge full of various still and carbonated beverages that might help my nauseous tummy, and those will still be there very shortly when they are no longer needed. I am still nauseous right now so I am trying to use up the carbonated apple juice while I type this. The fewer reminders the better, once I am bleeding.

I bought pads today, and put them in the basket on the bathroom shelf ready. It's so weird and surreal and not in a fun way. I am not depressed or moping about, and not overly focused on it all, just being ready and looking at it realistically. Detached, sort of. My mum asked today on the phone if I was just putting on a brave face, and if I'm *really* alright like I said I was. And I think I *am* alright today. I told her I won't be once I start bleeding, but that's okay. I can't get right into it yet, because I'm waiting and everything is on hold. Still pregnant. No signs of loss. If it wasn't for the tests, I would NEVER suspect that anything was wrong with the pregnancy or that I was about to miscarry. I prefer the unhappy heads-up to the sudden shock, so I'm glad for the tests at least.

I have a bizarrely strong craving since yesterday - STRONG, like a deep longing from the very core of my being - for physical affection, or that form of intimacy, I guess. It's like my skin actually aches when I think of it, such is my longing for it. I keep daydreaming today about when Neil's not at work, or the next chance we get alone, properly, where he's not too tired and having to go to bed, or something. About exactly how I would arrange us so that I am enveloped in his arms and curled up with as much of him around me as possible. Skin-to-skin, like when you bond with your newborn and it boosts your milk supply. It's the weirdest craving - I have never craved touch before! Usually it's diesel smell, lol! Or some food or toothpaste. I can't stop thinking about it. I think I'm just craving comfort. I don't know if we'll ever get the time while I'm needing it this much. I feel like if my daydream came true and he really did hold me that way - I wish I could find words to explain the feelings in my head that can't be described no matter how many times I type words out and then delete them because they're not quite right. I feel like just the sensation would make me start to cry and never be able to stop. An overriding reaction like the vomiting reflex (weird, but there it is!) that I can't control. But I would feel whole and that would be the comfort. Myself, but existing within someone else so that their strength is mine too, and my weakness doesn't cause me to collapse. Not just leaning on someone else, but merging with someone else so that I'm them and they are me. It makes me more than I am, and more able to stand. Ugh, I can't make my words express my feelings! :/ Oh well. That's the best I can do. It's a little more personal than I wanted to be even in my own blog, but I wanted to write it anyway. I hope it wasn't a bad idea.

Tomorrow is Wednesday, halfway through the week. 20DPO. The day I started spotting (early evening) last time when I miscarried two months ago. Which was a Tuesday evening, the same kind of mid-week feel. I will see if my temp drops further in the morning and then basically wait. If I had a bunch of tests I would use another, but I am not planning to at the moment with my last one.

I really want to update and bring closure to this pregnancy here, when it happens. I plan to, but I noticed that I said that last time and then I didn't! So I will make every effort to update again here. I am settling into feeling a bit more at home again this time, at my blog. It felt unsafe for a while there. I'm still not sure about it. But I feel a bit better about writing here again for now.