Here it is then - BE WARNED, it is record-breakingly long! It is a dissertation on the birth of my 4th baby, haha! I wrote it in Word and was shocked to see at the end that I wrote over 15,000 words!!!!!! It is entirely for me because I want every single detail recorded so that I don't forget it. Anyone is free to read it, if you like, but I warn you it's a long read in full detail! ;) I'm so glad to have it all recorded at last - such a relief! :) I will be back in a few days to update about my current pregnancy, as I'll be 18 weeks next Monday and haven't updated since 15 weeks (tsk!) - sorry! I'm well, and I *think* I am over morning sickness, except for the last couple of days, hmmm! Anyway, feeling generally better, still not feeling the baby move much at all yet, and wanting FRUIT and white bread and protein all the time to eat. I think I am starting to gain weight more rapidly, but I have not weighed myself yet this pregnancy! :S Okay, on with the birth story! Hope you make it through if it's your goal to do so, lol! ;)
Benjamin's Birth Story
Benjamin Isaac was born on Thursday 9th July 2009 at 7.30pm, at home! I was exactly one day past my due date.
I woke up as usual on the day that he was born, with Neil getting ready for work, ready to go and take over with the boys downstairs. There were absolutely no signs of anything happening at all, and I didn’t give it another thought as I got up. As I had the day before, I just felt very “neutral” in the womb department, and like there was nothing impending at all. I got up and went to the loo, and when I wiped I was surprised to find that I was losing quite a lot of mucus plug (not bloody though) - more than I had before, but not significantly more. I went downstairs and told Neil about it, but found his response very frustrating as he seemed to just brush off what I was saying. He didn’t want to stay at home, even though it would take him an hour to drive back home once he was at work, because he said he would rather go to work and make sure everything there was prepared (for handing over for paternity leave). This had been a theme over the couple of weeks leading up to Benjamin’s birth, where he felt under pressure at work to have things ready to hand over for the time he was away, and I felt like he wasn’t helping me with the things I was DESPERATE to make ready for me, the birth, and the children and the home, in time for Benjamin’s arrival. I felt like he was prioritising work over us (me), and it had been a source of stress and upset for me over the weeks, so although I was not having any signs of actual labour, I did know that a show was a good sign and that with it being my fourth baby, it could happen more quickly than we expected it to once it started! I did tell Neil this but he (exasperatingly!) seemed so unconcerned, and said that he just didn’t get the feeling that I would have the baby till the weekend anyway, and so he wanted to go to work. I asked what made him think that, and he said he didn’t know, but he just felt that’s what would happen. He was thinking the 12th or 13th. Those were deadlines he’d made for himself in terms of having work done, and he said he felt that I wouldn’t have the baby until after his deadline. Again I felt a bit... hurt or frustrated maybe, that everything was about work and not me (granted, hormones were not on my side at this stage of pregnancy!). Anyway, so there was some ongoing tension (especially for me) over the course of the morning, the day that Benjamin was born, to do with Neil’s work.
Right after finding the mucus plug when I got up that morning, and talking to Neil, I started to feel just generally crampy, both at the front and at the back. It was like a previous day, from a week or two before when I had had contractions all day and felt a lot of low back and front pain and pressure all day (separate to the contractions) – the low back and front pain and pressure was back. I still didn’t feel particularly pre-labourish, but I was increasingly bothered about Neil going to work, and the time of day meant that he should be leaving imminently to get to work on time. I really really did not want him to go! I felt very nervous (as I had been in general for some weeks/months) about the fact that he had a drive time of one hour to get home, and that I would be kind of stranded (his car was in the garage so he was taking our 7-seater to work) with three rather difficult small children if I went into labour! I was anxious about my waters breaking and finding that the waters were meconium-stained. If they were, I’d have to go RIGHT AWAY, and he would not be home for an hour! That’s no good! I was anxious about possibly already being 3-ish centimetres dilated and labour starting hard and fast and progressing quickly once it kicked in, with three little ones to look after and being unable to manage the contractions without him home. An hour in that situation would feel unbearable, and very anxious. So I just DID NOT want him to go to work! In my mind at the time, it felt like a very reasonable request (1 day past due date, 4th baby, mucus plug and subsequent crampiness, long drive to get hubby home, etc!), so it upset me that he wasn’t giving it much concern and was still preparing to leave for work. He sometimes worked from home, but he wasn’t even considering that, so I found it a bit upsetting. I had a midwife coming round at 9am to do my 40-week check anyway, and he felt that it would be fine for him to go to work and for me to just see what the midwives said. He kept saying that he didn’t “feel” I would be having a baby till the weekend. In the end I told him that it wasn’t about what HE felt about what my body was doing, it was about what *I* felt that day, as it was MY body, and I felt differently – I did not feel like things wouldn’t happen till the weekend at all. I didn’t have any sort of idea as to when they WOULD happen, but I definitely did not have Neil’s vibe. I didn’t feel we should be going with his vibe instead of mine!
I was rather fidgety for more “information” on how my body was doing, especially to have more evidence to show Neil before it came time for him to leave for work. Imagine my relief when I went back to the toilet shortly after to check again, and found a lot more mucus plug that the first time, and it was slightly pink-tinged too!! Hooray! A bloody show (an excellent sign of impending labour!)! Neil agreed to email work and let them know he would stay to see what the midwife said (and watch the boys while the midwife was doing her checks), but work from home in the meantime while he waited. So he set up his work laptop downstairs. In the 30-60 minutes before the midwife turned up, from that point, I had a shower and got dressed, and started some of the usual stuff with the boys while Neil worked on his laptop. And I phoned Heather (my doula) to tell her that I had lost some (slightly bloody!) mucus plug and that I was feeling a bit crampy, but no contractions yet. I didn’t particularly feel like labour was about to start, but I was excited about the signs! She said, “Neil home?” and I said yes, but that he wasn’t too keen on staying home which we were “discussing” at that time, so I wasn’t sure if he would stay home beyond the midwife appointment yet. She said to stay in close contact with her during the morning and to let her know when contractions started as soon as possible. She asked if I’d phoned the midwife yet, and I said no. I relayed this to Neil, and then waited for the midwife.
At 9am a midwife and her student turned up and I lay on the sofa in the living room for them to feel my tummy. The boys were all around and about, but distracted with other things mostly. Neil was at his work laptop behind the arm of the sofa (best “out of the way” place for his cable to stretch to!), but was watching the boys too. I told the midwife about the mucus plug and the discomfort, and she said she would not be at all surprised if it was going to happen today! Eek! :) Everything was fine at my check, b/p, urine etc, but unfortunately Benjamin was completely posterior and STILL 4/5 palpable!!! They said not to be concerned about that, because with it being my 4th baby, as soon as contractions start he will probably rotate and engage pretty fast. They did suggest I spend plenty of time on all fours or leaning forward though, and I tried to do that starting as soon as they left.
I saw Neil hovering in the background as the midwife cheerfully told me she expected they’d see me later on today, when she was packing her things up. She reminded me that I needed to make sure to call immediately that contractions started, because she thought it could go very fast once it started. I was so relieved to hear that, and to be aware that Neil was also in the background hearing it too. I know a lot of my account of Benjamin’s arrival so far has focused on Neil’s reaction and his work that morning, but I include it in such detail because it really was a big issue for me, and I found it affected everything for me that morning until it was resolved, to my great relief! He pretty much switched off his laptop and started looking after the boys instead, as soon as the midwife left! ;)
All morning I continued to go to the loo and wipe, just to check on things! I used half a loo roll, haha! Every time there was more of the mucus plug coming away. It was no longer blood-tinged, just yellowy goop, and lots of it.
At around 11am, I lost a bigger amount of mucus plug. I was a bit concerned that it wasn't just mucus plug because it was very wet. I had to put on a proper pad instead of just a panty liner because it wet through the panty liner I was wearing plus my clothes at one point! I phoned Heather (who was on stand-by – how exciting! - by this point!) straight away to ask what she thought about the wetness, and she suggested I should call the midwife, so I did. The midwife (Mandi - a different one to the one who had visited me earlier) asked me some questions about it, and said just to monitor it and if I became concerned they would come by and check the pad for me.
Around 12 noon or maybe 12.30pm, I began to wonder if I might be starting to have contractions. I was not sure because they didn't hurt (but then I was praying for a pain-free labour so I didn’t know what to expect!) and I often noticed them when I was walking so it was hard to tell, but my whole bump would go super solid and tight, the PRESSURE was the main thing - almost unbearable. I constantly felt like I needed to poo, and it was ever so uncomfortable, so I guessed that it was baby-related. I tried quite a few times to actually go, and nothing happened. But I was a little nervous to really give it a good try because I didn't want my potentially bulging waters to break before they were ready!
One of those times that I went to the loo to try a BM (I guess somewhere around 12 noon), I had some more mucus plug and then wiped again and found light pink bleeding! Woohoo! In the next 20 minutes, I had some more light pink/light red spotting on my pad. While I was updating my blog online around noon, I had several more very uncomfortable pressurey tightenings. These ones were starting to hurt a little in my lower back and under my bump.
Benjamin hadn’t been too active in the couple of days leading up to his birthday, and when I went to bed the night before he was born, I laid my hands on my tummy and said, "Lord, I'm a bit anxious about Benjamin's lack of movement..." and INSTANTLY - I mean, I had hardly finished forming the word "movement" - he started writhing about more vigorously than he had for most of the last week! I was so grateful to God! He carried on like that for a few minutes, and I was so reassured, so I went to sleep after that. So, that morning he was still pretty wiggly, which was reassuring, but I knew it would get very uncomfortable when combined with contractions, so I started to hope that he’d have a nice nap at the most intense part of labour later on, if it really was going to happen that day!
After Neil officially stopped working (having contacted work to tell them it looked like things were happening), and took over completely with the boys, I was able to go upstairs and update my blog as I felt the desire to (only twice in total, in the end), bounce on my birth ball leaning forwards onto the bed (to try to help Benjamin rotate into a better position), and do the toilet paper check as often as I had the urge to, hehe! Which was really nice. The relief was a good feeling, to feel “off the hook” at last and able to prepare myself and relax knowing that labour was coming soon. It was also nice to get into my own space away from a lot of noisy play, and endless talking/questions, and discipline-needs, and so on, that are a norm in our house every day at the moment with the boys! I could hear it going on downstairs, but I was able to tune it out to some degree when I needed to.
I continued to have “tightenings” as the midwives called them! I was uncomfortable calling them contractions, because they just didn’t seem like the real deal to me, yet. They didn't hurt as such, just felt very intense and gave me a lot of very uncomfortable pressure in my groin. They gave me a little low back ache and low front ache too, but they only lasted a very short while (30 seconds at best maybe). They were mostly painless up till around 1pm. So I really didn't feel like I could call them contractions. It all felt very surreal and I felt a bit in denial that anything would really come of it (weirdly, now that I look back on it!). Around 1pm I had a contraction that hurt like bad constipation, very low and behind, and also low at the front of my bump – very tight and solid. But still a short contraction, and not as I remembered painful contractions to be from previous labours.
I was unsure as to whether I should call anyone yet, or not. I still felt like I needed to poo (and kept going to try), and also felt slightly queasy and light-headed, and suddenly very tired. I decided to set up Contraction Master online to time the tightenings for a bit, to see if there was any sort of pattern, and to try to nap a bit while the boys ate lunch downstairs (opportunity for a little bit of quiet in the house!). I felt quite excited, but tired at that point, so I rested a bit. At that point I did feel confident that labour was starting, but contradicted myself constantly being unsure whether the contractions were just Braxton Hicks or not.
So, shortly after 1pm I set up Contraction Master online, because I knew if I called anyone they'd want to know how far apart they were and how long they were lasting. Straight away they were 4 minutes apart - I was surprised they were so regular! They lasted between 30 and 40 seconds, but by the time I'd had 3 or 4 on the timer, they were starting to hurt. At first they just were hurting like an addition to the pressure in my groin, so that it started to feel like a sharp pain up there too. They started to become a bit more “familiar” and although I still had that weird surreal feeling like it couldn’t possibly be true that things were actually happening, I was sure these were proper contractions. They weren’t hard to manage, but I was starting to find it easier if I relaxed and breathed evenly at the peaks of them. I went to the loo once or twice (just for checking purposes!) after starting to time the contractions, and found that if I was up and about (as opposed to lying or sitting), my contractions were consistently TWO minutes apart!!! Or four, if I was sitting down. Still two if the place where I was sitting was the toilet, though! ;)
I phoned Heather again at 1.30pm to say that I was having contractions. She asked me how often they were coming and I said (still feeling casually in denial!) that they were coming about every 4 minutes, or every 2 minutes if I walk about! She sounded soooo laid-back, and asked in an almost casual manner, “Shall I come?” I felt like I was being daft at that point, and didn’t want to call her over for The Real Deal if it wasn’t anything at all! I hesitated a moment to decide what to say to her. In the end I thought of the fact that I WAS having painful contractions and I guess they were coming quite frequently, hehe! It seems so crazy as to be funny now that I’m recalling it with better perspective! You know, fourth baby and all!! ;) I answered Heather’s question, “Well, yes, I guess so...” (I know the detailed quotes because marvellous Heather took notes of every phone conversation and all through labour and afterwards!! Yayness! I have those notes next to me as I write this birth story! I remember things Heather said myself, but I wouldn’t remember my responses without her notes!). Heather told me days later that when I told her I was contracting every 4 minutes and every 2 minutes if I was walking about, she thought, “AAAAHHHH!!!!” and then asked as calmly as she could, “Shall I come?”, hehe! After I said yes, she told me (on the phone) that she was ready to come over, bag packed and everything, but that she just wanted to pack her lunch and then she’d head straight over. I said okay, that was fine. When she later talked to me about that conversation, she described a sort of frenzy where she didn’t know if she would have time to get lunch together and over to me before things really kicked off, given my history of things moving fast once they got going! ;) She seemed so very easy-going and laid-back about everything to me on the day, so it was kind of funny to hear how she really felt inside at the time! She arrived so very calmly at our house as well, saying hi to the boys and strolling into the bedroom with such an air of calm confidence and reassurance, as though her feathers were never ruffled! ;) She was WONDERFUL . What an inadequate word, even. Wonderful.
Anyway, so at 1.45pm I was waiting for Heather and still losing my mucus plug every time I checked. I was also having some very light bleeding, totally aside from the show, by itself. It was just pink, not red, and only a little on the pad or occasionally when I wiped. I phoned the midwife and she came straight over (Carol, the one who had done my check earlier, with her student, Sue), checking in with me cheerfully and reminding me that she TOLD ME she would be seeing me later! I wished Heather had arrived before they had, but I knew she was on her way. She lives locally but doesn’t drive, so she was on foot. It wouldn’t take her more than 20 minutes or so, if that. Neil was downstairs with the boys at all times, because they needed constant supervision. He popped up once around this time, I think just to say the midwives had arrived and to usher them into the (embarrassingly cluttered and unprepared!) bedroom, so I saw him then for a moment. He gave me a quick little nervous smile and asked, “You okay?” I nodded and smiled, and he went back downstairs to the boys. I sat on the bed and Carol and Sue asked me questions, took my observations (pulse, temp, b/p, doppler for Benjamin, etc. – all fine and normal), and then suggested an internal examination to see how far along I was. I refused, and told them that my birth plan stated that I did not want any internal examinations at all. Heather was bringing it with her, because our printer wasn’t working, so I emailed it to her and she printed it out. I told the midwife that Heather was on her way over with the birth plan, and she seemed happy enough about that. She did give a LITTLE push to do an internal examination, saying that it helps to know how far things have progressed so far, but I stood my ground and said no. She let it go without any problems after that.
They timed a couple of my contractions (typically erratic once the midwife had arrived, as is usually the case with me!) and felt the strength of them by placing a hand on my bump, and declared them pre-labour tightenings, because they were so very short (still only 30 seconds or so), and not that strong yet. They were coming frequently though, every 5 minutes or even closer.
Heather arrived at about 2pm. I was so glad to see her! :) She strolled into the bedroom with such a calm and confident air, and said hello to everyone, and immediately began setting out “things” on the windowsill! I was intrigued! It turned out to be facecloths. She bought me two (to keep! I know we were paying her hundreds of pounds, but still, I kept thinking surely those facecloths weren’t really for me to KEEP?! Hahaha!), one bright green and the other a lovely lavender colour. The lavender one was in a box in a solution of water with lavender essential oil, and the green one was just plain.
Heather’s notes when she arrived describe me as quite upbeat and “with it”, and state that I was chatting to the midwife and her student when she walked in. I told Heather that I had already declined an internal examination, feeling quite proud of myself! :) The next thing that happened was a discussion about the clutter in the bedroom. It was still SO untidy and cluttered with boxes and so on, and I knew it would all have to go somehow. I really felt bad that we STILL hadn’t managed to get that ready beforehand, but tried not to focus on that feeling, because it was attached to the stuff from the morning about Neil giving work preparations the priority over helping to get the house ready for a homebirth and new baby, and that still managed to stress me out if I thought about it at all.
I asked them all which area they thought should be cleared as first priority and they looked about and said the area in front of the double chest of drawers. They wanted to use the surface of it (also heavily cluttered) to put the equipment on for if Benjamin needed resuscitating. Around this time I was still just sitting on my birth ball which was on the floor at the end of my bed, and leaning on the bedpost on the corner of the bed to breathe a contraction through every time one came. It was not hard to cope with the contractions at all at this point. They were painful and needed me to breathe through them, but not with intensity, and they were nice and short (still 30-40 seconds long, that’s all) so very manageable. Neil came upstairs to bring something or other, and just after he walked in the room I started another contraction, and stopped bouncing to close my eyes and lean on the bed until it passed. Sue, the student midwife was a bit jumpy with her watch, and seemed to be watching me constantly, grabbing her watch the instant I so much as touched my bump or closed my eyes! I should have found it more irritating than I did, probably, but in actual fact, the novelty/surreal factor was still in play, as I couldn’t really believe that I was actually in labour – and so excited about the possibility that I really MIGHT be! I was therefore secretly rather pleased with the “serious” attention over contractions, hehe! It was a bit annoying one time when I sighed (contentedly) and put my hand casually on my bump, and Sue grabbed her watch rather dramatically and eyed me like a human bomb!
Anyway, so Neil had come in, and I had another short contraction while he was in the room. When I opened my eyes he was preparing to leave the room, and I was quite surprised by his round eyes and serious expression as he looked at me. He had done a double take as he glanced at me, because he told me that he hadn’t realise things had progressed “that far” – I guess he is well experienced now with my facial expressions as I focus on contractions, which I suppose must vary depending on what stage in my labour I’m at. He glanced at me on the way out of the room, saw me dealing with a contraction, and later told me he was really caught off guard by the “stage” he recognised me reaching. It was still easy-going labour and early on as far as I was concerned, but he had no idea it had even progressed to real labour yet. I guess he wasn’t really part of the labour process at all this time because he was responsible for alllll the childcare, and that’s why we hired a doula. So Neil was not present for any of the labour, except to pop in and out to get/fetch/do things. He wasn’t a support partner in any way – Heather was there for that, and I was fine with it – that was the plan for this birth. Neil was happy with that too. We had all discussed it during my pregnancy.
Heather noted around this time that there was rather too much of the midwives standing around and staring at me, especially Sue with the watch-grabbing thing she did! I felt calm and quiet and happy, and wanted to just go with the flow and labour in my bedroom. I STILL did not feel convinced that I was actually in labour, or that it would continue without fading out or something. In hindsight it was totally obvious that I WAS in labour, but for some reason I was in denial!
Around 2.30pm Heather went downstairs to sit with Arthur and Matthew and eat her packed lunch (Neil had set the boys up watching Monsters Inc, and Heather watched that with them for a while), while Neil tried to put Nathan to bed for a nap in the other bedroom. The routine for Nathan was always me putting him to bed and singing him several specific lullabies to settle him off. I was a bit worried that he wouldn’t settle with all the hubbub and strangeness in the house, along with the lack of MUMMY to keep things sane and normal for him (and his lullabies! I felt sad not to sing him his lullabies!). Neil left Nathan to settle (which seemed to be going okay, despite the lack of lullabies!) and came into the bedroom to begin shifting and clearing the clutter so that the midwives could set up.
Heather’s notes say that at 2.40pm, Mandi, the midwife arrived. She popped her head around my door to say hi, and then went back downstairs (leaving me with Carol and Sue) to bring in equipment and test it. I wish I had been a fly on the wall downstairs! Heather’s notes say that Mandi tested all the oxygen and suction equipment in the living room, and that the boys were very interested! :)
Neil was rushing about clearing the room still at this stage. I think I had moved to the bed so that I wasn’t in the way of the clearing and bustling. I was still dealing fine with the contractions, but was beginning to feel like I could do without all the busyness around me. I felt a bit tired and like I wanted to rest and have some peace and quiet. I wanted Heather and nobody else around me really. Just some quiet to focus and really start to tune into what was actually happening with my body. There was a LOT of clutter to clear though. Earlier on when Neil was in the room to start clearing stuff, just before Heather went downstairs for lunch and to sit with the boys, we were discussing how long it would take to clear the bedroom. Neil said it would take about an hour, and I (feeling comfortable and in high spirits, hehe!) said, “Well, I think I’ll be giving birth in about 45 minutes...” ;) Poor Neil! His face fell and he looked rather panicked for a moment before he realised I was joking! Heather’s notes say that after this he said, “I need absolutes in timing here!” haha! Like that’s possible at a birth! ;)
So Neil was clearing, Mandi was testing stuff downstairs, and Heather and the boys were watching her. Carol and Sue were watching ME. Nathan began to cry after about 10 or 15 minutes, poor sausage. The frantic clearing went on regardless, but he cried and cried. We left him for a while, hoping that he would settle down as he really was so tired, but he didn’t. Meanwhile Mandi couldn’t get the entonox tube unscrewed and came upstairs (about 3pm) to see if Carol could do it. I remember her popping into the room with concern about the entonox not working or something, and I just kept flapping my hand at the piece of apparatus she was holding and telling her I wouldn’t want it anyway so not to worry! After I had told her a few times, she left with a smile and said she would be back later. I was not in the LEAST bit bothered about there being no gas and air. I knew I would not want it or need it.
At 3.10pm, Heather came back upstairs (hooray! I really did want her around as much as possible!) asking if she could help Neil because Nathan was still crying. Neil got Nathan up again and took him downstairs, giving up on the nap. He would be exhausted, but never mind. There was no point trying harder with everything going on at that late stage in the afternoon, and he seemed happy to be up again. We knew he’d be tired and possibly very cranky in the hour or so before bed, but hoped that he’d go to sleep easily at bedtime! At that time I expected to labour well into the evening after the boys had gone to bed, so it did seem quite encouraging to think that at least one of them would be tired out and probably fall asleep quickly at a fairly early bedtime.
Right after this, the room was cleared and ready! Much of the stuff had been put in the car, and other stuff dumped in the boys’ bedroom for now. NOT something I was happy thinking about, so I didn’t dwell on it for long. At least it was out of sight and out of the way for the rest of my labour and birth, and my much anticipated babymoooon! :)
At 3.10, Heather’s notes say that it was all bustle and hurry up in the bedroom, and that when she came up I was looking flushed and a bit more dazed. I was still sitting on my bed. She felt that we needed to stop some of the busyness, and gave me the lavender flannel. I found the smell a bit overpowering, but I liked the fragrance so I kept it close to me for a few minutes. I gave it back to Heather after that because it was too strong for me. Heather sat on the bed with me while the midwives set up their stuff in a very hurried and busy way on and around the double chest of drawers that was now clear. I told her that the bustle was getting too much and I needed to be left alone now. She whispered to me that I might need to tell the midwives to go downstairs after they had finished setting up, as they would take it better from me. I felt a bit shy of doing so for some reason, and didn’t say anything to them at first. I did feel very hot and flushed, and with it a sort of tired/dazed feeling like Heather described my appearance. It’s exactly how I felt! I just felt a bit spaced out, and the busyness around me was making me feel tired and glazed over, and hot and bothered. I felt like I had had an adrenaline rush a while ago and now that it was wearing off I was feeling flushed and increasingly exhausted and sleepy. I was still coping fine with the contractions, which were still pretty short, but regular.
The midwife occasionally came over to check my obs and Benjamin’s heartrate with the doppler, and they seemed to really have a hard time finding it every time. It annoyed me a bit actually! It just seemed a big faff to have them interrupting my physical position and conversation or whatever I was trying to do, and then roam around my enormous bump for ages with a doppler, not finding a heartbeat! I kept snappily thinking to myself that they were looking in the wrong place or else just not taking my upright position into account or something! I really wanted to be LEFT ALONE with Heather by this point! Anyway, they DID find it each time, it just took a while. His heartbeat was still quite high up, so he hadn’t really engaged yet still.
At 3.40pm I went for a wee, and while I was in the toilet, Heather mentioned to the midwives that I would like a bit of space (so grateful!), and when I came out they were busily (everything they did seemed so bustley and busy!) leaving the bedroom to head downstairs for a while. Oh the sweet relief when Heather closed the door and turned around to face me, and it was just me and her and QUIET peacefulness. She crossed the room to my bed and picked up the Bible, and for a second I thought I might cry with relief. Heather’s presence was just so reassuring and comforting at all times – it was actually tangible at times, even in the quiet, and I can’t describe the relief it gave me nor the feelings of thankfulness. I was never so grateful for a companion like Heather during one of my labours! I wondered how I had ever done one without her! It was nothing like having Neil with me. And I love Neil, and had previously recoiled at the idea of being without him for any part of any of my labours, but this was SO much better. He was better served (and probably somewhat relieved!) doing what he did really well with the boys downstairs, so that I didn’t have to worry about them at all. And Heather was.... well, of course I mean NO offense whatsoever to Neil, and I know he doesn’t take it this way.... so much better than Neil as a labour partner. Because she just KNEW. She knew labour, and she knew birth, and she knew women (being one already), and she knew God – Neil does too, but not in such an active way as Heather – and she was a companion, and experienced labour partner, and prayer partner all rolled into one. Perfect. I would also say that there was a bit of a motherly aspect to her care for me, which I think I needed. My own mother was present at my first two births, and I really wanted to have her present at ALL my births, but she couldn’t be here in time for Nathan’s when my waters broke early, and then it turned out that she thought it would be better if she came over a couple of weeks after Benjamin’s birth because she’d be more useful then. There was a time I didn’t know what to do without my mummy to hold my hand while I was in labour! But again, Heather was so much better. She was all the female companionship I needed at the time, and yet was confident and sure about labour and birth, and my mum isn’t. So again, all round the absolute perfect labour partner for me! :)
So Heather sat on the bed with me without a sound in the room (such blissful silence after all that bustle!) and she prayed with me and asked the Holy Spirit to come (another emotional moment for me!). Then she opened the Bible and began to read Psalm 121 out loud. Her notes say that I was lying on my bed on my left side, flushed face, very calm. I just listened as she read, watching her holding the Bible, and felt utterly at peace. She talked to me about it being a 3-legged race, me and Benjamin doing it together. We chatted quietly for a while, here and there, about God’s part in it and things like that, and the midwives came back in after about 15 minutes (around 4pm) to do the obs and listen to Benjamin. Heather’s notes say that they tried to be chatty with her but she wouldn’t play, hehe! And that they looked like they were settling to stay, but I said, “I think I’ll try to sleep” and they took the hint and went back downstairs. I don’t remember saying it to get them to go away, but I really did want to try napping – I felt so tired and sleepy suddenly!
I lay on the bed on my left side (just seemed comfy and restful, plus I was turned towards the door and to Heather instead of the far wall if I lay on my left side, which I wanted to do) and closed my eyes and tried to doze. If a contraction came I breathed through it and focused myself until it passed, but they were still not really a minute long yet, and manageable. They seemed stronger than before, but subtley, like they were very very gradually getting stronger and I couldn’t really say there was a time where they’d changed gear or anything. I didn’t change my position if a contraction came. I just tried to stay as rested as possible because I felt tired out and drowsy.
After about 20 or 30 minutes (4.30pm according to Heather’s notes) the contractions were really starting to feel more intense, and I was beginning to get a panicky feeling at the peak, like the pain at that point in the contraction was threatening to overwhelm me, and it made me feel a bit panicky, which I didn’t like at all. I liked the calm feeling I had had up to that point, and it made me feel anxious to have panic challenging it! I told Heather about the way I was feeling and about the contractions, and she suggested I read out my prayers about fear. In the weeks before, Heather had printed out and laminated some prayers for me to put up in my bedroom and pray every night/morning, to help me. She had also written out parts of Psalm 91 and Psalm 143 (I think!) to read out and “claim” over Benjamin’s health, with the Group B Strep I was carrying, and the fact that I was choosing a homebirth with no antibiotics despite that. I knew the risk to him was tiny, but praying over him and reading those Psalms, those promises of God over him, really helped keep me confident and calm about it. I also had a laminated prayer list for specific things we’d been praying about for the labour and birth over the weeks beforehand, and that was on my wall too. I had one laminated prayer sheet stuck on the side of my chest of drawers, the side of which was against the pillow end of my bed (so, RIGHT next to my head), and that one was a prayer against fear. I need that prayer for so many things in my life – not just in pregnancy and labour – that it’s the only one I have kept up and still pray it from time to time to this day! :)
Anyway, so I read that prayer out loud, and felt so much better for it. Heather then prayed with me against fear, which was so helpful. Then I remembered that at the back of my Bible I once wrote out every scripture I could find to help me with fear. That’s a LOT of scriptures! I opened my Bible and began to read out the especially helpful ones, and felt very calm and reassured while I did so. Heather sat with me and just listened. One of the last passages I had written in the back of my Bible on fear was from Isaiah 41, and it just stuck with me. For some reason it really felt like it came alive to me on the pages. I felt mesmerised by the words, and wanted to read it over and over. After a while I propped the Bible open to that page next to my pillow (against the side of my chest of drawers) and lay down on my left side again so I could rest better and still see the verse any time I wanted to. These are the words of those verses, written as one block in the back of my Bible – the words in the middle and towards the end of the passage were the greatest help to me:
Isaiah 41: 8-10; 13-14
““But you, O Israel, my servant, Jacob, whom I have chosen, you descendents of Abraham my friend, I took you from the ends of the earth, from its farthest corners I called you. I said, ‘You are my servant’; I have chosen you and have not rejected you. So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand...... For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. Do not be afraid, O worm Jacob, O little Israel, for I myself will help you,” declares the Lord, your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel.”
Right after this, we heard Arthur come upstairs to go to the toilet. The boys were all playing in the garden by this time, and were being quite noisy out there but it wasn’t bothersome at all. My bedroom looks down on the back garden so it was loud and clear, but just a nice comforting sound at the same time. It didn’t intrude on what I was dealing with, and in the back of my mind it was lovely and reassuring to hear evidence of my boys having a pretty normal day in their own home, with Daddy around to look after them as normal, while Mummy had a baby upstairs! Wonderful, and just how I wanted it for them! :) Anyway, Arthur came upstairs, and Heather and I heard him say, presumably to Neil, “Do you think baby Benjamin is going to come RIGHT NOW?!” with such excitement in his tone! So sweet! Heather and I smiled at each other, and Heather said she thought I might probably wait until the boys were in bed before actually giving birth. I agreed with her, though I guess I hadn’t really thought about it. I sort of presumed it was too soon to be getting to the second stage in the short time left before their bedtime, so I thought she was probably right. Heather thought my body would know that it would be better able to focus on birthing once the boys were in bed.
Carol came in to listen to Benjamin’s heartbeat, and I told her that I had felt a lot more pressure with the last two contractions. They were starting to feel “strong” down in my groin, as though the strength of the contraction was really starting to put great pressure on my pelvic floor (a new sensation for me thus far). Contractions were still manageable but I was really having to focus and concentrate very hard to breathe through them and stay calm and relaxed. I was finding that it was surprisingly helpful to read my handwritten Bible verse from the back of my Bible during a contraction, instead of closing my eyes. It turned out to be exactly the right length for me, because it was only a shortish passage, but if I read it starting at the beginning (the bit that helped me the most was in the middle) then my contraction would be finished before I got to the end, so long as I read it fairly steadily and slowly. I tried to focus on each individual word as I read it. As my contractions became harder and harder to bear, I noticed that I was starting to “eye-punch” (!!) each word to get through the contraction. I would try to focus on my eyes “punching” onto each word as they saw it, in steady solid rhythm. After a while that was the only way I could get through a contraction. I guess to the outside world I was quiet and focused and dealing well with the contractions, but to me I was just about hanging in there, feeling rather overwhelmed with the pain at the peak and so thankful for this spontaneous technique that was serving to keep me focused at the moment! I liked that it kept me focused on God, and on His Word too, while I laboured.
When Carol used the doppler to check on Benjamin, she found his heart significantly lower in my pelvis than before. Heather’s notes at this point say, “Hmmm... maybe he won’t be waiting till bedtime then?” :) This was some point just before 5pm I think. At 5.10pm Mandi arrived back, because Carol was finishing early that day to go to her daughter’s school play. I admit that I was happy when Sue went with her, and just Mandi stayed! Heather was too! :) I knew Mandi quite well from my antenatal appointments, and Carol was very nice but I hadn’t met her before that day. Also I remembered Mandi from other pregnancies! She came to do my first home visit after Matthew was born at home, so that was a way back! She seemed quite a young and new midwife at the time (though she might not have been all that new to it), but this time she seemed very different to me. She had an air of real experience and sensitivity, and there was no hurry or schedule to keep up with for her. She was calm, quietly spoken and totally non-intrusive. She was SO lovely to have around when she was in the room, and it was then that I really noticed the contrast from when it had been Carol and Sue. Mandi was also about halfway through her own (first) pregnancy at the time.
I was happy to hear that the second midwife would be Kerry, because Kerry was the midwife I had met for the first time during my pregnancy with Benjamin who I KNEW from school! She was in my brother’s class at primary school, and I remember going to barbeques at her house – our parents were friends. How funny to have her for a midwife! She was lovely, and I was glad it was her because of the connection. She remembers my brother well.
Anyway, when Mandi arrived my contractions were still “manageable” as I mentioned above, and Heather noted they were coming about 3-4 contractions in every 10 minutes, so about 2-3 minutes apart. They were still short. I am to this day SO grateful to God for those unusually short contractions. The peaks were so painful that I don’t know how I would have coped with them had they lasted longer! Carol had been hesistant to consider me in proper labour for quite some time purely because of the short length of my contractions! It turned out that the majority of my labour was just short contractions. When I got to transition – ohhhh then they got longer! But for now they were short, and they started to feel different. I described it to Heather as a sort of “fanning out down below” feeling. I just couldn’t find words to describe it properly. The recent change had been that the strength of the contraction was making a ton of pressure on my pelvic floor. And now a new sensation was added on top of that – like a flower fanning open, but more like being pushed open with the strength of the contraction. I thought that seemed like the kind of sensation that might come from a head descending, but was also sure I was not in or near the 2nd stage yet, so it couldn’t be that. That’s why it confused me a little. Weirdly (and hilariously, now I look back!) I STILL kept wondering if I was making it all up and that I wasn’t really in labour after all, haha! So silly! But it was such a REAL feeling, and I really didn’t feel convinced about the fact at the time.
At 5.30pm Mandi came upstairs to do a set of obs (blood pressure, pulse, etc) on me, and to feel my tummy and listen to Benjamin. She said that his head was now only 2/5 palpable above my pubic bone! So nicely engaged at last! :) That was so nice to hear, that the contractions had been effective in bringing him down. I knew they had, but it was so nice to hear it too! At that stage I still thought Benjamin would not be born till much later in the evening. Mandi told us that a midwife called Wendy would be on duty that night, and I had met her before and knew she was lovely, and Heather sounded very happy to hear it, so I was encouraged! The boys were being noisy downstairs, but it didn’t bother me at all, or if it did, I can’t recall anything negative about their sounds throughout my labour at all. I do remember that they had their tea not long afterwards and it was nice when they were quieter! ;) But I don’t think it really bothered me that much to hear their usual noise. I was in my zone in the bedroom and they were kept very much separate, so I was happy to hear them in their zone while I was in mine. I didn’t mind if they wanted to come in to see me, but they were pretty busy and happy doing their usual thing with Neil and playing in the garden, so that was good. They seemed happy and didn’t seem to have any problems at all with all that was going on upstairs! I was glad of that.
Mandi read my birth plan and was very happy with it. She was really lovely, and did a lot of waiting downstairs. She didn’t need any convincing, she was very happy to, and there was never any bustle as she entered the room. She just slipped in and out from time to time to check on Benjamin’s heartbeat and do some obs on me. In between contractions I rested quietly, staying on my left side as I had done for quite a while. I had never laboured in that position before, but it suited me really well this time. I think mostly because it was a position I wanted to be in so that I could rest and still see Heather and my Bible, and it turned out to be comfortable enough to stay there for a good while. I had no urge to be upright. It just seemed like it would be more painful and more tiring, so I stayed lying down and resting. Everything was nice and calm and quiet in the room. Heather didn’t make any sounds really, unless I talked to her, which I wasn’t doing much at all. I do remember at one point she was offering me a sip of water through a straw or putting the green facecloth (cool water!) on my face or something like that, and she said to me, “You look beautiful!” Now, you just can’t say that to me without a huge silly smile breaking out all over my face, even in the midst of labour! ;) I think I countered it in some way, but she said, “All women look beautiful when they’re in labour” and that was that. I closed my eyes again, but oh I smiled about it for quite some time afterwards – inwardly after I’d squashed the actual smile, because I felt silly STILL smiling after all that time! Maybe it was the timing of such a compliment, but it was just music to my ears, and it gave me a warmth inside for a long time :) Heather put in her notes at around this time that I was very calm and serene-looking. I’m so glad I have her notes! I’d probably have forgotten about the calm bits and remembered more of the panicky peaks of the contractions otherwise! But the fact is, they went hand in hand. Contractions peaked and I worked hard to stay calm and focused, and bear the pain, and then between contractions was the calm serene feeling, and everything was still and quiet and peaceful and wonderful.
Around 6pm I started to feel more panicky than I had been feeling, because the sensations were changing for me a little. I told Heather that the pain had changed – whereas before all the pain had been low on my bump and in my back, and sort of in my cervical area, now I was having pain even lower down inside and it was very intense and did not really go away between contractions. That plus the intensity of the contractions (they were getting longer and closer together at this point) felt overwhelming and I started to feel panicky. Heather’s notes say that I was quite anxious so we prayed again against the fear, and read more passages from the Bible. We heard Arthur say, “I want to go and see what Mummy and Heather are doing.” Neil brought Arthur and Matthew in for a minute. They looked so excited and full of anticipation – their sweet little faces brought me such joy! They did look a bit disappointed when they saw that nothing much was happening! ;) Arthur asked, “What are you doing?” and I replied, “Just waiting for the baby to come.” They went back downstairs after that, and I was relieved that I was not having a contraction during the short time they were in the room! Between contractions I was fairly relaxed (except for this anxiety I had been having!) and reclining on the bed, mostly on my left side.
Pretty much with the next contraction or two after they left the room, I felt anxious again with yet another new sensation which I was very familiar with from my other labours. The intensity of the contraction was increasing to the point where it felt like the contraction was reaching right up my throat. In my past labours I have always felt panicky with that sensation, because it almost felt like I wanted to gag with the feeling. It really does reach UP my throat with the sort of numbed out pressure of the intensity of the contracting muscle. I SO don’t like that feeling, and I said to Heather (as her notes recall!), “I don’t like these contractions. I’ve got that feeling going up my throat.” I guessed she would know what I meant because I had written about that feeling in my other birth stories and Heather had read them thoroughly. For me, that sensation does usually mean I am getting very close to transition (maybe it’s even PART of transition? I don’t know). I still had not had any internal examinations to see how dilated I was (and never did! Hooray!), so I couldn’t be sure. But at 6.20, Mandi came up to do my blood pressure and listen with the doppler, etc, and Heather asked her if she could take a look without doing an internal examination. I remember feeling a bit out of it at this point, and I was still lying on my left side with my knees drawn up a little. After Heather’s suggestion, Mandi started looking behind me at the top of my buttocks, and I had no idea what for! ;) I heard her saying she could see a little bit of purple line, and Heather was nodding knowingly – I had no idea what they were on about! I asked what that meant, and Heather told me that a purple line in a certain place around there was an indication of being fully dilated. The fact that there WAS some purple line was both exciting and terrifying! The scary part (from my previous experiences) was yet to come, and I felt anxious about it suddenly.
Heather suggested that Mandi open the birth pack now, in view of my previous labours being fast from full dilation. We had been praying for a slower and more controlled second stage of labour, but I did sort of expect that it would be fast like the previous two times all the same. Mandi called the second midwife (Kerry) and told her to come (exciting and scary again, hearing the phone call!).
Arthur came in briefly after this – Neil appeared in the doorway with him in his arms. He looked so much littler than he always does to me. His excitement and nervous anticipation was obvious! His eyes were wide and he was smiling non-stop, but Neil said he was all shaky with excitement, bless his sweet little heart! Again, I was so happy to see him – his sweet excited face brought me joy! And also glad to only have a SHORT visit! ;) I did not want little-boy company when I was contracting, and thankfully I was not while he was in the room briefly. Heather (and I? I can’t remember if I was participating in conversation or not at this point!) talked with him for a moment about how Mummies sometimes make a noise, and he said, “I don’t want to hear the noise so that’s why I was hoping it would happen upstairs when I was downstairs.” :)
Arthur and Neil went back downstairs. I think Neil was beginning to get things together to get the boys ready for bed, as it was now 6.30pm and that’s usually when we’re getting them ready for bed. They usually would go to bed between 7 and 8pm, but things were happening with my labour and the boys were very tired, so it seemed a good plan to try to get them into bed as soon as possible now that they’d had their dinner.
Around this same time (6.30ish) I began to shake, at first just a little, and then pretty soon I was shaking violently. I just couldn’t stop it! My teeth were chattering and I was just trembling all over. I had trouble talking even, because my voice was shaking too. I was still lying on my left side on my bed, trying to rest between contractions. The contractions were lasting MUCH longer (according to Heather’s notes, and I can’t remember exactly because everything blurred a bit around this point). The notes also say that I was very controlled and breathing well. This I don’t remember either! But I do remember that I was both excited and anxious about the shaking. I KNEW it meant transition had arrived (I’d made it to transition – woohoo, nearly there!!), but even though I totally knew it, I still felt the need to ask Mandi why I was shaking so much. I guess I just needed to hear a voice of experience reassuringly tell me that it was normal, and I was in transition. I just did. Both Mandi and Heather straight away told me that it was very normal and that yes, it was a sign of being in transition. :) Mandi checked on Benjamin with the doppler and he sounded just fine in there, which was reassuring to hear!
Kerry arrived at 6.40pm. When she walked in she said hi, and Mandi told her there was nothing to do, just wait. Mandi was so fab! :) Kerry sat on a chair just inside the doorway to the bedroom. I can’t remember where Mandi was, but she seemed to be around the foot of the bed (by the side where I was lying) most of the time. Not on the bed, just somewhere nearby. Heather’s notes say that contractions were coming fast and long. I will have to rely on her notes a lot from this point on because everything was just so intense and blurry to me. Her notes are clear and concise, and I soooo appreciate them, especially for this stage of my labour! :) She describes me as coping well with breathing. I was no longer able to “eye punch” my Bible verse by this stage, I don’t think, and was just trying to stay on top of the pain with each contraction. I was closing my eyes and blowing hard into my hand with each contraction. It’s something that I did when in labour with Arthur (and I think with the other boys too), and I just seem to start doing it when labour is at its hardest to bear. Heather told me afterwards that she thought I had learned that technique from a class, because it’s an actual coping method that’s given as a tip at some classes apparently! For me, it’s just something instinctive that helps. I hold my hand relaxed about an inch or two in front of my mouth and force all my breath out (like trying to blow out a candle, but harder!) into a central point in my palm. I try to imagine blowing a hole in my hand. They’re sort of rhythmic blows, but not long and smooth and calm – quite fast and gaspy if I’m feeling panicky or overwhelmed by the peak of a contraction. I am usually a bit writhey in general with the pain of these contractions, so I probably was then too. It’s just almost Too Much. Almost. :) I did not even use my TENS machine this time. I didn’t with Nathan either, but I think I didn’t even consider getting the box out to open up even, this time!
After a particularly unbearable contraction, I felt scared about what was left to come. I felt quiet and like a little girl who didn’t know where her mummy was – not panicky and flailing about, but strange, like a quiet child who was scared in the corner. Funny way to feel. The room was all quiet. Heather was near to my shoulder at the side of the bed. She gave me such a maternal smile – I can’t really describe it, but she looked right into my eyes, and I said in a small voice, “I’m scared.” She held my hand and said, “You’re almost there.” I paused a moment, and then said again, “I’m scared.” Heather leaned over me and prayed against the fear, and though I still had the weird uneasy anxious feeling (sort of in my blood, rather than just a feeling – like it was part of my physical sensations at that point), I felt a lot better for the prayer. Heather reminded me about Benjamin and I doing this together, like a 3-legged race. She stayed very close, leaning over me and speaking gently. She told me that the last bit is the most challenging but that we were nearly at the finish line now. I remember her saying that she was holding my hand, and as Jesus lives in her, He’s literally holding my hand too! :)
Her notes at 7pm say that everything and everyone is very quiet. At 7.05 she noted that I was blowing hard into my hand during contractions and needing to hold hands with her every contraction with my free hand. I said to her after a contraction, “I don’t know about doing many more...” I do remember that they seemed really brutal at this point! I really genuinely did not think I could manage many more, like more than two or three! ;) They lasted so so long and the peak seemed to go on forever, and the pain was unbelievably intense. NORMAL, I might add, and I knew that too. It was normal labour pain at transition, which just IS painful, and probably when most women beg for an epidural, because that’s when you really honestly cannot deal with another contraction! It’s when I consented/asked for an epidural last time, with Nathan, but he was born VERY soon afterwards before I could get one, so I did take heart somewhat from that memory, and now that it was my fourth labour and birth, I was beginning to know from experience that it doesn’t get any worse than this, and that it would very soon be over. But I still did not think I could do it much longer!
Mandi checked Benjamin, and found that his heartbeat was now really low down in my pelvis. We heard Arthur say on the stairs, “The boys should have been in bed ONE MINUTE ago!” That perked me up for a moment! Funny boy! :)
At 7.15 Mandi suggested that I do a wee, so that I didn’t have a full bladder in the way of delivery, as I hadn’t been for a while. I felt really nervous about that because I did not really want to change positions and get upright! I was anxious that the pain would be so much worse and I didn’t want to risk that. Also I was worried I would not be able to make it to the bathroom, and my gut feeling was NOT to move away from the bed. Kerry fetched one of Arthur’s potties from the bathroom and I began the undignified (and slooow!) process of getting up from the bed and squatting on this teeny tiny little red potty made for toddlers, in all my enormousness, haha! Sitting up from my side seemed really difficult, even with Heather helping me, and I felt physically unstable and uneasy. I was anxious about the next contraction. I didn’t know how best to stand up, and I remember Mandi leaning in to help me from one side while Heather was on my other side, and I was worried about her doing that because she was pregnant. I remember mentioning that maybe she shouldn’t because she was pregnant too and I didn’t want her to hurt herself! The next contraction came as I stood up, and I didn’t know how to manage that kind of pain in an upright position – it seemed so much worse. I sank back down to sitting and tried to breathe breathe breathe through it. The peak lasted such a long time, or at least it felt that way to me, and I leaned my head against Heather as she stood next to me. Just that act of leaning into someone comforting made a big difference in how I felt inside, able to deal with the rest of the contraction until it passed.
After the contraction passed, I daintily squatted over the potty (haha!) RIGHT down to floor level and tried to wee. I had to wait a moment before I could relax enough, and managed a tiny bit before another contraction came. I was stuck squatted over the potty and couldn’t have raised myself up if I had wanted to! So I had to deal with the contraction there, in a full-on squat. Something happened as I did that, which I didn’t expect! I started pushing! NEVER done that before – I have never had the urge to push EVER, and there I was without any warning, without any control on my part whatsoever, bearing down and straining away on this potty. I can’t remember exactly what I said about it, but I think it was something along the lines of, “I’m pushing!” or “Should I be pushing?!” or something like that! ;) I couldn’t believe I was actually overtaken with the urge to bear down, just like I had read about, and my body just DID it without me having a say in it! :)
Worrying about suddenly giving birth on a tiny hard plastic potty without the ability to stand up (!!), I wanted to get back on the bed as soon as the contraction had finished. I could see that squatting was very effective for the second stage (was still so very much in disbelief and excited awe that I had actually obviously reached the second stage of labour – and that I was PUSHING instead of hanging on for dear life as a tiny person rocketed out of me, which is my usual second stage experience, hehe!), but I wanted to get back in bed anyway. I was more comfortable there and felt more able to rest my body. I did not know how to manoeuvre myself or where to hold on or anything when I was upright, and I didn’t like that. I managed a little bit more of a wee and then they helped me stand upright again, and move back onto the bed (much to my relief!). This time I didn’t roll back onto my left side. I stayed on my back. I didn’t give a thought to whether that was a “good” position or not, and nobody coached me about my position. I just wanted to be like that, so that’s what I did. I wanted to lie down, and I wanted to see more of the room and feel a little more involved if I was about to give birth! Heather’s notes say that I sat propped up against pillows, but I did slide down somewhat after that to a semi-reclining position, mostly on my back but slightly rolled to my left side. Probably not a great birthing position as far as the books go (?!) but it’s what felt comfy enough to me at the time.
I felt very hot after getting back in bed. I needed the cold flannel frequently, and Heather wiped my face with it as often as I needed it. Just when I felt like I needed a sip of water, I would open my eyes to suggest it to Heather to find her RIGHT in front of my face with a straw hovering in front of my mouth ready to sip from! She seemed to know just what I needed and when! :)
Between 7.20 or so and 7.28, I was pushing with contractions. I was so anxious as another one approached and began, but then tried to just focus on getting through it again. I can’t remember no matter how hard I try, if the contractions were different with it being the second stage of labour. I can’t remember if they weren’t painful in the same way, or if I spent the whole of them pushing and bearing down, or if the pushing made the pain better. I can’t remember!! Frustration!!! I do remember that it did not feel “wonderful” to push, as I have heard so many say. I did push, but only as my body took over for me, not those big “hold your breath and bear down and never stop!” pushes that are usually “coached” and not natural at all. I don’t remember a contraction starting and me taking a breath and holding it, ever. I DO remember making pushing sounds as I squirmed my pelvis about – it was all involuntary, and it was obvious to me even at the time that my body was moving Benjamin down and out. I could feel his head getting a little lower, but nothing fast or incredible in sensation. Sooo different from my previous two births, and EXACTLY what we had prayed for (oh me of little faith!)! Still, the second stage didn’t last long, even though it was slower and more controlled. Which was good! :)
At 7.28pm my waters broke suddenly as I felt Benjamin’s head descend more quickly with a push. They were EXPLOSIVE and made Mandi jump, as they suddenly splashed her up her front (she was wearing a plastic apron)! Mandi was now sitting on the “free” side of our queen-sized bed at the end, ready to deal with the birth as it progressed. There seemed to me to be a lot of fluid (it wasn’t contained by those big absorbent pads that they put under me for the birth, and went on the bedsheets as well! We had a waterproof undersheet so it was okay), and when the contraction was fading off, I saw that heads were bent over the fluid on the bed and I heard some concerned tones. Heather and the midwives were discussing the waters, and I heard them talking about grades and “mec”. I knew what it meant, but like with the shakiness earlier, I needed to ask as though I had no idea, just for some reassurance and understanding. I think I even said, “What does it mean?!” when I knew what it meant, but I was feeling so fuzzy and not sure how to string my words together to get across what I wanted to say, so I just blurted that out. Heather told me quickly that the waters were meconium stained (I had heard them say it was “Grade 2” which I still haven’t looked up so I’m not sure what it means!), that is, Benjamin had had a bowel movement, and that it was okay – he was nearly here. She said if my waters had broken earlier, it would have meant an INSTANT transfer to hospital when they found the meconium, but as I was about to give birth there was no time to do anything about it, and I would give birth at home. I was so grateful for the timing of that! Meconium in the waters puts the baby at risk of inhaling it as he’s born (or just before), and if it gets into the lungs it is very dangerous and hard to fix. I didn’t (couldn’t?) think of that at the time, and chose not to. I had no anxiety about it, which HAD to be God, because I was so prone to being anxious through my labour in other ways! But God had my heart at peace about the wellbeing of my little one.
I remember saying that it was so much more painful when my waters broke, but the weird thing is, I’m not sure that it WAS more painful. I think I have read a LOT about women finding contractions more painful after their waters break, and just blurted out the same when mine went. I know that’s daft of me, but I didn’t seem to have much control or presence of mind over anything much that I was saying at the end of labour! It did hurt, but I can’t say it was significantly worse after my waters broke.
The next contraction came, and I started to push with it, and THAT’S when the familiar speed began. I stopped pushing with the panic of the sensation of a large head (trust me, it felt large, lol!) moving suddenly very fast down and crowning without me pushing. As his head began to crown the very same thing took over me as has done the last two times I gave birth. The physical sensation just gave way to a sudden urge to wail that primal scream again, and so I did. I really truly honestly had absolutely no way of preventing it. I SO did not want to, because my little boys were not yet in bed, and would be hearing it all, and I didn’t want to scare them. Never mind how uncomfortable I am at hearing myself make that sound anyway!
As I was wailing away, Neil suddenly burst into the bedroom and his head appeared behind Heather’s shoulder (she was leaning over me holding my hand and just being support to me). My eyes locked onto Neil’s and I felt so so glad to see him! I was so happy that he wasn’t missing the birth. He said, “It’s alright Ali, it’s alright.” I loved hearing him say those words. I worried briefly about the fact that he was in the room with me while I made all that noise, and where were the poor boys?! But I wanted him there to see Benjamin being born. I knew the boys wouldn’t come charging in because the noise would keep them away, but I did hope they weren’t frightened without Daddy there to reassure them. I knew that Matthew was upstairs because we had just heard him running up laughing, being mischievous – he was not allowed upstairs unless Neil was with him and he’d slipped Neil’s guard and run off to his bedroom. Neil had gone after him and I think was in the bedroom with Matthew about to take him back down to the other boys when he suddenly heard me wail. He told me afterwards that when he heard that sound he KNEW he had to drop whatever he was doing and RUN to me, because he knew the baby was coming. So he did just that!
At 7.30pm, with that one waily contraction, Benjamin’s head was born. I had a moment’s pause where I did not need to make the noise because nothing was moving (it’s the sensation of moving down and out that makes me need to yell out!), and then it seemed like seconds later the sensation was back and I was wailing away again. Benjamin’s body whole body came right out straight away, and I instinctively did another thing that I have never done before. As he left my body, I felt an intense physical urge to grab my baby into my arms. I had barely finished the last waily noise as I raised my top forwards and reached my arms down towards my baby as the last of him left my body. Mandi’s hands were already there, but she instantly let me take over when she saw what I was doing. I had no eyes or thoughts for anything but Benjamin. It happened too fast for me to have thought about it, it was totally instinctive. I just reached down and scooped him up into my arms, and pulled him up onto my chest. As I lifted him over my tummy I was overwhelmed with gratitude and relief, and joy at finally meeting him. I remember saying, “Oh Benjamin! I’m so glad you’re here!” I knew people were watching, but really it was only me and Benjamin in the room to me.
He squeakily cried straight away, but then went quiet and seemed a bit pale and reluctant to breathe. Mandi didn’t move him from me, but she rubbed him with the towel that was placed over him and he took a sudden breath and cried a bit. After a few moments of snuffling and squeaking, he went quiet and still again, and I rubbed him like Mandi had and talked to him softly. He looked a bit put-out and squirmed, but then Mandi gave him another rub and he became more “with it” after that.
While this was happening, I became aware of one of the boys crying, and I could tell that it was Matthew. Wendy, the midwife on duty for the night, arrived at that moment to take over from Mandi and Kerry (who were due to finish their shifts) and said, “There’s a little boy crying his eyes out in there.” I felt such a pang of sadness and guilt, and I think I said, “Oh! I’ve scared him!” I felt so sorry about it! I wanted to run and hug him and reassure him, but obviously was not in any state to do that just yet! Heather went out to him and she later told me that she found him sobbing on his bed. She said to him, “The baby’s here now - do you want to come and see the baby?” and he nodded and let her pick him up. Then Neil arrived in the room and she handed Matthew to Neil.
[Matthew had no further issues, but did bring the subject up when I tucked him into bed the next night, and I spent quite a while talking with him about it, and going through it again with him. He seemed MUCH reassured after that!]
The boys came in (I hastily flapped a towel or sheet over my lower half which was still being attended to, as I hadn’t birthed the placenta yet!) and saw Benjamin on my chest. They looked fascinated and happy. Neil had brought Arthur and Nathan up after he carried Matthew in, and they both looked at Benjamin – mostly from near the doorway because there was so much going on and so many people between the doorway and me, and not much access. Also I wasn’t quite in a state for them to get close and have a good long visit with their new brother just yet! I loved seeing Nathey looking from Neil’s arms, seeming calm and happy. He was now a big brother for the first time and I wanted it to be okay for him! Arthur told me that he wasn’t scared, but that Matthew was. He said Nathan wasn’t scared and didn’t cry when they heard “all the noise”. He said as soon as they heard me making noise, he and Nathan put their hands over their ears and just sat together on the sofa until it stopped, bless their hearts! :) Sweet little boys! Neil took them out of the room to finish getting them ready for bed right after they saw Benjamin.
Heather’s notes at 7.40pm say that Benjamin was lovely and pink and breathing well. :) My placenta arrived easily at 7.50pm, which was good! The midwife commented that it was a BIG healthy placenta, and I can’t remember if it was her or if it was an article I read not long after which said that could have accounted for Benjamin being a heavier baby than we expected! ;) I think it was Wendy though. There were no problems at all with the 3rd stage, and I requested that we not cut the cord until it stopped pulsating, so Benjamin got plenty of good stuff! :) It was so nice to actually get to do that! I think we must have done the same with Matthew, since he was born without the midwife present so we didn’t get to cut the cord till she arrived 10 minutes or so later. But this was planned, and it went to plan. Neil cut the cord once it stopped pulsating, and then went to put the boys to bed, and had rather a hard time settling them, unsurprisingly! They might have been tired, but things were rather too exciting at that moment! It took him probably a good hour to settle them, and even after that, Arthur was still awake till at least 9.30 or so. He even came back in to see me with Neil for a while, after the other boys were asleep, because he wanted to see me and Benjamin again and see what we were doing.
Thankfully this meant that Arthur missed all the stuff in between, which turned out to be the stitching of yet another second degree tear (my fourth!), which I did NOT enjoy one little bit! Mandi and Kerry had gone by then – Mandi to fetch some scales from the hospital to weigh Benjamin, as they didn’t have any with them. I couldn’t wait to find out what he weighed, and felt very impatient for her to get back!
Wendy did my stitches (which took a while), and Heather was the only other person in the room with me (except Benjamin of course!). She held Benjamin (wrapped in a blanket) in one arm, and knelt next to my shoulder on the bed (Wendy had me lie across the bed), holding a torch with her free hand for Wendy, and leaving two fingers free for me to squeeze on the hand that was holding Benjamin!!! What a star! And squeeze I did. Oh I hate having stitches in that particular region! It just does not feel right and I get terribly anxious and shaky while it goes on. Urgh. So glad when that was done!
My afterpains were HORRIBLE this time. I know they get worse with each pregnancy (it’s normal), so I wasn’t caught by surprise or anything, but they were like labour and I needed to use breathing techniques to cope with them. That was not fun while I had my stitches done, I can tell you!
Mandi arrived with the scales and Benjamin weighed in at 3.94kg, which they didn’t have a translation for (to my extreme frustration!! I don’t understand kg and I wanted to know what he WEIGHED so I could tell people when I phoned them in a bit!!!). When I phoned my parents a short while later, Daddy looked online for a conversion and told me it was 8lbs 9oz! We were all wowing at how big he was (since he was my heaviest baby yet!) and then when I checked an actual baby weights chart the next day, I discovered that the translation is actually 8lbs 11oz!! I was a little frustrated because I had already announced his birth at Facebook and to relatives, saying he was 8lbs 9oz. I had to re-announce, but oh well! What a big boy! They didn’t measure his length, telling me that they don’t any more. Or a head circumference. But I remember Heather saying to me moments after he was born, “That is one big baby with a big head!” ;) I think that must be why I had to push for a bit just to get him down to the point where he started to exit my body like a little freight train. Also maybe his position? That could have explained his high position during labour, and the extensive stork marks he had on his head, face and neck. He didn’t have any particular head-moulding that I could tell though.
Mandi left after she weighed Benjamin. She felt like an old friend kissing me goodbye and telling me I was “amazing” and well done! :) How lovely it is to be on the other side of birth, a sweet new baby in your arms and return to normal happening all around you as you marvel at your new tiny person, congratulations and well-dones ringing in continually! It’s bliss!! And oh the sense of victorious accomplishment at having DONE the giving birth bit!! :)
I was still lying across the bed at this point, and Heather was holding Benjamin still. I started to feel lightheaded and nauseous, so Wendy took my blood pressure, but it was fine, and my blood loss was normal too. We put it down to exhaustion and hunger. I think I had one of the glucose tablets I had bought for labour, and Wendy went downstairs and made some toast for me, and Heather’s notes say that they changed the sheets and made the bed (she, Wendy and Neil) – Arthur was asleep by this point, at last! But I can’t remember for the life of me where *I* was with Benjamin while this happened! Did I take a bath that night, or the next morning? I can’t remember... I would have thought that night, but it was 10.30 or so before everything was finished (stitches, etc) so I wouldn’t have bathed before that point. Hmmm... Anyway, the bed was changed, and I sank into it with great relief and ate toast while Benjamin lay in my right arm and breastfed/dozed, and Heather sat at the end of my bed and gave me a foot massage with lavender oil!! BLISS!! After a bit of discussion, Neil popped out to Tesco to find a lamp that I could put on the chest of drawers to keep on overnight (I wanted light overnight and our previous lamp had broken a while before). Heather stayed with me until he came home, then said goodbye and Neil dropped her home. I felt anxious just me and the boys and Benjamin while he was out, but it was just a few minutes down the road, I was very stable and settled, and I decided I would make phone calls to family on the mobile phone from my bed while he was out. That would give me constant company until he was home, and it worked out fine.
Here's a photo of Benjamin and me, after he finished breastfeeding and the bed had been changed. The light was so lovely and dim, and he felt so wonderful in my arms skin-to-skin. He was just gaaazing at me, and I was just gazing at him. Utterly in love! *sigh*
Benjamin alternately slept and fed ALL night long that first night! He is my first baby who actually breastfed all night on his very first night, and I don’t think that is typical for a newborn at all! Most will sleep that first night! I was glad because I needed to check him every 2 hours through the night for signs of GBS disease in any case – I checked his temperatures, breathing, pulse and general tone and colour as they told me to. After a few checks, I didn’t take his temperature because I could feel that he was not burning up at all – he felt as normal as he did the previous times I checked him. He needed checking for the first 24 hours as he would have been in the hospital. I’m so grateful to God that he was FINE! :)
So that is the birth story of Benjamin Isaac! I am finally finishing this birth story late on July 8th 2010 - just hours before Benjamin’s 1st birthday, so it’s very nostalgic timing, and I have loved reliving this birth as I’ve written it! Such a very different experience to my previous births. At the end of Heather’s birth notes, she wrote, “A triumphant birth! A privilege to be present, and I’ll happily be with you for any more which come along in the future!” I loved reading that! I’m so glad to be pregnant again with Heather BOOKED for December 2010! :)
Benjamin is a complete joy. Adding him to our family has been smooth and happy for all of us. None of the children had any issues with his arrival, or difficulties in adjusting to a new baby brother. They all love him and enjoy entertaining him, right from the start, even Nathan! I am just delighted with him, and find it hard to believe that he is moving towards big-brotherhood himself!
Thank you Lord, for my sweet little Benjamin!
